Happiness 5
Its starting to get colder out. Leaves were falling off the trees, the sky was grayer, The sun going down sooner, and coming up earlier. Today, it was wet, rainy, and cold. The park was empty except for myself, watching the leaves blow around my feet. I was bored and lonely. I had called Maru earlier, asking to hang out, but he said he was busy. My grandparents went into town. I didn't know what to do. I kept my mind occupied, listening to my music. Right then, despite my puffy eyes, I felt fine. No, I felt numb. I closed my eyes and sighed. The wind felt good, actually. It was relaxing.
Then, I felt someone sit beside me. Slightly opening my eyes, I looked over at the person. I almost jumped out of my seat.
"S-Subaru, why do you do that?!"
He didn't even look at me, and answered casually, "Do what?"
"Come out of no where like that!"
"I don't know what you're talking about. But it's a free park, you know. I can sit wherever I want. You just happened to be sitting on the one I chose."
I couldn't really argue with that. "So what're you doing here, anyway?"
"I had to drop Daichi at his practice earlier. Mom doesn't trust him on his own, plus he doesn't have a cell phone. I was on my way to pick him up when I saw you sitting here."
"Well, no one's home at my place, and Maru's busy...so I just decided to sit out here a while. You know, think about stuff."
"Like what?"
"I dont know." I sat back, wrapping my headphones around my mp3. "Whatever comes to mind."
The usual silence fell between us as the wind blew harder. I tightened my hood around my face, keeping my ears warm, and keeping my hair out of my face. But there wasn't much helping Subaru, who's hair had completely covered his face as he struggled to pull it back into a ponytail before the hair tie snapped in frustration.
"If it annoys you that much," I said, handing him a rubber band. "Why don't you cut it?"
"Uh, no. I don't think so. Short hair makes me feel all exposed, you know? Like naked." I just nodded. I didn't really understand, but I could get where he was coming from. "But while we're on appearances, what's with yours?"
"What do you mean?"
"I mean, you dress in really bright clothes and stuff, even your hair is bright. It doesn't match your personality at all." I didn't think about it before. When I had bought these clothes, I was with Maru. I was happier then, much happier. It took a long time to build that happiness up, but took only two days to take it away. "Are you happy, Shota?"
I hesitated. "Yeah, of course I'm happy." I smiled. "I don't get what you're talkinf about at all."
"If you say so." Subaru said, standing from the bench. "Wanna come with me? My mom's bringing home okonomiyake."
Again, I followed to his apartment after picking up his brother. His mom didn't seem to mind I came over without her knowing first, but welcomed me to the table for dinner. The whole time, the two brothers argued and stole each others food, and not before long their mom joined in, too. It was much different than dinner with my grandparents, which were mostly quiet, only the buzz from the TV showing Sumo making noise. Here, it was noisy and playful. I wished I could eat here more often.
After, I got the offer to stay the night. It was rare I stayed the night at anyones house, or, it was rare I ever got invited. I called home to let my grandma know and was able to relax the rest of the night. Most of my thoughts were pushed aside, my mind being distracted by games and random acts of violence. I probably laughed more than I had in a long time. I couldn't even remember the last time. I actually had fun.
By the time we actually decided to sleep, it was almost three in the morning. Subaru's mom had gone to sleep hours ago, and Daichi was sprawled dead on his mattress.
"You don't kick in your sleep, do you?" He asked, starting to lay down.
"How would I know? I've never slept in the same bed as someone before."
"Well, when you wake up are you still under your covers, or are they all the way across the room?"
"Uh,"
"Oh well, it doesn't matter. I'm too tired, anyway. Night."
The room fell silent, except for Daichi's snoring next door. I was tired, very tired, but I couldn't fall asleep. The question Subaru asked me earlier slipped into mind, and wouldn't leave. I didn't like lying. I wasn't a good lier in the first place. As I thought about it, I lied a lot, nothing that would hurt someone or cause trouble, but ones that bothered me inside. What was worse, I was lying to my friends.
"Subaru?" I said, knocking my hand against his. "Subaru, are you awake?"
"Hm?" He hummed, turning a little toward me.
"I lied, earlier..."
"Hm?"
"About being happy. Really...I'm not at all. I thought I was for a while...But it didn't last...I don't think I know how to be happy anymore..."
"I thought so." He turned back around. "But you sure seemed happy tonight."
"I'm having fun, sometimes. But the last time I told someone I was happy being with him, he stopped talking to me."
