XWP: The God You Know
Summer vacation! You know what that means! Xena! Seriously, though. I only have about seven episodes left (six if you don't count this one) before I'm finished! Wow! And even though I know I'm the only one who reads these (indeed, I think I'm just about the only one to read any of my entries, as it happens), I'm a completist. I hate to leave something unfinished. So you can bet I'm going to get these done!
So here we go!
1) The God You Know begins with Xena and Gabrielle walking through a random field, filled with various dead bodies and general carnage. Man. There sure are a lot of those in the area.
Actually, it's a pretty gruesome scene. Xena is really interesting in that it's a show about violence that rarely shows the true effects of violence, even though Xena's entire backstory is kind of dependent on the idea that she was one of the most violent tyrants/warlords of all time. Still, it's camp so the violence is very rarely played seriously, so the carnage that Gabrielle and Xena encounter in this field is rather unusual and, because it's unusual, it seems extra important.
2) Another clue to its importance is the appearance of archangel Michael, who lets her know that the destruction was caused by Caligula, the new ruler of Rome.
3) Back in Rome central (or whatever the hell you call the palace the rulers of Rome lived in . . . I feel like a true wanker for not knowing what it's called, since I'm a history major and wannabe social studies teacher), Caligula (played awesomely by Alexis Arquette), has Eve and some other Elijans, which sucks for Eve and the Elijans because Caligula hates the Elijans (and, frankly, I don't blame him for that).
Luckily for Eve, before Caligula is able to strike her down, Xena shows up just in time and guess what, you guys?! She's wearing a new outfit! And it's scandalously sexy! (It's probably good I'm finishing up these reviews in six more entries because the longer it takes me to write them, the gayer I become and these'll finish before I get gay to the point where all I do is talk about Xena's shoulders and Gabrielle's midriff.)
4) Xena is about to kill Caligula herself but Ares shoots out of the crowd and stops her.
Now, let's pause here for a moment to remember that Ares is, at this point, mortal because he restored life to Gabrielle and Eve at the penalty of his godhood. He can't take care of Caligula himself and he can't allow Xena to because Caligula has somehow bound himself to Aphrodite. See, there's this thing that happened to her when Ares lost his powers. Something about love and war being somewhat connected, so when Ares lost his power, Aphrodite went kind of . . . strange. And, in her binding to Caligula, she's losing her godly powers and passing them on to him.
Rough.
5) In the chaos, Eve manages to escape with help from Gabrielle, who is wearing a wonderful disguise of a yellow hat. Good one, Gabrielle!
And if I may get shallow for a moment (no, I'm not ogling her abs, though I certainly could), I'm really not digging Gabrielle's hair. It's too . . . feathered? It's an awkward length for her. They should have stuck with the extensions/wig they used at the end of the Norse trilogy, or they should have cut it back to season four length.
6) Xena, we come to find out, has also disguised herself, which explains the sexy lingerie-like outfit and kinky golden mask. She is Saaba, the charioteer and she's come, with help from her yellow hat wearing manager Gabrielle, to challenge Caligula to a race.
7) Caligula takes the bait and invites Gabrielle and Xena to his palace to hang out and have an orgy. Yay! Orgies are the best!
But before they get to that, Xena and Gabrielle bathe together. Naked. Must be any day of the week, amiright? And can we also focus on the fact that Xena is intimately washing Gabrielle's feet? (The second time this season Gabrielle's feet get washed by someone else and, by the way, the first time Xena was totally jealous of the guy who was doing it.) This show is SO FUCKING GAY. I mean, sure. I bet straight girls always bathe naked together and wash each other's extremities. It turns out I'm not a straight girl, so I can't really comment accurately, but I'm sure they do. All the time. Right?
8) During the party, Gabrielle goes to talk to Aphrodite, who's totally out of it on Caligula's sex pillows in the middle of an orgy. She doesn't even recognize Gabrielle. It's kind of sad, actually. Gabrielle and Aphrodite's relationship on the show was kind of unsung in a lot of ways. Aphrodite always seemed to have a bit of a soft spot for the little bard. She even got sad and wore black when Gabrielle got hacked in the head by Xena's chakram and she used her powers to get Xena, Eve, and Gabrielle to Olympus for a chance at saving Gabrielle's life.
Aphrodite's a total ditz who has very few non-material pleasures, so to know that she cares for Gabrielle, and then to have her not even recognize Gabrielle at this point, is rather sad.
