Shades of Gray (and Little White Lies), Part Four
Title: Shades of Gray (and Little White Lies) sequel to The Colors of My Life my 2013 Big Bang
Author: tcs1121
Artist: Bflyw
Pairing and Characters: Jared/Jensen, Christian Kane, O/Cs and mentions of Misha Collins, Mark Pellegrino, Rob Benedict, and Aldis Hodge
Rating: NC17 (brief)
Word Count: ~25000
Warnings: Jensen has a permanent, progressive medical condition that can cause blindness: Degenerative Myopia
Disclaimer: Untrue story. Character names used without permission. No money changes hands.
Beta: DisneyMagics who went above and beyond the call of beta. Thank you, my dear! I would not have written this without your enthusiasm and encouragement and it would not have come out half as well without you.
My First Reader: Special thanks to kee for giving this her once-over. My heart would have a difficult time posting without her name on it somewhere. Thank you, missy.
A/N (1): This is a sequel to my Big Bang 2013 The Colors of My Life and I highly recommend that you read that first. I love that story, and I think you will, too. ( Sammycolt24's art alone is worth the click.) There was an issue of trust between Jared and Jensen that never got resolved, and it always bothered me. So, seven years later, I finally got to fix it. (Or did I?)
A/N (2): Written for the SPN-J2-Big Bang 2021. Thank you to Wendy and any helping Big Bang Mods for pulling this off so well every year.
Link to Bflyw's Art: Is HERE
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Shades of Gray (and Little White Lies)
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Summary:
Renowned "blind" artist, Jensen Ackles, brought on Jared T. Padalecki as his apprentice to carry on his work should his eyesight eventually fail. Under Jensen's tutelage, Jared has grown as an abstract impressionist artist in his own right and is about to go on tour with his art. While he and Jensen have developed a strong emotional, artistic and physical bond, there was a past issue where Jensen made an unfortunate choice. He accused Jared of betraying him to the press. Something Jared did not do. He has begged for Jared's forgiveness, and Jared is trying, but this may be an obstacle too difficult for him to overcome.
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Back to Part Three
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A little before noon, they sat in front of the fire with Jensen's head pillowed against Jared's chest. Chris was in the kitchen, banging pots and pans.
"The Wye Hall took care of the shipping." Jared stroked up and down Jensen's arm. "They called and said I can expect my artwork to be home by Friday. I did the crating before I left, so I know they'll make it back safely."
"So, how did it feel, displaying your soul to the world?"
"I was a mess. Putting yourself out there takes guts. I can't believe how good you look after going through it for so long. I'm already going gray."
Jensen ran his fingers through Jared's hair. "Being blind has its perks. I'll never see you go gray." Jensen closed his eyes, and then blinked them open. "As far as showing your works, you never get used the fear, the trepidation, and the nerves when you unveil them to the public."
Still stroking Jensen's arm, Jared said, softly, "I was so afraid that someone I didn't know, and probably wouldn’t ever meet again, would say something hurtful. I can't understand why a harsh comment from a stranger could carry so much weight. It should only matter that I am satisfied with my work, and," Jared peeked over at Jensen, "that you are satisfied with my work."
"But they loved it, didn't they? I read what Rob Benedict wrote in The Art Aesthetic, and he was more than impressed. I've followed his reviews. He used to be the art critic for Art Matters magazine before he took Pellegrino's job. Believe me, his words carry weight. You, my apprentice and partner, are firmly on your way to a long and successful career." Jensen leaned up and kissed him on the lips. "And I couldn't be prouder."
After several small kisses, Jared said, "I wished you were there. Not only because you're my rock in all this, but because you've been there and could've given me some pointers." Jared nuzzled the top of Jensen's head. "When I had lunch with my mom, I told her how brave you were to have gone through this world of art exhibitions and critiques. Even though you never could see well, you had to travel and set up your paintings in so many different places, while trying to make your mark on the world. She wanted me to wrap you up and bring you to Texas."
Jensen laughed. "She did, huh?"
"She'd have us come right now." Jared picked up the throw blanket laying on the arm of the sofa and wrapped it around Jensen.
"That's sweet of her," he said, tugging it around his shoulders. "Maybe someday we'll take her up on it. But as far as my early days, I wasn't all that brave. I had a lot of help and support." He glanced toward the kitchen where Chris was banging away.
"You were brave. You are brave, Jensen. Truthfully, I wanted you there for support, advice and for your experience, but mostly, I wanted you there because I missed the hell out of you."
"I'm glad you missed me, but you didn't need me. You had it all under control. You impressed me from the moment I first saw your art, and you've only gotten better. Now, you're on the runway, ready to take off."
"Because of you."
"No. Because of your God-given talent. I actually don't think there's much left I can teach you." Jensen pressed his fingertips to his eyelids. "I think you're more than ready to fly."
"I'm not good at flying solo." Jared gently pulled his hands away. "Hey, are your eyes bothering you?"
"What?" Jensen blinked twice. "Oh, no. Just the dry winter heat, and a smoky fire."
"There's a song about smoke getting in your eyes." Jared gave a teasing smile.
"Chris doesn't know the chords."
"I heard that," wafted out from the kitchen.
Jared chuckled. "Are you having any more headaches?"
Jensen shook his head.
"Ready to paint?" Jared whispered, breathing him in-along with the hint of woodsmoke in the air.
"I am ready. My colors are here, and now, you're here. Speaking of which, you said you'd collaborate with me. I didn't want to jump on you right away, but I want to know- is collaborating with me still your decision?"
"It is."
"Good. Good." Jensen let out a breath and asked, "Can we start today?"
"Are you in a hurry?"
"I know it sounds rushed, but as I've said, I've been thinking about this for a while." Jensen looked as though he were reaching for his eyes again, but used his hand to dry wash his face instead. "I'm excited about working this project with you. I believe that if we combine our talent, the result could be a unique and unprecedented piece of art. I believe we could create something the world has never seen."
"I know we can," Jared said. "I can't wait to get started. And, yes, we can start today."
Jensen exhaled. It sounded like relief. Relief rather than excitement.
"Um, Jen? Is there something else? Some other reason why you're so anxious to get started?"
Jensen tightened in Jared's arms. "Why are you asking?"
"I mean, it seems like you'd grab your brushes and run into the studio right now."
"So, what if I would? What's wrong with that?"
"It just doesn't sound like you is all. Sounds more like me. I'm the impulsive one. You're the polished, well-planned-out artist." Jared tried to keep it light. "Is something up?"
"Again, Jared? Do you think I'm keeping things from you again?" Jensen growled.
"Seems I should be able to ask if something's on your mind, don't you think?"
Jensen stood and took air all the way to the bottom of his lungs. "That's the other thing. You said you'd forgive me. You haven't said a word about that except to hint, just now, that I might be keeping something from you. Did you change your mind about us moving forward or are we going to keep reliving my bad behavior?"
"Whoa, whoa, whoa. No, I didn't change my mind about forgiving you and I don't think you're keeping something from me. Where is this coming from?"
"I wanted you to bring it up and say you forgave me, but you haven't. Then, I wondered if you'd find a way to accuse me of something." Jensen whirled around. "And you did."
"No. I'm not accusing you of anything. I'm really not. I told you, I'm not trying to trip you up. Why are you always ready to blame me?" Jared's hackles were rising, his heartrate skyrocketed, and he had to count to ten and take a deep breath before he blasted out of control.
"Listen, Jensen if you always keep looking for the worst in me…"
"No, you listen." Jensen turned back. His cheeks were flushed and his eyes were flashing. His eyes had very little vision, but the message in them was clear. He was pissed.
"You say we never talk about this or discuss it, but that's all we ever seem to do. Even when no words are exchanged, the looks, the feelings I get from you, and the memories are always present. They're like annoying pests that never leave. I don't know what I can do to make it up to you and I'm beginning to believe that there is nothing I can do. I'm thinking that you gave up on me, and I don't know what kind of future you think we can have if you don't let it go. I've admitted it over and over. I was a bastard to…"
"Jensen," Jared interrupted, "that's not what this is about."
"I know I was a bastard to you and I've regretted it from the moment I accused you, but ever since, I have been honest with you. I have my own personal concerns sometimes, but that doesn't mean I'm locking you out."
"I know that."
"Tell me the truth, Jared. Since you're so keen on truthfulness…"
"Watch yourself," Jared growled.