"Maru, huh." I nodded.
"Yeah...But I dont want to keep lingering on this. You don't know how tired I am of feeling like this."
"Then change. Stop thinking of all the bad things, and focus on the good. Make better memories than the bad."
It was quiet for a minute. "What about you, Subaru? Are you happy?"
"Hm...I've got friends, a decent house, a good family without problems, I don't have anything to complain about." His voice started to drift off. He was falling back asleep. "But there's still something missing..." I felt his hand, then, slide into mind, and hold it tight. I didn't like the fact it made my heart beat pick up. But, it still felt nice. I didn't know what he meant, but it didn't matter. I felt warm, and was finally able to sleep.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I woke up to a sharp pain in the right leg. I moved over, only to be kicked again. I sat up and looked over, to see Subaru only half on the bed, his shirt caught over his head and his pants slipping off. I bit my lip to hold in a laugh, and poked him in the side to try to wake him up. From behind the curtain, Daichi peeked over and gave an evil look. From behind his back he pulled out a half frozen water bottle. I shook my head at him. I really didn't think it would be a good idea. Not everyone is a morning person, and I had no idea how he would wake up. But just from seeing how he acts during the day when Daichi acts up, I really didn't think it was a good idea, but either way he walked forward. I stood, stepping carefully over Subaru's leg.
"Don't do it..." I whispered. He just smirked and kept going, and so did I. I was going to get that bottle.
But soon, I ran out of bed and fell face first onto the floor. I was surprised how loud the noise was. Daichi gasped.
"Daichi." Subaru mumbled. I guess my fall was loud enough to wake him. "What're you doing."
And like he always does, Daichi made up an excuse. "Shota just fell. I heard it and woke up just now."
"Do you really think I'm stupid enough to fall for that?" He sat up, rubbing his eyes. "You lie so much it's not even funny." Daichi sunk away out of the room. "Brat, waking me up early..."
"Sorry..." I mumbled. It was my fault, really, not his brothers because I was clumsy.
"It doesn't matter. I'm awake now, anyway. He got up and started to change his clothes.
"Going somewhere?" I asked. Normally, I didn't get dressed until after I ate, unless I had something important or was running late."
"Yeah, I am. Hina asked me a while ago to hang out, and I almost forgot. I think it would be okay if you came too. If you want, anyway." I wasn't so sure. The last time I met Hina, he didn't seem interested in me. He probably wouldn't even notice I was there.
"Do you really think so?"
"Yeah, besides, you're here already, why go home?"
Hina's house was bigger than Maru's, and I didnt even think that was possible. It looked like a three story, white pillers, giant windows. Again, I felt uncomfortable, like an outsider, going in, trying to fit in, because I knew I wasn't the same and didn't have the same amount of money. But that didn't seem to bother Subaru at all, and he had even less. He let himself in, and I hoped that was okay. In the common room with a TV couches and games and tables all over, Hina sat talking with Maru, of all people. Did Subaru know he was going to be here? Why do this to me? I wondered. I really didn't want to be here anymore.
"What's with you being late all the time?" Hina said, noticing we had entered.
"My bad, I forgot." He went and sat next to Hina, who started to show him a new game or something. I took a cautious seat next to Maru, who looked a little uneasy now, too.
"So...What were you busy with, Maru?" I asked, wanting to make conversation, wanting to know why he couldn't hang out yesterday.
"Uhm, homework..."
"We didn't have any." It hurt he would lie so blatantly to me. "Why don't you want to talk to me, Maru? I thought we were friends."
Maru sighed and took my wrist. "Come here." He took me out of the room and through a few hall ways, until we were far enough from the others so they wouldn't hear."
"Look, Shota, I'm just not sure right now. I mean, obviously you did mean your feelings, otherwise, why would you be so insistent about all of this?"
"I just don't get why...why you're acting the way you are toward me..."
"What are you talking about?"
"You don't talk to me anymore. You lie about what you have to do so we can't hang out. I don't get why you're being like this. It's not like I'm going to do anything to you. You already rejected me. Are you going to reject our friendship now too?" Maru didn't say anything. He didn't even look at me. I figured, if we really were still friends he would have answered. "I didn't think you were the type of guy to just throw out a friend so easily. But if thats the way you want it, fine. I'll stop bothering you and making you uncomfortable. I still have Subaru as a friend, and thats enough." I walked away, back to the main room where the other two were attached to a video game. I sat in the corner of the couch, curled myself up hoping neither of them would notice how hurt I felt. I didn't want to be asked what was wrong. I already felt like crying, and I wasn't about to, not now, not in front of Maru. I decided I wouldn't think about it anymore. I would stop letting it bother me, stop letting it get me down. There was no point. I decided to just give up.
