(no subject)
Ok...two entries ago...it's been a while, but I was talking about said person needing to be out of my life. Well, I finally gave in and hung out. IT was pretty intense for me...letting go of thoughts.
I am still on guard with him. He could be playing me as the fool. But part of the conversation that he and I had was like an echo of a conversation that I had less than a week before with one of my best friends. I don't call that a coincidence.
I have to trust people. I have to let them into my lives more than I have in the past. If I can listen to them and be there for my real friends, then shouldn't they be able to do the same. A guy I know, last night said that we should be able to bear each other's burdens. That person was right. But that very thing is so very hard for me. I let people in just to see small areas of my life. To open up and let someone in, to be vulnerable, to let go of things and show that I can't be in control about scares the crap out of me.
When you get close to people, they usually end up hurting you. Right after high school I had my heart torn out by a friend. Now I know that was a long time ago, but it was the person who had been in my life for what seemed like forever. It was the person I thought I would be friends with for a long time. But they about crushed me and I still don't know how things turned out that way. But they weren't the only friend that had things end in a way that was not only painful, but still a mystery as to why. So, for me it has been hard to let anyone get that close.
But that is exactly what I have to do. I have to get over past and keep moving forward. To be vulnerable and open isn't going to be easy, but I know that it is something God is going to guide me through. This is going to take effort, but it is something that I know will make me better and will help me move on, move away and just keep moving. :)
I am still on guard with him. He could be playing me as the fool. But part of the conversation that he and I had was like an echo of a conversation that I had less than a week before with one of my best friends. I don't call that a coincidence.
I have to trust people. I have to let them into my lives more than I have in the past. If I can listen to them and be there for my real friends, then shouldn't they be able to do the same. A guy I know, last night said that we should be able to bear each other's burdens. That person was right. But that very thing is so very hard for me. I let people in just to see small areas of my life. To open up and let someone in, to be vulnerable, to let go of things and show that I can't be in control about scares the crap out of me.
When you get close to people, they usually end up hurting you. Right after high school I had my heart torn out by a friend. Now I know that was a long time ago, but it was the person who had been in my life for what seemed like forever. It was the person I thought I would be friends with for a long time. But they about crushed me and I still don't know how things turned out that way. But they weren't the only friend that had things end in a way that was not only painful, but still a mystery as to why. So, for me it has been hard to let anyone get that close.
But that is exactly what I have to do. I have to get over past and keep moving forward. To be vulnerable and open isn't going to be easy, but I know that it is something God is going to guide me through. This is going to take effort, but it is something that I know will make me better and will help me move on, move away and just keep moving. :)