Set Fire to the Homeless to Heat Our Swimming Pools
There are a lot of problems in America today and most of them can be traced to the policies of the liberals and the liberal controlled media. One thing you won't hear about much on the evening news is a little story about something that happened to me personally. I was driving into town to go to the grocery store in my brand new Ford Exhibition, it was raining very slightly inside the truck because my breath had condensed and formed rain-bearing cloud cover near the dome light a few hundred feet above my head. Normally I do not drive myself nor do I have to go to the grocery store and buy things, that's why I have nameless Mexican employees, but it was some Mexican holiday or they were being lazy as usual so it was up to me to purchase the meat trays for my wife's dinner party.
I had pulled up to a stop light, which my vague memory of driving myself told me was something I needed to halt at until it turned green. My thoughts were full of America as usual, things like George Washington, Abraham Lincoln, the Constitution, and the mandatory sterilization of the retarded. Suddenly a screeching toothless vagrant began pawing violently at my car with some sort of filth-wand that was dripping disgusting fluid all over my windshield. I turned on the wiper blades in the hopes that the sound of the diesel turbines that power their 16-foot armatures would frighten the derelict away. Unfortunately the man-beast only redoubled his efforts, howling incoherently and making motions which I believe meant he wanted to rape or eat me. Luckily my state has a concealed carry law and as usual I had my trusty Scorpion machine-pistol tucked inside my jacket pocket. For personal defense I like to carry incendiary man-stopper ammunition, because the stopping power of the shell combined with the fact that a hit causes the person to catch on fire is usually enough to save me from my many attackers.
I held a dollar bill up to the window and rolled it halfway down. As the vagrant approached I raised the barrel of my gun and emptied half a clip of 9mm HP-I into its face. Folks, let me tell you, never have I seen a more beautiful sight than a violent hobo burning in the streets of my city. The flames that issued from the creature's head were nearly white and the street around it was beginning to bubble and crack with the heat of the fire. The homeless carry within them a powerful secret, and one that may just provide us with decades of cheap energy.
I would like to establish, through these statistics that I have collected from a number of highly reputable sources and then used to draw ridiculously unrelated conclusions, that the homeless are both a menace and a limitless source of energy.
As you can see from these unbiased statistics the homeless are a menace!
In a 1996 study conducted by the Justice Department entitled "Locations of Crime" it was determined that 85.6% of violent crime was committed outside of the home of the victim. Only 14.4% of violent crimes was perpetrated within the home of the victim. I think we can establish with good faith that "outside the home" means people who have been preyed upon by the criminal homeless population. The only violent crime where normal citizens lead the homeless in overall numbers is domestic violence, and this can easily be attributed to the fact that in most states the homeless are not allowed to get married. In a related study conducted by the Federal Employment Commission in 1997 it was revealed that as unemployment increased so did the number of homeless and so did the number of violent crimes. This undeniably establishes that not only are the homeless the biggest threat to our safety these days, but also that those without gainful employment, even when coddled by the criminal welfare and unemployment systems, are more likely to become criminals.
As you can see from these unbiased statistics the homeless are a wonderful power source!
Now let's look at some facts about energy production. The most common unit of measurement for potential energy in items is calories, which represents the amount of energy which can be derived from something by burning it. Coal, for example, has a mere 75 calories per pound, yet it is one of the most widely used fuel sources in the United States. Reactor-grade uranium has even fewer calories at only 30 per pound, and solar power, which the environmentalists seem to love so much, has an almost criminal zero calories per pound, making it essentially worthless as an energy source. As you can see by my diagram, the homeless top the charts of energy sources with over 4,000 calories per pound, even more if they are refined! This discovery was monumental and will hopefully revolutionize both the criminal justice system and the power industry. Imagine cars running on clean-burning hobo power, entire cities being lighted for weeks on the energy produced by immolating a single derelict! With a few simple calculations I have determined that my Ford Exhibition will get almost three miles to the pound of hobo meat, almost a thousand times more efficient than diesel fuel!