Then, I felt someone sit beside me. Slightly opening my eyes, I looked over at the person. I almost jumped out of my seat.
"S-Subaru, why do you do that?!"
He didn't even look at me, and answered casually, "Do what?"
"Come out of no where like that!"
"I don't know what you're talking about. But it's a free park, you know. I can sit wherever I want. You just happened to be sitting on the one I chose."
I couldn't really argue with that. "So what're you doing here, anyway?"
"I had to drop Daichi at his practice earlier. Mom doesn't trust him on his own, plus he doesn't have a cell phone. I was on my way to pick him up when I saw you sitting here."
"Well, no one's home at my place, and Maru's busy...so I just decided to sit out here a while. You know, think about stuff."
"Like what?"
"I dont know." I sat back, wrapping my headphones around my mp3. "Whatever comes to mind."
The usual silence fell between us as the wind blew harder. I tightened my hood around my face, keeping my ears warm, and keeping my hair out of my face. But there wasn't much helping Subaru, who's hair had completely covered his face as he struggled to pull it back into a ponytail before the hair tie snapped in frustration.
"If it annoys you that much," I said, handing him a rubber band. "Why don't you cut it?"
"Uh, no. I don't think so. Short hair makes me feel all exposed, you know? Like naked." I just nodded. I didn't really understand, but I could get where he was coming from. "But while we're on appearances, what's with yours?"
"What do you mean?"
"I mean, you dress in really bright clothes and stuff, even your hair is bright. It doesn't match your personality at all." I didn't think about it before. When I had bought these clothes, I was with Maru. I was happier then, much happier. It took a long time to build that happiness up, but took only two days to take it away. "Are you happy, Shota?"
I hesitated. "Yeah, of course I'm happy." I smiled. "I don't get what you're talkinf about at all."
"If you say so." Subaru said, standing from the bench. "Wanna come with me? My mom's bringing home okonomiyake."
Again, I followed to his apartment after picking up his brother. His mom didn't seem to mind I came over without her knowing first, but welcomed me to the table for dinner. The whole time, the two brothers argued and stole each others food, and not before long their mom joined in, too. It was much different than dinner with my grandparents, which were mostly quiet, only the buzz from the TV showing Sumo making noise. Here, it was noisy and playful. I wished I could eat here more often.
After, I got the offer to stay the night. It was rare I stayed the night at anyones house, or, it was rare I ever got invited. I called home to let my grandma know and was able to relax the rest of the night. Most of my thoughts were pushed aside, my mind being distracted by games and random acts of violence. I probably laughed more than I had in a long time. I couldn't even remember the last time. I actually had fun.
By the time we actually decided to sleep, it was almost three in the morning. Subaru's mom had gone to sleep hours ago, and Daichi was sprawled dead on his mattress.
"You don't kick in your sleep, do you?" He asked, starting to lay down.
"How would I know? I've never slept in the same bed as someone before."
"Well, when you wake up are you still under your covers, or are they all the way across the room?"
"Uh,"
"Oh well, it doesn't matter. I'm too tired, anyway. Night."
The room fell silent, except for Daichi's snoring next door. I was tired, very tired, but I couldn't fall asleep. The question Subaru asked me earlier slipped into mind, and wouldn't leave. I didn't like lying. I wasn't a good lier in the first place. As I thought about it, I lied a lot, nothing that would hurt someone or cause trouble, but ones that bothered me inside. What was worse, I was lying to my friends.
"Subaru?" I said, knocking my hand against his. "Subaru, are you awake?"
"Hm?" He hummed, turning a little toward me.
"I lied, earlier..."
"Hm?"
"About being happy. Really...I'm not at all. I thought I was for a while...But it didn't last...I don't think I know how to be happy anymore..."
"I thought so." He turned back around. "But you sure seemed happy tonight."
"I'm having fun, sometimes. But the last time I told someone I was happy being with him, he stopped talking to me."
"Maru, huh." I nodded.
"Yeah...But I dont want to keep lingering on this. You don't know how tired I am of feeling like this."
"Then change. Stop thinking of all the bad things, and focus on the good. Make better memories than the bad."
It was quiet for a minute. "What about you, Subaru? Are you happy?"