"Can you honestly tell me that you don't have a secret or two you're keeping from me?"
"Of course, I have secrets but there is nothing concerning you, or our relationship, that I am deliberately keeping from you."
Chris chose that moment to poke his head into the room, pulling his bandana down as far as it would go.
"I mean…" Jared swallowed looking at Chris. "Nothing important, well, relevant…"
Jensen narrowed his gaze on Jared. "Is there something I don't know, that maybe I need to know?"
Jared stood and turned away.
"What aren't you telling me?"
"Jensen, it's not like that." Jared paced back and forth, getting his thoughts in order.
"So, that's how it is? I'm the only one in our relationship expected to be honest and open?" Jensen was angry.
"Not exactly…" he looked at Chris.
Chris shook his head with a pleading look in his eye.
"It's not, I don't…"
Jared was in trouble. The only real secret he was keeping from Jensen was Christian's. And Chris was right. If Jensen ever found out that Chris almost lost an eye because of his drunk driving, it would devastate him. He could not tell him that secret.
"Can y'all stop this?" Chris's voice was low. "Can y'all go to separate corners for a few minutes?"
"This doesn't concern you, Christian." Jensen turned to Jared and gritted his teeth. "I am tired of being judged and found unworthy."
"No, Jensen, that's not it at all."
Jared felt lost. Something precious was slipping through his fingers. He'd been too slow at forgiving Jensen. Now, Jensen had all but given up on the prospect. The door was about to slam shut.
"It's the opposite. I made a mess of this. I could have fixed it earlier and I clung onto it. I don't know why. I'm stubborn and stupid and didn't use my math soon enough. It's my fault."
"Then tell me what I'm supposed to do. I can't go on like this. We can't go on like this." The wind was billowing out of Jensen's sails. "I need to know how to talk to you. First, I was worried that I didn't help you enough to prepare for your show and left you hanging. Then, I worried I helped you too much and infringed on your individuality. I was afraid you would meet a new group of artists to partner with, and not come back. I was worried that maybe I should have told you my fears, but I didn't want to burden you, so I kept them to myself. My dreams kept reminding me how unsettled I was. On the other hand, I don't always want tell you everything, and I worry you'll feel that I don't trust you if I'm not one hundred percent open, one hundred percent of the time. I can't keep living in this uncertain place we've created." He sat and crossed his arms.
Jared took a breath. They were teetering on a knife's edge and he needed to fix it. He took a small step toward Jensen and made gestures with his hands, big enough for him to see.
"Jensen, nobody can or should tell another person everything. We all need our secrets, our feelings, and our own way of working through them. I'm not asking for access to all your thoughts or giving you access to all of mine. I expect you keep secrets from me, and I suspect that I'll be keeping a secret or two from you as well. We're human, after all."
"Then what do we do?" Jensen twisted his fingers together. "I found out, just now, that you're keeping something from me. Should I ignore it and assume it's nothing more than a little white lie? Or should I make you tell me as a show of good faith? And, should I allow you into my innermost thoughts and fears even if I don't want to share them?"
Jared took a small step closer. "I guess, in the end, it all comes down to trust."
"Isn't that the whole problem, Jared?"
"No, it's not. And I can prove it."
Jensen looked skeptical. "How?"
"Do you trust me?" Jared crossed his fingers and hoped.
"Do I trust you? That's your question?"
"Yes. It all pares down to that. How about this? I'll start." Jared stepped closer. "I trust you. I. Trust. You."
"You do?"
"I do. I trust you to cultivate my fledgling talent, trust you to show me the light, the shadows and the colors of your world and how to incorporate them into mine." He took another step. "Also, the help you gave me with my first exhibit was exactly right. If I had known you were concerned about it, I would have told you. That's my fault for not being more aware. In case you haven't noticed, I can become self-absorbed at times."
Jensen gave a hint of a smile. "You learned that from me."
Jared softly sat next to him. "Jensen, I trust you to keep my art fresh and honest, my muse safe and flourishing. I trust that my love is safe with you. This is no small thing, because my art, my muse and my heart are all that I have. And I trust you with all three."
This time Jensen did swipe at his eyes.
"Jensen, the moment my foot stepped off the plane, I should have said that I forgave you. I have no excuse for that, but after Sky High, it was a strange and confusing time for the both of us. But, I loved you then, I love you now, and I know we'll find our way home. So," Jared leaned in and asked, "do you trust me?"
Jensen let out a breath. "Well, yeah, I trust you." He ran his hands up Jared's arms. "You painted Yarikh with me, remember?"
"Remember? Of all the days in my life, that day will go with me to the grave. I'm sorry it took so long for me to get my act together. I forgave you a long time ago, I just didn't realize it until I was away. You know how sometimes I say I can't believe that this is my life? How I say, all the time, God, how did I get so lucky? What you don't know how is how scared I am that you'll suddenly realize you wasted your time taking me under your wing."
"I don't believe that."
"Not only that, but I have the privilege of apprenticing with you, yet feel the sword of failure hanging over my head, waiting for me to fuck up. That's scary enough, but if I fail, I'm more afraid of taking you and your reputation as a teacher down along with me."
"Never have those thoughts ever occurred to me." Jensen shook his head. "Not once."
The room went dead silent, yet emotional energy crackled in the air.
"Gentlemen, please," Chris interrupted, softly. "I know it's none of my business, but I'm gonna say something."
They turned toward Chris.
"We all need to hold secrets. That's that. From now on, Jared forgives Jensen for his past bad acts, and never brings it up again. Jensen trusts that Jared will always be honest and truthful with him. And Jensen will never forget what an asshole he was, so that he doesn't screw up again.
"Today, y'all are starting with a blank canvas." Chris squinted at them. "How does that sound?"
After a few silent moments, Jensen coughed lightly. "Do you suppose it's that simple?"
"I didn't say it was simple," Chris said.
Jared nodded to himself and turned to Jensen. "He's right. There's nothing simple about us, but that's the beauty of us. What I know is, for the rest of my life, I will do my best by you, even if I may not always succeed. And, I know you're sorry, I knew you were back then, and I should have done better and tried harder, to get to this point sooner."
"I trust you, Jay. You know I do. With more than my life. I trust you with my legacy. I trust you with my heart. I trust you with what's left of my sight."
The world melted away and all that was left was them. Jensen couldn't see the expression on Jared's face, but he felt his arms surrounding him. Jensen clung to him like a drowning man.
"I'm sorry," Jared whispered into Jensen's hair. "I should have…"
"Don't say you're sorry. Say we're stepping into tomorrow with a blank canvas."
Jared closed his eyes and held onto the man who was more than a teacher, more than a lover. "A blank canvas," Jared agreed. "Ready for us to fill it with the colors of our lives."
Jensen nodded against Jared's chest. "Our colors."
Jared kissed up Jensen's wet cheek. "Our colors."
Chris's voice came from far away, but Jared heard him say, "I'm making corned beef and cabbage for lunch with bread pudding for dessert."
Jared didn't know what to do with that information since Jensen had cupped the back of his head and brought him down to taste his lips.
Bread pudding was a poor substitute for Jensen Ackles's kisses.
They both decided to let the dust settle and begin their collaboration the following morning.
It was late afternoon and Chris was sitting on the sofa looking out the big picture window, nursing a drink. There had been a late-season snow storm last week, not an uncommon occurrence in this part of the country, and some snow was still on the driveway. Since they had put off their collaboration until tomorrow morning, Jared was tackling the snowy driveway in an attempt to improve his shoveling skills.
Chris sipped his drink and snickered at Jared's ham-handed wielding of a snow shovel.
"Damn Texan, don't know a damn thing about shoveling snow. Looks like he's tryin' to muck out the driveway."
"You weren't so good at it at first either, Okie." Jensen stood beside the couch, swaying slightly. He took a big breath and smiled his lop-sided grin. "I'm so glad you're here. You being here and your cool head helped Jared and me talk things out. You're my best friend. For so much of my life, it's been you and me." Jensen leaned over and patted Chris's head, knocking his beanie to the side. "I can't believe you've agreed to stay until Jared and I get our art together. Thank you, thank you for all you've done, uh, are doing."
"How drunk are you, dude?" Chris chuckled. He and Jensen had been drinking hot spiced rum since Jared went out to conquer the snowy driveway.
"Not too drunk. I don't think. Move over."
Chris scooted over and Jensen cuddled up next to him. He breathed a big, happy sigh and snuggled close.
