Goddamn the ideas....
MORE for the warmup!
I decided to go against the idea of going to Hunters not only because it was stupid to look for someone to give back measly CLOTHES, but because I'm chicken shit. I haven't been to any event where a bunch of people get together and seek a partner of the same sex or to socialize in that sort of culture. I just don't feel comfortable with it. It's one of those things that seem to be forbidden in my head, as if you can't eat that apple that the snake in the Garden of Eden wants you to. But it seems so tempting. Maybe it's because my parents are against same sex relationships, or maybe because we almost seem to be a minority. It could even be me being nervous and anxious to try something new. But either way, finding some clothes lying on a track field in the middle of the night was not a good excuse to dive into a different part of society that I have never been in before and find some guy. It just didn't make sense to me.
But here I am, playing a video game with my friend I knew since preschool, thinking about how much of an idiot I am to not at least try to find other people who are experiencing the same confusing thoughts. Perhaps I should go see a counselor and figure out local communities for people like me who just opened up to be gay. Or maybe, just maybe, I should just perk my ears and listen to the students around me and find new friends who are gay. Why is it that I'm the only gay person in my group of friends? And why does it even matter? Why do I even care? Why am I even asking why to every one of these questions when I'm not doing any productive with my life?
"Hey! It's been your turn for a while now" ____ prodded my shoulder with his controller.
I shook my head and realized I entered that trance where I get carried away with my thoughts. "Sorry."
We played for while in silence until _____ finally broke the silence while petting his cat, Snickers. "You okay? You've been quiet for the past few days. You're freaking me out."
"Yeah," I lied. "For the most part, last week my parents got into another argument and told me I don't respect them enough. I just don't know what to do. It's almost as if that whatever I try to follow in my mind, I'm a failure in every way. But you probably think this is me being too paranoid."
"Your parents are dicks, let's face it." He said while playing the game. "What you should do is just don't let them walk over you. You know my place is just two houses down. Just pop your head in there, mom knows your situation."
"Thanks..." I mumbled, feeling as if I'm the most unluckiest person with my life.
As we started playing down the rounds to the end of the game, I couldn't stop thinking about the important decisions I should make about being an adult. What if I found some amazing guy to take me out of this situation? It'd be perfect. Some guy to help me figure out what I should do with my life, get out of this hell hole, and start a new beginning elsewhere. But then again, isn't that what every story is like? Some main character meeting the person of their dreams, and having them endure some hardships, but be happy nonetheless? I would read the first book that included that exact story with two men, or two women. Wouldn't that be nice? I guess that's taking it a little too far.
Or, what if I found a career that gave me enough money to just buy a house and leave? Finding new people to talk to and be active in my life sounded good. That reminds me, I should probably find a way to get more exercise...
"Hey!" ____ gently hit me in the shoulder.
"I'm sorry! I have a lot on my mind..." I whined as I watched my character move across the virtual board on the screen.
"You have more stars than me, you'll win." I grumbled as I looked at the results.
"That'll be a first in forever." ____ laughed.
Mario Party was the one game that _____ and I played every other weekend to escape from life for a bit. He was the guy that was popular and everybody loved him for who he was. He managed to conform to any stereotype and be friends with everyone without lifting even a finger. I, on the other hand, have only a handful of close friends in high school and refuse to conform to any individual's expectations, even if that means a life of solitude. Maybe that's my problem! I just don't fit in that typical gay society, which makes me uncomfortable in even making an attempt. But playing this game was the only time when him and I pulled away from our different lifestyles and be close friends.
"HOW THE HELL DID YOU WIN!?" _____ yelled as he stood up shocked.
I looked at the screen and realized I won all the bonus rewards and barely won first place by a few points.
I smiled and looked at him, "Better luck next time?"
We both forced a laugh even though we were the two most competitive friends you could ever meet. We tried to outdo one another at anything. From sports to video games, from academics to career options, we always tried to compare each other and see who was the best at anything. In the end, we always ended having an equal balance. Some things _____ was better at were my weaknesses. But I guess winning video games was my specialty.
