Goodbyes (log)
Jean:
Logan might have been able to keep her out of his mind now, but that didn't mean other people could. As she was leaving, an MP's mind echoed that Logan was in the brig. For beating up the 'one with all the watches'. Jean stared at the door, determined to slip out, not give Logan an option of keeping her there. She was no good for him, and this proved it.
He might have had issues with Martini in the past, but this... This had to be directly correlated to the information she'd given him about what Martini had done to her. She chewed her lip for a moment before she changed directions. She swung back by her door, still psychically camouflaged from passing eyes, grabbing the note she'd left for him.
Her steps were quick, and she slid between guards as she took quiet steps. It was a lot of focus for a distracted mind, but Jean needed to get there. She needed to see Logan. She needed to say goodbye to him, make sure he knew she really did love him, despite her own bullshit.
When she was in the narrow hall, moving between the open, empty cells, she walked flat, her feet making small sounds on the cement floor. Her mind reached out, distracting the guards who might have been watching on the closed circuit camera, keeping their attention away and on each other. She fought against the desire to simply render them permanently useless to their post, and instead, she focused on opening the lock on the one closed cell. The mechanism clicked, and she pulled open the door, stepping into the cell.
"Hey," she said in a sad, slightly broken voice.
Logan:
Sitting in his cell, Logan hung his head a little. He hadn't moved much the whole time he'd been in there - not after finding a position where the shackles didn't get in his way too much. He'd brought this upon himself. He deserved it, and he knew it. Part of him was glad. The way he'd been feeling, something bad had been about to happen, but he couldn't do any more damage in here. And being here meant he didn't have to avoid Jean, could stop thinking about her so much.
Well, he could try.
Predictably, he didn't last long, and when he smelled the first trace of her, he thought it might just be his imagination at first. Until she simply opened the lock and walked into his cell.
Part of him was happy to see her, regardless of everything else, but mostly he was confused. What was she doing here - why did she come in? Was she planning to spring him? That probably wasn't a good idea... And what was with the bag she was carrying?
"Hey," he replied, looking up at her. His confusion would be obvious, as was the fact that he cared about her a great deal; even now, he was more worried about her than about himself. The doubts he had about her didn't seem as important when he was around her. It was probably one of the reasons he'd taken to avoiding her.
Jean:
She let her bag slip from her shoulder, resting it by the door as she pulled the cell closed behind her. Jean sighed heavily, then moved toward him, crouching in front of him. She wrapped her arms around her legs and let her chin rest on her knee, frowning, her expression concerned.
It was like the conscience part of her had bled in, but wasn't strictly in control. It was strange; the desire to fuck with people was still there, but something was stopping her. She felt. And right then, she felt the weight of what she'd done to Logan, and wanted to break away from him, before she broke him completely. While part of her wanted to remove the shackles from his wrists, take him back to her room, let the world fall away... She knew she couldn't do that.
It would be better this way; at least for him. "I'm leaving, Logan." Her voice had a finality to it, but still, her heart squeezed even as she said it. "But before I go, I have to be honest with you. For once." There was a shakiness to her voice, and she bit her lip.
"I'm not what you think I am. There is only one part of me that's real, and that part is what I am when I'm with you. The rest of it... The rest of it is all a lie."
Logan:
His jaw went slack as Jean declared she was leaving. She didn't mean -... She couldn't mean what he thought she meant.
"What are you saying?" His brow knit together as he struggled to understand. This wasn't making sense - none of it was. But even if he didn't understand exactly what she meant, he knew that it was bad. Her voice, her behavior... She wasn't playing around.
Desperate to make sense of it all, he went back to the first thing she'd said, the only thing he thought he understood - though he wished he didn't. "You're leaving?"
Jean:
Her eyes fell to the floor at his question, and she nodded. "I'm leaving," she confirmed, looking up at him and feeling her stomach flip at the look on his face. "I can't stay here, Logan. I've fucked everything up, including us... And we were the one thing I had here that I hadn't fucked up... But I had fucked it up, because it was all lies." Her arms tightened around her legs, and she took a deep breath.
"Remember when we first met? I told you to get away from me? That was the best advice I could've given you." Her voice wasn't as strong as she needed it to be. "This is going to sound like bullshit, but... I'm sort of two people. Was... I don't know." She looked away from him again, twisting her fingers hard together. "Most of the time, I'm a sociopath. Flat out. I do what I want to to entertain myself, and damn the consequences... Others, like when you first saw me, or when Martini forced me into that loop... I feel the guilt for everything I've ever done... Since falling in love with you? It's all started bleeding together."
