And with each mile
CHAPTER 36: DEATH BED WILL
Rating: NC-17
Genre: Zaylor / Hancest
Pairing: Zac & Taylor
About the story: Zac & Taylor's relationship broke up when they got caught kissing by the press and their career were over in a split of a second. To continue a normal life and to take a break from his brother, Taylor starts to study at a College in London but the long distance between them can't stop their feelings for each other.
The final Chapters of "And with each Mile" are written by us Team Zaylor girls because unfortunately the original author of this amazing story left the readers hanging and didn't continue the story after the last chapter you've read.
We decided to continue the story and write a few final chapters...
Enjoy & comment! ♥
Just a final note, please bear with our writing, we're not from an English speaking country.
Thanks to our new and 3rd Team Zaylor member for editing! :) ♥
I eventually fell into a comfortable routine living at Zachary’s and got back to living real life.
I arranged to have my things from London shipped home and wrote a letter to my old contacts in Europe, apologizing that I never returned. I wrote a long letter to Quinn, because she was a good friend to me, and I was a shitty friend just taking off without a word. It was weird to think that I might not ever see her again.
Zachary generally spent the days with me. We sleep late, eat and lay around watching movies and playing cards. Zachary’s a big card person although I don’t think that most people know that. He likes cards because he can prove how much smarter and more clever he is than you. He always wins. Almost every night he’d kick my ass at Rummy a few times, and then he’d fuck my ass a few more times in his bedroom.
Fuck. That was vulgar, especially for me, but I couldn’t resist the play on words.
The sex was very good though, consistent and comfortable, but in a rough passionate way- not comfortable in the way that your parents “make love” behind their bedroom door when the kids are asleep.
(end of original plot)
-----------------------------------
It was a phone call at 3am in the morning that woke me up. I groaned and nudged Zachary's arm, before even knowing what was going on, he grunted and turned his back away from me, which made me shiver for a moment. I wanted the disturbing ridiculous Simpsons theme sound of Zachary's phone to stop so I answered a groggy "yeah?" in the receiver.
I heard my mother's voice on the other line, she sounded very serious. "Taylor!" she said, not even asking or wondering why I was answering the call or why I was sleeping at my brother’s apartment, but I realized that wasn't the reason of her call.
I was awake in a matter of seconds and managed to quickly peel myself off the bed.
"Taylor, your Dad is going to die…” She sniffed and paused. "His doctor said he will probably have few more hours left." Suddenly, I felt how I lost the ground under my feet and my hands began to shiver.
I felt numb. I was pretty sure that there was a sharp pain that gripped my chest so tightly and the world came crashing over me in one fell swoop through that phone call...
I suddenly realized that apparently, neither of us didn’t take the information very seriously when we got the first call while we’re in Spain. And since he looked healthy and not totally sickly the last time we saw him, I tried to ignore the horrible fact that this very moment might come but not this soon!
Now that our Dad had only a few more hours to live, the past ran through my mind within seconds. Moments of our childhood popped into my head and I felt guilty that we didn't take the opportunity to spend more time with him when we had the chance.
"Taylor... your Dad wants to talk to you and Zac before…” She stopped, and I immediately understood what she meant. “Please hurry up and come to the St. Stevens Hospital as fast as you can. Ike is already here." I heard the sadness and despair in her voice and I didn't know what to say to make her feel better. "Sure Mom. We'll be there in a few," I responded before I hung up.
My heart was beating fast and I swayed a little when I stood up to wake up Zac. Honestly, I couldn't say if it was because of our numerous sexual activities last night or if I was just in shock.
We sat in Zachary's car a few minutes later. At first I wasn't sure if I would even manage to wake him up or how his reaction would be after his "I don't care" behaviour in the last days. He wasn't pleased that I woke him up but after he realized what was going on, he follwed me without comment which kinda scared me. Zac was rarely silent. Usually he spoke even in the most awkward situations but this time was different. We were on our way to see our father for the very last time.
I was trying to read his mind but he just remained composed while I was on the verge of breaking down. I thought about our childhood again and about the time in which we played with our Dad in the garden and when he built our collaborative tree house. I could feel how my eyes began to water and sniffed.
That was the moment when I felt Zachary's hand on mine and he squeezed it lightly. "Taylor, don't worry. I'm here," he said quietly. Even though it wasn't probably his biggest pleasure to comfort me, at least he was there for me at a point where I needed him the most like he had promised me.
I nodded and sniffed thankfully again while I tried to speed up and pushed against the gas pedal.
It didn’t take long until we arrived at the hospital, but it felt like a whole life time. Suddenly we drove through the years of our childhood and teenage years again. We barely paid attention to the pale light from the street lights and it felt as if we were driving through a dream world.
I even waited for the moment in which someone would tell me "hey daydreamer, time to wake up." But the strange pain in my chest let me know I wasn't dreaming. Signs of guilt came up in me again that I had wasted time. Time that I could have spent with our father when I had the opportunity. Instead I spent the time letting Zachary to fuck my brain out. It was too late.
"I wish I wouldn't have went to London. If only I would have spent the time here and visited dad more often. I feel so guilty."
"You couldn't know that Taylor. There's no need to feel guilty." He said simply.