"Again I fail at beating you! But I won't stop trying until my time has come!" ____ said in a determined tone, throwing the controller on the bed.
"Until that day..." I said in a mocking tone and smiled at him, "I might be old and dead."
I looked around his bedroom at some of his belongings and looked at his clock. It was getting late and I really should be focusing more on school work. But going home meant having to deal with the silence my parents are giving me. Even though these silent periods after an argument are the greatest days of my life, it is still ackword to go inside a house where nobody's looking at you or even caring if you exist or not.
"I better get going." I said casually, mastering the art of deceit to my friends. "I have a bunch of stuff I should be doing."
"Alright, I'll see you tomorrow. Still taking you to school?"
I nodded my head and stood up. I went to say goodbye to his mom and walked out their front door. It was getting colder due to the spring showers we've been having lately. The weather seems so unpredictable lately that I find it hard to even watch the news and believe what they think the forecast is. Walking down the sidewalk, I noticed everyone's lights on in the house. It must be nice having a family to watch television with...
I slowly stopped and noticed someone staring at my house. My first reaction was to turn around and walk back to ____ house and ask him if he knew who this person was. Another reaction was thinking if my parents called the police because I "ran away from home." But, I found my feet still moving towards my house and I didn't even stop to consider any other options.
I found out it was a man who definitely looked older than me. He was probably in his late twenties and he had the most amazing hair I've ever seen. It was tied back in a small pony tail that almost glistening with the moonlight. He also definitely had some biceps going on with that buttoned up shirt, which definitely looked like it came from a company brand that I couldn't even afford.
Before I even stepped foot in the yard to say anything, the man turned and looked at me. He smiled or grinned. I wasn't sure which one but it was one of the most beautiful smiles I have ever seen in a guy.
"Do you live here?" He asked casually, his vibrating deep voice almost sent chills down my spine. He almost sounded as if he had an accent.
"Um....yes?" I responded as if I wasn't even sure if I deserved to live in the house that he was observing.
"Ah..." He said while nodding his head. "I just so happened to be...missing...a few of my belongings."
Oh shit. No, was it? Nah...could it?
"And I think I saw you about a week ago at night wandering the track field alone...with a dog?" He asked while he was recollecting details of that night in his head.
"How did you know I lived here?" Was all I could say.
"Well, I usually walk down these streets at night to get to my car by the light rail. And I couldn't help but notice that your dog's nose is sticking out from under the garage." He nodded his head toward the garage door.
I looked in his direction and saw _____'s face under the garage, whining for my attention. I sighed and wished my pittbull was more protective than that.
I looked at him again with a guilty conscience and finally responded, "I'm sorry...I was just concerned if they were someone in the neighborhood so I took it home and decided it was probably best to hold on to it but then I realized that there was no name on anything except for initials...and..." Deep breath, damnit! Why do I always have these run on's when I'm so nervous?
"What were the initials?" He asked casually as if he was enjoying watching me make a fool out of myself.
I almost wanted to put up my defense and knock him off his cloud.
"C. B." I said flatly, remembering them by Tin's reaction to when I found them on the brush.
I watched the man smile and look at me. His eyes were a deep, dark blue color with a hint of blue. With his lightly brown hair, it was the most beautiful thing I have ever seen, despite the fact that his stare felt like looking inside the core of my soul in search of secrets.
"My name's Caleb...." He said slowly....lifting his head up a bit. "Is that enough to get my things back?"
"Ah...." I was speechless and unsure whether to trust him or not.
"Do you want me to give you my last name too?" He asked, amused to hear my response.
At that moment I blushed, not quite sure what else to do. My entire body felt like it was malfunctioning and I couldn't breathe right. For whatever reason, Caleb's appearance made me immobile as if I was in a daze. He was so beautiful. This was the first time I ever felt like someone was looking at me not because they had to, but because I was SOMEBODY.
I nodded my head slowly.
"Bowler." He said simply. "Caleb Bowler."
