::Gonna Finally Let My Flame Glow:: <3
I wrote this entry a second ago n it deleted so I'm a little fustrated lol.
I've been comtemplating the many emotions I've gone through in my lifetime and I realized I'm starting to feel one I haven't felt so strongly before. An emotion so amazing, beautiful, real and rare. Love. I'm in love to an extreme degree. A feeling I've been avoiding for three years, finally hit me -- hard. It feels absolutely amazing. I've finally free falled into love and I feel like I'm in heaven. But it's not all smiles either.
Being the distance I am from him also makes it painful... tearful. Just thinking about it makes my eyes water... like right now. I wish we still didn't live this far apart, but I realize in a year, it won't be like that anymore. As much as people are convinced I'm not going anywhere, I am and I'm leaving happily. He's visited before and I've always been happy and whole when he was here but for some reason, when I finally packed my shit to go see him... I saw and felt something completely different.
Of course, as most know, we were broken up for some while because I felt my bisexuality turned into homosexuality. While I turned for homosexuality, I also turned to alcoholism and stupidity such as smoking. But while I was making stupid decisions, so was he. Not realizing we were making these choices because we lost our other half. We realized it, but we didn't say anything to eachother. I've seen my long time love go through many emotions and feelings but depression was never one of them. He started spinning more and more out of control. He became angry and vuglar to me til one night he got so drunk... I couldn't get ahold of him. That same night, I decided it was time to pack my shit and leave for Kansas. I told him I was planning to go see him, but he spun so far away from me.. it hardly phased him at first. On top of that, he said nasty things to me like "Why bother getting exciting, you probably won't come anyway." As much as my love was turning away from me, I tried to hold my ground. As the day for my appearance came closer, he started to show some excitement, as much as he tried to hide it. I finally asked him if there was a chance for he and I and he coldly told me "We'll see" and as much as I wanted to cuss him out, I knew I couldn't blow this up. I knew he didn't mean all the nasty shit he had been saying to me, he was saying it out of anger over our breakup. So I simply told him: "Once you see me, you'll change." He laughed, rudely enough, but of course... Love came through.
I was terrified of planes... but for him, I'd do anything. I left Arizona, unsure of what happen... how he'll see me or if I'd come back with a boyfriend or not. I fell asleep on my ride and as soon as we got into Kansas, I gazed out my window. My mind was racing, I hadn't seen my love since March last year... almost a year. As we landed at the airport, my heart jumped in my throat. I was in a foreign place with a guy that was close to hating me. But I had the hope that I could fix him and I... us. I didn't know what to expect so I called him to let him know I was in town and I turned the corner, blind as a bat... looking around til I saw someone also on a phone get up and come towards me. Not quite the Ken I remember, but sexy as all hell. I was so nervous. He came and gave me a hug... I took in his scent and felt his heartbeat going as fast as mine and realized, he felt just as complete as I did. The first twenty minutes were nerve racking, then he reached for my hand in the truck... that finalized it, I won my love back.
Of course he wanted the day before I left to ask me back out so he could be sure, it was amazing. I didn't want to leave. I remember getting dressed in the bathroom and walking out and the look on his face made me unsure of what he was trying to tell me. "what?" He got up and approached me, "You're so beautiful baby"
I don't think either fell so hard for eachother as we did in those couple of days. I painfully reside here in Arizona simply because I could be happily in Kansas with the love of my life. I've never fallen so hard for someone, so I have it pretty bad. While I was out there, his soul danced with mine. I felt complete and I've never been so happy. His scent still lingers around when I wake up in the morning, I go through a flast of excitement then I realize... I'm in my bed still. He's as amazing as he smells, I swear it lol
Part of me is scared to be like this, but I can't help it anymore, I've tried to not let him get in too far, but he's past the point of no return. I sit here today, a different person than a year ago. I realize I have no time to think about anyone else cause I'm always thinking about him. I've grown up and realized no one is worth loosing him over. Being this in love feels so good sometimes I wonder if its sinful. Then I hear his voice and laugh and realize this is what god intended for each person... for them to find that one person that you can look at and say... that's my soulmate. People spend their entire lives looking for love and forevers... I already found mine. I've tried to look briefly over the past few years and now I realized, I was an idiot. I don't need to look anymore, he's been right in front of me this whole time. I found my other half.. the one person that completes me utterly and completely n I love him more than anything <3
I've said love plenty of times.
But he's been and is that one person I can look right into his gorgeous green eyes and say "I love you baby... more than anything"
<3
Dear Boyfriend;
I've messed up plenty of times, and I've said stupid shit, but you spent the last couple of years holding us together. This past year, it was your turn to say mean shit and almost give up on us... practically testing my love for you and I can proudly say I passed and I held us together this last time. Don't get it mistaken, I loved you this whole time, but I didn't realize how much til last month and I've fallen deeper and deeper in love with you ever since. No words can express what you mean to me... there's not enough numbers in the universe to add up to the amount of love I have for you. This feeling of love has changed me so much. I grew to realize that people have disagreements and arguements, that's no reason to break up though. You mean to much to me now to leave again. My forever is tied to yours. October, was the last time I'll let you go. I love you sweetie, more than anything in this world and nothing is going to change that. You have become my one and only <3
Sincerly,
Mrs. September 1, 2002 <33