I can heat my Olympic-sized outdoor swimming pool for an entire winter using only a single hobo, jobless person, or homosexual. You can expect any attempt by the righteous-right to enact policy regarding this walking fuel source to be stalled in committee by the Hitlercrats and Adolph Daschel.
We Must Take All the Guns to Save Our Babies!
This girl is crying because guns killed her family.
Columbine, John F. Kennedy, Ruby Ridge, the list of victims of gun violence could go on for pages, yet thanks to a Republican party completely in the pocket of the NRA lobby we have virtually no chance of taking our babies out of harm's way. While the blood of our children and our friends runs through the streets like so much water the Republicans do nothing but sit in their ivory towers counting money in a briefcase hand-delivered by Charlton Heston. The only way we can change this horrible situation is by voting for people who support gun legislation that gets the guns out of the hands of people who don't know how to use them and put them back in the hands of people who do; the police, the military, and my personal bodyguards. Remember that people don't kill people, guns break into your house and rape you and then shoot you.
Let me appeal to your irrational emotional side by conveying an event that was related to me by a young girl in the ghetto and to which I can provide no factual backing. I spend a lot of time at community outreach facilities like Midnight Basketball and The Harlem Girl's School of Fencing, so I know exactly what it's like on the streets. I was introduced to a young girl, we will call her "Sally" to make it even more impossible for critics to disprove this story. She had a fighting spirit, she was getting excellent grades in school, and she belonged to a number of extracurricular activities. She achieved all of this despite her tragic physical ailments which included only having one eye, her entire face being covered with disfiguring acid scars, having two artificial legs, an artificial arm, and a pacemaker. In the bullet-pocked shelter of the "Little Ladies School for Synchronized Swimming" young "Sally" told me her sad story.
This puppy is crying because guns killed his owners and he was forced to live off of their rotting corpses for over a month.
In 1995, at the tender age of seven, little "Sally" was watching her younger brother in the living room of her home. Her mother was in the kitchen preparing dinner and her father was fast asleep on the couch after a hard day of honest work helping the neighborhood mysterious glass vial dealer. Suddenly armed white gunmen burst into the home, they were hunters who were very drunk and they had mistaken the house for a duck blind. They then proceeded to drunkenly mistake "Sally" and her entire family for particularly large and slow-moving ducks. The blasted "Sally" and her little brother with over a hundred rounds of Tech-9 ammunition, grievously injuring her and killing her brother instantly. Before he father had a chance to leap to his feet he too was gunned down. The intoxicated hunters then ran into the kitchen and sexually assaulted "Sally's" mother before shooting her execution-style. This all happened because a few drunken hunters who legally purchased their firearms had mistaken a hard-working American family for several ducks.
You would think the conservatives and particularly Johndolph Hitlercroft at the Justice Department would do something to safeguard the lives of our precious babies from guns, but instead they seem to think that these crazy people have a right to have them! For example, here is a quote from a post-September 11th speech given by John Ashcroft.
"Guns...isn't the problem…everyone…should have…a…gun. I feel…nothing…but hatred…for African Americans today and hope…that they…were killed by secondary explosions in the building."
- John Ashcroft.
If that is not the most despicable quote I have ever heard I simply don't know what is! Shame on you Republicans for voting for the man that put this man into office! As conscientious citizens of this proud nation we must act and act quickly to take every single gun out of the home, every single pistol away from every single mall cop, and every single black powder rifle away from every single vile civil war reenactor.
Chapter Three - We Need to Blow Up Every Filthy Towel-Head
The terrorists have tried once too often to take our freedom away, because they hate freedom. I know it's a difficult concept to understand because freedom seems like such a good thing, but you only enjoy freedom because you are an American. If you're not an American then you can't understand how good freedom is so you might as well stop reading now or try to become a citizen of America.
As you can see from this survey those filthy towel-heads hate freedom.
I hear all this bunkum about "Allah this" and "Koran that" and all of these knock-kneed liberal wimps spouting out how Islam is a religion of peace. If Islam is a religion of peace than my name is Bill Clinton! In the mid-east Islam teaches people to hate freedom, to want to destroy symbols of freedom like the constitution, the President, Sony Trinitrons, and McDonalds' Big Macs. It places no value on human life and therefore its subjects willingly die just so they can attack the freedom that we all love here in America. What these Arabs fail to realize is that the USA is, in fact, number one. In a recent survey conducted by George Washington Constitution Christian University in the filthy Islamic stronghold of Jordan every single person asked said that they hated freedom.
