(no subject)
So here I am, three days from spring break. I think what I'm most looking forward to is the mornings when my parents are both at work and my house is silent and I can just walk down my hallway and sit in the silence and watch the birds outside or how my dog breathes when he's asleep and sometimes how he makes little noises and kicks his feet because he's dreaming of chasing the birds outside or the day when my cat will finally return his hopeful little doggy love.
Somehow, I don't know how I did this, I managed to make a choice last night. I had been quasi seeing this guy who is probably the most fucked up person I have ever met, and who hurt me more than pretty much anyone I have ever met, and who I always went back to because, again, I've never met anyone else like him. Last night I was over in his room and we were talking about how he doesn't care about anything. He can't cry and he can't think of anything that he truly cares about, that he would really care about if it was gone. Everything is just apathy and whatever. At the beginning of this quasi seeing each other state, I think he cared about me, but now I don't know what he thinks about me. He couldn't even fight for me, he couldn't even defend himself, he just let me walk out the door. It was all very tragic.
On the upside, I feel like I was uncharacteristically eloquent in our breaking up. What the hell, we broke up and we had never even started anything?! He just stood there, against the wall, with his head down as I put my coat on. I told him that this was best, he probably would've hurt me eventually, and I can't let my heart break anymore. It has been shattered, stomped on, spit on, ground into the floor, burned up, danced on, and crumbled into dust. It's time to give it a rest. I told him even if he didn't care about me, I would always care about him, in true Teresa fashion. It's the truth, as it always is, but this time I know I can't care enough for the both of us. At this point in my life, I am depressed and exhausted, and I struggle just to make it through the day, a relationship like this was just tearing me up into bits.
Oh my god, I miss him even now. How does this happen? How do we go through all of our lives doing this? The thing I have been struggling with this semester is telling people what I want and doing it, because in my "I'll always care for you" demeanor, I let everyone step on me. Really, I do. I worry about everyone constantly, I have to restrain myself from asking my therapist if everything is okay and would she like to talk about it? I do things even if I don't want to just because someone else wants me to do it. If I had just walked away from doing something I didn't want to before, I think my life would be much happier today. If I had just said what I wanted 3 months ago, would I be as depressed as I am now?
I have to go. I woke up this morning and forgot what had happened last night. I'm really sad now. I wish things were better. I wish he had struggled to have kept me there. I wish he would have followed me out onto the street at 3 am and grabbed my arm and then beautiful spring rain would start falling and it would wash away all of the bad shit between us and we'd start all over and I'd be happy again because magical spring rain always washes away bad memories and bad thoughts about yourself. And then I would have woken up this morning and started a whole new life. The trick is, you have to make your own goddamn rain to change your own freakin life.
"Yes if there's roads I'll take them. I'll go up all those roads till I find what I want. I want a love that uses me, that needs me. Don't you think there's a world full of joyful men and women? Why must all men live afraid to laugh and sing? Can't we sing at work and love our work? It's getting late to play at life, I want to live it. Something has to feel real for me, more than both of you..."
Somehow, I don't know how I did this, I managed to make a choice last night. I had been quasi seeing this guy who is probably the most fucked up person I have ever met, and who hurt me more than pretty much anyone I have ever met, and who I always went back to because, again, I've never met anyone else like him. Last night I was over in his room and we were talking about how he doesn't care about anything. He can't cry and he can't think of anything that he truly cares about, that he would really care about if it was gone. Everything is just apathy and whatever. At the beginning of this quasi seeing each other state, I think he cared about me, but now I don't know what he thinks about me. He couldn't even fight for me, he couldn't even defend himself, he just let me walk out the door. It was all very tragic.
On the upside, I feel like I was uncharacteristically eloquent in our breaking up. What the hell, we broke up and we had never even started anything?! He just stood there, against the wall, with his head down as I put my coat on. I told him that this was best, he probably would've hurt me eventually, and I can't let my heart break anymore. It has been shattered, stomped on, spit on, ground into the floor, burned up, danced on, and crumbled into dust. It's time to give it a rest. I told him even if he didn't care about me, I would always care about him, in true Teresa fashion. It's the truth, as it always is, but this time I know I can't care enough for the both of us. At this point in my life, I am depressed and exhausted, and I struggle just to make it through the day, a relationship like this was just tearing me up into bits.
Oh my god, I miss him even now. How does this happen? How do we go through all of our lives doing this? The thing I have been struggling with this semester is telling people what I want and doing it, because in my "I'll always care for you" demeanor, I let everyone step on me. Really, I do. I worry about everyone constantly, I have to restrain myself from asking my therapist if everything is okay and would she like to talk about it? I do things even if I don't want to just because someone else wants me to do it. If I had just walked away from doing something I didn't want to before, I think my life would be much happier today. If I had just said what I wanted 3 months ago, would I be as depressed as I am now?
I have to go. I woke up this morning and forgot what had happened last night. I'm really sad now. I wish things were better. I wish he had struggled to have kept me there. I wish he would have followed me out onto the street at 3 am and grabbed my arm and then beautiful spring rain would start falling and it would wash away all of the bad shit between us and we'd start all over and I'd be happy again because magical spring rain always washes away bad memories and bad thoughts about yourself. And then I would have woken up this morning and started a whole new life. The trick is, you have to make your own goddamn rain to change your own freakin life.
"Yes if there's roads I'll take them. I'll go up all those roads till I find what I want. I want a love that uses me, that needs me. Don't you think there's a world full of joyful men and women? Why must all men live afraid to laugh and sing? Can't we sing at work and love our work? It's getting late to play at life, I want to live it. Something has to feel real for me, more than both of you..."