Jean sighed. "It doesn't make up for what I've done. And I've done some horrible things here, Logan."
Logan:
"So have I," he stated emphatically, trying to stop her feeling guilty, stop her talking. As much as the doubting had been tearing him apart, now that it came down to it, he wasn't sure he wanted to know the truth - or at least not every detail. He had chosen her; he had chosen to believe her over Victor. It wasn't something he could undo, and he didn't want to undo it. He loved Jean, even if she was maybe not quite who he'd thought she was. He tended to see the women he got serious with as a little better than they were. He knew that. But a sociopath - Jean? No... No, she couldn't be.
"You're not a bad person, Jeannie. I know you." His eyes stayed locked with hers, his scowl set, determined. Maybe it was what he wanted to believe. But no matter what she'd done, everything they'd had together hadn't been a lie. He was sure of that. No matter what she'd done, nothing could take that away from him.
Jean:
Her expression turned pained, and she moved into him, her hand cupping his cheek. "Logan, listen to me. You have to know that I really do love you. I really do. To the point that it hurts. And you know that part of me. But you don't know me. I haven't let you know me. I'm a liar, and I'm a manipulator."
Her eyes clouded over, her vision blurred with tears. She had to tell him. She had to tell him everything. "When you stabbed me? I made you do that. When we were attacked in that alley? That was me. You fucked me because I manipulated you into it, inside your head. Who knows? Maybe you don't even really love me..." She let out a sob at the idea of that, then took in a deep breath. "I framed Victor. I killed people. I've done a lot of shit here, to manipulate people. For my own entertainment. I erased Manuel and Allison's memories, then gave them back because Manuel wouldn't fuck with Ric, because Ric was talking too damned much and people might've started to listen. And they should. They should listen to every word, because he's not wrong."
Her voice was a quiet mutter, but every word rang clear. "Then I fell in love with you. When Martini attacked me, and you took care of me... I fell in love with you. Totally. And something just broke. I had to keep up the lies until everything ran it's course. And now you're hurting, and I just... I can't stay here and keep hurting you." Jean withdrew her hand from his cheek, wrapping her arms around her knees again.
"I love you, but I'll break you into so many pieces... It's better that I go now, while you can still salvage something with your brother." She looked away from him again, moving back with small shuffles of her feet.
Logan:
Logan was listening to everything Jean was telling him, but it was slow to sink in. Everything he knew about her contradicted it, said she couldn't be telling him the truth - and at the same time, he knew she wasn't lying, knew it with the same certainty as he knew his feelings for her. He closed his eyes and shook his head once, as if that would suddenly cause all the pieces of the puzzle to fall together. "You made me -..." He exhaled sharply, trying to stay calm and think all this over. That she'd made him stab her, he just didn't understand; that she made him fuck her... that didn't sit right with him at all, even apart from the fact that he'd been with someone else at the time. And Victor - oh, God, Victor...
"You wanted it. With Victor. You wanted him."
His voice was hollow, empty, the pain clear in his eyes, no matter how much he tried to hide what he was feeling. Logan had made the mistake of his life, cutting all ties with his brother the way he had. He had failed Victor, and he was painfully aware of it. But that was his fault, not Jean's. That she had chosen to fuck his brother when Logan had thought they had something special together, though, that was where she had wronged him, and it hurt.
Jean:
She wanted to explain, she wanted to make it all better, smooth it over, make him not look at her with that pain so clear in his eyes. But she couldn't. If she could break his heart now, make him not want her anymore... So be it.
"I didn't want him, but I wanted to fuck with him. Yes." She hadn't wanted Victor for a long time, but what she could do to destroy his life with his own mistakes? That was what she'd wanted. It was already lined up for her. She just had to be the victim. She wasn't going to deny her part in it anymore. It didn't matter who knew.
"I'm sorry, Logan. I didn't..." She couldn't say she didn't know. She knew damned well how Logan would respond. She couldn't say she didn't mean to. She'd meant to. Her eyes avoided his for a long moment, then she looked at him. "I'm sorry I've hurt you. I didn't want to." That was true, even if he didn't believe it. She might have started off wanting to mess with him, but it hadn't ended up that way.
"I do love you." She reached over and grabbed the letter she'd written him off her bag, sliding it across the floor until it was within his reach, if he wanted it. "I understand if you don't believe me, but I do love you." Jean bit her lip hard, until pain radiated across every inch of it before she looked up at him. Her eyes were broken, sad, her own pain written in them clearly.
