and i thought my walls were crumbling
actually its not as bad as that although i do feel as though all of my carefully laid plans are starting to unravel and i have no way of fixing the disintegration of form.
as a result of terribly bad judgement Divine and i are no longer together. just when i was starting to tell myself to back away from the possibility of ever having a future with this woman, all possibility has been dessimated. and i have only myself to blame. im a bit lost to tell you the truth. i have been making decisions to set up my life these past couple of months, but it was always with Divine's life intertwined with mine on the side, so to speak. I always made secondary plans for the "US" future. so even though i have made these plans for me, now that there is no longer an "us", i feel hollow and not as excited about my future.
fuck it. as i write this im crying for the first time. fuckfuckfuck.
i dont want to be alone my whole life but i keep doing things to ensure that will be the reality.
i need to see my shrink and i cant afford her.
and now my sounding board is out of my life and who do i confide in now?
but this is not what i wanted to write about.
last night i spoke to my cousin M and he told me he and his 6yr rel was over and that he was moving from Perth to Adelaide to be with his brothers and also his mum.
A is my favourite aunt and he told me that her 2nd marriage of 13yrs is ending and she is also leaving WA to be with her mum, sister and sons. its knocked me about pretty hard. i tried calling her this morning to lend her my support but her mobile was switched off.
This is a woman who has fought breast cancer twice (ending with a double mastectomy); battled with cervical and ovarian cancer and P has stood by her this whole time. i think maybe she pushed him away now that she feels "deformed" (her words), but he's italian and doesnt often speak about his feelings. so M got the impression that it has been a slow disintegration and neither one of them let on to anyone. unless she spoke to her sisters and they didnt let on to us "kids".
im hurting and i dont feel i have a right to be.
i feel selfish crying about this.
or am i really crying because after all my hard work on my character i still have nothing.
after all her struggle she's back to square one.
sorry cant write anymore
as a result of terribly bad judgement Divine and i are no longer together. just when i was starting to tell myself to back away from the possibility of ever having a future with this woman, all possibility has been dessimated. and i have only myself to blame. im a bit lost to tell you the truth. i have been making decisions to set up my life these past couple of months, but it was always with Divine's life intertwined with mine on the side, so to speak. I always made secondary plans for the "US" future. so even though i have made these plans for me, now that there is no longer an "us", i feel hollow and not as excited about my future.
fuck it. as i write this im crying for the first time. fuckfuckfuck.
i dont want to be alone my whole life but i keep doing things to ensure that will be the reality.
i need to see my shrink and i cant afford her.
and now my sounding board is out of my life and who do i confide in now?
but this is not what i wanted to write about.
last night i spoke to my cousin M and he told me he and his 6yr rel was over and that he was moving from Perth to Adelaide to be with his brothers and also his mum.
A is my favourite aunt and he told me that her 2nd marriage of 13yrs is ending and she is also leaving WA to be with her mum, sister and sons. its knocked me about pretty hard. i tried calling her this morning to lend her my support but her mobile was switched off.
This is a woman who has fought breast cancer twice (ending with a double mastectomy); battled with cervical and ovarian cancer and P has stood by her this whole time. i think maybe she pushed him away now that she feels "deformed" (her words), but he's italian and doesnt often speak about his feelings. so M got the impression that it has been a slow disintegration and neither one of them let on to anyone. unless she spoke to her sisters and they didnt let on to us "kids".
im hurting and i dont feel i have a right to be.
i feel selfish crying about this.
or am i really crying because after all my hard work on my character i still have nothing.
after all her struggle she's back to square one.
sorry cant write anymore