Whoa, Back Here Again

[teachlikeroslin]

I was kind of reminded that this existed because for some reason (I really can't remember why) I got it in my head to look over my BSG reviews (maybe because I wanted to lose myself in that show again but Netflix got rid of it and that has to be the craziest thing Netflix has ever done because how do you get rid of BSG? The show that had a special

Comments

[rachg82]

I'm sorry you've been feeling so bad. I think one logical thing to keep in mind regarding how her feelings changed is that the hormones your body produced at the beginning of a relationship change over time, and then after that commitment relies much more heavily on a stronger, deeper bond. I think it absolutely matters at that point whether both parties reciprocate each others level of interest equally--without those early-romance hormones to create intimacy & excitement--or it's impossible to maintain.

Beyond that, I can't really tell you what's going on in her head because I don't know her, and I haven't exactly had lots of romantic experience on my own end. But what I can say is that it sounds like you're experiencing a form of "complicated grief". And that I have tons of experience with. In my opinion, the hardest, but most important thing to do under those circumstances is to not place judgment on yourself for how long it takes you to crawl out of this hole. Yes, you're going to fall backward over & over, and you're going to beat your head against the same issues with your therapist week after week, but eventually, slowly things WILL improve if you keep fighting & taking things one day or one hour or one minute at a time, doing what you can & focusing on self-care.

[teachlikeroslin]

It's hard to get people to understand the level of my grief in this because no one else was there with us, you know? And understand exactly what transpired. And it's complicated for me because I only see two realistic possibilities for what actually went down over the course of those five months: I either made everything up in my head or she lied about everything the entire time.

For me, there is no middle. Because there was nothing moderate about anything we did and experienced.

So maybe her feelings did go away. But it contradicts everything she did and said, not only right up to the end, but also beyond the end. In telling me she didn't feel it she, and I'm not exaggerating, contradicted it maybe . . . ten minutes later. But it makes me sound crazy when I explain to anybody what happened because it's so easy to just believe I just misinterpreted. And maybe I did. But to this extent? Then that means I've somehow disassociated with reality to a pretty big degree.

Because in the dissolution, she started saying that nothing really meant what it was supposed to. Almost like . . . What's the word? I don't know the word but going back on things she had said and changing the meaning. Or rationalizing things she had done essentially saying, "That's not what I meant. About any of it." Or denying things completely, kind of making me feel like I really had made it all up.

So that's part of this, too. I'm terrified that I made it up. It's hard to articulate, but there's something about all of this that makes me wonder if I can honestly trust myself at all.

[rachg82]

And it's complicated for me because I only see two realistic possibilities

I'm sure you know this, but I'm just going to remind you -- that's an All or Nothing thinking error.

Because in the dissolution, she started saying that nothing really meant what it was supposed to

Have you considered that maybe she's not telling the whole truth? That maybe her feelings have changed, but not to the extent she's saying? That she's only being so harsh about it to push you away & get you to stop chasing her? She may have other, private reasons for the break-up that she's not sharing.

[teachlikeroslin]

Of course it's occurred to me. For months I was convinced that she only broke up with me because her feelings were too intense and she didn't know how to deal with them (in light of the other stuff she had been going through that would extra complicate everything). I expressed this thought to her. Multiple times. She denied it. Every time. So whether or not I think it's more complicated than what she's saying doesn't really matter because she has her truth.

What I'm stuck on is the gaslighting. Maybe she did stop feeling for me. Maybe it is more complicated but in a way I'm not aware of. Maybe I'm totally right. But in implying the things she said didn't mean what I thought or denying she said them at all, she's gaslighting me. And that's not okay.

But none of it matters anyway, right? The reasons don't matter. None of it does. It's over and I need to move on. It's just that everything I try fails spectacularly. So that's cool.

I just wish her issues hadn't triggered all of my issues. I have a 20 page paper due in 5 hours that I've known about for a semester and I'm pretty much apathetic about it. It and everything else.

(And to make me sound maybe slightly less pathetic, there is other stuff going on that is making me feel this way. It's that she's the biggest chunk and all of this with her set off a chain reaction in other places.)