Survival Instinct - OTA

[angelica_jinx]

It is a truth universally acknowledged that a zombie in possession of brains must be in want of more brains. Never was the truth more plain than during the recent attacks at Netherfield Park, in which a household of eighteen was slaughted and consumed by the horde of the living dead.

"My dear Mr. Bennet," said his lady to him one day, "have you

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[angelica_jinx]

"So you don't believe in soul mates? Kindered spirits? I can't help it. I do. There have definitely been people in my life I instantly connected with. There was no rhyme or reason to it. We barely had to say 3 words to each other and BAM! Friendship. I just have to agree with Elizabeth Gilbert on this one. Someone like a soul mate who knows you that well acts like a mirror showing you yourself in a way that maybe you never thought before. It can be painful but honest and it helps you grow as a person. But being with someone like that all the time would be impossible without growing to hate each other as much as you love them. It's funny. I know that to be true but even as I'm saying it, like every other girl on the planet, I still want someone who wants to know me that well. Someone who will let me know them, all of them. Mirror or not, painful or not, I want to believe there is someone out there who has loved me my whole life. They've just been waiting to meet me. Someone who wouldn't leave."

Angel had to stop herself before she opened up a whole new can of worms with her abandonment issues.

[codenamepyro]

"Sure, I could believe in it," and really he could, "but there are over six billion people on Earth. And only one of them is for you? It's a little depressing considering the span of the Earth and the likelihood of you meeting that one person out of all those others. So, I'm more inclined to think that there are certain people, certain types, that click and they just fit."

St John had his own abandonment issues, self worth and the whole 'Daddy never cared' thing, not to mention the mother he never even met beyond having been born, he was sure. So he could always understand, even if he wouldn't vocalise it. Ever.

"I'd rather believe that there was more than just one person. Maybe a handful, that could do that for you. Y'know?" And really, the conversation was straying into the dangerously open direction.

[angelica_jinx]

"I can see why you would think that way when you don't believe in a Creator. I don't believe things happen by accident. I think if God made two people in the world perfectly suited then he would give us ways to find each other but there is still free will. We can choose whatever path we want. Some people are lucky. They chose the straight shot or the winding path but still end up together. The rest of us find happiness where we can. There's nothing wrong with that. Love in any capacity is amazing. I guess..."

She sighed. "I guess I'm just looking for a guarantee. Like if maybe we we're destined to be together then I don't have to wonder where I stand or if it's one sided. I'd just know."

[codenamepyro]

Remaining silent for a while, St John just nodded. Destiny sort of sucked in his opinion. All that fate crap and star crossed lovers stuff, it belonged in books, not reality. Sometimes he was a realist, sometimes he was a pessimist, but he was never a fatalist.

"Yeah, well, life is fucked up."

He was making a point in keeping himself from ranting, she likely didn't need to hear his views on God and he really didn't want to just blow up at her. Things were calm, he was behaving like Sykes wanted and none of his lighters had been confiscated over the last week. Losing his cool with Angel -who was pretty nice and sweet all things considered, was not going to win any brownie points.

[angelica_jinx]

She could tell he didn't believe any of what she was saying. Angel wasn't really surprised. Not too many people did aside from teenage girls. Maybe it was childish. After everything she'd been through, maybe it was time for her to put such childish beliefs to rest but... she just couldn't. Every time she looked at the stars, she wondered if there wasn't someone looking at them too dreaming of her.

"I think life is what we make it." Her voice grew softer. She knew he probably thought she was a flake or immature or maybe just stupid. And maybe she should have just nodded in quiet agreement but she couldn't. Horrible, terrible things had a way of happening. People used you. People died. People even just decided you weren't worth loving anymore. But love was real. Hope was real. And good things did happen if you kept your eyes and heart open to it.

[codenamepyro]

Maybe he was just overly jaded. Maybe he was just too much of a pessimist to really accept her way of thinking. It wasn't that he'd call it immature -although it was the sort of thing he'd expect from teenagers, but maybe a little bit naive. Then again, maybe she just wasn't as utterly screwed over as he figured he was.

"Sure, I guess." He was closing up because really the conversation was definitely swaying somewhere close to something he really wasn't about to go into. The whole subject matter was starting to bother him and while he'd have been completely happy talking about literature -even movies or plays, he wasn't so good when things got as far as beliefs and then 'life'.

She might believe in hope and love and keeping your heart open, but St John had shaken off those things when he was still in his early teens.

[angelica_jinx]

Angel wasn't an empath but she didn't need to be one to know he was shutting down. His tone of voice and body language practically screamed for her to let it go. So she did. She didn't want to beat him over the head with what she believed any more than he wanted to be beaten.

Besides, being a pessimist in this group was practically the standard. Angel was odd in her optimism. It took work and a healthy dose of denial in a lot of cases just to hold on to it after everything they saw and did. She was diligent in her pursuit to find the good and hope for the best making most people on this team either take her less seriously as a team mate or resent her childish endeavors.

