(no subject)
ok so this month sucked! I was forced to go live with my aunt so she could watch me and stuff. At home im always by myself so noone notices what i eat or do. Oh my God I GAINED 10 FUCKING POUNDS!!!! OMG well im home now again so no food at all. NONE. I wonder how much i can lose per month by living on sugar free jello, water and plain coffee.. if anyone is reading this give your guess on how much. This august im going to montreal for my cusins wedding. I'm going to have to wear a dress obviously so i NEED to be thin for pictures. My life is so pathetic.
My therapist is getting on my nerves! I have to go to the doctor every week for check ups on my depression. He uped my meds so now i pass out at like 8 pm and wake up at like 9 am. The good thing is that my workers think im " mentaly unstable" and cant handel anymore stress or work load. I havent been to school for 2 and a half weeks and i dont have to go till next mon. When mon comes they will probably tell me to take one more week like they did last time.
I have offically been diagonosed EDNOS. I dont think i deserve that. Im to fat to even be called ednos. I used to weigh 140 on a bad day and now im fucking 150. omg just looking at that number makes me cry. My family and doctors know im not underweight at all. they are just concerned with my strange eating habbits. i think they are all idiots. 150 is way o fucking much to be what they call normal at 5'7. sigh..
the longest i have ever fasted was 7 days. It didnt even take much out of me. I got bored and ate. how fucking stupid.
well now im going to try a 10 ay fast and take it from there.
****GOOD NEWS******
i won $3000!!! I went to a hockey game and won 3 grand from filling out 10 paper things. I got in the paper 3 times. i cried tho because i looked so fat. i was wearing pj bottoms and a baggy t-shirt because i felt so grose. tht was the first time i managed to get out in a month and they had to put my fucking pic in the paper 3 dayys in a row. god. Oh well. I'm getting braces now cause my teeth grose me out. they could be worse but they are pretty bad. I think ill post a pic of my teeth before and after ahah. also to my dismay i think i should take a pic at my weight now because it is so high. this summer after months of not eating ill look back and laugh at this moment.
I missed LJ soo much. I ahve been reading everyones journals and posting but i have been way too depressed to write an entry. sorry.
wait one more thing. march 16 was my bday. I spent it crying.
me and dad are on such bad terms ever since he grabbed me inthe car and banged my head against the window. That was another reason as to y i had to live with my aunt this month. The first 2 weeks i left he didnt even call me. I didnt tell him i was leaving. my nan told him. My birthday party was susposed to be at my house and hhe was susposed to pick up the cake and munchies for people. My nan called ( she lives with me and dad) 5 min before the party was susposed to be starting. She said dad left to go out at 4 to get the stuff and he hasnt sown up yet. My friends and family were on the way to my house and i wasnt there and neither was my dad yet. I started freaking out becasue none of my friends knew about all this shit that has been going on and they were about to show up at my house for my party and nobody would behere. empty. no balloons. no chips no nothing .. no me. I called everyone on their cells and canceled.
My boyfriend is the only person who knew about me and dad and me living at my aunt. He insisted hed see me on my birthday. He came to my aunts house. We sat on the couch for half an hour while i was crying on his shoulder. Hes such a sweetheart. My aunt gave me her bank card and dropped us off at jungle jims. this was the fisrt opportunity that month i had where i caould not eat. But my boyfriend convinced me that one night after all that was going to make a difference. I ordered a jumbo tornado smoothie. I basically sat there playing with the little paper umbrella and the lemon stuck on my glass. after a while i ordered chicken burritos and salad. I ate the salad and a bite of burrito. We got talking i cheered up a little bit. He said he'd be right back.. had to use the bathroom. he comes back finishes his food. he chat. He tried to make me order dessert. YEAH RIGHT. i started to feel all depressed again when 5 people shove a HUGE somburrio ( the big mexican hat thingy .. cant spell) on my head and puts a huge piece od chese cake with sparklers in front of me. they sang happy birthday. This scared the shit out me !!! I actually screamed and jumped 3 feet out of my seat. Mitch ( my boyfirend) sat back and laughed. LIES like he went to the bathroom he was secretly telling the resturant it was my bday. OH mMY it was funny tho and cheered me up completly ahah. I ate a few bites of the cake and oped his present. he gave me $40 to my fav clothing store ( garage ) and his parents gave me 20 for the store. ahah i love his parents. they keep me reminded how a family should be . normal. the next day i had the fam pary. it was ok.
I got
legally bonde and legally blonde 2,
the fog,
the first season of newly weds,
an ipod nano
jelly cases for the nano in every color
a silver cross necklace
a trip to montreal
the new harrypotter dvd
a pink set of pjs
turquoise pj bottoms
and 2 t-shirts
plus i won the 3000 ahah
however despite all the stuff my month sucked ass. Me and dad are not on good terms, i have to go see 2 therapists and a doctor every week, i havent been to school and there is a possibality i wont for another month i got super fat etc.
woa i jsut got soo depressed.
i have to go back to bed
im blabbing now so i shall go. I CAN DO THIS!
