(no subject)
So here I am.
I haven't gone to my regular non-studio classes all week. I decided to take snow days. I started this semester pretty wrecked as it is (my apologies to steve and shawna, because i acted pretty bitchy to both of you, but i know you both understood because you've had your depressed periods as well) and on monday my grandfather died. It was my dad's dad, he lived over at a nursing home in conshohocken, and even though I promised I would try never to talk about really serious stuff online and I feel like everyone here is asking me what happened and how I feel and I don't even want to talk about it anymore except I feel like I'm eating myself alive with pain and sadness and I want to just purge myself finally because I'm sick of it.
He had alzheimer's, which in my opinion rates up there with suicide, rape, and child molestation because everything you have ever known, all of your memories, all of your happy moments and all of the people you love, how to sit, how to talk, how to eat, everything that the world means to you fades away like sleep in the morning, nothing is sacred, and everything you are disappears. It is one of the saddest things I have ever had the unfortunate chance to witness. My grandfather was a doctor and he opened up his own clinic in Florida that my parents worked at their first years of marriage and he and my grandmother funded and ran the first Meals on Wheels in their county. He was a wonderful man in that respect, although he pushed almost all of his six children away from him in the course of his lifetime because he was self-absorbed and at times bad to my grandmother.
But after he started losing his memory I only remember him being sweet and kind. I kissed him hello and goodbye every time I saw him and he would always laugh and say "You are so beautiful" except it would take him a while to remember the words and then I would always laugh and say "It's good genes, grandpa." I remember the night of Steve's dad's funeral, and I was sitting on the sofa in my house, waiting for my ride, I think it was ben or avi, and I was just sitting there crying and my granpa came in and sat down beside me and I told him my friend's dad died and I was really sad, and he didn't know what to do, I don't think he even really understood, but he patted my knee and waited with me. And I used to worry that one day when he would die, I wouldn't cry and that really upset me. Now it turns out I can't stop.
I feel like when I get up in the morning, I've already been up for a day, and so I feel exhausted all the time. I'm coming home this weekend. I'm just too sad.
I'm sorry for this, that it's so sad and it's so inappropriately placed online, but I guess there's some kind of comfort in releasing your emotions into the void, i'm giving them away so maybe someone could tell me what to do with what's left of myself.
I have horrible dreams about losing my father or my other grandfather, he's the one you all know. He plays the mandolin and he suggests books to me and he waxes philosophical and I don't think I can do without him. Oh God, I feel wiped out now. Oh i have to go now this hurts too much.
I haven't gone to my regular non-studio classes all week. I decided to take snow days. I started this semester pretty wrecked as it is (my apologies to steve and shawna, because i acted pretty bitchy to both of you, but i know you both understood because you've had your depressed periods as well) and on monday my grandfather died. It was my dad's dad, he lived over at a nursing home in conshohocken, and even though I promised I would try never to talk about really serious stuff online and I feel like everyone here is asking me what happened and how I feel and I don't even want to talk about it anymore except I feel like I'm eating myself alive with pain and sadness and I want to just purge myself finally because I'm sick of it.
He had alzheimer's, which in my opinion rates up there with suicide, rape, and child molestation because everything you have ever known, all of your memories, all of your happy moments and all of the people you love, how to sit, how to talk, how to eat, everything that the world means to you fades away like sleep in the morning, nothing is sacred, and everything you are disappears. It is one of the saddest things I have ever had the unfortunate chance to witness. My grandfather was a doctor and he opened up his own clinic in Florida that my parents worked at their first years of marriage and he and my grandmother funded and ran the first Meals on Wheels in their county. He was a wonderful man in that respect, although he pushed almost all of his six children away from him in the course of his lifetime because he was self-absorbed and at times bad to my grandmother.
But after he started losing his memory I only remember him being sweet and kind. I kissed him hello and goodbye every time I saw him and he would always laugh and say "You are so beautiful" except it would take him a while to remember the words and then I would always laugh and say "It's good genes, grandpa." I remember the night of Steve's dad's funeral, and I was sitting on the sofa in my house, waiting for my ride, I think it was ben or avi, and I was just sitting there crying and my granpa came in and sat down beside me and I told him my friend's dad died and I was really sad, and he didn't know what to do, I don't think he even really understood, but he patted my knee and waited with me. And I used to worry that one day when he would die, I wouldn't cry and that really upset me. Now it turns out I can't stop.
I feel like when I get up in the morning, I've already been up for a day, and so I feel exhausted all the time. I'm coming home this weekend. I'm just too sad.
I'm sorry for this, that it's so sad and it's so inappropriately placed online, but I guess there's some kind of comfort in releasing your emotions into the void, i'm giving them away so maybe someone could tell me what to do with what's left of myself.
I have horrible dreams about losing my father or my other grandfather, he's the one you all know. He plays the mandolin and he suggests books to me and he waxes philosophical and I don't think I can do without him. Oh God, I feel wiped out now. Oh i have to go now this hurts too much.