I wiped my eyes with the back of my hand and wondered at the same time how Zac was still able to act so cold. But I guess everyone has another way of dealing with coming death. Until now he never had showed if the medical condition of our father interested him at all. At least he didn't seem to mind to comfort me for which I was grateful.
I laid my hand back in his again. Knowing that Zachary was there gave me the ability to keep calm. I silently prayed that we wouldn't arrive too late. I didn’t know how I could handle that. Feelings of guilt would probably stay forever.
I didn't like to admit that Zac's seriousness scared the fuck out of me, but I didn't say a single word because it wasn't the right time to think about. Besides that I was consumed with my own sorrow.
We hurried to the entrance a few minutes later and the dreamer in me was still waiting for anybody who would come to pinch my arm and wake me up. But nothing happened. Instead the weird smell of hospitals was greeting us and made my stomach tense up.
My teeth were chattering and Zachary gripped my cold hand more tightly. Even though he was silent the whole time, honestly, I might not be able to manage the car drive to the hospital safe if he hadn't been there.
We were still holding hands as we went into the hospital and found our mom in the hallway. The moment I saw her face, I immediately knew I wasn't dreaming. We were reunited with our family in one of the most horrible moments of our lives.
Isaac gave us a irritated look when he saw us coming running while holding hands but he didn't say a word about it. He didn't know yet Zac and I were together again. Well, actually we were never really apart. The years in which we weren't together we were just messing around and trying to deny that we still love each other. Neither of us didn't want to be forced to love someone else. Even though we tried it for a while. I guess we did it for the sake of our family. But failed miserably, both of us in his own way. Somehow, it actually had made our Love even stronger. Because now we knew even more how much we needed each other. I squeezed Zac's hand at the thought and he squeezed mine back.
"Taylor, Zac, it's about time!" Isaac greeted us, probably trying to ignore our intertwined hands.
This was not the right situation to discuss about our relationship.
"How is he?" I asked, feeling a lump in my throat as Zac let go of my hand.
Ike wrapped his arm around the back of our mom when she sobbed again.
"He is very weak," she cried. Zac stood silently at my side, his expression vacous. I had no idea how he remained so calm all the fucking time. In such moments he drove me crazy. I didn't know whether to slap him or to adore him. I chose the adoring part for my own good because his comfort was what helped me to feel not so guilty at least.
Suddenly, the swing door on the side opened and a tall man in a white coat came out of a room and walked over to us.
"The patient is only intermittently conscious. You can visit him now but please avoid stressing him out." He instructed us shortly.
We agreed and I felt tears again prickling in my eyes when I saw my mother’s desperation. I was glad she hugged us before we went inside the room in which our father was dying. Dying. The word itself freaked me out. This couldn't be happening! I cleared my throat and tried to act as calm as Zachary did. But deep down it killed me. I wanted to say goodbye. And I wanted to be anywhere but here.
"Where are the others?" I asked my mother, thinking of our younger siblings.
"At home. They were here the whole evening. They already said goodbye to your Dad. I didn't want them to stay here, and wait until…" she sobbed again and a tear fell in her handkerchief. "I'm going to wait here. Your Dad said he wants to speak with you guys alone. I will join in about 10 minutes." Her voice was broken and shivering.
"Are you sure you want to wait here?" Isaac asked worriedly.
She rubbed her nose with her handkerchief and nodded.
"Yes. Go inside guys... go inside and say goodbye. I don't think there is much more time left for us..."
She turned her back to us and we couldn't see her face anymore. Ike sighed and opened the door of our dad’s room. We followed him inside to the bed where our father was lying.
It was strange to see him lying there so weak and connected to machines. It has been only a few days ago since we saw him at home and he hadn't been looked sick. At least not at first sight. But now the difference was visible for everyone. Now he looked ten years older, his skin was pale and his eyes feeble. Our Dad was always a strong man. I couldn't even remember seeing him sick anytime in the past.
He smiled a little when he saw us hesitantly walking over to his bed, but it was a very weak smile. I was glad Ike was there with us. At least one normal son our Dad probably thought. If it would be just me and Zac, I guess I would have felt more guilty because of our relationship and also because surely, we disappointed him in all ways sons could disappoint their father. Two fucked up sons in love with each other. On top of that then we just left him. My actions weren't any better than Zachary's. I tried to ignore the nagging truth that he was dying while Zac just didn't care at all so far. We didn’t even come to visit him.
I wanted to hold onto Zachary and cling to him for strength. It was strange how the sudden serious situation tied us together again. When I looked over to my Dad I almost wanted to run away to erase the scene right in front of my eyes. He didn’t deserve this.
He was just fucking 52 years old and too young to die!
"Hey Dad," Ike said and took his hand, squeezing it lightly. We said hello to him as if it was the first time we saw him in years. I knew that blaming ourselves wasn’t necessary for the situation but I felt so bad for wasting so much of our time. I wondered if Zac still didn't give a shit and if he even regretted some of our mindless actions in the past at all. Somehow it was hard to believe my brother could actually be that careless.
"Thanks boys for coming," he said. Our Dad always said boys, even though Ike was already 21, we were still his boys.
"Dad you don't need to thank us. It's a matter of course." Ike still held his hand as if he was trying to keep him alive through the strength of his own hand.