Did you know that Saddam Hussein once had a hundred women shot for not wearing the appropriate color of socks? He's as bad as Hitler, no, he's worse! At least Hitler did some good things for Germany like turning the economy around and kicking France's faggot ass. Saddam Hussein would never kick France's ass, he's too busy buying weapons of mass destruction from the French and using them to kill his own citizens by the thousands. Saddam Hussein is a Triple Hitler at the very least, possibly as bad as a Quadruple Hitler.
Just look at them! They are EVIL!
I hear the liberals and peaceniks moaning and whining about "oh don't bomb the precious babies of Iraq" and bull pucky like that, but Saddam is hiding his weapons of mass destruction somewhere and when we find them we are going to unleash the might of America on Saddam. The game of hide and seek is over!
Meanwhile you've got Senate Democrats like Tom Dopeschel and Dick Blackhardt telling people that the Iraqi people need hugs and food and not bombs? What is that crap? The whole of the Middle East needs to be turned into a plane of glass with nuclear weapons, we can build some big underground bunker for the Jews in Israel so they don't die from the fallout. The Jews sort of understand what freedom is about, they don't love it, well unless they're Americans, but they know how bad not having freedom can be.
In summary we need to stop letting the UN hold us back with their namby-pamby sissy work and turn these backwards hateful countries into a series of craters.
Chapter Four - The Filthy Towel-Heads Are a Wonderful Civilization
Iraq's President Saddam Hussein shows his winning and honest smile.
I am indignant - nay - outraged at this supposed "war against terrorism" extending into Iraq. Wasn't it bad enough that we dropped hundreds of bombs on the innocent people of Afghanistan? Didn't they bleed enough to slake your thirst for death President George W Bushanti-Christ?! While the callous braying of the Republicans can be heard throughout congress and the senate, demanding more corpses on the altar of the oil barons and the military contractors, the Democrats are standing idly by doing nothing. They fear accusations of being unpatriotic, they fear losing their voting public, and they have lost all will to oppose the powers-that-be. I am telling you now, WAKE UP DEMOCRATS, wake up America too! This has to stop before our military crushes and bullies another nation under its heel.
I hear Islam getting blamed by the talking heads of the right, while the president claims it isn't a religious war he may as well since he's rounding up everyone with brown skin and putting them in camps without trial! Islam is a religion of peace, it has a proud tradition of tolerance and intellectualism. Just because a few crackpots on the fringe are killing in the name of Islam doesn't mean that Islam as a whole is to blame. What about the Crusades, the Spanish Inquisition, Walt Disney, and the TV show "7th Heaven"? Should all of Christianity be blamed for these attacks against all of humanity? Of course not, and neither should the worshippers and religion of Islam!
To get a feel for this sort of "Anti-Islam" attitude growing in the United States, I traveled to Iraq and interviewed some people on the streets. What I found was not a hateful nation driven by anti-American feelings, it was rather a people broken by lack of food and medical supplies thanks to outlandish UN sanctions. The people of Iraq love peace, and so does their leader Saddam Hussein. He has been demonized by the press here but I managed to land a brief interview with him in an effort to get the word out about how the current administration here was skewing his words and painting an inaccurate picture of him for propaganda purposes.
Me: Mr. Hussein, it's a pleasure to meet a humanitarian such as yourself. How do you feel about President George W. Bush?
Saddam: I feel he should be skewered on a burning pike and his entrails emptied out upon the ground. He is a despicable man whose father tried to beat me and could not.
Me: Yes, I see, what do you plan to do if the United States invades Iraq?
Saddam: I will send millions of American soldiers home in body bags just like I did during the last war that the Americans completely lost, those imperialist swine.
Me: Well, there's probably only going to be a few hundred thousand soldiers so-
Saddam: SILENCE! Still your tongue or I will have it chewed off by snakes and have your fingers sliced off with razors!
