(no subject)
So its earlier that it was last night and im less tired. Still tired though. Anywho my boyfriend came to MY house tonight. We watched that movie called Pleasentville or something like that with Reese Witherspoon.. it was fun i guess. Rather akward at some points but all was good i suppose. My sister is being stupid. So ok a little recap on whats happened in the past year. I've accepted myself as a bisexual. I've lost my virginity. I've stopped cutting. And i know theres some other things but those are the ones i feel like writing about. So my sister tonight was like... would u disown me if i were a lesbian or a bi? and i was remembering when my lesbian friend told me that my sister told her that she thought she was bisexual but I know the only reason she is saying that is because when my friend was comeing out my dad said how disgusting it was and my sister will do anything to hurt my dad. So shes claiming herself as bisexual. Which is really dumb. And I know after she thinks about it more and more and as she gets more upset at my dad she will tell him that "shes bisexual". And its gunna be real lame. I would never come out unless i fell in love with a woman. But at the moment I'm in love with a guy. During basketball season last winter I had been cutting myself (stupidly it was on my wrist and I couldnt wear a bracelet during practice or anything) and my sister was like "whats that?" and i ignored her. She she thinks that by cutting herself she'll get attention. She is so pathetic. And the whole thing with this guy shes "in love with". I used to kind of date this guy and she says shes cutting herself over him. He dumped her cuz he knows shes to young for him. Shes a drama queen and Its getting really annoying. Like when my boyfriend and i are lying on the couch watching a movie she gets all pissy over nothing! God she is so fucking annoying. I hate it. Well June is almost here and I need to start a diet at least. Easy my way back into 200 calories a day or something. For graduation I got a car and a labtop. My mother got me the car and my labtop from my father. I think my mom is going crazy. She thinks entirely weird. It scares me sometimes. Shes in this "battle" with my dad trying to win me over. And its all in her head. I really wish she wasnt this way. She expects me to cater to her now. I dont know. My parents piss me off equally but in completely different ways. They are complete opposites. I'm just afraid of turning to much into one or the other. My boyfriend and I have been haveing these little fights. And as much as i hate to admit it the only thing keeping us from annoying each other is sex. It brings tears to my eyes just thinking of that. And even sex with him annoys me a little. And I do love him. I do. Theres no lie about that. Its just.... i guess i expected more. I hate that. I need to quit expecting to much of things. Usually im pestimistic but I still have the childish "everything sounds like fun" things going on and I end up setting myself up for disappointment. Kinda like when I see a super thin girl on tv or in a magazine and i think 'i could starve myself to look like that easily' and it would be easy if i didnt work in a fricking grochery store. Or have a mother and or father that cooks really good food every night. I just need to make a plan. And I keep telling myself that i WILL look like the thin girls in the movies and stuff but it never happens. I always give in. And is seems like Before i even think about not eating as much or at all... in the back of my head im thinking 'you'll give in like you always do... so dont even try again'. I miss my boyfriend already. Well not really my boyfriend but haveing somebody there. To hold me. And just hold me tight. To love me. Truly love me and just hold me. My boyfriend never really does that. He used to. He did. And when we kissed it was hott and romantic and passionate. But it was only that way because thats all we did. I never believed anybody when they said that sex changes everything. I believe it now.