Dad coughed and said in a throaty weak voice "Please sit down boys. I want to speak to the three of you." His eyes flicked to the chairs next to his bed and Zachary and I sat down on two chairs on the facing side. Our knees brushed slightly against each other and I rested my hands on my knee just like Zac did. My hand instinctively moved to reached out for his fingers but I stopped myself midway, not wanting my dad to watch his fucked up sons during his last minutes on earth.
He smiled a little again as he saw my intention. "You don't have to hide your relationship Taylor." He knew us better than everyone else though.
I blushed and shifted awkwardly, not sure what to respond.
"I'm sorry Dad," I eventually said quietly.
"For what?" He asked, his voice was weak and throathy.
"For everything you went through because of us. I... know we weren't the easiest sons to handle with." I somehow felt the need to apologize.
Isaac glanced over to us but I couldn't read if his expression was disgusted or accusing, I couldn’t tell what he was thinking of.
Dad shook his head. "Don't be sorry. You don't chose who you fall in love with. I know that the last years weren't exactly the easiest for you boys either. I just wanted to let you know that I'm probably the one who should be sorry..."
"Dad no-"
"Let me finish this Taylor.” He cut me off. “I want you boys to know that..." He paused. "If you really love each other, don't let the media or public put you down. Don't let them destroy your love, because it is all what's worth fighing for. I'm sorry that it took me three years to accept your relationship..." he paused again and breathed heavily.
I couldn't help but start to cry silently. I was surprised as Zachary leaned over to take Dad's other hand in his because it was the first reaction he showed since we arrived at the hospital. So the crazy bastard had feelings after all. I sighed relieved and since Dad told us we don't need to hide our relationship I dared to lean my head against Zac's shoulder. I needed his touch at that very moment so badly. He wrapped his free arm around my shoulder immediately and rested it there. His comfort made me feel a little bit better.
I still couldn't say how Zachary felt or what he was thinking, cause he didn't seem to care at all until yesterday evening. But he was here, comforted me and it was all that mattered for me.
Now that we were here sitting in front of our dying father who apologized to us even though we were the ones who ruined quasi everything for our relationship. All I knew was that, if I hadn't drop off the College in London and if Zachary didn’t beseech me to drop it off, I wouldn't be here now. I wouldn't sit here right now because I'd probably arrive too late or my mother wouldn't have said anything at all, thinking that they don’t want me to get worried while I was studying. And I felt even more thankful to Zac more than I ever felt before. I took his hand which was still resting on my shoulder, silently thanking God for sending me my protective younger brother.
Dad smiled again and glanced to Isaac. "I think it's time to tell you boys know about my last deathbed will..."
I winced when I heard Zac's upset voice all of a sudden.
"Don't say that Dad. You will get better!" I hadn't noticed yet that a tear rolled over Zac's cheek and I became frightened, it was scary to see Zac in a humiliating condition. I wasn't able to hide my tears anymore from that point on all the more. The coming death of our father seems suddenly more real from the moment Zachary finally showed some feelings. I instictively slung my arms around Zac's waist and sobbed quietly against his shoulder.
"Boys, death is natural. We all have to accept it," Dad almost whispered. His skin looked even paler than a few minutes ago. He kept talking, exerting all the last energies he had.
"Listen to me. I know that the media ruined your career two years ago, but I want you to know that I want you boys to start making music again together. Sure there is no record label which will offer you a record deal with your history. But you can put up your own record company. It doesn't matter if you can't reach the same success like during your younger years in the music industry. The scandal will never be completely erased, but you should give it a try anyway. I don't want you boys to waste your talent. You shouldn't think about how much money you earn, it's not important, I just want you to find your love and passion again in your music. I don’t want you to feel lost anymore. I know you’ll just keep on searching for fulfilment without music in your lives. And I know you still love to do it."
"Dad it's not that simple..." I interjected.
"Believe me Taylor it is. Sure, there will always be prejudices and break down barriers, but you shouldn't care about them and only put focus on what's important to you. I'm sure you boys will reach new fans. There are still people out there which ain't prejudiced and you can even be more proud of having them. Don't hide your relationship in the public, they will find out again anyway. You have to learn to maintain a thick skin but I'm sure you can handle that. That's the only way for you to get happy again. I don’t want to think that after I’m gone, you will just continue your lives in stagnation since two years ago because you still don’t know what to do with it."
He paused again. None of us knew what to respond. We avoided talking about music for almost two years because it hurts too much. Even though we knew that each of us wished to play again. Ike already found his way back, we knew that he already did play a couple of solo shows on the East coast. I envied him. For Zachary and me, it was different. We’re the ones who gave up our careers and put shame to our family. Everyone's eyes were on us. So we wanted to be anywhere but in the spotlight. I didn't know where we could set a foot on to find a way back to a career that would probably never be considered as "a career" again.
"I have arranged a meeting next week for the formation of your new record label and I want you boys to go to that meeting and start your wonderful music again," he continued.
We were silent for a moment. How could we say no to our dad’s last deathbed wish? Besides, in all honesty, his deathbed wish was also our deepest wish. To finally start to make music again. The last two years were exactly what he just said. A waste of time. A waste of time for not making music. I couldn't believe that he even arranged a meeting for us and came up with the idea to create our own record label.
I felt a deep gratitude in my heart and I hoped he felt it when I reached out my hand and laid it above his and Zachary's.