He smiled again. His teeth were perfect! I mean my teeth, too, were straight and never needed braces. But his teeth were almost glistening white in the moonlight! Why are all these details standing out to me?
"They're in my car..." That was all I could say and quickly I moved to my car next to him. I fumbled for my key and pulled it out in my shorts pocket. I felt his eyes burn a hole in my back while I performed the act of opening the back door.
When I pulled his stuff out, I looked up at him. His body was immaculate. It almost looked like he could be a body builder or something. He wasn't extremely macho like the men you see in Men's Fitness, but he was pretty chisilled.
Trying not to be too disrespectful, I tried to straighten myself up a bit and not act as if I was infatuated with his presence. I handed him his backpack quietly and felt him gently take it from me. I looked away, trying to find words to say as he was slinging his backpack over his left shoulder.
"I'm sorry for taking your stuff. I should have known that someone would come back. I was just having a really bad night....and I only wanted to do one good deed to make up for it." No wonder I don't have very many boyfriends. I'm too brutally honest.
Too ashamed to look, I quickly walked to the wooden fence, expecting him to laugh at me for my response. As I unhatched the door, I felt Caleb's soft touch. He definitely knew how to stop someone from quickly leaving. I looked up at him, shocked by his action only to see his perfect white teeth and shaped jawbones.
"Tomorrow." He said slowly. It almost seemed like he was calculating something.
"...What?" I asked stupidly, knowing I must look like such a dork.
"Meet me where you got my stuff. To talk." He was so smooth with his way of speaking. I was a perfect stranger and he made it sound like he already knew me for weeks! Hell, maybe he did.
"About..." There goes those defense walls.
"Sounds like you need it." He took a step back and walked away.
Hearing some random insect sing it's song in the night, I watched him walk away with confidence on the sleeve of his shirt.
Bye. Why couldn't I say that out loud? Or maybe, it was great to see you!
Besides feeling my body refuse to move so that I can watch him walk down the block, I only hoped that _____ didn't see him walking past his house.
He didn't know I was gay, either. And I wasn't ready to explain everything to him. It wasn't time yet.
I decided to go against the idea of going to Hunters not only because it was stupid to look for someone to give back measly CLOTHES, but because I'm chicken shit. I haven't been to any event where a bunch of people get together and seek a partner of the same sex or to socialize in that sort of culture. I just don't feel comfortable with it. It's one of those things that seem to be forbidden in my head, as if you can't eat that apple that the snake in the Garden of Eden wants you to. But it seems so tempting. Maybe it's because my parents are against same sex relationships, or maybe because we almost seem to be a minority. It could even be me being nervous and anxious to try something new. But either way, finding some clothes lying on a track field in the middle of the night was not a good excuse to dive into a different part of society that I have never been in before and find some guy. It just didn't make sense to me.
But here I am, playing a video game with my friend I knew since preschool, thinking about how much of an idiot I am to not at least try to find other people who are experiencing the same confusing thoughts. Perhaps I should go see a counselor and figure out local communities for people like me who just opened up to be gay. Or maybe, just maybe, I should just perk my ears and listen to the students around me and find new friends who are gay. Why is it that I'm the only gay person in my group of friends? And why does it even matter? Why do I even care? Why am I even asking why to every one of these questions when I'm not doing any productive with my life?
"Hey! It's been your turn for a while now" ____ prodded my shoulder with his controller.
I shook my head and realized I entered that trance where I get carried away with my thoughts. "Sorry."
We played for while in silence until _____ finally broke the silence while petting his cat, Snickers. "You okay? You've been quiet for the past few days. You're freaking me out."
"Yeah," I lied. "For the most part, last week my parents got into another argument and told me I don't respect them enough. I just don't know what to do. It's almost as if that whatever I try to follow in my mind, I'm a failure in every way. But you probably think this is me being too paranoid."
"Your parents are dicks, let's face it." He said while playing the game. "What you should do is just don't let them walk over you. You know my place is just two houses down. Just pop your head in there, mom knows your situation."
"Thanks..." I mumbled, feeling as if I'm the most unluckiest person with my life.
