May 08, 2005 23:04
I know guys, thank you for all your comments. It just hurts so bad, and for someone to not take it seriously hurts even worse. When people make comments like that it just kills me.
I dont know what i believe in anymore. I dont know if ive ever believed in what everyone else believes in. Since i was 7 ive had this idea in my head that for some reason beyond my understanding i was supposed to lose my dad. Maybe so that i could become as close to my family as i am now or maybe so that i could be there to help other people who have to lose someone.
It's just... i thought atleast for now... my dad would be the last person i lost that i was so close to. To lose someone else... to lose Alex, and watch it crush my brother and tear my sister apart, just makes me realize that im not as strong as i think i am. I stood there yesterday in the funeral home holding Mallory while she cried and then i realized i was crying just as hard as she was. Then Dallas came to me crying uncontrolably and said "I thought he would be my best friend forever. Alex and I were gunna grow up and have houses next to each other." I just collapsed and cried with him. When my dad died i took care of my family. I played mom for a long time, but i think i did that becuase i was only 7 and didnt understand the power of death, and mallory and dallas being even younger they didnt understand either. But now, i know how it effects life, ive been there, ive seen the impact it puts on people, and now i dont think im as strong as i was back then. I feel like when i was 7, i should have acted the way i am now (crying all the time), and now i should be acting the way i was when i was 7 (alot stronger).
Death is something everyone has to face. Dont face it alone. Be there for each other.
I love you all