My "Fake" Brother
My brother is finally home! It's so exciting. It's weird to think that my best friend doesn't know him, Eric doesn't know him, and he's missed my life for the last two years. He speaks portuguese most of the time, but I understand most of it, until he adds weird words in there that don't even make sense in spanish. Today i went to work. IT SUCKED.
Customers yelled at me, and told me to not put things in boxes for them, then put things in boxes, and blah blah. It was so annoying. You know when you just feel like crying, but you just can't, and your head throbs and throbs and feels like exploding? Well pretty much all today was like that...and have I cried? No. Hanging out with only guys in Utah kinda makes you that way. My manager also told me I don't dress professionally enough and I don't give enough customer service, when just yesterday I was being complemented on multi tasking so well, from customers. Then he told me that I needed to sell more credit and stuff. I was just plainly super annoyed. Then James, my new work friend, wasn't there after my two hour long interview, so no one was there to make me laugh. By then I wanted to die, especially cuz I have only slept for six hours in the last two days.
I went and saw Stefan after that. That was pretty cool. I hadn't seen him for a really long time. Then I went to David F's BBQ cuz he's leaving, and that was fun. Josh got his mission call today, but I don't know where to. The best part of my day was going over to AJ's. You wouldn't think it would be, but it was. We're really friends now, and it's cool. I like being able to be friends with all my exes. Ya know? Makes me feel like I didn't hurt them so badly, or that they didn't hurt me.
When you don't fix a breakup- when you leave it messy, it just hurts...forever. But when you leave things clean, then you can heel and move on. And I guess that's what happened with AJ and I. Since we finally decided that we would never feel the same way about each other, and that we needed to stop kidding ourselves that we would be perfect for each other again, we've been okay. We went and sat on the roof and looked at the stars, and just talked. We talked about our childhoods, and how everything was going for us, and in that moment, it felt like I had a friend...someone who actually cared enough to worry about what was going on...and I haven't felt that way in a long time. I'm not saying none of you have cared, or that none of you have felt like friends...but in that one moment, I felt like that for once, the world was okay. And that I, in some alternate world, would be okay.
I mean, I have friends that care, Mike called me up just today to make sure everything was going okay and to find out how life was going for me, and how my brother coming home was and stuff. But it ends in me feeling like I just complained a lot and nothing really got solved. I called Eric today cuz I was super annoyed and he just told me I was a dork and stuff like how much of a loser I was- all sarcastically, as to make me laugh, but it didn't work. But with AJ today...he gave me advice, and listened, and gave his own stories that related to the situation...and the best part was, there was no distractions - no tv, no music - just me and him...and the stars. And the even bester part, was that it was in person. There's something about the phone that is just so impersonal...makes you feel like they aren't really listening.
I hate that Awbs is so far from me, cuz we can only talk on the phone, and half of the time one of us is way distracted by something else. She's not even talking to me right now cuz AJ called her wanting to say hi, but she hates him and hung up on him. Oh well....guess I have to deal with it. Right now, I really just need someone by my side, telling me things are gonna be all right. I need someone to sit down and just listen to me...no funny business just trying to make me laugh, but something to actually solve the situation and actually worry about me being okay in the long run, and not just the present moment. But its 3:14 am...where the heck do you find that now? ...You don't....
Jackie