"Hm...I've got friends, a decent house, a good family without problems, I don't have anything to complain about." His voice started to drift off. He was falling back asleep. "But there's still something missing..." I felt his hand, then, slide into mind, and hold it tight. I didn't like the fact it made my heart beat pick up. But, it still felt nice. I didn't know what he meant, but it didn't matter. I felt warm, and was finally able to sleep.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I woke up to a sharp pain in the right leg. I moved over, only to be kicked again. I sat up and looked over, to see Subaru only half on the bed, his shirt caught over his head and his pants slipping off. I bit my lip to hold in a laugh, and poked him in the side to try to wake him up. From behind the curtain, Daichi peeked over and gave an evil look. From behind his back he pulled out a half frozen water bottle. I shook my head at him. I really didn't think it would be a good idea. Not everyone is a morning person, and I had no idea how he would wake up. But just from seeing how he acts during the day when Daichi acts up, I really didn't think it was a good idea, but either way he walked forward. I stood, stepping carefully over Subaru's leg.
"Don't do it..." I whispered. He just smirked and kept going, and so did I. I was going to get that bottle.
But soon, I ran out of bed and fell face first onto the floor. I was surprised how loud the noise was. Daichi gasped.
"Daichi." Subaru mumbled. I guess my fall was loud enough to wake him. "What're you doing."
And like he always does, Daichi made up an excuse. "Shota just fell. I heard it and woke up just now."
"Do you really think I'm stupid enough to fall for that?" He sat up, rubbing his eyes. "You lie so much it's not even funny." Daichi sunk away out of the room. "Brat, waking me up early..."
"Sorry..." I mumbled. It was my fault, really, not his brothers because I was clumsy.
"It doesn't matter. I'm awake now, anyway. He got up and started to change his clothes.
"Going somewhere?" I asked. Normally, I didn't get dressed until after I ate, unless I had something important or was running late."
"Yeah, I am. Hina asked me a while ago to hang out, and I almost forgot. I think it would be okay if you came too. If you want, anyway." I wasn't so sure. The last time I met Hina, he didn't seem interested in me. He probably wouldn't even notice I was there.
"Do you really think so?"
"Yeah, besides, you're here already, why go home?"
Hina's house was bigger than Maru's, and I didnt even think that was possible. It looked like a three story, white pillers, giant windows. Again, I felt uncomfortable, like an outsider, going in, trying to fit in, because I knew I wasn't the same and didn't have the same amount of money. But that didn't seem to bother Subaru at all, and he had even less. He let himself in, and I hoped that was okay. In the common room with a TV couches and games and tables all over, Hina sat talking with Maru, of all people. Did Subaru know he was going to be here? Why do this to me? I wondered. I really didn't want to be here anymore.
"What's with you being late all the time?" Hina said, noticing we had entered.
"My bad, I forgot." He went and sat next to Hina, who started to show him a new game or something. I took a cautious seat next to Maru, who looked a little uneasy now, too.
"So...What were you busy with, Maru?" I asked, wanting to make conversation, wanting to know why he couldn't hang out yesterday.
"Uhm, homework..."
"We didn't have any." It hurt he would lie so blatantly to me. "Why don't you want to talk to me, Maru? I thought we were friends."
Maru sighed and took my wrist. "Come here." He took me out of the room and through a few hall ways, until we were far enough from the others so they wouldn't hear."
"Look, Shota, I'm just not sure right now. I mean, obviously you did mean your feelings, otherwise, why would you be so insistent about all of this?"
"I just don't get why...why you're acting the way you are toward me..."
"What are you talking about?"
"You don't talk to me anymore. You lie about what you have to do so we can't hang out. I don't get why you're being like this. It's not like I'm going to do anything to you. You already rejected me. Are you going to reject our friendship now too?" Maru didn't say anything. He didn't even look at me. I figured, if we really were still friends he would have answered. "I didn't think you were the type of guy to just throw out a friend so easily. But if thats the way you want it, fine. I'll stop bothering you and making you uncomfortable. I still have Subaru as a friend, and thats enough." I walked away, back to the main room where the other two were attached to a video game. I sat in the corner of the couch, curled myself up hoping neither of them would notice how hurt I felt. I didn't want to be asked what was wrong. I already felt like crying, and I wasn't about to, not now, not in front of Maru. I decided I wouldn't think about it anymore. I would stop letting it bother me, stop letting it get me down. There was no point. I decided to just give up.