(no subject)
A lot of nights have passed me by.. empty and worthless.. wasted by me. How many days have past with me writing endless letters in my mind.. letters that never get delivered. All my thoughts and words I try so desperately to organize.. but they remain pointless, because I share them with no one. I gave up on this world and trying to express what I feel and what I believe in and what I want. Is this shameful or is it in fact the best thing I could have done? I’m still in that spot where it seems anything I do would be wrong. This is one letter I’m going to force out, before something happens, before I’m not able to write again, or before I die. I want to make an effort even if it’s not much. I just want this to be here, to exist.
I know why the past still haunts me. I know.. but I can’t stop it. I allow it to continue. I’ve always needed to figure things out, always needed to come to an answer. But what happened with my first relationship.. well I never got an answer.. and I can never figure it out. People told me to just move on, nothing good will come from thinking of the past. They’re probably right.. but nothing good will come from me forgetting it either. That’s the thing about the past, it happened and there’s nothing that can change that. I can’t go back, no one can go back and fix it for me. Nothing can bring me back to who I use to be. I’ll never have an answer, so it will always be with me.. clouding who I am, who I could be. I’ll always be a weak shadow.. too afraid, too untrusting, too cold.
Rissa words can’t express what you’ve done to me. I loved you, I fought for you, worked for your respect and your heart. If you only knew how hard it was for me. Everything I hoped for and all that I ever wanted... you played dumb like you didn’t understand or like it wasn’t a big deal, you denied it to me. And after all those years, and after the time we spent together, after you saw how much I loved you... After you claimed to love me... You turned around so quickly and gave it all to somebody else. All I ever wanted. Your love and respect.. you flew to him, you let him in... you let him meet your family... All in a few months. The questions come over and over again... Why was I never good enough for any of that? Why didn’t you ever let me in? I was always there, always there for you. I would have been there to talk or to listen whenever you needed to. I would have done anything for you. I never took you for granted. So why? How could this happen? If you would have just shown me a small percentage of what you did for him... I would have never asked for anything more. All this time I’ve spent wondering what I could have done better, or what I didn’t do well enough.. what went wrong. Well.. I’ve come realize I’ll never understand why, but I do know that it was you who was wrong. It was your mistake. I did all I could... I have to accept that it’s your fault and I’ll never understand why you did it. And I know in this lifetime you’ll never understand the magnitude of what you’ve done to another human being... But I wish no bad upon you. There is no punishment for this. Nothing will make it go away or change it, so there is no need. All I wish is that in the afterlife.. you can be shown.. you can feel what I could never describe. Just so you know, just so you understand. I’ve held that in for too long... it’s overdue, but I’ll do well to let it out now.
One person tried to help me let the past die. She made me feel I was still worth something and she wanted me to have hope and live. It’s not her fault I couldn’t be normal. One thing I owe to Jamie, is that I have no interest in reading about Rissa’s life in the very journal I gave her anymore. You were right.. I was never going to find an answer there, and it could do nothing but upset me. I stopped reading hers at the beginning of this year.. but of course now I read yours. You told me not to do that I know but.. it’s not for the same reasons. I just check.. sometimes.. every once in a while because I miss you. The way you write, the things you write about and everything. I feel too guilty about who I am to blame you for not wanting to be with me after all. I burnt myself out going after the wrong person. As much as I did for Rissa, I did nothing for you. Not a damn thing. I didn’t even get to give you one letter or gift. I wasn’t able to show you how I felt or make you happy. It’s hard to think about how much effort and money and time I wasted... how meaningless it all was. I should have never tried with her I should have waited for someone like you.. no, not just like you.. you. You’re the only one who knows how to get to me. I’m sorry but it’s true. It’s clear that if I don’t belong with you I belong with no one. I messed up big time. There is nothing that would have made me happier than to be by your side and not be afraid of the world. If I knew how I would put all my effort into making you happy. But I don’t know how, I don’t know how to trust the world outside my head. I know you said you’d never read my journal again.. but incase you do and you read this.. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry I couldn’t have been better for you. I wish I was with you, building a life worth living.
Well.. I’ve been trying to figure out what to do with my life now, but I never get anywhere. I don’t want to just play a part, I want to be real. I feel too guilty talking to people in my fake voice. Stupid for acting as if the things that mean nothing to me do. I need to do something that actually means something. Something nice, kind, useful... I’ve looked into many different things, but there’s nothing I can do. I’m not qualified for anything. Imagine that, you have to be qualified enough to volunteer to help people now. I want to do something broad and useful and honorable, but I don’t want to get personally attached or get to know anybody... I feel I’ve ended up with a very messed up empty life, so I want to make something useful out of my existence. If I can do something helpful for someone else or humanity then my life won’t be wasted. But I’ll never have the money or social skills to. I can’t even help myself. Although actually I think it might be easier to help others than yourself. I don’t know what to do. Someday, maybe soon the only person who knows I exist anymore will pass on. Then I won’t have much choice on what I have to do. I’ll have nowhere to go and no one to take care of me. No money for “education” or somewhere to live. No transportation, no way to get even a simple job to support myself. I’ve made no friends or family to lend me a hand. I have nowhere to belong. Believe it or not I don’t feel sorry for myself, I just don’t see a way out of this and I’m frustrated and disappointed to be useless. It upsets me greatly that I can’t find the solution to this problem and that I can’t be useful. I say I’m sorry a million times a day, to God, to others for my existence. I know that’s not enough. But since it’s the only thing I can seem to do I’ll say it again. I’m sorry.