"Do you promise you will start with your music again?" he asked with sincere eyes.
We looked up to him and squeezed our hands lightly.
"Yes" was all what Zac answered. It surprised me that he was the first one who complied. I was wondering if he really meant it but at the same time I felt guilty for still questioning him. At least on that score I knew my younger brother well enough. I knew he still longed to make music again as much as I did. Deep inside of us, there was still a burning desire to make music again. That has always been a part of us. It was in our blood I guess. I tried to convince myself to believe him and stopped questioning him.
My father sighed looking relieved and leaned back into his pillow. We held our hands together until we heard a quiet knocking at the door before my mother came in.
"Did they upset you?" she asked my Dad and he smiled a little and shook his head weakly.
"Mom do you want to be with him alone?" Isaac asked her and patted on the chair next to him.
"I'd appreciate if you would stay with me Ike...." she almost whispered and walked over to sat down next to him.
It was the first time in my life I saw her so broken and sad. Her voice sounded so defeated. I knew it must be hard for her not to cry in front of our dad, even though we all could see it at her ruddy eyes.
"FUCK! I gotta get out of here!" Zac yelled and we winced when he jumped off his chair so suddenly that it fell down and stormed out of the room. I was in shock and felt defenseless not having his comforting arm around me anymore all of a sudden. We heard a loud bang from the hall which sounded like a chair smashing against the wall or something similar. My mother bursted into tears and Ike wrapped his arm around her back again. My hands were shivering so I sat on them, not knowing what else to do.
"Taylor?" The weak throaty voice of my father brought me back to reality.
"Yeah Dad?"
"Please go after him. I know you want to."
I shook my head. He was right. I wanted to run after him but at the same time, I didn't. I hated Zac that he left me to face this decision. To choose between him and my father. I felt selfish that I couldn't stop thinking about him.
I couldn't go. These were precious moments that I couldn’t waste, and damn, that cold hearted asshole didn't even say goodbye.
"No, I will stay Dad."
Isaac looked up at me and I could see the accusing look in his eyes. "Don't make a scene in front of Dad and go Taylor. I will stay here with Mom." He patted her back when she started sobbing louder.
I was torn. Torn between my dying father and my brother. My younger brother that I loved more than anything...
"But..."
"Taylor, please just go." My father reassured me one more time.
I felt the tears running over my cheeks and dropping on my collared shirt.
I stood up and grabbed my father's hand again. "Really?" I asked under tears and he gave me a nod.
"Don't cry Tay, don't cry...." he whispered.
I leaned towards and clasped into his arms and hugged my father for the very last time.
He patted my head and I whined "I love you Dad. I'm sorry."
"I love you too Taylor. Don't be sorry. Say goodbye now."
He was the bravest person I've ever met in my life. I stared at him in disbelief. I still couldn’t accept the fact that he would die. My optimistic instinct was still wishing for some miracle to happen. God couldn't allow this. Dad had to live.
"I can't Dad..." I cried.
"Taylor, there's no need to be dramatic. Really." I sniffled and nodded eventually.
The acceptance about his own death in his eyes was something I could hardly handle. I wanted to ignore reality. I was mad. I was desperate. My feet got more weak when I stood up again and let go of his hand. He had done so much for us. And I would do everything for him to be not worried. I wanted to fulfill his death bed will.
I wiped my eyes with my sleeve and managed to say, "goodbye Dad. Thank you for everything." I wanted to go back to that room with my dad still breathing and still capable of talking with me, but I knew it was time to let him go.
I looked over to my Mom who cried in Isaac's arms. He lifted his hand to say goodbye. Her head was buried under her hair and Ike nodded showing his approval to me. I accepted reluctantly and walked slowly to the door when my Dad said his last words to me.
"Taylor?"
"Yeah?"
"Please tell Zac that I'm not mad at him ok?" Oh God. The look in my father's eyes made my eyes welled with new tears.
"Of course Dad, will do. Good...goodbye Dad." I croaked in a suppressed voice, unable to keep my composure one minute longer. I felt like I couldn't breathe anymore. Quietly I closed the door behind me after I walked out of his room. I felt so pathetic. I slumped down on the floor in a corner and began to sob heavily. It was kind of relieving that I was able to go out of that room, because I could finally burst into tears. This is how I usually release my sorrow. Sulk in a corner and cry up until to the last drop of my tears.
I didn't remember how long I sat there with my knees pulled up to my chest until no more tears came out of my eyes. I didn't remember how long I needed until I eventually stood up and walked out of the hospital to look for Zachary. I needed his comfort so bad.
Silently, I walked like a picture of misery as I searched for him, but I couldn’t find him anywhere.
His car was still at the parking lot and I found a piece of paper under the wiper.
Tay, sorry that I left. I couldn't deal with the situation anymore. I need time to think about everything. Please take the car home...
Love
-Zac
WTF? Who wrote this and what did he do with my brother??? was the first thought that came to my mind after reading the note. It felt strange to know that he couldn’t deal with the situation. I wasn't used to that. At all. I guess sometimes I actually thought Zachary could do everything.
I tossed the note away and got into the car. I felt numb and empty. My father was dying inside the hospital and I wasn't even able to find my brother. I sat there for a few minutes behind the wheel when the snow quietly began to fall.
It was only October and we already had the first snow.