As we started playing down the rounds to the end of the game, I couldn't stop thinking about the important decisions I should make about being an adult. What if I found some amazing guy to take me out of this situation? It'd be perfect. Some guy to help me figure out what I should do with my life, get out of this hell hole, and start a new beginning elsewhere. But then again, isn't that what every story is like? Some main character meeting the person of their dreams, and having them endure some hardships, but be happy nonetheless? I would read the first book that included that exact story with two men, or two women. Wouldn't that be nice? I guess that's taking it a little too far.
Or, what if I found a career that gave me enough money to just buy a house and leave? Finding new people to talk to and be active in my life sounded good. That reminds me, I should probably find a way to get more exercise...
"Hey!" ____ gently hit me in the shoulder.
"I'm sorry! I have a lot on my mind..." I whined as I watched my character move across the virtual board on the screen.
"You have more stars than me, you'll win." I grumbled as I looked at the results.
"That'll be a first in forever." ____ laughed.
Mario Party was the one game that _____ and I played every other weekend to escape from life for a bit. He was the guy that was popular and everybody loved him for who he was. He managed to conform to any stereotype and be friends with everyone without lifting even a finger. I, on the other hand, have only a handful of close friends in high school and refuse to conform to any individual's expectations, even if that means a life of solitude. Maybe that's my problem! I just don't fit in that typical gay society, which makes me uncomfortable in even making an attempt. But playing this game was the only time when him and I pulled away from our different lifestyles and be close friends.
"HOW THE HELL DID YOU WIN!?" _____ yelled as he stood up shocked.
I looked at the screen and realized I won all the bonus rewards and barely won first place by a few points.
I smiled and looked at him, "Better luck next time?"
We both forced a laugh even though we were the two most competitive friends you could ever meet. We tried to outdo one another at anything. From sports to video games, from academics to career options, we always tried to compare each other and see who was the best at anything. In the end, we always ended having an equal balance. Some things _____ was better at were my weaknesses. But I guess winning video games was my specialty.
"Again I fail at beating you! But I won't stop trying until my time has come!" ____ said in a determined tone, throwing the controller on the bed.
"Until that day..." I said in a mocking tone and smiled at him, "I might be old and dead."
I looked around his bedroom at some of his belongings and looked at his clock. It was getting late and I really should be focusing more on school work. But going home meant having to deal with the silence my parents are giving me. Even though these silent periods after an argument are the greatest days of my life, it is still ackword to go inside a house where nobody's looking at you or even caring if you exist or not.
"I better get going." I said casually, mastering the art of deceit to my friends. "I have a bunch of stuff I should be doing."
"Alright, I'll see you tomorrow. Still taking you to school?"
I nodded my head and stood up. I went to say goodbye to his mom and walked out their front door. It was getting colder due to the spring showers we've been having lately. The weather seems so unpredictable lately that I find it hard to even watch the news and believe what they think the forecast is. Walking down the sidewalk, I noticed everyone's lights on in the house. It must be nice having a family to watch television with...
I slowly stopped and noticed someone staring at my house. My first reaction was to turn around and walk back to ____ house and ask him if he knew who this person was. Another reaction was thinking if my parents called the police because I "ran away from home." But, I found my feet still moving towards my house and I didn't even stop to consider any other options.
I found out it was a man who definitely looked older than me. He was probably in his late twenties and he had the most amazing hair I've ever seen. It was tied back in a small pony tail that almost glistening with the moonlight. He also definitely had some biceps going on with that buttoned up shirt, which definitely looked like it came from a company brand that I couldn't even afford.
Before I even stepped foot in the yard to say anything, the man turned and looked at me. He smiled or grinned. I wasn't sure which one but it was one of the most beautiful smiles I have ever seen in a guy.
"Do you live here?" He asked casually, his vibrating deep voice almost sent chills down my spine. He almost sounded as if he had an accent.
"Um....yes?" I responded as if I wasn't even sure if I deserved to live in the house that he was observing.