Logan:
His eyes drifted down to the floor as she spoke, the furrow between his brows deepening as he tried to process the overload of information. The letter appearing in his line of vision snapped him out of it, and, after glancing up at Jean in an unspoken question, he reached for it, sliding it the rest of the distance towards him. He didn't pick it up, didn't read it - not yet. He had too much to think about already. But if it was something she wanted him to have... he accepted it.
He opened his mouth to say he loved her too, but couldn't do it. It was the truth - in spite of everything, he still loved her - but he needed time. Time to think about this, deal with it... maybe see if he couldn't fix some of it. Jean would have to confess that she'd lied about Victor, and deal with whatever punishment Stryker deemed fit. That would absolve her, more or less. Most of the other mindfucking she'd done hadn't seemed to lead anywhere, except for what she'd done to Logan. She'd apologised for that, said that she loved him, and he believed her. He just needed some time. Everything would be fine again eventually. It had to be. The thought of her leaving, not giving them that chance, hurt more than the knowledge of the horrible things she'd done. The bond they had was more important than the pain she'd caused him.
Logan let go of the letter, and looked up at Jean, his expression serious. "I don't want you to go." He knew her mind was made up, and hell, maybe part of him was willing to accept that it was the right thing to do. But the few bonds Logan formed, he took very seriously, and if Jean simply walked out of his life, she'd be taking a large chunk of him with her. If she had to go, he needed a promise that she would return, or let him know where she was so he could follow. He couldn't let go.
Jean:
She watched his hand, watched his fingers move over the envelope. Her eyes burned and she pressed her lips into a thin line at his words, her resolve wavering. He was the only thing that could keep her there, but she had to leave for him. It was the only way she'd keep from just destroying him.
It was without thinking that she moved into him, wrapping her arms around his shoulders and burying her face into his neck. Tears broke from her eyes, and she held onto him. "I have to, Logan." Her voice shook. "I don't want to leave you, but... It's better for you. Trust me. I'm no good for you, not like this."
Her body pressed in on his, the need to be close to him winning out for now.
Logan:
He put his arms around Jean until the chains stopped them from going any further, and he told himself it was that, not his worries, that kept him from losing himself in her touch. Closing his eyes, he breathed in her scent, hating that faint tingle of despair in it, but trying to imprint it on his mind anyway. He needed everything he could get to hold on to.
"So come back," he whispered, her hair brushing against his lips as he turned his face towards her, trying to look at her. "If you have to go, go. But come back."
Jean:
Jean pulled back to look at him, lasting only a moment before her eyes closed and her head dipped forward, letting her forehead rest against his. His words tugged at her, made her want to figure out how to make that work. But she had no idea how she possibly could come back.
She let out a shaking sigh, circling her arms around his shoulders, her hands clasped at the back of his neck. Her head shook slightly. "I don't know that I can, Logan. I don't think I'll be welcome... " She paused for a long moment, leaning back a little and catching his eyes with hers. "I don't want this to be the end of us, Logan. But I don't want to hurt you any more than I already have, either."
Leaning in slightly, she pressed a kiss to his cheek. "I'm sorry I can't be more of what you deserve."
Logan:
When it began to sink in that Jean was really going to leave, fear and doubt were slowly replaced by frustration, bordering on anger. What he deserved? What the hell was that supposed to mean? She knew he wanted her. Goddammit, she knew he needed her! If she really loved him, she would stay, or promise to return - give him something.
As Jean pulled back after her kiss, Logan's eyes hardened. That was what she was leaving him with? A peck on the cheek, and then goodbye? It couldn't end like this. He refused to let her end it like this!
"Who gives a shit about whether you're welcome?" His scowl was one of anger now - anger and disbelief. "I want you!"
Wasn't that enough? If she cared about him at all, it had to be enough. What other people thought hadn't meant anything to him - still didn't. If she thought everyone else's opinion mattered more than his... then maybe she should leave.
Jean:
It hurt, feeling him physically withdraw in her arms. She looked at him for a moment, feeling that resolve to disappear weaken. Swallowing back more tears that wanted to come, Jean shifted away from him. "I know. I want you too." But she didn't deserve him. He was good; she was not.
He deserved so much better, so much more.
"It's not fair to ask you to wait for me, Logan. If I do come back, you don't know things would be the same between us." Her voice held less of the staunch determination that it had before. She needed to leave. She might not have wanted to; she might have wanted to stay for Logan, but that was bad for him. How could she tear him to pieces by staying and still tell herself she loved him?
"I understand if you hate me Logan. I'm so sorry."
Logan:
"Bullshit."
The vehemence with which he spat the word surprised him, and he looked away, frowning hard to try and disguise his embarrassment, his pain. If she wanted to go, she wanted to go. That was her choice. But saying she wanted him when she was planning to leave him? That made no sense. It made no sense, goddammit, and he refused to try and figure it out. There was nothing to figure out. If she loved him, she'd stay. If she left, she couldn't possibly love him.