9) But she also tries to make out with Gabrielle. Because, once again, this is the GAYEST SHOW OF ALL TIME. Even gayer than The L Word, I swear. Because now, not only are Xena and Gabrielle making all kinds of eye sex at each other, they have other women getting in on the action, too. I mean, I guess there was also Lao Ma and Callisto and M'Lila and Alti but this is even more overt. First there's that viking Valkyrie chick who loves Gabrielle and now Aphrodite! It's lady love all over the place!
10) While Gabrielle is trying to thwart the advances of the goddess of love, Xena visits the dungeon to see Ares. He tells her about Aphrodite, how she's losing her powers to Caligula. It's all very informative and exposition-y.
11) And Gabrielle, in order to avert Caligula's attention from the fact that Xena has showed up at the orgy yet, performs this ridiculous dance filled with fire, grunts, and shield dancing. Totally hot.
12) Xena does eventually show up and Caligula's all pissy and tells her she has to prove that she's worthy of racing by killing Ares (Caligula doesn't know that Ares is THE Ares.) She and Gabrielle think quickly, though, to advance the plot and avoid killing Ares (it's it weird that Ares isn't the antagonist and that he's, in fact, allied with the two for much of the season?), and they "perform" a flooshow that involves a lot of stroking Ares' body (gross) and, in order to tweak Caligula's kinky side, Xena tries to get him on the fact, biting his lip and drawing blood.
Now, of course, Caligula is well on his way to being immortal so . . . Xena's ability to draw blood from him, when knives pierce his body with no ill-effects, is kind of freakish to him. So he, you know, freaks out.
13) After Caligula's cleared the room, Xena tells him that's actually Saaba, Celtic sex goddess. (Where can I learn more about this ancient Celtic religion and make a conversion?) She's looking to slip into the power vacuum left by the death of so many Olympian gods and wants to align with Caligula in order to do so.
Caligula decides to consider it because, as Xena tells him, Saaba's big god power is her ability to kill other gods. It may be risky to keep her around but, by the same token, it's risky to not keep her around.
14) Caligula goes off to think about it and hears his mother insulting him. Dude has serious mommy issues. But in the middle of them he sees Michael, who is now wearing a constant smirk. Ugh. Smugness is not attractive (unless you are Xena. Or Arizona Robbins).
15) Meanwhile, Eve is back at a cave meditating.
Question: What the hell is the point of living if all you do is spend all your time meditating? Such a huge waste.
Anyway, Michael goes to her, too, and lets her know that it's "her time". Basically, he leads her to get captured by Caligula and, once again, right before Caligula's about to kill her, Xena intercedes and, when Eve protests (god, those Elijans are so into that fucking self sacrifice bullshit), Xena punches her! Now, I'm not okay with domestic abuse, but that was pretty satisfying, wasn't it?
Caligula reveals to Xena that Michael (or, as he puts it, a demon with wings) told him that he had to kill Eve. That Michael sure is shady (as are all the smug). Xena manages to convince Caligula that if he's going to kill Eve for this cult of blood, he should at least do it in front of a crowd. It momentarily spares Eve and all is well. For now.
16) While all of this is going down (I'm already laughing at my "going down" pun), Gabrielle is trying to revive Aphrodite. Unfortunately, Michael shows up and kind of tries to kill her. Or so it seems. Xena stops him, of course, because she is kind of like air or god or ants. She's everywhere. In fact, she almost kills him after she accuses him of almost killing her "girlfriends". (Her words, not mine.) She puts the pinch on his (the pinch! On an archangel!) and then nearly drowns him. He admits that he was trying to kill Aphrodite and not Gabrielle, because he wanted to stop Caligula from sucking the last of her powers which would make him a full god, but Xena's unimpressed.
She goes to drown him to get rid of him for good when she's struck by a stream of flames. Oops. There goes her ability to kill gods. Fuck! Now what's she going to do?
17) Especially since Caligula gets one last kiss from Aphrodite, sucking all her powers from her and making himself a full fledged god.
18) Xena has a plan, though. Because she's Xena. She goes to talk to Eve and Eve is predictably whiny. She says, "You can't protect me from all the cruelty in the world forever, mother." Um . . . Eve? Remember when you were Livia? The Bitch of Rome? When you were the one causing the cruelty? I'm not sure Xena can protect you from what you've already done.
Jesus.
19) Still, Xena manages to use Eve in her plan against Caligula. The two of them race and Xena, predictably, wins. She then goes and reveals herself to Caligula as Xena, which I don't really understand. Why not reveal herself in the first place? They could have avoided a lot of trouble. After Caligula stole the last of Aphrodite's powers, the ruse was unnecessary.
Whatever, right?