Zachary would turn 18 and be fatherless.
Rating: NC-17
Genre: Zaylor / Hancest
Pairing: Zac & Taylor
About the story: Zac & Taylor's relationship broke up when they got caught kissing by the press and their career were over in a split of a second. To continue a normal life and to take a break from his brother, Taylor starts to study at a College in London but the long distance between them can't stop their feelings for each other.
The final Chapters of "And with each Mile" are written by us Team Zaylor girls because unfortunately the original author of this amazing story left the readers hanging and didn't continue the story after the last chapter you've read.
We decided to continue the story and write a few final chapters...
Enjoy & comment! ♥
Just a final note, please bear with our writing, we're not from an English speaking country.
Thanks to our new and 3rd Team Zaylor member for editing! :) ♥
I eventually fell into a comfortable routine living at Zachary’s and got back to living real life.
I arranged to have my things from London shipped home and wrote a letter to my old contacts in Europe, apologizing that I never returned. I wrote a long letter to Quinn, because she was a good friend to me, and I was a shitty friend just taking off without a word. It was weird to think that I might not ever see her again.
Zachary generally spent the days with me. We sleep late, eat and lay around watching movies and playing cards. Zachary’s a big card person although I don’t think that most people know that. He likes cards because he can prove how much smarter and more clever he is than you. He always wins. Almost every night he’d kick my ass at Rummy a few times, and then he’d fuck my ass a few more times in his bedroom.
Fuck. That was vulgar, especially for me, but I couldn’t resist the play on words.
The sex was very good though, consistent and comfortable, but in a rough passionate way- not comfortable in the way that your parents “make love” behind their bedroom door when the kids are asleep.
(end of original plot)
-----------------------------------
It was a phone call at 3am in the morning that woke me up. I groaned and nudged Zachary's arm, before even knowing what was going on, he grunted and turned his back away from me, which made me shiver for a moment. I wanted the disturbing ridiculous Simpsons theme sound of Zachary's phone to stop so I answered a groggy "yeah?" in the receiver.
I heard my mother's voice on the other line, she sounded very serious. "Taylor!" she said, not even asking or wondering why I was answering the call or why I was sleeping at my brother’s apartment, but I realized that wasn't the reason of her call.
I was awake in a matter of seconds and managed to quickly peel myself off the bed.
"Taylor, your Dad is going to die…” She sniffed and paused. "His doctor said he will probably have few more hours left." Suddenly, I felt how I lost the ground under my feet and my hands began to shiver.
I felt numb. I was pretty sure that there was a sharp pain that gripped my chest so tightly and the world came crashing over me in one fell swoop through that phone call...
I suddenly realized that apparently, neither of us didn’t take the information very seriously when we got the first call while we’re in Spain. And since he looked healthy and not totally sickly the last time we saw him, I tried to ignore the horrible fact that this very moment might come but not this soon!
Now that our Dad had only a few more hours to live, the past ran through my mind within seconds. Moments of our childhood popped into my head and I felt guilty that we didn't take the opportunity to spend more time with him when we had the chance.
"Taylor... your Dad wants to talk to you and Zac before…” She stopped, and I immediately understood what she meant. “Please hurry up and come to the St. Stevens Hospital as fast as you can. Ike is already here." I heard the sadness and despair in her voice and I didn't know what to say to make her feel better. "Sure Mom. We'll be there in a few," I responded before I hung up.
My heart was beating fast and I swayed a little when I stood up to wake up Zac. Honestly, I couldn't say if it was because of our numerous sexual activities last night or if I was just in shock.
We sat in Zachary's car a few minutes later. At first I wasn't sure if I would even manage to wake him up or how his reaction would be after his "I don't care" behaviour in the last days. He wasn't pleased that I woke him up but after he realized what was going on, he follwed me without comment which kinda scared me. Zac was rarely silent. Usually he spoke even in the most awkward situations but this time was different. We were on our way to see our father for the very last time.
I was trying to read his mind but he just remained composed while I was on the verge of breaking down. I thought about our childhood again and about the time in which we played with our Dad in the garden and when he built our collaborative tree house. I could feel how my eyes began to water and sniffed.
That was the moment when I felt Zachary's hand on mine and he squeezed it lightly. "Taylor, don't worry. I'm here," he said quietly. Even though it wasn't probably his biggest pleasure to comfort me, at least he was there for me at a point where I needed him the most like he had promised me.
I nodded and sniffed thankfully again while I tried to speed up and pushed against the gas pedal.
It didn’t take long until we arrived at the hospital, but it felt like a whole life time. Suddenly we drove through the years of our childhood and teenage years again. We barely paid attention to the pale light from the street lights and it felt as if we were driving through a dream world.
I even waited for the moment in which someone would tell me "hey daydreamer, time to wake up." But the strange pain in my chest let me know I wasn't dreaming. Signs of guilt came up in me again that I had wasted time. Time that I could have spent with our father when I had the opportunity. Instead I spent the time letting Zachary to fuck my brain out. It was too late.
"I wish I wouldn't have went to London. If only I would have spent the time here and visited dad more often. I feel so guilty."
"You couldn't know that Taylor. There's no need to feel guilty." He said simply.
