XWP: You Are There
Another day, another review. And I may, or may not, be watching RuPaul's Drag Race on Netflix. And I may, or may not, be counting down the hours until tomorrow's USWNT Olympic opener against France.
It's time.
1) Just when you think we're making our way out of Rome to go back to Greece, we wind up back in the Norse land with the unfortunately bad CGI Norse God Castle. We find Gabrielle and Xena looking for, and finding, Beowulf in some kind of local tavern.
Gabrielle's out of luck if she wanted some kind of a hot male lovin' (it's okay; she didn't want that) because Beowulf seems over his crush. No matter, though, because Xena needs to see Odin. Unfortunately, we don't know why, because before she can talk to Odin, the Valkyries find her and threaten to kick her ass.
Chaos ensues.
2) But what makes this fight different than every other single fight in Xena history is that this fight is being filmed by a documentary film crew.
Wait. Say what?
No, really. This is the documentary episode of Xena. Who knew? Turns out that this guy Nigel, dressed in his wonderful outfit straight out of 2001, is doing an expose on Xena herself.
3) So, since Nigel is trying to get the down and dirty on Xena, he somehow ropes both Xena and Gabrielle into an interview, talk show style. He lays out his theory as to why Xena is, once again, in the Norselands: Xena wants to kill Odin and become a god.
She doesn't really deny it but she definitely gets pissed. He needs to reign in his guests.
4) Nigel goes off to conduct some interviews. He starts by going down to the River Styx and talking to Charon. Charon is actually a pretty decent character witness for Xena. Though he can't deny that she's sent him a lot of people (though he also claims that, in terms of raw numbers, she hasn't sent him that many . . . Which seems to go against what we've learned about her killing sprees in the past), he's mostly impressed by the hard-hitters she's sent him. And they're all freaking evil, right? Which is good! I mean, Velasca, Callisto, Caesar, Caligula . . . Those are just a few!
5) And speaking of Caligula . . . He's down in Hades waiting for his boatride to eternity. And he is not a fan of Xena's. He has the line of the episode, too: "That bard of hers? Like we don't know what's going on there, huh?"
You are a perceptive man, Caligula. So, so perceptive.
6) Meanwhile, Nigel hears from an anonymous source from Valhalla that Xena wants the golden apples to become a god. (I suppose the golden apples are to the Norse what ambrosia is to the Greeks.)
Nigel's not a dipshit, though, and he figures out that his anonymous, invisible source, is, in fact, Odin himself.
As you can understand, he doesn't want Xena to become a god. That'd really suck for him. Especially if, as he posits, she also returns Ares to power as her king.
It's hard out here for a god, ya'll.
7) Nigel follows the tip and goes to find Ares' homestead (I didn't review this episode, but Xena and Gabrielle move Ares into Xena's grandparents' old homestead to protect him from warlords) and . . . surprise, surprise! He finds Xena there.
What is this shit?! Cheating on Gabrielle?!
8) Nigel continues his interviewings. He finds Michael up in Heaven and, of course, he badmouths Xena. So does Lucifer, when Nigel is pushed down to Hell.
That Xena sure didn't make very many friends.
9) He stumbles across Eve and the Elijans in a field, praying. She isn't interested in asking his personal questions and goes off on him in probably the best Eve moment of the entire series. She literally starts cussing him out. It's a thing of beauty and awesome to have all those beeps coming out of the speakers.
Way to go, Eve. I wish you were more like this than a prissy do-gooder.
10) Gabrielle goes to do another sit down interview with Nigel, to clarify Xena's intentions in trying to get the golden apples. She says that Xena wants to save the world and she certainly doesn't lust after Ares and isn't trying to become his queen.
Nigel does that classic talk show take down, though, and shows Gabrielle a compilation of Xena and Ares' makeout sessions over the last few years. Nigel is out for blood and to answer the question we've all been puzzling over for the last six years: Are Xena and Gabrielle doin' it? But he starts by asking a question we think we already know the answer to: Does Gabrielle love Xena?
Gabrielle's answer is surprising: She doesn't love Xena.
Oh, girl. False.
11) Xena shows up and she's pissed. She puts the pinch on Nigel and explains to him the dilemma everyone is in and that she's trying to solve: There's no love anymore. Since Aphrodite lost her powers, love is being sucked from the world, which is basically making every super angry and violent and prone to swearing (re: Eve). If she can get the golden apples, she can restore Aphrodite back to Olympus, restoring love in the world.
I don't really get it. It's not like Aphrodite is the only goddess of love in the world. I'm sure the Norse have a love goddess themselves, right? And what about the Sumerians? The Egyptians? The Celts? Ares being gone didn't mean war went away so . . . PLOT HOLE!
12) But hey. Without love, prostitution is booming. And Ares is, coincidentally, bangin'. You go, Ares. Get it, boy!
13) Another anonymous source from Valhalla lets Nigel know that he's pursuing the wrong story. He needs to find the right god that Xena wants to put back on Olympus (I mean, it should be obvious that Xena is trying to put Aphrodite back there but Nigel hasn't figured it out yet). The source lets Nigel know that Xena isn't interested in ruling the world as much as she's interesting in saving it.
