Of Blood and Death
Okay, blah, I'm posting I guess. It seems lately I've been surrounded by blood and death. Good for... god, I don't know... a while now... and now I'm seeing blood and death everywhere. And don't give me those looks. It's productive that I state that. It's been a good long while now and If I remind myself of that I can reamain being good.
I'll start on Tuesday. I invited Liz over so that she could revise her summer reading essay. Her computer was apparently dead or something. Well, she told me she was a slow typer and I told her I'd type it for her. While typing I brought up revisions (meaning I asked and she pretty much always agreed). It's something I've been trained to do. I instinctively seek out mistakes and think up better ways to phrase and what to omit and all of that. I even did it on the Florida Writes Short Response thing last year. I first saw typos (which leave me with little faith in our education system X_x) and there were things that could've been rewritten to flow better. Anyways it was more work than I had anticipated. So I'm halfway through and my mom returns from the grocery store and tells me my great-grandmother, who had had a heart attack the night before (*grumbles* my grandparents said not to rush down there which I took to mean all would be fine. Apparently they thought we wouldn't want to see her like that ={) has died.
That was a blow. I was a little amazed, right in front of company and all, she just said that. I mean it was like I'd been punched. I think it was more guilt than anything. We didn't visit my great-grandma a lot. No one really did. I guess I secretly felt bad. Especially as the years wore on. And now... she's gone. And it's... it's sad. I don't even know if my grandparents visited her in the hospital. We didn't. We were told not to. I thought little of it. I always felt bad for her because she lost her short term memory. My memory is my life. I don't wish to live once it's gone. But I guess you remember most of your life. *sigh* Anyways yesterday my parents went down there and cleaned out the place with my grandparents. Now her stuff is in our house. That is disturbing as hell. Her stuff is in our fucking house. Not stuff given us in a will. They just divided the stuff up I guess. I like to pretend none of it's here. I refuse to believe my parents and grandparents looted my great-grandmothers house.
Okay, now my aunt and uncle had a baby. The baby was born prematurely. It has stunted limbs. But that's not the problem. The problem is that his lungs are not fully developed and they might never be. He might be breathing (gah I just had to replace my its with he/his. *hits self* He is a human being.) through a tube for the rest of his life. The problem is my aunt and uncle might not be able to afford that. There is that nasty whiff of letting it die. Maybe I'm reading too much into things but that's almost how my mom made it sound- as sad as that is.
There has also been a decent amount of blood lately. Me seeing blood is bad. I get this nauseous feeling. I won't tell you what I'm thinking when I see blood. Okay so it starts in AP US History. And I am NOT knocking the class. I like that class. I like Mrs. Angert. There is no question about that. But we were watching a movie on the Mayas. Apparently they were into blood-letting. Which, talking about blood-letting I can handle. Seeing it reenacted makes me queasy. Now, movie blood and gore is different. I know that's not real. I see people acting as if it doesn't even hurt. Which it doesn't because it's only makeup. This supposedly happened. This was supposedly depicted on walls and written about. They showed blood dripping. They showed people slicing open their chests or arms or legs. I... I can't watch that shit anymore.
Then in the hall this morning their was a fight. Apparently, from what I later heard, the cause was one guy grabbing another guy's girlfriend's ass. From my perspective it looke like someone almost tripped. Then all of a sudden a guy behind him threw a punch and they started wailing on each other. A group of boys circled around. It was odd. I mean you'd think they were there to get a good view but it actually looked like their intent was to form a barrier which I found interesting. They seemed to litteraly be keeping everyone else back. Perhaps I am overanalyzing. Anyways when Mr. Strapp finally breaks it up I see the one boys face for the first time. *cringe* It looked like he was crying blood. It was streaming down his face from a cut just under his eye. It was dripping all over the floor. It was sickening. Funny thing is I saw a scene similar to that on BSG but I just had a silent sadness then. Here I wanted to throw up. This was real. The blood was real. I... I can't explain it. It was horrible. Apparently there were four fights (the one I saw included) today. One occurred after school and a hoarde of people from the bus ramp just started running back inside. I don't know what happened. Nor do I care. I saw enough blood for one day.
