(no subject)
It's been so long. I haven't posted in a journal since..well it says the date. So many things happened that had an immense impact on my life.
I can't recount them all.
Instead of listing yesterday's thoughts, I'll start with today.
I feel like having my own hole to crawl into. I'm currently living with my boyfriend. While that has its good moments, there are also many bad ones. I would like a sense of privacy and as a result, a sense of control. I would like to be able to call up my boyfriend when I'm feeling lonely so he can just come over and sleep next to me. That would make the moments so much more special. It's not that I don't appreciate these moments now that I live with him. But I feel that he's habituated to the living situation with me. I feel as if I'm living with a husband not a boyfriend. All the kinks come out.
I'm too young to be living with someone on those terms currently. I still need to figure out where my life is going before I can bring someone else into it. That greatly influences the choices I make right now. Also, I have a feeling he just isn't ready to be in a serious relationship. I have a feeling he has this idea of a "good relationship" which only consists of "good" moments. He doesn't realize that in every relationship there's both sides to a story. You need to accept the bad moments along with the good. As much as I love him I'm starting to doubt his ability of maintaining any relationship in his life. I mean..he's 36 and he still hasn't developed a sense of self, let alone a sense of what a relationship is. I try to give my all to anything I'm in. I don't believe in simply giving up on an endeavor (although I may be a hypocrite in reference to life). That's what a relationship takes. Being completely in it no matter if there's good or bad. No matter what the dosage of each is. The only good relationship is the one where both people go through the fights together and go through the makeup's together. Where each one knows that the other loves them even when they're fighting the worst battle with each other.
I'm not sure how my entry led to that ramble but that's one of the things that pops into my mind from time to time.
I can't recount them all.
Instead of listing yesterday's thoughts, I'll start with today.
I feel like having my own hole to crawl into. I'm currently living with my boyfriend. While that has its good moments, there are also many bad ones. I would like a sense of privacy and as a result, a sense of control. I would like to be able to call up my boyfriend when I'm feeling lonely so he can just come over and sleep next to me. That would make the moments so much more special. It's not that I don't appreciate these moments now that I live with him. But I feel that he's habituated to the living situation with me. I feel as if I'm living with a husband not a boyfriend. All the kinks come out.
I'm too young to be living with someone on those terms currently. I still need to figure out where my life is going before I can bring someone else into it. That greatly influences the choices I make right now. Also, I have a feeling he just isn't ready to be in a serious relationship. I have a feeling he has this idea of a "good relationship" which only consists of "good" moments. He doesn't realize that in every relationship there's both sides to a story. You need to accept the bad moments along with the good. As much as I love him I'm starting to doubt his ability of maintaining any relationship in his life. I mean..he's 36 and he still hasn't developed a sense of self, let alone a sense of what a relationship is. I try to give my all to anything I'm in. I don't believe in simply giving up on an endeavor (although I may be a hypocrite in reference to life). That's what a relationship takes. Being completely in it no matter if there's good or bad. No matter what the dosage of each is. The only good relationship is the one where both people go through the fights together and go through the makeup's together. Where each one knows that the other loves them even when they're fighting the worst battle with each other.
I'm not sure how my entry led to that ramble but that's one of the things that pops into my mind from time to time.