20) So, Caligula, knowing that Xena has the power to kill gods, sees his death as a foregone conclusion. It's particular obvious that he'll die when Xena reminds him that she killed lots of established Olympians (Poseidon, Hades, Artemis, Athena, etc.) so he, as a newborn god, probably wouldn't pose too much of a problem.
But, of course, Xena no longer has the power to kill gods, so she does her smart Xena thing, and actually convinces Caligula to kill himself (so I guess gods can kill themselves but not each other unless they are . . . Saaba). And Caligula is kind of sad, a lot like a midguided kid, and falls for it and, indeed kills himself.
21) I have to admit that I still don't understand why Caligula (or anyone on the show) is so obsessed with immortality, when in this universe, the afterlife is guaranteed. I mean, I could see if he was afraid to die because he knew he wouldn't be making it to Elysium but they never present it that way. It's always, "I'm afraid to die!", not, "I'm afraid to die because I know I'll be going to Tartarus".
22) After Caligula's death and after they all get the hell out of dodge, Xena admits to Gabrielle that she feels dirty about how Caligula died. She says that Caligula was damaged, not evil. Which is interesting, by the way. They kind of showed that in the episode, I think. First, the scene where Caligula hears his mother insulting him from (presumably) the afterlife and, really, just Alexis Arquette's performance as a whole, which showcases Caligula as kind of . . . Full of bravado and naivety and not particularly malicious to be malicious but malicious to look strong.
But I wonder if Xena sees herself in Caligula? Because I think there are a lot of parallels between that kind of machismo and Xena's own struggles as a warlord. Caligula reminds me a lot, actually, of the Xena was saw in the China episodes in season three. They're both kind of kid-like. Certainly Xena seems much more . . . I don't know. Innately bad? Innately prone to more violence? But while she (and Caligula) is responsible for the choices she made that lead her to that life, she is also (like Caligula) a victim of the circumstances that made those choices even possible.
So, I wonder if her acceptance of Caligula as someone who is damaged and not evil is a realization she's also having about herself?
I love when I get to the end of the episode and I have a new revelation about who Xena is. That always makes for a fun surprise. She really is such a wonderfully complex character and it's wonderful that this late in the game, in a partial comedy episode in the middle of the sixth (and final) season, we can still find new facets of who she is. Awesome. The episode itself isn't bad, either. Nothing to really write home about (though, apparently, enough to write a review about). Alexis Arquette does a good job and the sexy outfits and dancing? They kind of rock, too. And bonus points for the last scene with Xena's statements about the person Caligula was. I think I'll give The God You Know 3.5 out of 5 airlocks.
So here we go!
1) The God You Know begins with Xena and Gabrielle walking through a random field, filled with various dead bodies and general carnage. Man. There sure are a lot of those in the area.
Actually, it's a pretty gruesome scene. Xena is really interesting in that it's a show about violence that rarely shows the true effects of violence, even though Xena's entire backstory is kind of dependent on the idea that she was one of the most violent tyrants/warlords of all time. Still, it's camp so the violence is very rarely played seriously, so the carnage that Gabrielle and Xena encounter in this field is rather unusual and, because it's unusual, it seems extra important.
2) Another clue to its importance is the appearance of archangel Michael, who lets her know that the destruction was caused by Caligula, the new ruler of Rome.
3) Back in Rome central (or whatever the hell you call the palace the rulers of Rome lived in . . . I feel like a true wanker for not knowing what it's called, since I'm a history major and wannabe social studies teacher), Caligula (played awesomely by Alexis Arquette), has Eve and some other Elijans, which sucks for Eve and the Elijans because Caligula hates the Elijans (and, frankly, I don't blame him for that).
Luckily for Eve, before Caligula is able to strike her down, Xena shows up just in time and guess what, you guys?! She's wearing a new outfit! And it's scandalously sexy! (It's probably good I'm finishing up these reviews in six more entries because the longer it takes me to write them, the gayer I become and these'll finish before I get gay to the point where all I do is talk about Xena's shoulders and Gabrielle's midriff.)
4) Xena is about to kill Caligula herself but Ares shoots out of the crowd and stops her.
Now, let's pause here for a moment to remember that Ares is, at this point, mortal because he restored life to Gabrielle and Eve at the penalty of his godhood. He can't take care of Caligula himself and he can't allow Xena to because Caligula has somehow bound himself to Aphrodite. See, there's this thing that happened to her when Ares lost his powers. Something about love and war being somewhat connected, so when Ares lost his power, Aphrodite went kind of . . . strange. And, in her binding to Caligula, she's losing her godly powers and passing them on to him.
Rough.
5) In the chaos, Eve manages to escape with help from Gabrielle, who is wearing a wonderful disguise of a yellow hat. Good one, Gabrielle!
