(no subject)
I'm pretty sure I'm falling apart.
Last night was nice.
I (finally) burned Mike Howl's "Storys EP" onto a CD, even though he sent it to me like two months ago.
Today is awful.
& here's why:
My head is pounding, I'm nauseous, I didn't get enough sleep, all I've ate for the past two days was a large french fry from MacDonald's & a can of garbanzo beans.
& this is my morning:
I woke up and put on pants and put on a hoody and put on my uniform and put on socks and put my plume in my hat and put on my hat and put on my shoes but didn't put on my gloves because they're nowhere to be found.
I told my mom, "I'm opening the garage and going outside to wait for you."
My mom told my mom, "Oh, the dog's still outside."
I opened the garage and went outside.
Ten minutes later, my mom walks outside.
My mom told me, "Why the hell didn't you tell me you were waiting?"
I pick my battles, this wasn't one of them.
I told my mom, "Sorry, didn't even realize."
My mom told my mom, "Jesus fucking Christ.."
I got in the car and knocked my head off of my shoulders by hitting my plume on the ceiling of the car.
My mom was practically running the car on gas fumes.
We got gas, we went to the school, I walked the whole school in my marching shoes with the hard bottoms clicking on the floor and echoing through the empty hallways.
I found a janitor (finally) he opened the bandroom door & told me to have fun & be good.
I got to the parade that I didn't even want to go to an hour late.
I'm hungover and there's gas fumes soffocating me & there's loud music soffocating me & there's obnoxious laughing soffocating me & all I can think about is how I shouldn't have even gotten out of bed.
Same shit, new day.
Same shit, new day.
Same shit, new day.
I started my period in my favorite undies & I might have a yeast infection but I don't think I do anymore (which I don't understand, I'm pretty insane about the condition of my vagina & try to keep it immaculate).
The chain on the toilet came undone when I flushed, so I took the lid off to reattach it & my library book fell in the back of the toilet.
I broke down (see: screaming, crying, throwing things, hot shower in the upright-fetal position)
I took a really hot shower.
I took a really hot shower that was so hot I got goosebumps.
My mom yelled at me, "I can't afford for you to sit in the shower everytime you break down."
I hadn't showered in four days. One long shower is equal to four short ones.
I want to scream so loud, & for so long, that I don't even hear myself anymore & all that's left is the ache in my ribs & my heartbeat pounding in my ears.
I don't know if I want Panera or a big diner breakfast.
That's the way it goes some days, a fever comes at you without a warning & I can see it in your face: you've been waiting to break since you woke up this morning.
Mister Blue, don't hold your head so low that you can't see the sky.
Mister Blue, it ain't so long since you were flying high.