"Not too drunk, huh?" Chris put his arm around him. "You're plastered."
"Yeah, maybe a little." Jensen giggled up at him. "I love ya, man."
Chris snorted and ruffled Jensen's hair.
Jensen leaned in, frowned and touched Chris's right temple. He gently traced the scars with his fingertips. "You were an idiot for letting this happen."
"So, you keep telling me. It was one, one measly bar fight, and you can't let it go." Chris hugged him close.
Jensen kept outlining the spiderweb scarring. "That beer bottle could have cracked your skull."
"Naw, my head's way too hard for that. Besides, I was protecting a woman's virtue. I wear these scars as a badge of honor."
"She was a hooker."
"Well, I didn't know that at the time."
"She wasn't even a she." Jensen kept brushing his fingers over the side of Chris's face.
"I know that now. Especially since you keep reminding me." Chris laughed and placed Jensen's hand in his lap. "Cut it out. Jared might get tired of shoveling and come running in. Remember, I asked you nicely not to bring it up in front of him." He pulled his hat down and smoothed it out.
"He'll never know." Jensen shrugged. "He's too good a guy to bring up people's facial scars, anyway. But, if it will put your mind at ease, he won't find out about your bi-curious escapade from me."
"You'll never let me forget it, will you?"
"Nope, but don't worry." Jensen's eyes glittered. "It'll be our secret."
Their collaboration started before dawn the next day and took off like wild fire. Jensen was laser-focused with a single-mindedness and determination that was truly inspired. Their days began early and ended late.
As their work progressed, Jensen remained professional, courteous, and surprisingly open to suggestions. Because Jared had been his apprentice, Jared knew how Jensen liked to work, how he wanted his studio outfitted, and how he liked to have the tools of his artistic trade set up. They worked out a theme, a game plan, and a timeline. All without bloodshed.
Yet, even with all their adult-like planning, there was excitement, passion and even a bit of playfulness every time they faced their painting.
"Here, Jared, here. Push your paint at this point and I'll compliment and mirror it over here. Watch your strokes, watch mine. Make them flow around each other. I'll make the colors sharp and deliberate here, and then you take over and fade them until you get to the border."
Jared drew an imaginary line at the mid-section of the painting. "Can you sweep your whorls down below this axis, and create a tangent by barely touching this arc? Right here. Start at this point, I think I want a more obtuse angle here. Try placing your brush strokes at this nexus-adjacent to, but opposite of mine."
"It's okay to overlap, Jay. Use your energy at this point and draw it out over mine. This work needs your energy here, so let loose. Don't worry, my colors won't get lost in yours."
"We need more contrast here." Jared pointed to a set of points at the perimeter. "And here. It's not intense enough at this juncture-not as robust as it needs to be. I'm not as good at this as you are, and I've never known you to be afraid of honest contrast." Jared beamed a smile, big enough for Jensen to see. "Show me your stuff, Master Artist."
Jared's style had always been wild, free, mathematically oriented, and unrestrained; Jensen's a little more deliberate, calculating, and cunning. However, now there was something almost frantic about Jensen's demeanor. He was determined and unrelenting. It was thrilling. Jared was not merely impressed by Jensen's intensity, he was spellbound. Jensen had already worn down several sets of expensive brushes in a relatively short time.
During these sessions, where they shared their paints, brushes and ideas, the atmosphere came alive with a creative promise that was both inspiring and intense.
But, when both artists were in their zones simultaneously, the studio exploded with vivid, multi-hued magic.
Their colors were strong and in synch. Their contradictory, yet complementary styles combined to create something disturbingly wonderful, aggressively unique, and undeniably them.
This art experiment was more than important, because this piece could actually redefine the concept of abstract impressionism. Even though they weren't finished, they both knew they were creating art history.
Interestingly, it was Jared who usually ended the sessions first and sometimes had to drag Jensen away from the studio at night. Jensen was driven, and working at warp speed. Eventually, though, Jared would succeed in talking Jensen into coming to bed, where Jared used all his talent to quell the master artist's anxiety, calm the adrenaline surging through his system, and leave him quiescent and satisfied.
They were in their bedroom, the sheets and blankets pushed to the floor, with the lights full blazing.
Jensen's eyes were glued on Jared who was looming over him. Jensen's legs were wrapped around Jared's waist. He used his heels and pulled himself in, grunting as Jared's cock went deeper.
"What you do to me. Jesus, what you do to me." Jared muttered. He pressed in half-way and waited for Jensen to adjust. After a quick nod, Jared pushed deeper until they were as close as two people could be. Jensen's eyes never left Jared's face.
It was Jensen who moved first, but Jared didn't need any more encouragement. Jared pulled back to lie all the way down so Jensen now moved on top, riding Jared for all he was worth.
Jensen closed his eyes and tilted his head towards the ceiling. He panted opened-mouthed as Jared did his best to fill him with each piston of his hips. Jensen shook as he pounded down onto Jared's wet cock. He took in a breath and fisted his own.
"Do it, Jensen. I want to see you come." Jared panted.
Jensen's eyes flew open. "No. I want to see you. C'mon, Jay let me see you."
Jared wasn't exactly sure what Jensen saw when they were like this, but he wasn't going to question it. He grabbed Jensen's hips and thrust up once, twice, and then his breath caught as he stiffened and came hard into Jensen, pushing up, up, up.
Through his orgasmic haze he watched as Jensen squeezed his eyes shut and finished himself off. Jensen arched back as come splattered over Jared's stomach and chest. Jared loved listening to the primal, guttural sounds of pleasure Jensen made as he lost his shit. That was almost the best part of their lovemaking. Almost.
As their breathing evened out, Jared settled Jensen next to him on the bed. He went into the bathroom for a quick shower and brought warm washcloths and towels for Jensen.
After Jensen was clean, warm and dry, Jared went to turn off the lights.
"Can we leave them on for now?" Jensen asked.
"Ok." Jared shrugged and got in bed. "Keeping the lights on. That's new for us."
"I know. I want them on. I need every chance I can to see you."
"We work together all day and we're together all night." Jared slid down and gathered Jensen into his arms. "Needing to see me? That sounds almost romantic. Are you making almost-romantic a habit, now?"
"Maybe." Jensen turned, facing Jared. Eyes wide, he closed the distance until his eyes were inches from Jared's skin. He used his fingertips to explore Jared's face, his neck and his chest. "Do you want to know why?"
"Why you want to leave the lights on?" Jared shot him a lazy smile. "Tell me."
"Promise you won't get mad?" Jensen's fingers never stopped moving over the lines and grooves of his cheeks and chin.
Jared stilled Jensen's hands by kissing each finger one at a time. "Why would I get mad?"
"Because, I have a secret. One that I've been keeping for a while." Jensen leaned in and kissed him. His eyes were wide as he pulled back, studying Jared up close. "So, I kind of lied to you when I said I didn't have any."
"You must have felt that it was an important secret to keep."
"You're not upset about that?"
"Nope. We're all entitled to hold things to ourselves." Jared kissed him back. "You don't have to tell me. I trust you."
"I'm going to tell you because I trust you. And because you have to know how important it is that we finish our work."
"It's a masterpiece, Jen," Jared said, suddenly serious. "It's not even done, but I know it is more than I thought we could accomplish. More than the sum of us. This work, our work, is inspired and will live long past either of us. I know it. I can feel it."
"I agree." Jensen faltered. His eyes became moist. "I feel it, too."
Jared tilted his head to look at him. A tear trailed down Jensen's cheek. "What is it? What's wrong?"
Jensen shook his head. "Give me a minute."
Jared was on alert. "If it upsets you, you don't have to tell me. I won't accuse you of keeping something from me."
"No, no, it's not that." Jensen's eyes were wet and zeroed in on Jared.
"Then, tell me."
Jensen rubbed his eyes and his voice was scratchy soft. "Do you remember why? Do you remember the reason I wanted an apprentice?"
"Of course. To carry on your work." Jared felt a chill run down his spine. "For when your colors fade to black."
"That's exactly why I have you." Jensen gave a watery smile. "That's exactly why I need you now."
"Jensen?" Jared's throat turned to ash.
"I'm afraid there's not much time left. The light and all the colors are leaving me. Soon, there'll only be shades of gray, and then nothing but black. All my colors will be a memory, so I need to hurry and get mine down next to yours. It's important that I see them together before they fade away."