And if I may get shallow for a moment (no, I'm not ogling her abs, though I certainly could), I'm really not digging Gabrielle's hair. It's too . . . feathered? It's an awkward length for her. They should have stuck with the extensions/wig they used at the end of the Norse trilogy, or they should have cut it back to season four length.
6) Xena, we come to find out, has also disguised herself, which explains the sexy lingerie-like outfit and kinky golden mask. She is Saaba, the charioteer and she's come, with help from her yellow hat wearing manager Gabrielle, to challenge Caligula to a race.
7) Caligula takes the bait and invites Gabrielle and Xena to his palace to hang out and have an orgy. Yay! Orgies are the best!
But before they get to that, Xena and Gabrielle bathe together. Naked. Must be any day of the week, amiright? And can we also focus on the fact that Xena is intimately washing Gabrielle's feet? (The second time this season Gabrielle's feet get washed by someone else and, by the way, the first time Xena was totally jealous of the guy who was doing it.) This show is SO FUCKING GAY. I mean, sure. I bet straight girls always bathe naked together and wash each other's extremities. It turns out I'm not a straight girl, so I can't really comment accurately, but I'm sure they do. All the time. Right?
8) During the party, Gabrielle goes to talk to Aphrodite, who's totally out of it on Caligula's sex pillows in the middle of an orgy. She doesn't even recognize Gabrielle. It's kind of sad, actually. Gabrielle and Aphrodite's relationship on the show was kind of unsung in a lot of ways. Aphrodite always seemed to have a bit of a soft spot for the little bard. She even got sad and wore black when Gabrielle got hacked in the head by Xena's chakram and she used her powers to get Xena, Eve, and Gabrielle to Olympus for a chance at saving Gabrielle's life.
Aphrodite's a total ditz who has very few non-material pleasures, so to know that she cares for Gabrielle, and then to have her not even recognize Gabrielle at this point, is rather sad.
9) But she also tries to make out with Gabrielle. Because, once again, this is the GAYEST SHOW OF ALL TIME. Even gayer than The L Word, I swear. Because now, not only are Xena and Gabrielle making all kinds of eye sex at each other, they have other women getting in on the action, too. I mean, I guess there was also Lao Ma and Callisto and M'Lila and Alti but this is even more overt. First there's that viking Valkyrie chick who loves Gabrielle and now Aphrodite! It's lady love all over the place!
10) While Gabrielle is trying to thwart the advances of the goddess of love, Xena visits the dungeon to see Ares. He tells her about Aphrodite, how she's losing her powers to Caligula. It's all very informative and exposition-y.
11) And Gabrielle, in order to avert Caligula's attention from the fact that Xena has showed up at the orgy yet, performs this ridiculous dance filled with fire, grunts, and shield dancing. Totally hot.
12) Xena does eventually show up and Caligula's all pissy and tells her she has to prove that she's worthy of racing by killing Ares (Caligula doesn't know that Ares is THE Ares.) She and Gabrielle think quickly, though, to advance the plot and avoid killing Ares (it's it weird that Ares isn't the antagonist and that he's, in fact, allied with the two for much of the season?), and they "perform" a flooshow that involves a lot of stroking Ares' body (gross) and, in order to tweak Caligula's kinky side, Xena tries to get him on the fact, biting his lip and drawing blood.
Now, of course, Caligula is well on his way to being immortal so . . . Xena's ability to draw blood from him, when knives pierce his body with no ill-effects, is kind of freakish to him. So he, you know, freaks out.
13) After Caligula's cleared the room, Xena tells him that's actually Saaba, Celtic sex goddess. (Where can I learn more about this ancient Celtic religion and make a conversion?) She's looking to slip into the power vacuum left by the death of so many Olympian gods and wants to align with Caligula in order to do so.
Caligula decides to consider it because, as Xena tells him, Saaba's big god power is her ability to kill other gods. It may be risky to keep her around but, by the same token, it's risky to not keep her around.
14) Caligula goes off to think about it and hears his mother insulting him. Dude has serious mommy issues. But in the middle of them he sees Michael, who is now wearing a constant smirk. Ugh. Smugness is not attractive (unless you are Xena. Or Arizona Robbins).
15) Meanwhile, Eve is back at a cave meditating.
Question: What the hell is the point of living if all you do is spend all your time meditating? Such a huge waste.
Anyway, Michael goes to her, too, and lets her know that it's "her time". Basically, he leads her to get captured by Caligula and, once again, right before Caligula's about to kill her, Xena intercedes and, when Eve protests (god, those Elijans are so into that fucking self sacrifice bullshit), Xena punches her! Now, I'm not okay with domestic abuse, but that was pretty satisfying, wasn't it?