My therapist is getting on my nerves! I have to go to the doctor every week for check ups on my depression. He uped my meds so now i pass out at like 8 pm and wake up at like 9 am. The good thing is that my workers think im " mentaly unstable" and cant handel anymore stress or work load. I havent been to school for 2 and a half weeks and i dont have to go till next mon. When mon comes they will probably tell me to take one more week like they did last time.
I have offically been diagonosed EDNOS. I dont think i deserve that. Im to fat to even be called ednos. I used to weigh 140 on a bad day and now im fucking 150. omg just looking at that number makes me cry. My family and doctors know im not underweight at all. they are just concerned with my strange eating habbits. i think they are all idiots. 150 is way o fucking much to be what they call normal at 5'7. sigh..
the longest i have ever fasted was 7 days. It didnt even take much out of me. I got bored and ate. how fucking stupid.
well now im going to try a 10 ay fast and take it from there.
****GOOD NEWS******
i won $3000!!! I went to a hockey game and won 3 grand from filling out 10 paper things. I got in the paper 3 times. i cried tho because i looked so fat. i was wearing pj bottoms and a baggy t-shirt because i felt so grose. tht was the first time i managed to get out in a month and they had to put my fucking pic in the paper 3 dayys in a row. god. Oh well. I'm getting braces now cause my teeth grose me out. they could be worse but they are pretty bad. I think ill post a pic of my teeth before and after ahah. also to my dismay i think i should take a pic at my weight now because it is so high. this summer after months of not eating ill look back and laugh at this moment.
I missed LJ soo much. I ahve been reading everyones journals and posting but i have been way too depressed to write an entry. sorry.
wait one more thing. march 16 was my bday. I spent it crying.
me and dad are on such bad terms ever since he grabbed me inthe car and banged my head against the window. That was another reason as to y i had to live with my aunt this month. The first 2 weeks i left he didnt even call me. I didnt tell him i was leaving. my nan told him. My birthday party was susposed to be at my house and hhe was susposed to pick up the cake and munchies for people. My nan called ( she lives with me and dad) 5 min before the party was susposed to be starting. She said dad left to go out at 4 to get the stuff and he hasnt sown up yet. My friends and family were on the way to my house and i wasnt there and neither was my dad yet. I started freaking out becasue none of my friends knew about all this shit that has been going on and they were about to show up at my house for my party and nobody would behere. empty. no balloons. no chips no nothing .. no me. I called everyone on their cells and canceled.
My boyfriend is the only person who knew about me and dad and me living at my aunt. He insisted hed see me on my birthday. He came to my aunts house. We sat on the couch for half an hour while i was crying on his shoulder. Hes such a sweetheart. My aunt gave me her bank card and dropped us off at jungle jims. this was the fisrt opportunity that month i had where i caould not eat. But my boyfriend convinced me that one night after all that was going to make a difference. I ordered a jumbo tornado smoothie. I basically sat there playing with the little paper umbrella and the lemon stuck on my glass. after a while i ordered chicken burritos and salad. I ate the salad and a bite of burrito. We got talking i cheered up a little bit. He said he'd be right back.. had to use the bathroom. he comes back finishes his food. he chat. He tried to make me order dessert. YEAH RIGHT. i started to feel all depressed again when 5 people shove a HUGE somburrio ( the big mexican hat thingy .. cant spell) on my head and puts a huge piece od chese cake with sparklers in front of me. they sang happy birthday. This scared the shit out me !!! I actually screamed and jumped 3 feet out of my seat. Mitch ( my boyfirend) sat back and laughed. LIES like he went to the bathroom he was secretly telling the resturant it was my bday. OH mMY it was funny tho and cheered me up completly ahah. I ate a few bites of the cake and oped his present. he gave me $40 to my fav clothing store ( garage ) and his parents gave me 20 for the store. ahah i love his parents. they keep me reminded how a family should be . normal. the next day i had the fam pary. it was ok.
I got
legally bonde and legally blonde 2,
the fog,
the first season of newly weds,
an ipod nano
jelly cases for the nano in every color
a silver cross necklace
a trip to montreal
the new harrypotter dvd
a pink set of pjs
turquoise pj bottoms
and 2 t-shirts
plus i won the 3000 ahah
however despite all the stuff my month sucked ass. Me and dad are not on good terms, i have to go see 2 therapists and a doctor every week, i havent been to school and there is a possibality i wont for another month i got super fat etc.
woa i jsut got soo depressed.
i have to go back to bed
im blabbing now so i shall go. I CAN DO THIS!