Jared swallowed, held Jensen and tried to keep himself from shaking apart. Jared always knew this was a possibility. He knew that Jensen's sunlit world would eventually go dark one day.
"I thought we'd have more time," Jared whispered.
Jensen nodded. "I hoped we'd have forever. Apparently, that's not to be."
"Are you-are you sure?"
Jensen brought his forehead to touch Jared's. They stayed like that, breathing each other's air, holding on for dear life.
"Is there anything I can do?" Knowing the answer, Jared still had to ask.
"You're here." Jensen clutched Jared tightly. "You're with me."
"Always."
"Then, that's enough."
"What happened? When did it start? Can you tell me?"
"I thought I was overreacting." Jensen chuffed sadly.
"When?" Jared placed small, shaky kisses on the top of his head.
"After I fell in the studio. After I was so terrible to you…"
"Shh," Jared soothed. "That's over."
Jensen breathed out a sob. "After the fall, and after the surgery, I thought everything was getting back to where it was before-and it was. But little by little, it got darker and the colors became muted. My doctor confirmed that it was the beginning of the end of my career."
"Jensen, I am so sorry. I'm sorry this is happening." Jared could not imagine the fear, anger and sorrow Jensen must be experiencing. "Why didn't you tell me sooner?"
"I didn't want to interfere with your tour and," Jensen closed his eyes. "I didn't know if you were coming back. "
"Jensen."
"I wouldn't have blamed you." He opened his eyes. "What I said …what I did…"
"Stop. Please stop." Jared took a moment before continuing. "I am sorry that my taking too long to forgive hurt you so much. That's on me and I apologize with all my heart."
"No, that's on me and I am so sorry."
"What? What's on you?"
"Remember how, after you got home, you asked if there was a reason why I wanted to start painting right away? You asked if something was up with me."
"You thought I was mistrusting you again. You know I wasn't, don't you?"
"I did know and I acted that way on purpose. I apologize with all my heart for turning it into a fight, because I wasn't ready to tell you why I wanted to run into the studio and begin painting."
"Jen…"
"I should have been more honest, and I should have trusted you more."
Jared shushed him. "But you do now."
"I do now."
Jared sniffed and said, "I want you to know that I'm here with you, for you, and for as long as you'll have me. Through light and dark and all the shades of gray." Jared put Jensen's hands up to touch his face. "I'm in it 'til the end."
"Thank you. That will make the darkness bearable. But, Jared," Jensen's voice was reed thin, "who will I be when I can't paint?"
"You will be the finest Abstract Impressionist artist of this century. You will be a remarkable lecturer, as you already captivate audiences when you speak. You will show your work and speak to your admirers from all around the world about your process and your technique. You will continue to encourage, enhance and promote my artistic skills, so I can improve my craft. You will guide me, mentor me, and travel the world with me. If you want, you can expand your artistic repertoire because you can sing. You will be amazing because you are amazing. It will be an exciting journey, discovering what happens next."
Jensen took in a shaky breath. "Plus, I'll have you."
"You'll have me."
"But right now, at this moment, I can paint and we have work to do." Another tear slid down Jensen's cheek. "I intend to work until the lights go out."
Taking in a deep breath to hold back a sob, Jared said, "Then, I'll wake you up before dawn and we'll work until we can't, but I promise you, we will complete this project. It will be done and you will see it. Do you believe me?"
"Always." He felt Jensen nod against his chest. "Always."
They lay together while the world went on around them.
Jensen's softly whispered, "I'm sorry."
"I don't know why you're sorry. You gave me a gift. You trusted me with your biggest secret." Jared kissed the top of his head again. "While we paint, I'll use my words for the colors, so you will always see them-through me. Because for the rest of our lives, I'll be describing the world to you in colors you understand."
~~*~~*~~
I Am Every Man-Art on the Edge, Around the Corner and Across the Street
Art Review by D.T. Collins
Coloribus Nostri a new work by Jensen Ackles and Jared T. Padalecki
My dear Art Lovers,
I thought I had seen the pinnacle of Jensen Ackles's success when he unveiled the unparalleled "The Light Stealer, Yarikh."
In fact, I thought I had witnessed the pinnacle of the entire genre of Abstract Impressionism when he introduced that work into the world.
And then came Colores Nostri.
Colores Nostri, for those not fluent in a dead language, means Our Colors.
Colores Nostri is the one and only collaboration between Jensen Ackles and his prior apprentice, now partner, Jared T. Padalecki. And, frankly, there could only be one work of art that could come together as this one did.
I pride myself as a person who is never at a loss for words. If I like something I usually use phrases like unparalleled beauty (albeit rarely), breathtaking in nuance, and boy, I really like this. But I honestly can't put words together that will do Coloribus Nostri justice. One must be in its presence to experience the excitement, the passion, and the love this piece evokes.
However, as it is my profession to do so, I will give it my best shot.
Ackles and Padalecki have created a work so profound, so insightful and so intense it is overwhelming. Their energies combine and flow together effortlessly even though this is not a gentle piece.
The flavors of both Ackles's masterful technique and Padalecki's unique flair can be teased out if one really wanted to, but I don't want to. Because this work is more than the vibrant colors, amazing contrasts and interesting subject matter that makes Jensen's works so marvelous. It is also more than the robust energy, unrestrained power and brutal attitude that defines Padalecki's art.
I don't usually care for collaborations because one is usually trying to mimic the other (or trying not to mimic the other), one is out to overpower the other, outdo the other artistically, or they just end up working on their own side of the painting.
Not with these two artists.
The strength of this piece lies in the symmetry and balance and affection given to each color, each stroke, and each whorl. All aspects of this work of art are given equal significance by each artist. One doesn't know where Ackles begins and Padalecki ends. It is a tour-de-force rarely seen, and never seen, in my opinion, in a collaborative work.
Together, these artists have created a work that is undefined.
The canvas is large, which is no surprise, as Padalecki is comfortable working on large surfaces. The work of these two artists blends, flows, and soars in synchrony where two talents join and become one, singular, harmonious unit.
There is a tell-tale portion of this piece where Jensen's technique is apparent and deliberate. Here, he tells us why he painted Colores Nostri.
I know this because I am his friend and he told me. I also know he won't mind me sharing this secret with you.
In the lower left quadrant of this large work, there is a six square-inch area where the colors are indistinct and get progressively darker until it ends in black. This, my dear friends, is his metaphor for his lost eyesight. I would not be surprised to learn that both artists shared this space, but that is mere speculation.
Colores Nostri is Ackles's last work as a colorist because, at this writing, he has fully and irrevocably lost all of his vision. The blind artist is now totally blind.
Yet, instead of mourning the loss of Jensen Ackles's colors to the world, I am here to celebrate this newest master work, created by the Master Abstract Impressionist, who has paid his dues and proven his worth, in collaboration with a true once-in-a-lifetime talent that is Jared T. Padalecki.
~~*~~*~~
Epilogue
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"You know, you look super sexy wearing these sunglasses." Jared removed the glasses from Jensen's face to look into his eyes. "Every kid in that lecture hall wanted to be me, and I was ready to jump you. No more Ray Bans for you."
Jensen laughed as Jared started up the car and let her idle for a few minutes.
Jensen's eyes couldn't see, as the darkness was now complete. No light, no grays, just middle-of-the-night blackness. For now. Forever. But, the green of them was as bright as ever.
He chuckled again and ran his hand up and down Jared's arm "Cut it out. Now I have this image of a herd of art students jumping me."
Jared folded the sunglasses and placed them in Jensen's breast pocket. "You're super sexy when you blush like that, too."
"Shut up."
Jared snickered, then said, "I think it went well in there. We had to work out a different system but I felt we got the job done."
"I do, too. I was used to the layout of the lecture hall, and you and Jim were careful to set the stage the same way, so I didn't have much trouble maneuvering. Before, since I didn't use my sight functionally, I haven't had as much trouble adjusting as I thought I would. The students weren't easy on me, either. Some of their questions were tough. It felt good."
"You're good with them. You always are. Think you're ready to teach for real? Boston College has been after you to sign on the dotted line."
"I'm seriously considering it, at least on a part-time basis. I'll get with Jim after we get back from your mid-west tour. I know a lot of the gallery owners where your paintings will be shown. It'll be good to get with them again. Hey," Jensen said, smugly, "I could be your agent."