"So you never told me what your favorite romantic story was?"

[codenamepyro]

Normally, he'd have cut and run when the subject had gotten a little tense. He'd have made a blithe remark and walked away and probably avoided her for a few weeks; which wasn't exactly hard considering he could avoid just about everyone. He really must've been missing conversation if he'd stuck around anyway.

Frowning slightly, trying to think of which romance he'd call his favourite, St John got just a little self-conscious, "Probably 'Ramona' or 'Rebecca'. Not exactly typical but, I guess they just stuck out." Ramona had been his pillow when he'd slept in the library one winter. When insomnia struck he'd given up and read it. Instead of sending him to sleep he spent three days finishing it.

"Rebecca might not be a romance novel so much as a tragic horror slash suspense slash mystery with romance as an undertone, but," he shrugged lightly. He liked it either way.

[angelica_jinx]

Her eyebrows hit her hairline. "Ramona? Really? I mean it was really romantic when she ran off with Alessandro but it was so sad watching him slowly go crazy then get shot. Felipe was sweet after but she kind of lost hope. She didn't believe she'd ever find passionate love again.

Maybe that's what I like. I like the soft quiet kind of love but as a person that's been quiet most of my life, what I really want is passion. Something loud and rash with all the potential to burn up."

Angel chuckled and shook her head. "Oh well, it's not any more bizarre than your views on love. You only like if someone is going crazy or getting shot."

[codenamepyro]

He grinned, actually grinned full out at her assessment. But yeah, that was sort of why he liked it. "Love doesn't always have to be about passion I guess. I mean, she went through a lot and she still managed to come out of it, sort of happy and with someone and Felipe might've been just what she needed after Alessandro went off the deep end."

But her want for passion and fire and all that romance, yeah, he could see the allure of it. He just didn't believe it ever lasted. Just like an actual flame; the oxygen ran out eventually, the flame flickered and died. You couldn't sustain and inferno indefinitely.

"Not only, I like Jane Eyre and Emma just as much, but I guess I just believe more in the tumultuous affairs of things."

[angelica_jinx]

"Said like a guy whose obviously loved and lost but I've never loved at all. Not that all consuming on fire kind of love anyway. Maybe some people just aren't meant for it. I mean I've dated some passionate men. They just didn't get passionate about me and that's fine I guess. But I don't think I could ever settle for Felipe if I've never had my Alessandro." She replied with a smile.

"Oh I love Emma. Such a great story but another one that most guys don't get into. You are just one surprise after another."

[codenamepyro]

Thinking on it, St John wasn't sure he'd ever loved at all never mind lost it. Friends, sure. But that 'passion' she was claiming. Nope, he'd never ever had that. "I guess it's sort of like getting something you really crave and want, and then getting your second choice or something." Not that he had anything to compare it to.

"I'm a conundrum." As far as literature went, St John's tastes were very much in the classical set; he liked the tone of those novels, he liked the sense they all carried. Even if they were seen as 'chic lit'. "Emma is a pretty good depiction of the heroine not having a clue at all. And most of the time you kind of want to shake her, but in the end," he shrugged lightly, "well, it's Austen. Happy endings and weddings are her thing."

[angelica_jinx]

"Exactly. It's like really really wanting chocolate and getting caramel instead. It's still sweet, very filling but even after you are full that craving is still there." She agreed.

"You really are!" She laughed. "She was clueless but we get to see her grow up. Even at her most bratty and least likable you still want to like her so when she redeems herself you can't help but hope things will work out for her. You want her to get the guy. You want that wedding and happy ending. She had to work for it."

[codenamepyro]

"Yeah, probably something like that." It was probably nothing he'd ever worry about personally. None of that stuff really bothered him if he was painfully honest; he tended to take what he could and just deal.

"You ever noticed how that happens with Austen? You tend to hate something about the story until near the end and then you're so invested in it that you really get pissed off if things don't go how you'd like." He'd discovered that while reading Mansfield Park, and frankly he'd never been so annoyed at a book before in his life. "I think I knew someone like Emma. Once. But I can't really remember."

[angelica_jinx]

He agreed but there was something about the way he said it that made Angel shake her head. She'd let the subject drop.

"Ugh. Like Persuasion? She loved Wentworth. She really did. Anne never should have let her family talk her out of the engagement just because he was poor. I just wanted to shake her. Thank god she saw through Elliot. I think it's kind of amazing how she can rope her readers in like that. I guess that's partly why I love her so much. It was such a waste that she died so young. Can you imagine the works she might have come up with if she'd lived longer?"

[codenamepyro]

"She's pretty good had handling issues. I mean even way back, you're looking at the early eighteen hundreds and you still get the sense of every day concepts. Probably why they're so popular." He's so much more comfortable just talking about books, even if it was completely against any sort of image he had.

"Yeah, you understand why Wentworth felt like he did, but Anne really shouldn't have caved to her family. Peer pressure and all the like. Back then, money was pretty important."