I wiped my eyes with the back of my hand and wondered at the same time how Zac was still able to act so cold. But I guess everyone has another way of dealing with coming death. Until now he never had showed if the medical condition of our father interested him at all. At least he didn't seem to mind to comfort me for which I was grateful.
I laid my hand back in his again. Knowing that Zachary was there gave me the ability to keep calm. I silently prayed that we wouldn't arrive too late. I didn’t know how I could handle that. Feelings of guilt would probably stay forever.
I didn't like to admit that Zac's seriousness scared the fuck out of me, but I didn't say a single word because it wasn't the right time to think about. Besides that I was consumed with my own sorrow.
We hurried to the entrance a few minutes later and the dreamer in me was still waiting for anybody who would come to pinch my arm and wake me up. But nothing happened. Instead the weird smell of hospitals was greeting us and made my stomach tense up.
My teeth were chattering and Zachary gripped my cold hand more tightly. Even though he was silent the whole time, honestly, I might not be able to manage the car drive to the hospital safe if he hadn't been there.
We were still holding hands as we went into the hospital and found our mom in the hallway. The moment I saw her face, I immediately knew I wasn't dreaming. We were reunited with our family in one of the most horrible moments of our lives.
Isaac gave us a irritated look when he saw us coming running while holding hands but he didn't say a word about it. He didn't know yet Zac and I were together again. Well, actually we were never really apart. The years in which we weren't together we were just messing around and trying to deny that we still love each other. Neither of us didn't want to be forced to love someone else. Even though we tried it for a while. I guess we did it for the sake of our family. But failed miserably, both of us in his own way. Somehow, it actually had made our Love even stronger. Because now we knew even more how much we needed each other. I squeezed Zac's hand at the thought and he squeezed mine back.
"Taylor, Zac, it's about time!" Isaac greeted us, probably trying to ignore our intertwined hands.
This was not the right situation to discuss about our relationship.
"How is he?" I asked, feeling a lump in my throat as Zac let go of my hand.
Ike wrapped his arm around the back of our mom when she sobbed again.
"He is very weak," she cried. Zac stood silently at my side, his expression vacous. I had no idea how he remained so calm all the fucking time. In such moments he drove me crazy. I didn't know whether to slap him or to adore him. I chose the adoring part for my own good because his comfort was what helped me to feel not so guilty at least.
Suddenly, the swing door on the side opened and a tall man in a white coat came out of a room and walked over to us.
"The patient is only intermittently conscious. You can visit him now but please avoid stressing him out." He instructed us shortly.
We agreed and I felt tears again prickling in my eyes when I saw my mother’s desperation. I was glad she hugged us before we went inside the room in which our father was dying. Dying. The word itself freaked me out. This couldn't be happening! I cleared my throat and tried to act as calm as Zachary did. But deep down it killed me. I wanted to say goodbye. And I wanted to be anywhere but here.
"Where are the others?" I asked my mother, thinking of our younger siblings.
"At home. They were here the whole evening. They already said goodbye to your Dad. I didn't want them to stay here, and wait until…" she sobbed again and a tear fell in her handkerchief. "I'm going to wait here. Your Dad said he wants to speak with you guys alone. I will join in about 10 minutes." Her voice was broken and shivering.
"Are you sure you want to wait here?" Isaac asked worriedly.
She rubbed her nose with her handkerchief and nodded.
"Yes. Go inside guys... go inside and say goodbye. I don't think there is much more time left for us..."
She turned her back to us and we couldn't see her face anymore. Ike sighed and opened the door of our dad’s room. We followed him inside to the bed where our father was lying.
It was strange to see him lying there so weak and connected to machines. It has been only a few days ago since we saw him at home and he hadn't been looked sick. At least not at first sight. But now the difference was visible for everyone. Now he looked ten years older, his skin was pale and his eyes feeble. Our Dad was always a strong man. I couldn't even remember seeing him sick anytime in the past.
He smiled a little when he saw us hesitantly walking over to his bed, but it was a very weak smile. I was glad Ike was there with us. At least one normal son our Dad probably thought. If it would be just me and Zac, I guess I would have felt more guilty because of our relationship and also because surely, we disappointed him in all ways sons could disappoint their father. Two fucked up sons in love with each other. On top of that then we just left him. My actions weren't any better than Zachary's. I tried to ignore the nagging truth that he was dying while Zac just didn't care at all so far. We didn’t even come to visit him.
I wanted to hold onto Zachary and cling to him for strength. It was strange how the sudden serious situation tied us together again. When I looked over to my Dad I almost wanted to run away to erase the scene right in front of my eyes. He didn’t deserve this.
He was just fucking 52 years old and too young to die!
"Hey Dad," Ike said and took his hand, squeezing it lightly. We said hello to him as if it was the first time we saw him in years. I knew that blaming ourselves wasn’t necessary for the situation but I felt so bad for wasting so much of our time. I wondered if Zac still didn't give a shit and if he even regretted some of our mindless actions in the past at all. Somehow it was hard to believe my brother could actually be that careless.
"Thanks boys for coming," he said. Our Dad always said boys, even though Ike was already 21, we were still his boys.
"Dad you don't need to thank us. It's a matter of course." Ike still held his hand as if he was trying to keep him alive through the strength of his own hand.
