Colorado Memories
Recently, in an effort to improve his approval rating within the Colorado Hockey Fan Community, Vancouver Canucks Winger Todd Bertuzzi sent us a letter. In his letter, Bertuzzi attempted to show Colorado hockey fans that he really isn't a bad guy, hoping that in writing, he can let the real Todd Bertuzzi shine through. Bertuzzi promised to send follow-up letters as needed. His latest letter, in it's entirety, follows:
Dear Colorado Avalanche Fans:
Here's hoping that my latest letter finds you in good health and welfare. I've been doing great lately - I even scored a hat trick the other night!
I'm hearing through the grapevine that despite my efforts, many fans in Colorado still don't like me. I understand that it will take some time, and I am willing to wait as long as it takes for you to accept me as the fine, upstanding human being that I am. You may not care much for me right now, but rest-assured, I love the state of Colorado, and everyone who lives there. I often vacation in Colorado during the off-season.
For instance, just a couple of years ago I had stolen a rental car from the Salt Lake City Airport. After switching license plates with a car I found sitting alone in long-term parking, I took my rental sedan and headed east on I-70.
Within a few hours, I found myself passing through the Vail area. Now, nobody loves Vail more than I do, so I decided to stay the night. First, I went to the liquor store inside the City Market and stole a couple big bottles of gin. Then I did some crystal meth and headed for my favorite hotel.
After arriving at the hotel, I checked myself in under the name Kobe Bryant, grabbed my gin, and headed upstairs to my room. Then I called the local escort agency and asked them to send over a hooker. Then I swigged a big gulp of gin, did some more meth, and took a shower. By the time I got out of the shower, the hooker was knocking on the door.
"That was fast," I thought to myself. I also thought she was kind of young, but hey, even hooker's have to start sometime. I asked her how she wanted to play it out, and she kept insisting she was an employee of the hotel. So it was going to be like that - I can't tell how many times over the years how many hookers have wanted to play the "rape the hotel employee" game. Personally, I'm kind of sick of playing it that way, but since she was obviously so new, if she wanted to play "rape the hooker" then "rape the hooker" it was going to be.
For someone so new to the escort game, she turned out to be pretty good. She put up a much better fight than most hookers who want to play it that way, and she even kept insisting she was an employee of the hotel the entire time. She was almost convincing with her tears - most people would have bought them as being genuine tears. However, she didn't realize she was dealing with an expert at fake tears. When judging fake tears, there is only one performance against which you can measure the quality of the fake tears. I'm talking, of course, about the false tears I shed during my fake public appology to Steve Marr. She was very good, but she just didn't measure up to my own performance.
I soon grew tired of her crying, so I finished the bottle of gin, did some more meth, grabbed my stuff, and left without paying for the room. I got back into my stolen rental car and headed toward Denver, drinking gin and doing meth the whole way.
My point is, friends, that I've had some pretty damn good times in the state of Colorado, and I hope to have more. And honestly, I hope to meet some of you and share those adventures with you.
That's about it for now, I'll keep writing. In the meantime, I wish nothing but good fortune for each and every one of you.
Your good friend,
Todd
Dear Colorado Avalanche Fans:
Here's hoping that my latest letter finds you in good health and welfare. I've been doing great lately - I even scored a hat trick the other night!
I'm hearing through the grapevine that despite my efforts, many fans in Colorado still don't like me. I understand that it will take some time, and I am willing to wait as long as it takes for you to accept me as the fine, upstanding human being that I am. You may not care much for me right now, but rest-assured, I love the state of Colorado, and everyone who lives there. I often vacation in Colorado during the off-season.
For instance, just a couple of years ago I had stolen a rental car from the Salt Lake City Airport. After switching license plates with a car I found sitting alone in long-term parking, I took my rental sedan and headed east on I-70.
Within a few hours, I found myself passing through the Vail area. Now, nobody loves Vail more than I do, so I decided to stay the night. First, I went to the liquor store inside the City Market and stole a couple big bottles of gin. Then I did some crystal meth and headed for my favorite hotel.
After arriving at the hotel, I checked myself in under the name Kobe Bryant, grabbed my gin, and headed upstairs to my room. Then I called the local escort agency and asked them to send over a hooker. Then I swigged a big gulp of gin, did some more meth, and took a shower. By the time I got out of the shower, the hooker was knocking on the door.
"That was fast," I thought to myself. I also thought she was kind of young, but hey, even hooker's have to start sometime. I asked her how she wanted to play it out, and she kept insisting she was an employee of the hotel. So it was going to be like that - I can't tell how many times over the years how many hookers have wanted to play the "rape the hotel employee" game. Personally, I'm kind of sick of playing it that way, but since she was obviously so new, if she wanted to play "rape the hooker" then "rape the hooker" it was going to be.
For someone so new to the escort game, she turned out to be pretty good. She put up a much better fight than most hookers who want to play it that way, and she even kept insisting she was an employee of the hotel the entire time. She was almost convincing with her tears - most people would have bought them as being genuine tears. However, she didn't realize she was dealing with an expert at fake tears. When judging fake tears, there is only one performance against which you can measure the quality of the fake tears. I'm talking, of course, about the false tears I shed during my fake public appology to Steve Marr. She was very good, but she just didn't measure up to my own performance.
I soon grew tired of her crying, so I finished the bottle of gin, did some more meth, grabbed my stuff, and left without paying for the room. I got back into my stolen rental car and headed toward Denver, drinking gin and doing meth the whole way.
My point is, friends, that I've had some pretty damn good times in the state of Colorado, and I hope to have more. And honestly, I hope to meet some of you and share those adventures with you.
That's about it for now, I'll keep writing. In the meantime, I wish nothing but good fortune for each and every one of you.
Your good friend,
Todd