So he kept a woman who loved him, whom he loved in return, or he lost someone who didn't love him anyway - someone who had manipulated him and gone to great lengths to drag his brother through the dirt. Either way, he should be glad.
He tried very hard to convince himself it was that simple.
Jean:
She flinched at his word, drawing back even further until her back met the cell wall. She had to move away, or she would've moved forward and wrapped herself around him again. She would've opened the shackles and convinced him to leave with her.
No, it was better that he was angry. It hurt; that was new. She wasn't used to being hurt. She was used to lashing out. She was used to being the one inflicting the pain. Jean was a sadist, not a masochist. She didn't like the pain. But for once, she was glad to be feeling it. It proved that maybe, somewhere, some part of her could deserve Logan's love.
Her palm pressed into her heart as tears broke down over her cheeks. "I understand you don't believe me, Logan. I haven't earned your trust. But I do love you. I will always love you. And I'm sorry." She bit her lip, then brought her eyes to his face, studying him. She had to memorize his face.
Logan:
It took all his strength not to crumble when he saw her in tears like that, the whole thing far too reminiscent of the times she'd broken down before. He'd helped her every time, stood by her and did what he could. He couldn't help her now. This was her own doing. She was doing this to him. If it was hurting her so bad, all she had to do was stay. It was as simple as that - it had to be. He refused to accept any of that 'for your own good' crap. He'd be the judge of what was best for him.
Clenching his jaw, he stared at her, not speaking, not trusting himself to. He wasn't sure what he'd say. Pure stubbornness saw him through without (in his mind, at least) the least sign of weakness as he waited for her move, hoping against hope that she'd see reason and stay.
She didn't. After she'd studied him for a while - what she wanted from him, he grumbled to himself, he couldn't imagine - she turned to leave. Panic struck.
"Wait!"
Logan scrambled to his feet, wanting to grab her, to stop her, but the chains barely allowed him to stand. Having shouted that single word, he didn't know what more to say. She knew he loved her. He'd already all but begged her to stay. So he just stood there, breathing hard, with no clue what to do, hoping that, somehow, everything would still turn out OK.
Jean:
She knew she had to go. She had to leave and let him mourn her leaving, let him get over her in his own time, without her there. It was all Jean could think of to do. It would hurt, and while that was reassuring at the same time as soul-crushing, she could deal with it.
She hoped.
Swallowing back the tears that wanted to break over her, Jean stood up, headed for her bag. She'd barely taken a step when he got to his own feet. She winced, looking back at him over her shoulder. Jean stepped to the side and rushed in on him, her lips finding his as her arms circled his neck. She poured every bit of love and hurt into that kiss, desperate and hungry and hard. It hurt, all of it, but she needed it in that moment.
"I love you," she whispered against his mouth, pulling back to look into his eyes for a brief moment before she pulled away once more, taking long strides. She grabbed her bag and slung it over her shoulder as a sob broke free from her, then she headed to the door. Jean paused there, her shoulders shuddering with tears. "I'll miss you."
Logan:
Wanting, needing to put his arms around her too, Logan yanked at the chains once, even though he knew damn well they wouldn't give. He settled for leaning in as hard as he could, kissing her back just as desperately as she kissed him. It should have been reassuring - he wanted it to be reassuring. It wasn't. This was goodbye, and he knew it. He knew it now. But that didn't make it any easier.
"Love you," he echoed, so softly that he wasn't sure if he'd said it or just thought it. Her warmth, her scent - her presence was like a lifeline to him, and when the comforting pressure of her body against his disappeared, he struggled for breath. This was it.
There were a thousand things he wanted to say but didn't, couldn't. She wanted to leave, and, like an idiot, he let her, watching her walk away, studying her every curve, her every movement, needing that to hold on to, though he knew damn well it wouldn't make a bit of difference when she was gone. She was going. She was leaving. He knew it, but he couldn't accept it. Even knowing it, he couldn't accept it. He couldn't imagine what his life would be like with her gone.
Jean closed the cell door behind her and Logan gasped, his lips trembling. Something... There had to be something he could do. He wanted to call after her again, to shout her name, but his voice caught in his throat - and then, just like that, the final surge of denial, so desperately clung to, was gone, leaving him heavy and empty in the certainty of his loss. All strength disappeared from him, and he fell to his knees, tears welling up in his eyes.
As he hung his head, his gaze fell on Jean's letter, already almost forgotten. Blinking his tears away, he settled down to read it.