(no subject)
So yesterday was really bad. It's been four months but yesterday was really bad. I'm actually lucky that I had plans in the evening to watch the USWNT game because it's the only reason I got out of bed.
Pathetically, yesterday morning I was on FB and I saw that a friend of hers had posted pictures of what I assume was her birthday party which was on Saturday. I didn't look through them. I couldn't have even had I wanted to because I just spied one of her and, like, it broke me down.
I had already been sad on Saturday knowing it was her birthday celebration because it was an event to be surrounded by people who you love you love you and care about you. And even now, with all my anger and hurt, I still think it's so miraculous that she was born and that she became the person she is today, even if I don't recognize that person from who I knew back in the fall and winter. And even just seeing a glimpse of a picture of her happy just set me off because I want so much for her to be happy but I don't think I'm a good enough person right now to see it happening with other people, platonically or otherwise, because I so desperately wanted (want) to be a (the) person to make her smile.
So it crippled me emotionally and there was a lot of crying (re: sobbing) and staring and sleeping because I had to get up in the evening to watch the game with a friend.
And at this point I'm actually kind of worried, right? I've been worried for months but now I'm actually really worried because that was a full on break down. Four months out from a four month relationship. At what point am I supposed to get better? I feel like I'm doing all the things I should be doing. But I can't stop thinking about it and I dno't know how to redirect my mind when I have no distractions around me.
I start my summer job today, so I'll be in a classroom surrounded by 25 kids for the next 16 work days, and I'm trying to be hopeful that this will give me the structure and routine I need to start moving forward (I like having a flexible schedule but it means I have to make the routine up which means I have no real routine which leaves more time for less distraction) but what if I can't?
I honestly think she broke me.
But it's also so weird because every second of the last four months has felt wrong to me. My body, my mind, my heart, my soul . . . I feel like they're holding on so hard because they were all so convinced that she was it. Not, like, forever and ever "it" but just that they all felt and believed that she was going to be a much more substantial person in my life than what has happened (not that she's not substantial since I cry in misery over her practically every day). But every cell in my body, ever synpase in my brain believed this and I don't know how to convince them otherwise. Because I know it's not going to happen. I really, really do. But everything inside of me screams about that this isn't right, it's not the way it was supposed to happen. I don't know when they're going to understand that what they feel doesn't matter.
Pathetically, yesterday morning I was on FB and I saw that a friend of hers had posted pictures of what I assume was her birthday party which was on Saturday. I didn't look through them. I couldn't have even had I wanted to because I just spied one of her and, like, it broke me down.
I had already been sad on Saturday knowing it was her birthday celebration because it was an event to be surrounded by people who you love you love you and care about you. And even now, with all my anger and hurt, I still think it's so miraculous that she was born and that she became the person she is today, even if I don't recognize that person from who I knew back in the fall and winter. And even just seeing a glimpse of a picture of her happy just set me off because I want so much for her to be happy but I don't think I'm a good enough person right now to see it happening with other people, platonically or otherwise, because I so desperately wanted (want) to be a (the) person to make her smile.
So it crippled me emotionally and there was a lot of crying (re: sobbing) and staring and sleeping because I had to get up in the evening to watch the game with a friend.
And at this point I'm actually kind of worried, right? I've been worried for months but now I'm actually really worried because that was a full on break down. Four months out from a four month relationship. At what point am I supposed to get better? I feel like I'm doing all the things I should be doing. But I can't stop thinking about it and I dno't know how to redirect my mind when I have no distractions around me.
I start my summer job today, so I'll be in a classroom surrounded by 25 kids for the next 16 work days, and I'm trying to be hopeful that this will give me the structure and routine I need to start moving forward (I like having a flexible schedule but it means I have to make the routine up which means I have no real routine which leaves more time for less distraction) but what if I can't?
I honestly think she broke me.
But it's also so weird because every second of the last four months has felt wrong to me. My body, my mind, my heart, my soul . . . I feel like they're holding on so hard because they were all so convinced that she was it. Not, like, forever and ever "it" but just that they all felt and believed that she was going to be a much more substantial person in my life than what has happened (not that she's not substantial since I cry in misery over her practically every day). But every cell in my body, ever synpase in my brain believed this and I don't know how to convince them otherwise. Because I know it's not going to happen. I really, really do. But everything inside of me screams about that this isn't right, it's not the way it was supposed to happen. I don't know when they're going to understand that what they feel doesn't matter.