Lots and Lots of Stress
I'm having one of those moments when I can't sleep because way too much shit is battling it out in my head.
I realize that after all this time I am still needy and childishly insecure. Being apart from my friends at home and not talking to them often, I start to fear that they've forgotten me, or stopped liking me, or never really liked me much to start with. I think about the future and how on earth I'll be able to handle moving to a new place away from EVERYONE, going through the process of tentatively edging closer and closer to new people while the people I love and trust the most grow apart from me. And worse, wondering if they even care if we no longer talk and joke together and share things. I wish I could think that I could just be happy with no close friends around me except for Matt, but I don't think that is the case. I also can't be happy without him.
Now, do I really think my dear friends and I will grow apart and eventually become estranged? Not exactly. But it's 4am and I can't tell paranoia from legitimate fears. I'll sum up this section by saying that basically if you're my friend and you're anyone but Rebecca, who I have been talking to only a little less than usual lately, I miss you and I wish I had more of your unique and lovely presence in my life.
A dear American friend of mine is currently married to an English man, and they have been together for almost 6 years I believe. They have had to be apart for far longer than they expected, because his spousal visa was denied, and today she told me that because they've grown so far apart, they have ended their relationship. It was this that generated my cascade of worries - being here with Matt makes me realize more than ever how natural we are together, how close we are, and how happy he makes me. The thought of that being taken away is terrifying. So I am faced with the option of leaving my friends and family for even longer and attempting to find work in the UK after graduation, and I have no idea how to go about that, or how easy it will or won't be. How many years can I tolerate being apart for months and months on end, and how can I pack those years full of valuable experience so that I will be the ideal candidate for some sort of job or other? And if I get a job in England somehow, how will I continue making films and building a portfolio so that I can do what I really really really want to do and apply to film schools while working at the same time? How will I build up a network of people who can help me produce good quality short films without access to a wealth of university students?
Trying to make this next year at Cal count as much as it can, I'm stressing about internships, jobs that actually pay money, classes, GIANT, other extra stuff....how will I squeeze it all in, and what is actually worth my time? What will best help me sort this whole mess out? How will I make sure I spend enough time with the people I care about before leaving them for ages, possibly forever, while they too are being busy trying to fill their lives up with things that will get them jobs and earn them money and ensure that they don't die or become janitors?
Advice is welcome.
I realize that after all this time I am still needy and childishly insecure. Being apart from my friends at home and not talking to them often, I start to fear that they've forgotten me, or stopped liking me, or never really liked me much to start with. I think about the future and how on earth I'll be able to handle moving to a new place away from EVERYONE, going through the process of tentatively edging closer and closer to new people while the people I love and trust the most grow apart from me. And worse, wondering if they even care if we no longer talk and joke together and share things. I wish I could think that I could just be happy with no close friends around me except for Matt, but I don't think that is the case. I also can't be happy without him.
Now, do I really think my dear friends and I will grow apart and eventually become estranged? Not exactly. But it's 4am and I can't tell paranoia from legitimate fears. I'll sum up this section by saying that basically if you're my friend and you're anyone but Rebecca, who I have been talking to only a little less than usual lately, I miss you and I wish I had more of your unique and lovely presence in my life.
A dear American friend of mine is currently married to an English man, and they have been together for almost 6 years I believe. They have had to be apart for far longer than they expected, because his spousal visa was denied, and today she told me that because they've grown so far apart, they have ended their relationship. It was this that generated my cascade of worries - being here with Matt makes me realize more than ever how natural we are together, how close we are, and how happy he makes me. The thought of that being taken away is terrifying. So I am faced with the option of leaving my friends and family for even longer and attempting to find work in the UK after graduation, and I have no idea how to go about that, or how easy it will or won't be. How many years can I tolerate being apart for months and months on end, and how can I pack those years full of valuable experience so that I will be the ideal candidate for some sort of job or other? And if I get a job in England somehow, how will I continue making films and building a portfolio so that I can do what I really really really want to do and apply to film schools while working at the same time? How will I build up a network of people who can help me produce good quality short films without access to a wealth of university students?
Trying to make this next year at Cal count as much as it can, I'm stressing about internships, jobs that actually pay money, classes, GIANT, other extra stuff....how will I squeeze it all in, and what is actually worth my time? What will best help me sort this whole mess out? How will I make sure I spend enough time with the people I care about before leaving them for ages, possibly forever, while they too are being busy trying to fill their lives up with things that will get them jobs and earn them money and ensure that they don't die or become janitors?
Advice is welcome.