Me: Mr. Hussein, is it true that you killed thousands of Kurds with a poison gas attack?
Saddam: I am a man of peace and so are the people of Iraq. The Kurds were victims of the Zionist regime of Israel, who disguised their warplanes as ours and killed our own people. As if I would ever hurt one of my own citizens!
Me: Well it is rumored that you killed one of your own sons and several of your wives.
Saddam: Allah willed their deaths, not me.
As you can plainly see from this interview Saddam Hussein is a peace loving man who wants no part in a war with the United States. I think President George W. Bush needs to take a long and hard look at himself before he accuses Saddam of being a part of the "Axis of Evil".
Epilogue - I Am Illiterate and That's Why I Have a Radio and/or TV Show
The author: Daring Armstrong.
Writing a book has been a dream of mine for years and I am glad that it has been finally realized. I have a lot of fans, apparently because the rest of America is as fucking unbelievably stupid as I am, but I've never felt satisfied. This is because I am illiterate and therefore limited to the realms of radio and TV where I can get by, with some difficulty, without knowing how to read or write. It's not that I'm dyslexic either; I am just that stupid and lazy. I'm also hateful towards people who have less/more than me for no good reason. I think it's based on ridiculous feelings of class inadequacy that has been created by those scumbag liberals/conservatives. But now that I have a highly-paid ghost writer I am able to get my thoughts out to those who are smarter than me and can do things like read and comprehend politics without resorting to venomous invective.
I would like to take a moment to thank those who have helped me with this book. First and foremost is Satan, who has given me the opportunity to sell him my soul in order to gain nation-wide popularity for my gas-bag opinions and inflammatory demagoguery. Thanks also go out to the Democrats/Republicans who have supported me all these years. Where they temper their extremist beliefs I never do, providing a shadow behind the party which the party itself can point to when in the public eye and say "see, we aren't as bad as this guy". Thanks also to my mother and father who gave birth to me despite the urgings of every single fortune-teller who advised them to have an immediate abortion. I may or may not support choice/baby-murders, but either way I'm glad that you two did not choose/baby-murder me.
Most of all I would like to thank the reader/listener/viewer for being so easily foiled into believing the words that spill out of my rotten head and mouth parts. Half the time I have no idea what the living fuck I'm saying and the other half of the time I'm lying just to see if you guys actually fall for it. And thanks, because you always do.
I had pulled up to a stop light, which my vague memory of driving myself told me was something I needed to halt at until it turned green. My thoughts were full of America as usual, things like George Washington, Abraham Lincoln, the Constitution, and the mandatory sterilization of the retarded. Suddenly a screeching toothless vagrant began pawing violently at my car with some sort of filth-wand that was dripping disgusting fluid all over my windshield. I turned on the wiper blades in the hopes that the sound of the diesel turbines that power their 16-foot armatures would frighten the derelict away. Unfortunately the man-beast only redoubled his efforts, howling incoherently and making motions which I believe meant he wanted to rape or eat me. Luckily my state has a concealed carry law and as usual I had my trusty Scorpion machine-pistol tucked inside my jacket pocket. For personal defense I like to carry incendiary man-stopper ammunition, because the stopping power of the shell combined with the fact that a hit causes the person to catch on fire is usually enough to save me from my many attackers.
I held a dollar bill up to the window and rolled it halfway down. As the vagrant approached I raised the barrel of my gun and emptied half a clip of 9mm HP-I into its face. Folks, let me tell you, never have I seen a more beautiful sight than a violent hobo burning in the streets of my city. The flames that issued from the creature's head were nearly white and the street around it was beginning to bubble and crack with the heat of the fire. The homeless carry within them a powerful secret, and one that may just provide us with decades of cheap energy.
I would like to establish, through these statistics that I have collected from a number of highly reputable sources and then used to draw ridiculously unrelated conclusions, that the homeless are both a menace and a limitless source of energy.
As you can see from these unbiased statistics the homeless are a menace!