"You could." Jared lifted Jensen's hand and kissed it. "You should probably wait until next spring to begin teaching, though. That's when your next lecture circuit is over." Jared put the car in gear. "You're in high demand."
"Yeah, they think I have all this free time on my hands now." Jensen rolled his sightless eyes. "I will only lecture when it works around your schedule, because I'm not going to speak in three countries without you." He placed his left hand on Jared's thigh.
"Damn right," Jared said. "You'd better believe I'm going with you to Costa Rica, Panama, and Brazil next winter."
"You only love me for my warm weather tours."
"True," Jared said. "I would go anywhere warm rather than spend winter in Massachusetts."
"I don't know. Hot chocolate, hot fire, hot former-apprentice." Jensen's hand moved up and down Jared's thigh. "Winter's not so bad."
"Not when you put it that way," Jared purred.
"And I do." Jensen moved closer.
"You're adorable."
"So you keep telling me."
"Oh, don't forget," Jared made the rotary turn and exited without a hitch, "Misha wants to set up an interview for the article he's writing on your first year without your colors."
"I know. I'm not sure how that's going to go. There's not much to say to an art reviewer."
"Well, you could start by telling him how you're writing music with Chris. And I double-dog dare you to tell him about the open mic nights where you and Chris sing them."
"Oh my God. I would never hear the end of it."
"I know, I call that blackmail material."
Jensen laughed loud and bright. "I will tell him how hectic it's been. Since your work has taken the world by storm, we've barely been able to stop and take a breath."
"Is it too much? Are you okay with all this?"
"Okay with this? I'm energized by it." Jensen fished the sunglasses out of his pocket and put them on. He patted Jared's arm and said, "I don't have my colors anymore and, even though I knew it was inevitable, I'll never get over that loss." He sighed loud enough for Jared to hear.
Jared leaned over and nuzzled Jensen's head. "I can't imagine what it must be like for you," he whispered.
"My whole life had been filled with colors and light. My colors defined me. The light brought me depth and dimension, and now," Jensen took a deep breath, "Now, I need to find a new definition for myself."
"Fortunately, there's a lot left for you to discover. And I'll help you fill in the blanks."
Jensen nodded, unconsciously rubbed his eyes under his sunglasses. Jared resisted the urge to take Jensen's hands and pull them away.
"Jared, I'd be lying if I didn't say how much easier you're making this transition for me. You know how to guide me, how to talk to me, when to let me go and when to hold me close. You were right when you said you'd talk to me in colors that I understand. You give me the colors of my life."
And he did. Every day, Jared described the sunrises, the thunder clouds, the blossoming trees and the late summer sunsets. For now. Forever.
"And the longer I do it, the better I'll get at it," Jared said. "You're still the best teacher."
Jensen put his hand on Jared's arm. "Love isn't the right word for how I feel about you. It's not enough but it's the only one I have."
Jared took one hand from the wheel and quickly squeezed Jensen's hand. He knew Jensen didn't like it when he drove one-handed.
"That's funny, because love isn't the only word I have for you. As important as love is, the next one in line is trust. I love you with all my heart, and I trust you for all my life."
Jensen blushed, squeezed Jared's hand back and said, "God, how did I get so lucky?"
~~*~~*fin*~~*~~
Author: tcs1121
Artist: Bflyw
Pairing and Characters: Jared/Jensen, Christian Kane, O/Cs and mentions of Misha Collins, Mark Pellegrino, Rob Benedict, and Aldis Hodge
Rating: NC17 (brief)
Word Count: ~25000
Warnings: Jensen has a permanent, progressive medical condition that can cause blindness: Degenerative Myopia
Disclaimer: Untrue story. Character names used without permission. No money changes hands.
Beta: DisneyMagics who went above and beyond the call of beta. Thank you, my dear! I would not have written this without your enthusiasm and encouragement and it would not have come out half as well without you.
My First Reader: Special thanks to kee for giving this her once-over. My heart would have a difficult time posting without her name on it somewhere. Thank you, missy.
A/N (1): This is a sequel to my Big Bang 2013 The Colors of My Life and I highly recommend that you read that first. I love that story, and I think you will, too. ( Sammycolt24's art alone is worth the click.) There was an issue of trust between Jared and Jensen that never got resolved, and it always bothered me. So, seven years later, I finally got to fix it. (Or did I?)
A/N (2): Written for the SPN-J2-Big Bang 2021. Thank you to Wendy and any helping Big Bang Mods for pulling this off so well every year.
Link to Bflyw's Art: Is HERE
~~*~~*~~
~~*~~*~~
Shades of Gray (and Little White Lies)
~~*~~*~~
Summary:
Renowned "blind" artist, Jensen Ackles, brought on Jared T. Padalecki as his apprentice to carry on his work should his eyesight eventually fail. Under Jensen's tutelage, Jared has grown as an abstract impressionist artist in his own right and is about to go on tour with his art. While he and Jensen have developed a strong emotional, artistic and physical bond, there was a past issue where Jensen made an unfortunate choice. He accused Jared of betraying him to the press. Something Jared did not do. He has begged for Jared's forgiveness, and Jared is trying, but this may be an obstacle too difficult for him to overcome.
~~*~~*~~
Back to Part Three
~~*~~*~~
A little before noon, they sat in front of the fire with Jensen's head pillowed against Jared's chest. Chris was in the kitchen, banging pots and pans.
"The Wye Hall took care of the shipping." Jared stroked up and down Jensen's arm. "They called and said I can expect my artwork to be home by Friday. I did the crating before I left, so I know they'll make it back safely."
"So, how did it feel, displaying your soul to the world?"
"I was a mess. Putting yourself out there takes guts. I can't believe how good you look after going through it for so long. I'm already going gray."
Jensen ran his fingers through Jared's hair. "Being blind has its perks. I'll never see you go gray." Jensen closed his eyes, and then blinked them open. "As far as showing your works, you never get used the fear, the trepidation, and the nerves when you unveil them to the public."
Still stroking Jensen's arm, Jared said, softly, "I was so afraid that someone I didn't know, and probably wouldn’t ever meet again, would say something hurtful. I can't understand why a harsh comment from a stranger could carry so much weight. It should only matter that I am satisfied with my work, and," Jared peeked over at Jensen, "that you are satisfied with my work."
"But they loved it, didn't they? I read what Rob Benedict wrote in The Art Aesthetic, and he was more than impressed. I've followed his reviews. He used to be the art critic for Art Matters magazine before he took Pellegrino's job. Believe me, his words carry weight. You, my apprentice and partner, are firmly on your way to a long and successful career." Jensen leaned up and kissed him on the lips. "And I couldn't be prouder."
After several small kisses, Jared said, "I wished you were there. Not only because you're my rock in all this, but because you've been there and could've given me some pointers." Jared nuzzled the top of Jensen's head. "When I had lunch with my mom, I told her how brave you were to have gone through this world of art exhibitions and critiques. Even though you never could see well, you had to travel and set up your paintings in so many different places, while trying to make your mark on the world. She wanted me to wrap you up and bring you to Texas."
Jensen laughed. "She did, huh?"
"She'd have us come right now." Jared picked up the throw blanket laying on the arm of the sofa and wrapped it around Jensen.
"That's sweet of her," he said, tugging it around his shoulders. "Maybe someday we'll take her up on it. But as far as my early days, I wasn't all that brave. I had a lot of help and support." He glanced toward the kitchen where Chris was banging away.
"You were brave. You are brave, Jensen. Truthfully, I wanted you there for support, advice and for your experience, but mostly, I wanted you there because I missed the hell out of you."
"I'm glad you missed me, but you didn't need me. You had it all under control. You impressed me from the moment I first saw your art, and you've only gotten better. Now, you're on the runway, ready to take off."
"Because of you."
"No. Because of your God-given talent. I actually don't think there's much left I can teach you." Jensen pressed his fingertips to his eyelids. "I think you're more than ready to fly."
"I'm not good at flying solo." Jared gently pulled his hands away. "Hey, are your eyes bothering you?"
"What?" Jensen blinked twice. "Oh, no. Just the dry winter heat, and a smoky fire."
"There's a song about smoke getting in your eyes." Jared gave a teasing smile.
"Chris doesn't know the chords."
"I heard that," wafted out from the kitchen.
Jared chuckled. "Are you having any more headaches?"
Jensen shook his head.
"Ready to paint?" Jared whispered, breathing him in-along with the hint of woodsmoke in the air.