"Ah..." He said while nodding his head. "I just so happened to be...missing...a few of my belongings."
Oh shit. No, was it? Nah...could it?
"And I think I saw you about a week ago at night wandering the track field alone...with a dog?" He asked while he was recollecting details of that night in his head.
"How did you know I lived here?" Was all I could say.
"Well, I usually walk down these streets at night to get to my car by the light rail. And I couldn't help but notice that your dog's nose is sticking out from under the garage." He nodded his head toward the garage door.
I looked in his direction and saw _____'s face under the garage, whining for my attention. I sighed and wished my pittbull was more protective than that.
I looked at him again with a guilty conscience and finally responded, "I'm sorry...I was just concerned if they were someone in the neighborhood so I took it home and decided it was probably best to hold on to it but then I realized that there was no name on anything except for initials...and..." Deep breath, damnit! Why do I always have these run on's when I'm so nervous?
"What were the initials?" He asked casually as if he was enjoying watching me make a fool out of myself.
I almost wanted to put up my defense and knock him off his cloud.
"C. B." I said flatly, remembering them by Tin's reaction to when I found them on the brush.
I watched the man smile and look at me. His eyes were a deep, dark blue color with a hint of blue. With his lightly brown hair, it was the most beautiful thing I have ever seen, despite the fact that his stare felt like looking inside the core of my soul in search of secrets.
"My name's Caleb...." He said slowly....lifting his head up a bit. "Is that enough to get my things back?"
"Ah...." I was speechless and unsure whether to trust him or not.
"Do you want me to give you my last name too?" He asked, amused to hear my response.
At that moment I blushed, not quite sure what else to do. My entire body felt like it was malfunctioning and I couldn't breathe right. For whatever reason, Caleb's appearance made me immobile as if I was in a daze. He was so beautiful. This was the first time I ever felt like someone was looking at me not because they had to, but because I was SOMEBODY.
I nodded my head slowly.
"Bowler." He said simply. "Caleb Bowler."
He smiled again. His teeth were perfect! I mean my teeth, too, were straight and never needed braces. But his teeth were almost glistening white in the moonlight! Why are all these details standing out to me?
"They're in my car..." That was all I could say and quickly I moved to my car next to him. I fumbled for my key and pulled it out in my shorts pocket. I felt his eyes burn a hole in my back while I performed the act of opening the back door.
When I pulled his stuff out, I looked up at him. His body was immaculate. It almost looked like he could be a body builder or something. He wasn't extremely macho like the men you see in Men's Fitness, but he was pretty chisilled.
Trying not to be too disrespectful, I tried to straighten myself up a bit and not act as if I was infatuated with his presence. I handed him his backpack quietly and felt him gently take it from me. I looked away, trying to find words to say as he was slinging his backpack over his left shoulder.
"I'm sorry for taking your stuff. I should have known that someone would come back. I was just having a really bad night....and I only wanted to do one good deed to make up for it." No wonder I don't have very many boyfriends. I'm too brutally honest.
Too ashamed to look, I quickly walked to the wooden fence, expecting him to laugh at me for my response. As I unhatched the door, I felt Caleb's soft touch. He definitely knew how to stop someone from quickly leaving. I looked up at him, shocked by his action only to see his perfect white teeth and shaped jawbones.
"Tomorrow." He said slowly. It almost seemed like he was calculating something.
"...What?" I asked stupidly, knowing I must look like such a dork.
"Meet me where you got my stuff. To talk." He was so smooth with his way of speaking. I was a perfect stranger and he made it sound like he already knew me for weeks! Hell, maybe he did.
"About..." There goes those defense walls.
"Sounds like you need it." He took a step back and walked away.
Hearing some random insect sing it's song in the night, I watched him walk away with confidence on the sleeve of his shirt.
Bye. Why couldn't I say that out loud? Or maybe, it was great to see you!
Besides feeling my body refuse to move so that I can watch him walk down the block, I only hoped that _____ didn't see him walking past his house.
He didn't know I was gay, either. And I wasn't ready to explain everything to him. It wasn't time yet.