Trig is frustrating me. Chemistry is irritating me because I didn't get the point of what we were doing. I sort of see it now but I wish we could've covered it in one day. I feel like I am being fucking babied. I mean a whole day on conversions and scientific notation/ We're learning how to find signifigant digits *wretches* I now grasped the point. I wish she would've told us why it was useful and what it would be used for. We're just picking out the signifigant digits which is really easy and really boring. Fuck. I love anatomy. My psyc teacher is boring. I find it irritating that neither the health book nor the phsyc book mention anything on SI. My Psyc teacher also has this way of depressing me. I tend to disagree with her a lot. Yes, there is something in looking towards the future but not at the expense of the past. If you are always looking ahead you are not living. Yes, the big arc must have some focus, but the smaller arcs should have more focus. The now should be looked at more. If you're focussing on the last hurtle you're going to trip over all the others. Know where you're going and then concentrate on a hurtle at a time. That's my advice. Love anatmoy. Health bored me to death. And I LOVE English.
We got into a discussion on The Things They Carried which was interesting- however, people in that class are so obsessed with looking smart that they end up repeating the same thing with only a minute differnce. After the fifth person saying the same thing I was about ready to slam my head into the desk. It's like- we've grasped that, now please, for the love of god, move on. *rolls eyes*. Heart Mrs. Pardo but over analyzing books is a common affliction among english teachers. Hell, I think most of those 'symbols' are thought of in hindsight. The themes may be premeditated in order to have organization, such as innocence (illustrated in our discussion) and some symbols might be premeditated as well, but the load of shit these people pull out of a book... most of it is likely a hindsight 'that's good, whatever' kind of thing. I think most things in writing happen on accident or unconciously. I believe writing is an extension of thinking. You can perfect it but you don't "study" it. You just get a feel for it over time. *sigh* This is long winded.
Oh, and if I hear about the end of the world one more time, I am going to fucking scream.
I'll start on Tuesday. I invited Liz over so that she could revise her summer reading essay. Her computer was apparently dead or something. Well, she told me she was a slow typer and I told her I'd type it for her. While typing I brought up revisions (meaning I asked and she pretty much always agreed). It's something I've been trained to do. I instinctively seek out mistakes and think up better ways to phrase and what to omit and all of that. I even did it on the Florida Writes Short Response thing last year. I first saw typos (which leave me with little faith in our education system X_x) and there were things that could've been rewritten to flow better. Anyways it was more work than I had anticipated. So I'm halfway through and my mom returns from the grocery store and tells me my great-grandmother, who had had a heart attack the night before (*grumbles* my grandparents said not to rush down there which I took to mean all would be fine. Apparently they thought we wouldn't want to see her like that ={) has died.
That was a blow. I was a little amazed, right in front of company and all, she just said that. I mean it was like I'd been punched. I think it was more guilt than anything. We didn't visit my great-grandma a lot. No one really did. I guess I secretly felt bad. Especially as the years wore on. And now... she's gone. And it's... it's sad. I don't even know if my grandparents visited her in the hospital. We didn't. We were told not to. I thought little of it. I always felt bad for her because she lost her short term memory. My memory is my life. I don't wish to live once it's gone. But I guess you remember most of your life. *sigh* Anyways yesterday my parents went down there and cleaned out the place with my grandparents. Now her stuff is in our house. That is disturbing as hell. Her stuff is in our fucking house. Not stuff given us in a will. They just divided the stuff up I guess. I like to pretend none of it's here. I refuse to believe my parents and grandparents looted my great-grandmothers house.