Caligula reveals to Xena that Michael (or, as he puts it, a demon with wings) told him that he had to kill Eve. That Michael sure is shady (as are all the smug). Xena manages to convince Caligula that if he's going to kill Eve for this cult of blood, he should at least do it in front of a crowd. It momentarily spares Eve and all is well. For now.
16) While all of this is going down (I'm already laughing at my "going down" pun), Gabrielle is trying to revive Aphrodite. Unfortunately, Michael shows up and kind of tries to kill her. Or so it seems. Xena stops him, of course, because she is kind of like air or god or ants. She's everywhere. In fact, she almost kills him after she accuses him of almost killing her "girlfriends". (Her words, not mine.) She puts the pinch on his (the pinch! On an archangel!) and then nearly drowns him. He admits that he was trying to kill Aphrodite and not Gabrielle, because he wanted to stop Caligula from sucking the last of her powers which would make him a full god, but Xena's unimpressed.
She goes to drown him to get rid of him for good when she's struck by a stream of flames. Oops. There goes her ability to kill gods. Fuck! Now what's she going to do?
17) Especially since Caligula gets one last kiss from Aphrodite, sucking all her powers from her and making himself a full fledged god.
18) Xena has a plan, though. Because she's Xena. She goes to talk to Eve and Eve is predictably whiny. She says, "You can't protect me from all the cruelty in the world forever, mother." Um . . . Eve? Remember when you were Livia? The Bitch of Rome? When you were the one causing the cruelty? I'm not sure Xena can protect you from what you've already done.
Jesus.
19) Still, Xena manages to use Eve in her plan against Caligula. The two of them race and Xena, predictably, wins. She then goes and reveals herself to Caligula as Xena, which I don't really understand. Why not reveal herself in the first place? They could have avoided a lot of trouble. After Caligula stole the last of Aphrodite's powers, the ruse was unnecessary.
Whatever, right?
20) So, Caligula, knowing that Xena has the power to kill gods, sees his death as a foregone conclusion. It's particular obvious that he'll die when Xena reminds him that she killed lots of established Olympians (Poseidon, Hades, Artemis, Athena, etc.) so he, as a newborn god, probably wouldn't pose too much of a problem.
But, of course, Xena no longer has the power to kill gods, so she does her smart Xena thing, and actually convinces Caligula to kill himself (so I guess gods can kill themselves but not each other unless they are . . . Saaba). And Caligula is kind of sad, a lot like a midguided kid, and falls for it and, indeed kills himself.
21) I have to admit that I still don't understand why Caligula (or anyone on the show) is so obsessed with immortality, when in this universe, the afterlife is guaranteed. I mean, I could see if he was afraid to die because he knew he wouldn't be making it to Elysium but they never present it that way. It's always, "I'm afraid to die!", not, "I'm afraid to die because I know I'll be going to Tartarus".
22) After Caligula's death and after they all get the hell out of dodge, Xena admits to Gabrielle that she feels dirty about how Caligula died. She says that Caligula was damaged, not evil. Which is interesting, by the way. They kind of showed that in the episode, I think. First, the scene where Caligula hears his mother insulting him from (presumably) the afterlife and, really, just Alexis Arquette's performance as a whole, which showcases Caligula as kind of . . . Full of bravado and naivety and not particularly malicious to be malicious but malicious to look strong.
But I wonder if Xena sees herself in Caligula? Because I think there are a lot of parallels between that kind of machismo and Xena's own struggles as a warlord. Caligula reminds me a lot, actually, of the Xena was saw in the China episodes in season three. They're both kind of kid-like. Certainly Xena seems much more . . . I don't know. Innately bad? Innately prone to more violence? But while she (and Caligula) is responsible for the choices she made that lead her to that life, she is also (like Caligula) a victim of the circumstances that made those choices even possible.
So, I wonder if her acceptance of Caligula as someone who is damaged and not evil is a realization she's also having about herself?
I love when I get to the end of the episode and I have a new revelation about who Xena is. That always makes for a fun surprise. She really is such a wonderfully complex character and it's wonderful that this late in the game, in a partial comedy episode in the middle of the sixth (and final) season, we can still find new facets of who she is. Awesome. The episode itself isn't bad, either. Nothing to really write home about (though, apparently, enough to write a review about). Alexis Arquette does a good job and the sexy outfits and dancing? They kind of rock, too. And bonus points for the last scene with Xena's statements about the person Caligula was. I think I'll give The God You Know 3.5 out of 5 airlocks.