"I am ready. My colors are here, and now, you're here. Speaking of which, you said you'd collaborate with me. I didn't want to jump on you right away, but I want to know- is collaborating with me still your decision?"
"It is."
"Good. Good." Jensen let out a breath and asked, "Can we start today?"
"Are you in a hurry?"
"I know it sounds rushed, but as I've said, I've been thinking about this for a while." Jensen looked as though he were reaching for his eyes again, but used his hand to dry wash his face instead. "I'm excited about working this project with you. I believe that if we combine our talent, the result could be a unique and unprecedented piece of art. I believe we could create something the world has never seen."
"I know we can," Jared said. "I can't wait to get started. And, yes, we can start today."
Jensen exhaled. It sounded like relief. Relief rather than excitement.
"Um, Jen? Is there something else? Some other reason why you're so anxious to get started?"
Jensen tightened in Jared's arms. "Why are you asking?"
"I mean, it seems like you'd grab your brushes and run into the studio right now."
"So, what if I would? What's wrong with that?"
"It just doesn't sound like you is all. Sounds more like me. I'm the impulsive one. You're the polished, well-planned-out artist." Jared tried to keep it light. "Is something up?"
"Again, Jared? Do you think I'm keeping things from you again?" Jensen growled.
"Seems I should be able to ask if something's on your mind, don't you think?"
Jensen stood and took air all the way to the bottom of his lungs. "That's the other thing. You said you'd forgive me. You haven't said a word about that except to hint, just now, that I might be keeping something from you. Did you change your mind about us moving forward or are we going to keep reliving my bad behavior?"
"Whoa, whoa, whoa. No, I didn't change my mind about forgiving you and I don't think you're keeping something from me. Where is this coming from?"
"I wanted you to bring it up and say you forgave me, but you haven't. Then, I wondered if you'd find a way to accuse me of something." Jensen whirled around. "And you did."
"No. I'm not accusing you of anything. I'm really not. I told you, I'm not trying to trip you up. Why are you always ready to blame me?" Jared's hackles were rising, his heartrate skyrocketed, and he had to count to ten and take a deep breath before he blasted out of control.
"Listen, Jensen if you always keep looking for the worst in me…"
"No, you listen." Jensen turned back. His cheeks were flushed and his eyes were flashing. His eyes had very little vision, but the message in them was clear. He was pissed.
"You say we never talk about this or discuss it, but that's all we ever seem to do. Even when no words are exchanged, the looks, the feelings I get from you, and the memories are always present. They're like annoying pests that never leave. I don't know what I can do to make it up to you and I'm beginning to believe that there is nothing I can do. I'm thinking that you gave up on me, and I don't know what kind of future you think we can have if you don't let it go. I've admitted it over and over. I was a bastard to…"
"Jensen," Jared interrupted, "that's not what this is about."
"I know I was a bastard to you and I've regretted it from the moment I accused you, but ever since, I have been honest with you. I have my own personal concerns sometimes, but that doesn't mean I'm locking you out."
"I know that."
"Tell me the truth, Jared. Since you're so keen on truthfulness…"
"Watch yourself," Jared growled.
"Can you honestly tell me that you don't have a secret or two you're keeping from me?"
"Of course, I have secrets but there is nothing concerning you, or our relationship, that I am deliberately keeping from you."
Chris chose that moment to poke his head into the room, pulling his bandana down as far as it would go.
"I mean…" Jared swallowed looking at Chris. "Nothing important, well, relevant…"
Jensen narrowed his gaze on Jared. "Is there something I don't know, that maybe I need to know?"
Jared stood and turned away.
"What aren't you telling me?"
"Jensen, it's not like that." Jared paced back and forth, getting his thoughts in order.
"So, that's how it is? I'm the only one in our relationship expected to be honest and open?" Jensen was angry.
"Not exactly…" he looked at Chris.
Chris shook his head with a pleading look in his eye.
"It's not, I don't…"
Jared was in trouble. The only real secret he was keeping from Jensen was Christian's. And Chris was right. If Jensen ever found out that Chris almost lost an eye because of his drunk driving, it would devastate him. He could not tell him that secret.
"Can y'all stop this?" Chris's voice was low. "Can y'all go to separate corners for a few minutes?"
"This doesn't concern you, Christian." Jensen turned to Jared and gritted his teeth. "I am tired of being judged and found unworthy."
"No, Jensen, that's not it at all."
Jared felt lost. Something precious was slipping through his fingers. He'd been too slow at forgiving Jensen. Now, Jensen had all but given up on the prospect. The door was about to slam shut.
"It's the opposite. I made a mess of this. I could have fixed it earlier and I clung onto it. I don't know why. I'm stubborn and stupid and didn't use my math soon enough. It's my fault."
"Then tell me what I'm supposed to do. I can't go on like this. We can't go on like this." The wind was billowing out of Jensen's sails. "I need to know how to talk to you. First, I was worried that I didn't help you enough to prepare for your show and left you hanging. Then, I worried I helped you too much and infringed on your individuality. I was afraid you would meet a new group of artists to partner with, and not come back. I was worried that maybe I should have told you my fears, but I didn't want to burden you, so I kept them to myself. My dreams kept reminding me how unsettled I was. On the other hand, I don't always want tell you everything, and I worry you'll feel that I don't trust you if I'm not one hundred percent open, one hundred percent of the time. I can't keep living in this uncertain place we've created." He sat and crossed his arms.
Jared took a breath. They were teetering on a knife's edge and he needed to fix it. He took a small step toward Jensen and made gestures with his hands, big enough for him to see.
"Jensen, nobody can or should tell another person everything. We all need our secrets, our feelings, and our own way of working through them. I'm not asking for access to all your thoughts or giving you access to all of mine. I expect you keep secrets from me, and I suspect that I'll be keeping a secret or two from you as well. We're human, after all."
"Then what do we do?" Jensen twisted his fingers together. "I found out, just now, that you're keeping something from me. Should I ignore it and assume it's nothing more than a little white lie? Or should I make you tell me as a show of good faith? And, should I allow you into my innermost thoughts and fears even if I don't want to share them?"
Jared took a small step closer. "I guess, in the end, it all comes down to trust."
"Isn't that the whole problem, Jared?"
"No, it's not. And I can prove it."
Jensen looked skeptical. "How?"
"Do you trust me?" Jared crossed his fingers and hoped.
"Do I trust you? That's your question?"
"Yes. It all pares down to that. How about this? I'll start." Jared stepped closer. "I trust you. I. Trust. You."
"You do?"
"I do. I trust you to cultivate my fledgling talent, trust you to show me the light, the shadows and the colors of your world and how to incorporate them into mine." He took another step. "Also, the help you gave me with my first exhibit was exactly right. If I had known you were concerned about it, I would have told you. That's my fault for not being more aware. In case you haven't noticed, I can become self-absorbed at times."
Jensen gave a hint of a smile. "You learned that from me."
Jared softly sat next to him. "Jensen, I trust you to keep my art fresh and honest, my muse safe and flourishing. I trust that my love is safe with you. This is no small thing, because my art, my muse and my heart are all that I have. And I trust you with all three."
This time Jensen did swipe at his eyes.
"Jensen, the moment my foot stepped off the plane, I should have said that I forgave you. I have no excuse for that, but after Sky High, it was a strange and confusing time for the both of us. But, I loved you then, I love you now, and I know we'll find our way home. So," Jared leaned in and asked, "do you trust me?"
Jensen let out a breath. "Well, yeah, I trust you." He ran his hands up Jared's arms. "You painted Yarikh with me, remember?"
"Remember? Of all the days in my life, that day will go with me to the grave. I'm sorry it took so long for me to get my act together. I forgave you a long time ago, I just didn't realize it until I was away. You know how sometimes I say I can't believe that this is my life? How I say, all the time, God, how did I get so lucky? What you don't know how is how scared I am that you'll suddenly realize you wasted your time taking me under your wing."
"I don't believe that."
"Not only that, but I have the privilege of apprenticing with you, yet feel the sword of failure hanging over my head, waiting for me to fuck up. That's scary enough, but if I fail, I'm more afraid of taking you and your reputation as a teacher down along with me."
"Never have those thoughts ever occurred to me." Jensen shook his head. "Not once."
The room went dead silent, yet emotional energy crackled in the air.
"Gentlemen, please," Chris interrupted, softly. "I know it's none of my business, but I'm gonna say something."
They turned toward Chris.