Okay, now my aunt and uncle had a baby. The baby was born prematurely. It has stunted limbs. But that's not the problem. The problem is that his lungs are not fully developed and they might never be. He might be breathing (gah I just had to replace my its with he/his. *hits self* He is a human being.) through a tube for the rest of his life. The problem is my aunt and uncle might not be able to afford that. There is that nasty whiff of letting it die. Maybe I'm reading too much into things but that's almost how my mom made it sound- as sad as that is.
There has also been a decent amount of blood lately. Me seeing blood is bad. I get this nauseous feeling. I won't tell you what I'm thinking when I see blood. Okay so it starts in AP US History. And I am NOT knocking the class. I like that class. I like Mrs. Angert. There is no question about that. But we were watching a movie on the Mayas. Apparently they were into blood-letting. Which, talking about blood-letting I can handle. Seeing it reenacted makes me queasy. Now, movie blood and gore is different. I know that's not real. I see people acting as if it doesn't even hurt. Which it doesn't because it's only makeup. This supposedly happened. This was supposedly depicted on walls and written about. They showed blood dripping. They showed people slicing open their chests or arms or legs. I... I can't watch that shit anymore.
Then in the hall this morning their was a fight. Apparently, from what I later heard, the cause was one guy grabbing another guy's girlfriend's ass. From my perspective it looke like someone almost tripped. Then all of a sudden a guy behind him threw a punch and they started wailing on each other. A group of boys circled around. It was odd. I mean you'd think they were there to get a good view but it actually looked like their intent was to form a barrier which I found interesting. They seemed to litteraly be keeping everyone else back. Perhaps I am overanalyzing. Anyways when Mr. Strapp finally breaks it up I see the one boys face for the first time. *cringe* It looked like he was crying blood. It was streaming down his face from a cut just under his eye. It was dripping all over the floor. It was sickening. Funny thing is I saw a scene similar to that on BSG but I just had a silent sadness then. Here I wanted to throw up. This was real. The blood was real. I... I can't explain it. It was horrible. Apparently there were four fights (the one I saw included) today. One occurred after school and a hoarde of people from the bus ramp just started running back inside. I don't know what happened. Nor do I care. I saw enough blood for one day.
Trig is frustrating me. Chemistry is irritating me because I didn't get the point of what we were doing. I sort of see it now but I wish we could've covered it in one day. I feel like I am being fucking babied. I mean a whole day on conversions and scientific notation/ We're learning how to find signifigant digits *wretches* I now grasped the point. I wish she would've told us why it was useful and what it would be used for. We're just picking out the signifigant digits which is really easy and really boring. Fuck. I love anatomy. My psyc teacher is boring. I find it irritating that neither the health book nor the phsyc book mention anything on SI. My Psyc teacher also has this way of depressing me. I tend to disagree with her a lot. Yes, there is something in looking towards the future but not at the expense of the past. If you are always looking ahead you are not living. Yes, the big arc must have some focus, but the smaller arcs should have more focus. The now should be looked at more. If you're focussing on the last hurtle you're going to trip over all the others. Know where you're going and then concentrate on a hurtle at a time. That's my advice. Love anatmoy. Health bored me to death. And I LOVE English.
We got into a discussion on The Things They Carried which was interesting- however, people in that class are so obsessed with looking smart that they end up repeating the same thing with only a minute differnce. After the fifth person saying the same thing I was about ready to slam my head into the desk. It's like- we've grasped that, now please, for the love of god, move on. *rolls eyes*. Heart Mrs. Pardo but over analyzing books is a common affliction among english teachers. Hell, I think most of those 'symbols' are thought of in hindsight. The themes may be premeditated in order to have organization, such as innocence (illustrated in our discussion) and some symbols might be premeditated as well, but the load of shit these people pull out of a book... most of it is likely a hindsight 'that's good, whatever' kind of thing. I think most things in writing happen on accident or unconciously. I believe writing is an extension of thinking. You can perfect it but you don't "study" it. You just get a feel for it over time. *sigh* This is long winded.
Oh, and if I hear about the end of the world one more time, I am going to fucking scream.