In a 1996 study conducted by the Justice Department entitled "Locations of Crime" it was determined that 85.6% of violent crime was committed outside of the home of the victim. Only 14.4% of violent crimes was perpetrated within the home of the victim. I think we can establish with good faith that "outside the home" means people who have been preyed upon by the criminal homeless population. The only violent crime where normal citizens lead the homeless in overall numbers is domestic violence, and this can easily be attributed to the fact that in most states the homeless are not allowed to get married. In a related study conducted by the Federal Employment Commission in 1997 it was revealed that as unemployment increased so did the number of homeless and so did the number of violent crimes. This undeniably establishes that not only are the homeless the biggest threat to our safety these days, but also that those without gainful employment, even when coddled by the criminal welfare and unemployment systems, are more likely to become criminals.
As you can see from these unbiased statistics the homeless are a wonderful power source!
Now let's look at some facts about energy production. The most common unit of measurement for potential energy in items is calories, which represents the amount of energy which can be derived from something by burning it. Coal, for example, has a mere 75 calories per pound, yet it is one of the most widely used fuel sources in the United States. Reactor-grade uranium has even fewer calories at only 30 per pound, and solar power, which the environmentalists seem to love so much, has an almost criminal zero calories per pound, making it essentially worthless as an energy source. As you can see by my diagram, the homeless top the charts of energy sources with over 4,000 calories per pound, even more if they are refined! This discovery was monumental and will hopefully revolutionize both the criminal justice system and the power industry. Imagine cars running on clean-burning hobo power, entire cities being lighted for weeks on the energy produced by immolating a single derelict! With a few simple calculations I have determined that my Ford Exhibition will get almost three miles to the pound of hobo meat, almost a thousand times more efficient than diesel fuel!
I can heat my Olympic-sized outdoor swimming pool for an entire winter using only a single hobo, jobless person, or homosexual. You can expect any attempt by the righteous-right to enact policy regarding this walking fuel source to be stalled in committee by the Hitlercrats and Adolph Daschel.
We Must Take All the Guns to Save Our Babies!
This girl is crying because guns killed her family.
Columbine, John F. Kennedy, Ruby Ridge, the list of victims of gun violence could go on for pages, yet thanks to a Republican party completely in the pocket of the NRA lobby we have virtually no chance of taking our babies out of harm's way. While the blood of our children and our friends runs through the streets like so much water the Republicans do nothing but sit in their ivory towers counting money in a briefcase hand-delivered by Charlton Heston. The only way we can change this horrible situation is by voting for people who support gun legislation that gets the guns out of the hands of people who don't know how to use them and put them back in the hands of people who do; the police, the military, and my personal bodyguards. Remember that people don't kill people, guns break into your house and rape you and then shoot you.
Let me appeal to your irrational emotional side by conveying an event that was related to me by a young girl in the ghetto and to which I can provide no factual backing. I spend a lot of time at community outreach facilities like Midnight Basketball and The Harlem Girl's School of Fencing, so I know exactly what it's like on the streets. I was introduced to a young girl, we will call her "Sally" to make it even more impossible for critics to disprove this story. She had a fighting spirit, she was getting excellent grades in school, and she belonged to a number of extracurricular activities. She achieved all of this despite her tragic physical ailments which included only having one eye, her entire face being covered with disfiguring acid scars, having two artificial legs, an artificial arm, and a pacemaker. In the bullet-pocked shelter of the "Little Ladies School for Synchronized Swimming" young "Sally" told me her sad story.
This puppy is crying because guns killed his owners and he was forced to live off of their rotting corpses for over a month.
In 1995, at the tender age of seven, little "Sally" was watching her younger brother in the living room of her home. Her mother was in the kitchen preparing dinner and her father was fast asleep on the couch after a hard day of honest work helping the neighborhood mysterious glass vial dealer. Suddenly armed white gunmen burst into the home, they were hunters who were very drunk and they had mistaken the house for a duck blind. They then proceeded to drunkenly mistake "Sally" and her entire family for particularly large and slow-moving ducks. The blasted "Sally" and her little brother with over a hundred rounds of Tech-9 ammunition, grievously injuring her and killing her brother instantly. Before he father had a chance to leap to his feet he too was gunned down. The intoxicated hunters then ran into the kitchen and sexually assaulted "Sally's" mother before shooting her execution-style. This all happened because a few drunken hunters who legally purchased their firearms had mistaken a hard-working American family for several ducks.