That Xena: Such a stand up girl.
14) I'm using a lot of colons in this review.
15) Well, Nigel takes the advice of the anonymous source and goes to follow the love and finds Aphrodite. She's surrounded by a small crowd who are pawing all over her because, as it turns out, they're desperate for the last bit of love she has clinging to her. She confirms Xena's story: Without being a god, love is fading away.
16) Xena goes back to Valhalla and goes to face Odin alone, in order to get the golden apples.
The key point to this scene is when Gabrielle confirms to Aphrodite that she and Xena are partners. I mean . . . Aphrodite is the goddess of love. She sees all! Including sexy times. She knows, Gabrielle. She knows.
17) Xena wins and gets the apples from Odin.
And what does that lady do with them? She gives one to Ares! ARES! What?! Xena! What are you thinking?
But more than that, after she's restores Ares' power, she almost eats the apple herself. Bad idea, Xena. But, with Gabrielle asking her not to, she vanquishes the urge and throws the apple to Aphrodite, allowing her to restore her powers, too. Appropriately, cartoon hearts appear as everyone gets a whiff of love and, of course, because this is the gayest show of all time, the hearts are all a-flutter as Xena and Gabrielle look at each other.
And good news for Gabrielle if she wants any male lovin' (though she definitely doesn't) because Beowulf's crush is back in action.
Get a life, Beowulf! You can't stand in the way of lady love!
18) It turns out that Grinhilda was Nigel's second anonymous source, who lead him to Aphrodite, and was Xena's ultimate character witness (aside from Gabrielle's).
19) Xena explains to Nigel that she had to give Ares back his powers in order to restore balance to the force.
Wait. Hold on. Wrong franchise.
But she is trying to achieve balance. You can't have love without hate, remember?
I do have a small bond to pick, though, because I don't think that war is hate. Hate's the wrong word. Fear, maybe? And maybe fear is actually the antithesis to love and not hate because, as Yoda once taught us, fear leads to hate, hate leads to suffering. Or something. Yada yada. I don't remember. It's only the Phantom Menace.
20) Nigel has one more question to ask Gabrielle and Xena before his expose. Are they lovers?
The camera cuts off before they can answer but why do they even need to answer it? Of course they are. They're having all kinds of sex. All kinds of sex. So much sex they don't even know what to do with it.
But whatever. We know it, even if Nigel and his crew don't.
I like this episode a lot. It's very funny and very clever. It was a fun story to restore Aphrodite and Ares to Olympus. I wish I had more to stay but I'm feeling rather lethargic and lame. Sorry. But I am going to give You Are There 4 out of 5 airlocks.
It's time.
1) Just when you think we're making our way out of Rome to go back to Greece, we wind up back in the Norse land with the unfortunately bad CGI Norse God Castle. We find Gabrielle and Xena looking for, and finding, Beowulf in some kind of local tavern.
Gabrielle's out of luck if she wanted some kind of a hot male lovin' (it's okay; she didn't want that) because Beowulf seems over his crush. No matter, though, because Xena needs to see Odin. Unfortunately, we don't know why, because before she can talk to Odin, the Valkyries find her and threaten to kick her ass.
Chaos ensues.
2) But what makes this fight different than every other single fight in Xena history is that this fight is being filmed by a documentary film crew.
Wait. Say what?
No, really. This is the documentary episode of Xena. Who knew? Turns out that this guy Nigel, dressed in his wonderful outfit straight out of 2001, is doing an expose on Xena herself.
3) So, since Nigel is trying to get the down and dirty on Xena, he somehow ropes both Xena and Gabrielle into an interview, talk show style. He lays out his theory as to why Xena is, once again, in the Norselands: Xena wants to kill Odin and become a god.
She doesn't really deny it but she definitely gets pissed. He needs to reign in his guests.
4) Nigel goes off to conduct some interviews. He starts by going down to the River Styx and talking to Charon. Charon is actually a pretty decent character witness for Xena. Though he can't deny that she's sent him a lot of people (though he also claims that, in terms of raw numbers, she hasn't sent him that many . . . Which seems to go against what we've learned about her killing sprees in the past), he's mostly impressed by the hard-hitters she's sent him. And they're all freaking evil, right? Which is good! I mean, Velasca, Callisto, Caesar, Caligula . . . Those are just a few!
5) And speaking of Caligula . . . He's down in Hades waiting for his boatride to eternity. And he is not a fan of Xena's. He has the line of the episode, too: "That bard of hers? Like we don't know what's going on there, huh?"
You are a perceptive man, Caligula. So, so perceptive.
6) Meanwhile, Nigel hears from an anonymous source from Valhalla that Xena wants the golden apples to become a god. (I suppose the golden apples are to the Norse what ambrosia is to the Greeks.)
Nigel's not a dipshit, though, and he figures out that his anonymous, invisible source, is, in fact, Odin himself.
As you can understand, he doesn't want Xena to become a god. That'd really suck for him. Especially if, as he posits, she also returns Ares to power as her king.
It's hard out here for a god, ya'll.
