(no subject)
I could be cryptic and eloquent as usual, or straightforward. Perhaps novel writing is exhausting my eloquence. Perhaps I'm just a tinge lazy.
I've realized that in the end it's not about being happy, it's about being content. I've never before been able to say I'm content. I've been happy, but there was always that twinge of impending doom, the knowledge that that happiness could be snatched away at any instant. It's not like that anymore. I'm more confident in myself; I know that I've been though worse and I can get through this.
Now to talk about things I usually don't in a "public" place, I'm very very proud of myself. I have not, in any sense of the word, had any desire to kill myself for two months. I stopped cutting. I've found new optimism in life. Writing this novel has been amazing therapy. I've realized that it's not about being in control of ones life, it's about being comfortable with what you can't control. I can't control the past; I can't control my post traumatic stress or depression; I can't control my emotions, but I can feel them and deal with them. It's when I try to control those things that it gets worse. When I bottle it up. Just feel it and let it fade away. So many people have told me that emotions are fleeting and I really didn't understand that until now. That is what spawns my contentment and optimism.
Work has been going well, and I finally realized that I do have the best job in the world. I was worried once Adam left that I'd hate it. I put in applications at some other stores. But then they transferred Steve from Rosedale to our store, and honestly, he's one of the best coworkers I've ever had. He's almost always enthusiastic, his love for gaming rivals mine and we can teach each other new games all the time. He already got me addicted to Carcasonne. Jen got made manager, which is a very very good change. She's honestly the best manager the store has seen in a while. I didn't get my assistant manager spot, but Jen wants me to be her assistant. I'm not a manager but I'm still the "hiring manager". Got my raise. Holidays will be scary but fun.
Everything at the house came together. We had a mini-crisis when we got almost no notice that the inspector was coming and we had one night to paint the living room and clean everything. Everyone pitched in; I think it really brought us together. Claudia has a WoW addiction now. Victor is now teaching her to "not be a jank hunter". Everyone seems to get along now. Mike is moving in, partially because his rent got jacked up and this is more affordable, partially because he missed Kevin, partially because he loves me. I'd like to be vain and think that it's all because he loves me though. My room is clean. I'm going to paint it soon, so long as my scary holiday work schedule is accommodating.
I'd write more but Mike is giving me the "I thought you wanted to take a bath before we went to bed" look... Which means it is bath time. But that's okay because bath time is the best. If you ever want an honest conversation with someone have it in a bathtub, because you're completely vulnerable to each other. It's good.
I've realized that in the end it's not about being happy, it's about being content. I've never before been able to say I'm content. I've been happy, but there was always that twinge of impending doom, the knowledge that that happiness could be snatched away at any instant. It's not like that anymore. I'm more confident in myself; I know that I've been though worse and I can get through this.
Now to talk about things I usually don't in a "public" place, I'm very very proud of myself. I have not, in any sense of the word, had any desire to kill myself for two months. I stopped cutting. I've found new optimism in life. Writing this novel has been amazing therapy. I've realized that it's not about being in control of ones life, it's about being comfortable with what you can't control. I can't control the past; I can't control my post traumatic stress or depression; I can't control my emotions, but I can feel them and deal with them. It's when I try to control those things that it gets worse. When I bottle it up. Just feel it and let it fade away. So many people have told me that emotions are fleeting and I really didn't understand that until now. That is what spawns my contentment and optimism.
Work has been going well, and I finally realized that I do have the best job in the world. I was worried once Adam left that I'd hate it. I put in applications at some other stores. But then they transferred Steve from Rosedale to our store, and honestly, he's one of the best coworkers I've ever had. He's almost always enthusiastic, his love for gaming rivals mine and we can teach each other new games all the time. He already got me addicted to Carcasonne. Jen got made manager, which is a very very good change. She's honestly the best manager the store has seen in a while. I didn't get my assistant manager spot, but Jen wants me to be her assistant. I'm not a manager but I'm still the "hiring manager". Got my raise. Holidays will be scary but fun.
Everything at the house came together. We had a mini-crisis when we got almost no notice that the inspector was coming and we had one night to paint the living room and clean everything. Everyone pitched in; I think it really brought us together. Claudia has a WoW addiction now. Victor is now teaching her to "not be a jank hunter". Everyone seems to get along now. Mike is moving in, partially because his rent got jacked up and this is more affordable, partially because he missed Kevin, partially because he loves me. I'd like to be vain and think that it's all because he loves me though. My room is clean. I'm going to paint it soon, so long as my scary holiday work schedule is accommodating.
I'd write more but Mike is giving me the "I thought you wanted to take a bath before we went to bed" look... Which means it is bath time. But that's okay because bath time is the best. If you ever want an honest conversation with someone have it in a bathtub, because you're completely vulnerable to each other. It's good.