Oh... I'm... Still... Alive... ? I Forgot I Was Still Here...

[teaokay]

Wow, so I ended up reading some of my journal from the past. I really have become just... a really... huge... asshole. I forgot how I actually made an effort to justify my journal's existence once. And I was also friendly to people. I use to actually write amusing, witty little things about nothing and mock the world. Well not many people are

Comments

[teaokay]

Now that is odd. I didn't expect everyone to leave "long, thought-out responses" as it were put... ! Hmm... well, I'm not sure what I say? Thank you? It feels like I should thank people when they simply acknowledge my existence, that seems like the right thing to do first of all I think. I sense some you becoming frustrated with me, ah, I don't blame you. I'm pretty stubborn aren't I? Well, I cherish all of your words though, for you gave the effort to speak them to me. That gives me some hope. I know, I know... everyone else hates living too, and I'm singing the same old song... I dunno though... I just really don't know if anyone really thinks and feels like I do. Sure everyone has their reasons they're upset. But I'm not sure many have discovered the truly horrific reasons of despair and woe. The type of discovery that can only come from years of being alone almost 27/7 without any "distractions" such as friends and activities. Hm, no, most people have too many distractions to be able to think about it enough.

[teaokay]

You're really right there Ms. Smile. You hit the nail right on the head with your words... I guess the trouble with me is I'm just a bit too different. I know, I know, everyone says there's plently of people out there like you. Blah, blah, blah. It's been almost 22 years now and guess what? Haven't seen / heard of / witnessed somebody enough like me to truly trust and feel comfortable around. The rare times I've tried to believe in somebody and trust them have hurt me the most. I don't think anybody is quite understanding how much it takes from me when this happens. Otherwise they would not be so oblivious to the paralyzing effect it has on my life and the extreme chaos it creates inside me. A while ago, I made "the effort" and do you know what that caused? The effort caused me to completely mess my life up beyond repair. It caused me to lose my sanity and left me completely broke. Now I have no way out of it. I thought I was doing a good thing but that effort destroyed me. I was willing to somehow, someway, build

[teaokay]

Don't you hate when that happens? No problem, I feel bad, because that's very frustrating. :(