You would think the conservatives and particularly Johndolph Hitlercroft at the Justice Department would do something to safeguard the lives of our precious babies from guns, but instead they seem to think that these crazy people have a right to have them! For example, here is a quote from a post-September 11th speech given by John Ashcroft.
"Guns...isn't the problem…everyone…should have…a…gun. I feel…nothing…but hatred…for African Americans today and hope…that they…were killed by secondary explosions in the building."
- John Ashcroft.
If that is not the most despicable quote I have ever heard I simply don't know what is! Shame on you Republicans for voting for the man that put this man into office! As conscientious citizens of this proud nation we must act and act quickly to take every single gun out of the home, every single pistol away from every single mall cop, and every single black powder rifle away from every single vile civil war reenactor.
Chapter Three - We Need to Blow Up Every Filthy Towel-Head
The terrorists have tried once too often to take our freedom away, because they hate freedom. I know it's a difficult concept to understand because freedom seems like such a good thing, but you only enjoy freedom because you are an American. If you're not an American then you can't understand how good freedom is so you might as well stop reading now or try to become a citizen of America.
As you can see from this survey those filthy towel-heads hate freedom.
I hear all this bunkum about "Allah this" and "Koran that" and all of these knock-kneed liberal wimps spouting out how Islam is a religion of peace. If Islam is a religion of peace than my name is Bill Clinton! In the mid-east Islam teaches people to hate freedom, to want to destroy symbols of freedom like the constitution, the President, Sony Trinitrons, and McDonalds' Big Macs. It places no value on human life and therefore its subjects willingly die just so they can attack the freedom that we all love here in America. What these Arabs fail to realize is that the USA is, in fact, number one. In a recent survey conducted by George Washington Constitution Christian University in the filthy Islamic stronghold of Jordan every single person asked said that they hated freedom.
Did you know that Saddam Hussein once had a hundred women shot for not wearing the appropriate color of socks? He's as bad as Hitler, no, he's worse! At least Hitler did some good things for Germany like turning the economy around and kicking France's faggot ass. Saddam Hussein would never kick France's ass, he's too busy buying weapons of mass destruction from the French and using them to kill his own citizens by the thousands. Saddam Hussein is a Triple Hitler at the very least, possibly as bad as a Quadruple Hitler.
Just look at them! They are EVIL!
I hear the liberals and peaceniks moaning and whining about "oh don't bomb the precious babies of Iraq" and bull pucky like that, but Saddam is hiding his weapons of mass destruction somewhere and when we find them we are going to unleash the might of America on Saddam. The game of hide and seek is over!
Meanwhile you've got Senate Democrats like Tom Dopeschel and Dick Blackhardt telling people that the Iraqi people need hugs and food and not bombs? What is that crap? The whole of the Middle East needs to be turned into a plane of glass with nuclear weapons, we can build some big underground bunker for the Jews in Israel so they don't die from the fallout. The Jews sort of understand what freedom is about, they don't love it, well unless they're Americans, but they know how bad not having freedom can be.
In summary we need to stop letting the UN hold us back with their namby-pamby sissy work and turn these backwards hateful countries into a series of craters.
Chapter Four - The Filthy Towel-Heads Are a Wonderful Civilization
Iraq's President Saddam Hussein shows his winning and honest smile.
I am indignant - nay - outraged at this supposed "war against terrorism" extending into Iraq. Wasn't it bad enough that we dropped hundreds of bombs on the innocent people of Afghanistan? Didn't they bleed enough to slake your thirst for death President George W Bushanti-Christ?! While the callous braying of the Republicans can be heard throughout congress and the senate, demanding more corpses on the altar of the oil barons and the military contractors, the Democrats are standing idly by doing nothing. They fear accusations of being unpatriotic, they fear losing their voting public, and they have lost all will to oppose the powers-that-be. I am telling you now, WAKE UP DEMOCRATS, wake up America too! This has to stop before our military crushes and bullies another nation under its heel.