Dad coughed and said in a throaty weak voice "Please sit down boys. I want to speak to the three of you." His eyes flicked to the chairs next to his bed and Zachary and I sat down on two chairs on the facing side. Our knees brushed slightly against each other and I rested my hands on my knee just like Zac did. My hand instinctively moved to reached out for his fingers but I stopped myself midway, not wanting my dad to watch his fucked up sons during his last minutes on earth.
He smiled a little again as he saw my intention. "You don't have to hide your relationship Taylor." He knew us better than everyone else though.
I blushed and shifted awkwardly, not sure what to respond.
"I'm sorry Dad," I eventually said quietly.
"For what?" He asked, his voice was weak and throathy.
"For everything you went through because of us. I... know we weren't the easiest sons to handle with." I somehow felt the need to apologize.
Isaac glanced over to us but I couldn't read if his expression was disgusted or accusing, I couldn’t tell what he was thinking of.
Dad shook his head. "Don't be sorry. You don't chose who you fall in love with. I know that the last years weren't exactly the easiest for you boys either. I just wanted to let you know that I'm probably the one who should be sorry..."
"Dad no-"
"Let me finish this Taylor.” He cut me off. “I want you boys to know that..." He paused. "If you really love each other, don't let the media or public put you down. Don't let them destroy your love, because it is all what's worth fighing for. I'm sorry that it took me three years to accept your relationship..." he paused again and breathed heavily.
I couldn't help but start to cry silently. I was surprised as Zachary leaned over to take Dad's other hand in his because it was the first reaction he showed since we arrived at the hospital. So the crazy bastard had feelings after all. I sighed relieved and since Dad told us we don't need to hide our relationship I dared to lean my head against Zac's shoulder. I needed his touch at that very moment so badly. He wrapped his free arm around my shoulder immediately and rested it there. His comfort made me feel a little bit better.
I still couldn't say how Zachary felt or what he was thinking, cause he didn't seem to care at all until yesterday evening. But he was here, comforted me and it was all that mattered for me.
Now that we were here sitting in front of our dying father who apologized to us even though we were the ones who ruined quasi everything for our relationship. All I knew was that, if I hadn't drop off the College in London and if Zachary didn’t beseech me to drop it off, I wouldn't be here now. I wouldn't sit here right now because I'd probably arrive too late or my mother wouldn't have said anything at all, thinking that they don’t want me to get worried while I was studying. And I felt even more thankful to Zac more than I ever felt before. I took his hand which was still resting on my shoulder, silently thanking God for sending me my protective younger brother.
Dad smiled again and glanced to Isaac. "I think it's time to tell you boys know about my last deathbed will..."
I winced when I heard Zac's upset voice all of a sudden.
"Don't say that Dad. You will get better!" I hadn't noticed yet that a tear rolled over Zac's cheek and I became frightened, it was scary to see Zac in a humiliating condition. I wasn't able to hide my tears anymore from that point on all the more. The coming death of our father seems suddenly more real from the moment Zachary finally showed some feelings. I instictively slung my arms around Zac's waist and sobbed quietly against his shoulder.
"Boys, death is natural. We all have to accept it," Dad almost whispered. His skin looked even paler than a few minutes ago. He kept talking, exerting all the last energies he had.
"Listen to me. I know that the media ruined your career two years ago, but I want you to know that I want you boys to start making music again together. Sure there is no record label which will offer you a record deal with your history. But you can put up your own record company. It doesn't matter if you can't reach the same success like during your younger years in the music industry. The scandal will never be completely erased, but you should give it a try anyway. I don't want you boys to waste your talent. You shouldn't think about how much money you earn, it's not important, I just want you to find your love and passion again in your music. I don’t want you to feel lost anymore. I know you’ll just keep on searching for fulfilment without music in your lives. And I know you still love to do it."
"Dad it's not that simple..." I interjected.
"Believe me Taylor it is. Sure, there will always be prejudices and break down barriers, but you shouldn't care about them and only put focus on what's important to you. I'm sure you boys will reach new fans. There are still people out there which ain't prejudiced and you can even be more proud of having them. Don't hide your relationship in the public, they will find out again anyway. You have to learn to maintain a thick skin but I'm sure you can handle that. That's the only way for you to get happy again. I don’t want to think that after I’m gone, you will just continue your lives in stagnation since two years ago because you still don’t know what to do with it."
He paused again. None of us knew what to respond. We avoided talking about music for almost two years because it hurts too much. Even though we knew that each of us wished to play again. Ike already found his way back, we knew that he already did play a couple of solo shows on the East coast. I envied him. For Zachary and me, it was different. We’re the ones who gave up our careers and put shame to our family. Everyone's eyes were on us. So we wanted to be anywhere but in the spotlight. I didn't know where we could set a foot on to find a way back to a career that would probably never be considered as "a career" again.
"I have arranged a meeting next week for the formation of your new record label and I want you boys to go to that meeting and start your wonderful music again," he continued.
We were silent for a moment. How could we say no to our dad’s last deathbed wish? Besides, in all honesty, his deathbed wish was also our deepest wish. To finally start to make music again. The last two years were exactly what he just said. A waste of time. A waste of time for not making music. I couldn't believe that he even arranged a meeting for us and came up with the idea to create our own record label.
I felt a deep gratitude in my heart and I hoped he felt it when I reached out my hand and laid it above his and Zachary's.
"Do you promise you will start with your music again?" he asked with sincere eyes.