"We all need to hold secrets. That's that. From now on, Jared forgives Jensen for his past bad acts, and never brings it up again. Jensen trusts that Jared will always be honest and truthful with him. And Jensen will never forget what an asshole he was, so that he doesn't screw up again.
"Today, y'all are starting with a blank canvas." Chris squinted at them. "How does that sound?"
After a few silent moments, Jensen coughed lightly. "Do you suppose it's that simple?"
"I didn't say it was simple," Chris said.
Jared nodded to himself and turned to Jensen. "He's right. There's nothing simple about us, but that's the beauty of us. What I know is, for the rest of my life, I will do my best by you, even if I may not always succeed. And, I know you're sorry, I knew you were back then, and I should have done better and tried harder, to get to this point sooner."
"I trust you, Jay. You know I do. With more than my life. I trust you with my legacy. I trust you with my heart. I trust you with what's left of my sight."
The world melted away and all that was left was them. Jensen couldn't see the expression on Jared's face, but he felt his arms surrounding him. Jensen clung to him like a drowning man.
"I'm sorry," Jared whispered into Jensen's hair. "I should have…"
"Don't say you're sorry. Say we're stepping into tomorrow with a blank canvas."
Jared closed his eyes and held onto the man who was more than a teacher, more than a lover. "A blank canvas," Jared agreed. "Ready for us to fill it with the colors of our lives."
Jensen nodded against Jared's chest. "Our colors."
Jared kissed up Jensen's wet cheek. "Our colors."
Chris's voice came from far away, but Jared heard him say, "I'm making corned beef and cabbage for lunch with bread pudding for dessert."
Jared didn't know what to do with that information since Jensen had cupped the back of his head and brought him down to taste his lips.
Bread pudding was a poor substitute for Jensen Ackles's kisses.
They both decided to let the dust settle and begin their collaboration the following morning.
It was late afternoon and Chris was sitting on the sofa looking out the big picture window, nursing a drink. There had been a late-season snow storm last week, not an uncommon occurrence in this part of the country, and some snow was still on the driveway. Since they had put off their collaboration until tomorrow morning, Jared was tackling the snowy driveway in an attempt to improve his shoveling skills.
Chris sipped his drink and snickered at Jared's ham-handed wielding of a snow shovel.
"Damn Texan, don't know a damn thing about shoveling snow. Looks like he's tryin' to muck out the driveway."
"You weren't so good at it at first either, Okie." Jensen stood beside the couch, swaying slightly. He took a big breath and smiled his lop-sided grin. "I'm so glad you're here. You being here and your cool head helped Jared and me talk things out. You're my best friend. For so much of my life, it's been you and me." Jensen leaned over and patted Chris's head, knocking his beanie to the side. "I can't believe you've agreed to stay until Jared and I get our art together. Thank you, thank you for all you've done, uh, are doing."
"How drunk are you, dude?" Chris chuckled. He and Jensen had been drinking hot spiced rum since Jared went out to conquer the snowy driveway.
"Not too drunk. I don't think. Move over."
Chris scooted over and Jensen cuddled up next to him. He breathed a big, happy sigh and snuggled close.
"Not too drunk, huh?" Chris put his arm around him. "You're plastered."
"Yeah, maybe a little." Jensen giggled up at him. "I love ya, man."
Chris snorted and ruffled Jensen's hair.
Jensen leaned in, frowned and touched Chris's right temple. He gently traced the scars with his fingertips. "You were an idiot for letting this happen."
"So, you keep telling me. It was one, one measly bar fight, and you can't let it go." Chris hugged him close.
Jensen kept outlining the spiderweb scarring. "That beer bottle could have cracked your skull."
"Naw, my head's way too hard for that. Besides, I was protecting a woman's virtue. I wear these scars as a badge of honor."
"She was a hooker."
"Well, I didn't know that at the time."
"She wasn't even a she." Jensen kept brushing his fingers over the side of Chris's face.
"I know that now. Especially since you keep reminding me." Chris laughed and placed Jensen's hand in his lap. "Cut it out. Jared might get tired of shoveling and come running in. Remember, I asked you nicely not to bring it up in front of him." He pulled his hat down and smoothed it out.
"He'll never know." Jensen shrugged. "He's too good a guy to bring up people's facial scars, anyway. But, if it will put your mind at ease, he won't find out about your bi-curious escapade from me."
"You'll never let me forget it, will you?"
"Nope, but don't worry." Jensen's eyes glittered. "It'll be our secret."
Their collaboration started before dawn the next day and took off like wild fire. Jensen was laser-focused with a single-mindedness and determination that was truly inspired. Their days began early and ended late.
As their work progressed, Jensen remained professional, courteous, and surprisingly open to suggestions. Because Jared had been his apprentice, Jared knew how Jensen liked to work, how he wanted his studio outfitted, and how he liked to have the tools of his artistic trade set up. They worked out a theme, a game plan, and a timeline. All without bloodshed.
Yet, even with all their adult-like planning, there was excitement, passion and even a bit of playfulness every time they faced their painting.
"Here, Jared, here. Push your paint at this point and I'll compliment and mirror it over here. Watch your strokes, watch mine. Make them flow around each other. I'll make the colors sharp and deliberate here, and then you take over and fade them until you get to the border."
Jared drew an imaginary line at the mid-section of the painting. "Can you sweep your whorls down below this axis, and create a tangent by barely touching this arc? Right here. Start at this point, I think I want a more obtuse angle here. Try placing your brush strokes at this nexus-adjacent to, but opposite of mine."
"It's okay to overlap, Jay. Use your energy at this point and draw it out over mine. This work needs your energy here, so let loose. Don't worry, my colors won't get lost in yours."
"We need more contrast here." Jared pointed to a set of points at the perimeter. "And here. It's not intense enough at this juncture-not as robust as it needs to be. I'm not as good at this as you are, and I've never known you to be afraid of honest contrast." Jared beamed a smile, big enough for Jensen to see. "Show me your stuff, Master Artist."
Jared's style had always been wild, free, mathematically oriented, and unrestrained; Jensen's a little more deliberate, calculating, and cunning. However, now there was something almost frantic about Jensen's demeanor. He was determined and unrelenting. It was thrilling. Jared was not merely impressed by Jensen's intensity, he was spellbound. Jensen had already worn down several sets of expensive brushes in a relatively short time.
During these sessions, where they shared their paints, brushes and ideas, the atmosphere came alive with a creative promise that was both inspiring and intense.
But, when both artists were in their zones simultaneously, the studio exploded with vivid, multi-hued magic.
Their colors were strong and in synch. Their contradictory, yet complementary styles combined to create something disturbingly wonderful, aggressively unique, and undeniably them.
This art experiment was more than important, because this piece could actually redefine the concept of abstract impressionism. Even though they weren't finished, they both knew they were creating art history.
Interestingly, it was Jared who usually ended the sessions first and sometimes had to drag Jensen away from the studio at night. Jensen was driven, and working at warp speed. Eventually, though, Jared would succeed in talking Jensen into coming to bed, where Jared used all his talent to quell the master artist's anxiety, calm the adrenaline surging through his system, and leave him quiescent and satisfied.
They were in their bedroom, the sheets and blankets pushed to the floor, with the lights full blazing.
Jensen's eyes were glued on Jared who was looming over him. Jensen's legs were wrapped around Jared's waist. He used his heels and pulled himself in, grunting as Jared's cock went deeper.
"What you do to me. Jesus, what you do to me." Jared muttered. He pressed in half-way and waited for Jensen to adjust. After a quick nod, Jared pushed deeper until they were as close as two people could be. Jensen's eyes never left Jared's face.
It was Jensen who moved first, but Jared didn't need any more encouragement. Jared pulled back to lie all the way down so Jensen now moved on top, riding Jared for all he was worth.
Jensen closed his eyes and tilted his head towards the ceiling. He panted opened-mouthed as Jared did his best to fill him with each piston of his hips. Jensen shook as he pounded down onto Jared's wet cock. He took in a breath and fisted his own.
"Do it, Jensen. I want to see you come." Jared panted.
Jensen's eyes flew open. "No. I want to see you. C'mon, Jay let me see you."
Jared wasn't exactly sure what Jensen saw when they were like this, but he wasn't going to question it. He grabbed Jensen's hips and thrust up once, twice, and then his breath caught as he stiffened and came hard into Jensen, pushing up, up, up.