I know why the past still haunts me. I know.. but I can’t stop it. I allow it to continue. I’ve always needed to figure things out, always needed to come to an answer. But what happened with my first relationship.. well I never got an answer.. and I can never figure it out. People told me to just move on, nothing good will come from thinking of the past. They’re probably right.. but nothing good will come from me forgetting it either. That’s the thing about the past, it happened and there’s nothing that can change that. I can’t go back, no one can go back and fix it for me. Nothing can bring me back to who I use to be. I’ll never have an answer, so it will always be with me.. clouding who I am, who I could be. I’ll always be a weak shadow.. too afraid, too untrusting, too cold.
Rissa words can’t express what you’ve done to me. I loved you, I fought for you, worked for your respect and your heart. If you only knew how hard it was for me. Everything I hoped for and all that I ever wanted... you played dumb like you didn’t understand or like it wasn’t a big deal, you denied it to me. And after all those years, and after the time we spent together, after you saw how much I loved you... After you claimed to love me... You turned around so quickly and gave it all to somebody else. All I ever wanted. Your love and respect.. you flew to him, you let him in... you let him meet your family... All in a few months. The questions come over and over again... Why was I never good enough for any of that? Why didn’t you ever let me in? I was always there, always there for you. I would have been there to talk or to listen whenever you needed to. I would have done anything for you. I never took you for granted. So why? How could this happen? If you would have just shown me a small percentage of what you did for him... I would have never asked for anything more. All this time I’ve spent wondering what I could have done better, or what I didn’t do well enough.. what went wrong. Well.. I’ve come realize I’ll never understand why, but I do know that it was you who was wrong. It was your mistake. I did all I could... I have to accept that it’s your fault and I’ll never understand why you did it. And I know in this lifetime you’ll never understand the magnitude of what you’ve done to another human being... But I wish no bad upon you. There is no punishment for this. Nothing will make it go away or change it, so there is no need. All I wish is that in the afterlife.. you can be shown.. you can feel what I could never describe. Just so you know, just so you understand. I’ve held that in for too long... it’s overdue, but I’ll do well to let it out now.
One person tried to help me let the past die. She made me feel I was still worth something and she wanted me to have hope and live. It’s not her fault I couldn’t be normal. One thing I owe to Jamie, is that I have no interest in reading about Rissa’s life in the very journal I gave her anymore. You were right.. I was never going to find an answer there, and it could do nothing but upset me. I stopped reading hers at the beginning of this year.. but of course now I read yours. You told me not to do that I know but.. it’s not for the same reasons. I just check.. sometimes.. every once in a while because I miss you. The way you write, the things you write about and everything. I feel too guilty about who I am to blame you for not wanting to be with me after all. I burnt myself out going after the wrong person. As much as I did for Rissa, I did nothing for you. Not a damn thing. I didn’t even get to give you one letter or gift. I wasn’t able to show you how I felt or make you happy. It’s hard to think about how much effort and money and time I wasted... how meaningless it all was. I should have never tried with her I should have waited for someone like you.. no, not just like you.. you. You’re the only one who knows how to get to me. I’m sorry but it’s true. It’s clear that if I don’t belong with you I belong with no one. I messed up big time. There is nothing that would have made me happier than to be by your side and not be afraid of the world. If I knew how I would put all my effort into making you happy. But I don’t know how, I don’t know how to trust the world outside my head. I know you said you’d never read my journal again.. but incase you do and you read this.. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry I couldn’t have been better for you. I wish I was with you, building a life worth living.
Well.. I’ve been trying to figure out what to do with my life now, but I never get anywhere. I don’t want to just play a part, I want to be real. I feel too guilty talking to people in my fake voice. Stupid for acting as if the things that mean nothing to me do. I need to do something that actually means something. Something nice, kind, useful... I’ve looked into many different things, but there’s nothing I can do. I’m not qualified for anything. Imagine that, you have to be qualified enough to volunteer to help people now. I want to do something broad and useful and honorable, but I don’t want to get personally attached or get to know anybody... I feel I’ve ended up with a very messed up empty life, so I want to make something useful out of my existence. If I can do something helpful for someone else or humanity then my life won’t be wasted. But I’ll never have the money or social skills to. I can’t even help myself. Although actually I think it might be easier to help others than yourself. I don’t know what to do. Someday, maybe soon the only person who knows I exist anymore will pass on. Then I won’t have much choice on what I have to do. I’ll have nowhere to go and no one to take care of me. No money for “education” or somewhere to live. No transportation, no way to get even a simple job to support myself. I’ve made no friends or family to lend me a hand. I have nowhere to belong. Believe it or not I don’t feel sorry for myself, I just don’t see a way out of this and I’m frustrated and disappointed to be useless. It upsets me greatly that I can’t find the solution to this problem and that I can’t be useful. I say I’m sorry a million times a day, to God, to others for my existence. I know that’s not enough. But since it’s the only thing I can seem to do I’ll say it again. I’m sorry.