7) Nigel follows the tip and goes to find Ares' homestead (I didn't review this episode, but Xena and Gabrielle move Ares into Xena's grandparents' old homestead to protect him from warlords) and . . . surprise, surprise! He finds Xena there.
What is this shit?! Cheating on Gabrielle?!
8) Nigel continues his interviewings. He finds Michael up in Heaven and, of course, he badmouths Xena. So does Lucifer, when Nigel is pushed down to Hell.
That Xena sure didn't make very many friends.
9) He stumbles across Eve and the Elijans in a field, praying. She isn't interested in asking his personal questions and goes off on him in probably the best Eve moment of the entire series. She literally starts cussing him out. It's a thing of beauty and awesome to have all those beeps coming out of the speakers.
Way to go, Eve. I wish you were more like this than a prissy do-gooder.
10) Gabrielle goes to do another sit down interview with Nigel, to clarify Xena's intentions in trying to get the golden apples. She says that Xena wants to save the world and she certainly doesn't lust after Ares and isn't trying to become his queen.
Nigel does that classic talk show take down, though, and shows Gabrielle a compilation of Xena and Ares' makeout sessions over the last few years. Nigel is out for blood and to answer the question we've all been puzzling over for the last six years: Are Xena and Gabrielle doin' it? But he starts by asking a question we think we already know the answer to: Does Gabrielle love Xena?
Gabrielle's answer is surprising: She doesn't love Xena.
Oh, girl. False.
11) Xena shows up and she's pissed. She puts the pinch on Nigel and explains to him the dilemma everyone is in and that she's trying to solve: There's no love anymore. Since Aphrodite lost her powers, love is being sucked from the world, which is basically making every super angry and violent and prone to swearing (re: Eve). If she can get the golden apples, she can restore Aphrodite back to Olympus, restoring love in the world.
I don't really get it. It's not like Aphrodite is the only goddess of love in the world. I'm sure the Norse have a love goddess themselves, right? And what about the Sumerians? The Egyptians? The Celts? Ares being gone didn't mean war went away so . . . PLOT HOLE!
12) But hey. Without love, prostitution is booming. And Ares is, coincidentally, bangin'. You go, Ares. Get it, boy!
13) Another anonymous source from Valhalla lets Nigel know that he's pursuing the wrong story. He needs to find the right god that Xena wants to put back on Olympus (I mean, it should be obvious that Xena is trying to put Aphrodite back there but Nigel hasn't figured it out yet). The source lets Nigel know that Xena isn't interested in ruling the world as much as she's interesting in saving it.
That Xena: Such a stand up girl.
14) I'm using a lot of colons in this review.
15) Well, Nigel takes the advice of the anonymous source and goes to follow the love and finds Aphrodite. She's surrounded by a small crowd who are pawing all over her because, as it turns out, they're desperate for the last bit of love she has clinging to her. She confirms Xena's story: Without being a god, love is fading away.
16) Xena goes back to Valhalla and goes to face Odin alone, in order to get the golden apples.
The key point to this scene is when Gabrielle confirms to Aphrodite that she and Xena are partners. I mean . . . Aphrodite is the goddess of love. She sees all! Including sexy times. She knows, Gabrielle. She knows.
17) Xena wins and gets the apples from Odin.
And what does that lady do with them? She gives one to Ares! ARES! What?! Xena! What are you thinking?
But more than that, after she's restores Ares' power, she almost eats the apple herself. Bad idea, Xena. But, with Gabrielle asking her not to, she vanquishes the urge and throws the apple to Aphrodite, allowing her to restore her powers, too. Appropriately, cartoon hearts appear as everyone gets a whiff of love and, of course, because this is the gayest show of all time, the hearts are all a-flutter as Xena and Gabrielle look at each other.
And good news for Gabrielle if she wants any male lovin' (though she definitely doesn't) because Beowulf's crush is back in action.
Get a life, Beowulf! You can't stand in the way of lady love!
18) It turns out that Grinhilda was Nigel's second anonymous source, who lead him to Aphrodite, and was Xena's ultimate character witness (aside from Gabrielle's).
19) Xena explains to Nigel that she had to give Ares back his powers in order to restore balance to the force.
Wait. Hold on. Wrong franchise.
But she is trying to achieve balance. You can't have love without hate, remember?
I do have a small bond to pick, though, because I don't think that war is hate. Hate's the wrong word. Fear, maybe? And maybe fear is actually the antithesis to love and not hate because, as Yoda once taught us, fear leads to hate, hate leads to suffering. Or something. Yada yada. I don't remember. It's only the Phantom Menace.
20) Nigel has one more question to ask Gabrielle and Xena before his expose. Are they lovers?
The camera cuts off before they can answer but why do they even need to answer it? Of course they are. They're having all kinds of sex. All kinds of sex. So much sex they don't even know what to do with it.
But whatever. We know it, even if Nigel and his crew don't.
I like this episode a lot. It's very funny and very clever. It was a fun story to restore Aphrodite and Ares to Olympus. I wish I had more to stay but I'm feeling rather lethargic and lame. Sorry. But I am going to give You Are There 4 out of 5 airlocks.