Been a long time...
It's been quite a long time since I have actually WRITTEN in here...but as I go through these confusing and hurtful times right now, I remember why I used to write in this journal so much. It helped me get my feelings out, let me set my feelings free. Didn't have anything bottled up inside of me, and helped me think more clearly. And I'm aproaching one of those times again, where I think this journal will most definately be a vital asset to get me through this shit I am currently having to experience.
As everyone knows, yes Barren and I are together blah blah, whatever. Doesn't feel like it. Yeah, the I love you's and all that stuff is nice..but like, why do I have to be ignored and shit. I mean honestly. Lets break this down. I fuckin will put anything to the side, to talk to you when you wanna talk to me. But yet, you tell me to stay home with you every night, or expect me to at least, and if I don't you get angry, acting like you would have actually been talking to me in the first place. I guess the only way to make you learn is to make myself unavaliable to you, maybe take those privledges away, of me just sitting here every night for you, but I am neglected. Either you are doing something, talkin to someone, but whatever the case may be, it is extremely obvious that pretty much everything that you could quite possibly be doing ranks higher on your priorites than me. Now, from what I know, I thought that a woman that you care for and love should be the most important thing to you. What you should cherish and never take for granted. A good woman that would do absoloutely anything for you, and you know it. But yet you take advantage of my good-hearted self and act as if I should act the way I do towards you even when you aren't treating me right. And as you have stated, and as I know, and as everyone knows..you mostly take advantage of me because you seem to think that I will never break up with you. I will never leave you. And you are sure right. You are everything to me, my entire heart, when I think of you my whole body lights up inside. You are the first I have loved, and hopefully the only I ever will. I believe when you tell me you love me, but I don't think you understand how much it hurts to hear those words and then receive actions that are nothing near what the word 'love' mean. Maybe that's the malfunction here. Maybe you are on a different type love then I am. Because I know you and everyone else know that the love I feel for you is completely breath taking. Everyone gets on me talking about I let you run me and whatever..yea. That's right. So what. But like, when I think about it. The man DOES wear the pants in the family, but like the woman is entitled to respect. Always respect. But I just don't think you understand how much it hurts for you to completely blow me off the entire night, and then expect everything to be just great. Cause that isn't how it works. I give you so much, can't you just give me something back instead of taking all the love I give you to and all you pretty much do is throw the 'i love you' around like you truly mean it? I'm not doubting that you love me. I am just questioning what the reasoning for treating me as if you do is. I would love to know. But the sad thing is, I don't think I ever will.
As everyone knows, yes Barren and I are together blah blah, whatever. Doesn't feel like it. Yeah, the I love you's and all that stuff is nice..but like, why do I have to be ignored and shit. I mean honestly. Lets break this down. I fuckin will put anything to the side, to talk to you when you wanna talk to me. But yet, you tell me to stay home with you every night, or expect me to at least, and if I don't you get angry, acting like you would have actually been talking to me in the first place. I guess the only way to make you learn is to make myself unavaliable to you, maybe take those privledges away, of me just sitting here every night for you, but I am neglected. Either you are doing something, talkin to someone, but whatever the case may be, it is extremely obvious that pretty much everything that you could quite possibly be doing ranks higher on your priorites than me. Now, from what I know, I thought that a woman that you care for and love should be the most important thing to you. What you should cherish and never take for granted. A good woman that would do absoloutely anything for you, and you know it. But yet you take advantage of my good-hearted self and act as if I should act the way I do towards you even when you aren't treating me right. And as you have stated, and as I know, and as everyone knows..you mostly take advantage of me because you seem to think that I will never break up with you. I will never leave you. And you are sure right. You are everything to me, my entire heart, when I think of you my whole body lights up inside. You are the first I have loved, and hopefully the only I ever will. I believe when you tell me you love me, but I don't think you understand how much it hurts to hear those words and then receive actions that are nothing near what the word 'love' mean. Maybe that's the malfunction here. Maybe you are on a different type love then I am. Because I know you and everyone else know that the love I feel for you is completely breath taking. Everyone gets on me talking about I let you run me and whatever..yea. That's right. So what. But like, when I think about it. The man DOES wear the pants in the family, but like the woman is entitled to respect. Always respect. But I just don't think you understand how much it hurts for you to completely blow me off the entire night, and then expect everything to be just great. Cause that isn't how it works. I give you so much, can't you just give me something back instead of taking all the love I give you to and all you pretty much do is throw the 'i love you' around like you truly mean it? I'm not doubting that you love me. I am just questioning what the reasoning for treating me as if you do is. I would love to know. But the sad thing is, I don't think I ever will.