I hear Islam getting blamed by the talking heads of the right, while the president claims it isn't a religious war he may as well since he's rounding up everyone with brown skin and putting them in camps without trial! Islam is a religion of peace, it has a proud tradition of tolerance and intellectualism. Just because a few crackpots on the fringe are killing in the name of Islam doesn't mean that Islam as a whole is to blame. What about the Crusades, the Spanish Inquisition, Walt Disney, and the TV show "7th Heaven"? Should all of Christianity be blamed for these attacks against all of humanity? Of course not, and neither should the worshippers and religion of Islam!
To get a feel for this sort of "Anti-Islam" attitude growing in the United States, I traveled to Iraq and interviewed some people on the streets. What I found was not a hateful nation driven by anti-American feelings, it was rather a people broken by lack of food and medical supplies thanks to outlandish UN sanctions. The people of Iraq love peace, and so does their leader Saddam Hussein. He has been demonized by the press here but I managed to land a brief interview with him in an effort to get the word out about how the current administration here was skewing his words and painting an inaccurate picture of him for propaganda purposes.
Me: Mr. Hussein, it's a pleasure to meet a humanitarian such as yourself. How do you feel about President George W. Bush?
Saddam: I feel he should be skewered on a burning pike and his entrails emptied out upon the ground. He is a despicable man whose father tried to beat me and could not.
Me: Yes, I see, what do you plan to do if the United States invades Iraq?
Saddam: I will send millions of American soldiers home in body bags just like I did during the last war that the Americans completely lost, those imperialist swine.
Me: Well, there's probably only going to be a few hundred thousand soldiers so-
Saddam: SILENCE! Still your tongue or I will have it chewed off by snakes and have your fingers sliced off with razors!
Me: Mr. Hussein, is it true that you killed thousands of Kurds with a poison gas attack?
Saddam: I am a man of peace and so are the people of Iraq. The Kurds were victims of the Zionist regime of Israel, who disguised their warplanes as ours and killed our own people. As if I would ever hurt one of my own citizens!
Me: Well it is rumored that you killed one of your own sons and several of your wives.
Saddam: Allah willed their deaths, not me.
As you can plainly see from this interview Saddam Hussein is a peace loving man who wants no part in a war with the United States. I think President George W. Bush needs to take a long and hard look at himself before he accuses Saddam of being a part of the "Axis of Evil".
Epilogue - I Am Illiterate and That's Why I Have a Radio and/or TV Show
The author: Daring Armstrong.
Writing a book has been a dream of mine for years and I am glad that it has been finally realized. I have a lot of fans, apparently because the rest of America is as fucking unbelievably stupid as I am, but I've never felt satisfied. This is because I am illiterate and therefore limited to the realms of radio and TV where I can get by, with some difficulty, without knowing how to read or write. It's not that I'm dyslexic either; I am just that stupid and lazy. I'm also hateful towards people who have less/more than me for no good reason. I think it's based on ridiculous feelings of class inadequacy that has been created by those scumbag liberals/conservatives. But now that I have a highly-paid ghost writer I am able to get my thoughts out to those who are smarter than me and can do things like read and comprehend politics without resorting to venomous invective.
I would like to take a moment to thank those who have helped me with this book. First and foremost is Satan, who has given me the opportunity to sell him my soul in order to gain nation-wide popularity for my gas-bag opinions and inflammatory demagoguery. Thanks also go out to the Democrats/Republicans who have supported me all these years. Where they temper their extremist beliefs I never do, providing a shadow behind the party which the party itself can point to when in the public eye and say "see, we aren't as bad as this guy". Thanks also to my mother and father who gave birth to me despite the urgings of every single fortune-teller who advised them to have an immediate abortion. I may or may not support choice/baby-murders, but either way I'm glad that you two did not choose/baby-murder me.
Most of all I would like to thank the reader/listener/viewer for being so easily foiled into believing the words that spill out of my rotten head and mouth parts. Half the time I have no idea what the living fuck I'm saying and the other half of the time I'm lying just to see if you guys actually fall for it. And thanks, because you always do.