We looked up to him and squeezed our hands lightly.
"Yes" was all what Zac answered. It surprised me that he was the first one who complied. I was wondering if he really meant it but at the same time I felt guilty for still questioning him. At least on that score I knew my younger brother well enough. I knew he still longed to make music again as much as I did. Deep inside of us, there was still a burning desire to make music again. That has always been a part of us. It was in our blood I guess. I tried to convince myself to believe him and stopped questioning him.
My father sighed looking relieved and leaned back into his pillow. We held our hands together until we heard a quiet knocking at the door before my mother came in.
"Did they upset you?" she asked my Dad and he smiled a little and shook his head weakly.
"Mom do you want to be with him alone?" Isaac asked her and patted on the chair next to him.
"I'd appreciate if you would stay with me Ike...." she almost whispered and walked over to sat down next to him.
It was the first time in my life I saw her so broken and sad. Her voice sounded so defeated. I knew it must be hard for her not to cry in front of our dad, even though we all could see it at her ruddy eyes.
"FUCK! I gotta get out of here!" Zac yelled and we winced when he jumped off his chair so suddenly that it fell down and stormed out of the room. I was in shock and felt defenseless not having his comforting arm around me anymore all of a sudden. We heard a loud bang from the hall which sounded like a chair smashing against the wall or something similar. My mother bursted into tears and Ike wrapped his arm around her back again. My hands were shivering so I sat on them, not knowing what else to do.
"Taylor?" The weak throaty voice of my father brought me back to reality.
"Yeah Dad?"
"Please go after him. I know you want to."
I shook my head. He was right. I wanted to run after him but at the same time, I didn't. I hated Zac that he left me to face this decision. To choose between him and my father. I felt selfish that I couldn't stop thinking about him.
I couldn't go. These were precious moments that I couldn’t waste, and damn, that cold hearted asshole didn't even say goodbye.
"No, I will stay Dad."
Isaac looked up at me and I could see the accusing look in his eyes. "Don't make a scene in front of Dad and go Taylor. I will stay here with Mom." He patted her back when she started sobbing louder.
I was torn. Torn between my dying father and my brother. My younger brother that I loved more than anything...
"But..."
"Taylor, please just go." My father reassured me one more time.
I felt the tears running over my cheeks and dropping on my collared shirt.
I stood up and grabbed my father's hand again. "Really?" I asked under tears and he gave me a nod.
"Don't cry Tay, don't cry...." he whispered.
I leaned towards and clasped into his arms and hugged my father for the very last time.
He patted my head and I whined "I love you Dad. I'm sorry."
"I love you too Taylor. Don't be sorry. Say goodbye now."
He was the bravest person I've ever met in my life. I stared at him in disbelief. I still couldn’t accept the fact that he would die. My optimistic instinct was still wishing for some miracle to happen. God couldn't allow this. Dad had to live.
"I can't Dad..." I cried.
"Taylor, there's no need to be dramatic. Really." I sniffled and nodded eventually.
The acceptance about his own death in his eyes was something I could hardly handle. I wanted to ignore reality. I was mad. I was desperate. My feet got more weak when I stood up again and let go of his hand. He had done so much for us. And I would do everything for him to be not worried. I wanted to fulfill his death bed will.
I wiped my eyes with my sleeve and managed to say, "goodbye Dad. Thank you for everything." I wanted to go back to that room with my dad still breathing and still capable of talking with me, but I knew it was time to let him go.
I looked over to my Mom who cried in Isaac's arms. He lifted his hand to say goodbye. Her head was buried under her hair and Ike nodded showing his approval to me. I accepted reluctantly and walked slowly to the door when my Dad said his last words to me.
"Taylor?"
"Yeah?"
"Please tell Zac that I'm not mad at him ok?" Oh God. The look in my father's eyes made my eyes welled with new tears.
"Of course Dad, will do. Good...goodbye Dad." I croaked in a suppressed voice, unable to keep my composure one minute longer. I felt like I couldn't breathe anymore. Quietly I closed the door behind me after I walked out of his room. I felt so pathetic. I slumped down on the floor in a corner and began to sob heavily. It was kind of relieving that I was able to go out of that room, because I could finally burst into tears. This is how I usually release my sorrow. Sulk in a corner and cry up until to the last drop of my tears.
I didn't remember how long I sat there with my knees pulled up to my chest until no more tears came out of my eyes. I didn't remember how long I needed until I eventually stood up and walked out of the hospital to look for Zachary. I needed his comfort so bad.
Silently, I walked like a picture of misery as I searched for him, but I couldn’t find him anywhere.
His car was still at the parking lot and I found a piece of paper under the wiper.
Tay, sorry that I left. I couldn't deal with the situation anymore. I need time to think about everything. Please take the car home...
Love
-Zac
WTF? Who wrote this and what did he do with my brother??? was the first thought that came to my mind after reading the note. It felt strange to know that he couldn’t deal with the situation. I wasn't used to that. At all. I guess sometimes I actually thought Zachary could do everything.
I tossed the note away and got into the car. I felt numb and empty. My father was dying inside the hospital and I wasn't even able to find my brother. I sat there for a few minutes behind the wheel when the snow quietly began to fall.
It was only October and we already had the first snow.
Zachary would turn 18 and be fatherless.