Through his orgasmic haze he watched as Jensen squeezed his eyes shut and finished himself off. Jensen arched back as come splattered over Jared's stomach and chest. Jared loved listening to the primal, guttural sounds of pleasure Jensen made as he lost his shit. That was almost the best part of their lovemaking. Almost.
As their breathing evened out, Jared settled Jensen next to him on the bed. He went into the bathroom for a quick shower and brought warm washcloths and towels for Jensen.
After Jensen was clean, warm and dry, Jared went to turn off the lights.
"Can we leave them on for now?" Jensen asked.
"Ok." Jared shrugged and got in bed. "Keeping the lights on. That's new for us."
"I know. I want them on. I need every chance I can to see you."
"We work together all day and we're together all night." Jared slid down and gathered Jensen into his arms. "Needing to see me? That sounds almost romantic. Are you making almost-romantic a habit, now?"
"Maybe." Jensen turned, facing Jared. Eyes wide, he closed the distance until his eyes were inches from Jared's skin. He used his fingertips to explore Jared's face, his neck and his chest. "Do you want to know why?"
"Why you want to leave the lights on?" Jared shot him a lazy smile. "Tell me."
"Promise you won't get mad?" Jensen's fingers never stopped moving over the lines and grooves of his cheeks and chin.
Jared stilled Jensen's hands by kissing each finger one at a time. "Why would I get mad?"
"Because, I have a secret. One that I've been keeping for a while." Jensen leaned in and kissed him. His eyes were wide as he pulled back, studying Jared up close. "So, I kind of lied to you when I said I didn't have any."
"You must have felt that it was an important secret to keep."
"You're not upset about that?"
"Nope. We're all entitled to hold things to ourselves." Jared kissed him back. "You don't have to tell me. I trust you."
"I'm going to tell you because I trust you. And because you have to know how important it is that we finish our work."
"It's a masterpiece, Jen," Jared said, suddenly serious. "It's not even done, but I know it is more than I thought we could accomplish. More than the sum of us. This work, our work, is inspired and will live long past either of us. I know it. I can feel it."
"I agree." Jensen faltered. His eyes became moist. "I feel it, too."
Jared tilted his head to look at him. A tear trailed down Jensen's cheek. "What is it? What's wrong?"
Jensen shook his head. "Give me a minute."
Jared was on alert. "If it upsets you, you don't have to tell me. I won't accuse you of keeping something from me."
"No, no, it's not that." Jensen's eyes were wet and zeroed in on Jared.
"Then, tell me."
Jensen rubbed his eyes and his voice was scratchy soft. "Do you remember why? Do you remember the reason I wanted an apprentice?"
"Of course. To carry on your work." Jared felt a chill run down his spine. "For when your colors fade to black."
"That's exactly why I have you." Jensen gave a watery smile. "That's exactly why I need you now."
"Jensen?" Jared's throat turned to ash.
"I'm afraid there's not much time left. The light and all the colors are leaving me. Soon, there'll only be shades of gray, and then nothing but black. All my colors will be a memory, so I need to hurry and get mine down next to yours. It's important that I see them together before they fade away."
Jared swallowed, held Jensen and tried to keep himself from shaking apart. Jared always knew this was a possibility. He knew that Jensen's sunlit world would eventually go dark one day.
"I thought we'd have more time," Jared whispered.
Jensen nodded. "I hoped we'd have forever. Apparently, that's not to be."
"Are you-are you sure?"
Jensen brought his forehead to touch Jared's. They stayed like that, breathing each other's air, holding on for dear life.
"Is there anything I can do?" Knowing the answer, Jared still had to ask.
"You're here." Jensen clutched Jared tightly. "You're with me."
"Always."
"Then, that's enough."
"What happened? When did it start? Can you tell me?"
"I thought I was overreacting." Jensen chuffed sadly.
"When?" Jared placed small, shaky kisses on the top of his head.
"After I fell in the studio. After I was so terrible to you…"
"Shh," Jared soothed. "That's over."
Jensen breathed out a sob. "After the fall, and after the surgery, I thought everything was getting back to where it was before-and it was. But little by little, it got darker and the colors became muted. My doctor confirmed that it was the beginning of the end of my career."
"Jensen, I am so sorry. I'm sorry this is happening." Jared could not imagine the fear, anger and sorrow Jensen must be experiencing. "Why didn't you tell me sooner?"
"I didn't want to interfere with your tour and," Jensen closed his eyes. "I didn't know if you were coming back. "
"Jensen."
"I wouldn't have blamed you." He opened his eyes. "What I said …what I did…"
"Stop. Please stop." Jared took a moment before continuing. "I am sorry that my taking too long to forgive hurt you so much. That's on me and I apologize with all my heart."
"No, that's on me and I am so sorry."
"What? What's on you?"
"Remember how, after you got home, you asked if there was a reason why I wanted to start painting right away? You asked if something was up with me."
"You thought I was mistrusting you again. You know I wasn't, don't you?"
"I did know and I acted that way on purpose. I apologize with all my heart for turning it into a fight, because I wasn't ready to tell you why I wanted to run into the studio and begin painting."
"Jen…"
"I should have been more honest, and I should have trusted you more."
Jared shushed him. "But you do now."
"I do now."
Jared sniffed and said, "I want you to know that I'm here with you, for you, and for as long as you'll have me. Through light and dark and all the shades of gray." Jared put Jensen's hands up to touch his face. "I'm in it 'til the end."
"Thank you. That will make the darkness bearable. But, Jared," Jensen's voice was reed thin, "who will I be when I can't paint?"
"You will be the finest Abstract Impressionist artist of this century. You will be a remarkable lecturer, as you already captivate audiences when you speak. You will show your work and speak to your admirers from all around the world about your process and your technique. You will continue to encourage, enhance and promote my artistic skills, so I can improve my craft. You will guide me, mentor me, and travel the world with me. If you want, you can expand your artistic repertoire because you can sing. You will be amazing because you are amazing. It will be an exciting journey, discovering what happens next."
Jensen took in a shaky breath. "Plus, I'll have you."
"You'll have me."
"But right now, at this moment, I can paint and we have work to do." Another tear slid down Jensen's cheek. "I intend to work until the lights go out."
Taking in a deep breath to hold back a sob, Jared said, "Then, I'll wake you up before dawn and we'll work until we can't, but I promise you, we will complete this project. It will be done and you will see it. Do you believe me?"
"Always." He felt Jensen nod against his chest. "Always."
They lay together while the world went on around them.
Jensen's softly whispered, "I'm sorry."
"I don't know why you're sorry. You gave me a gift. You trusted me with your biggest secret." Jared kissed the top of his head again. "While we paint, I'll use my words for the colors, so you will always see them-through me. Because for the rest of our lives, I'll be describing the world to you in colors you understand."
~~*~~*~~
I Am Every Man-Art on the Edge, Around the Corner and Across the Street
Art Review by D.T. Collins
Coloribus Nostri a new work by Jensen Ackles and Jared T. Padalecki
My dear Art Lovers,
I thought I had seen the pinnacle of Jensen Ackles's success when he unveiled the unparalleled "The Light Stealer, Yarikh."
In fact, I thought I had witnessed the pinnacle of the entire genre of Abstract Impressionism when he introduced that work into the world.
And then came Colores Nostri.
Colores Nostri, for those not fluent in a dead language, means Our Colors.
Colores Nostri is the one and only collaboration between Jensen Ackles and his prior apprentice, now partner, Jared T. Padalecki. And, frankly, there could only be one work of art that could come together as this one did.
I pride myself as a person who is never at a loss for words. If I like something I usually use phrases like unparalleled beauty (albeit rarely), breathtaking in nuance, and boy, I really like this. But I honestly can't put words together that will do Coloribus Nostri justice. One must be in its presence to experience the excitement, the passion, and the love this piece evokes.
However, as it is my profession to do so, I will give it my best shot.
Ackles and Padalecki have created a work so profound, so insightful and so intense it is overwhelming. Their energies combine and flow together effortlessly even though this is not a gentle piece.
The flavors of both Ackles's masterful technique and Padalecki's unique flair can be teased out if one really wanted to, but I don't want to. Because this work is more than the vibrant colors, amazing contrasts and interesting subject matter that makes Jensen's works so marvelous. It is also more than the robust energy, unrestrained power and brutal attitude that defines Padalecki's art.
I don't usually care for collaborations because one is usually trying to mimic the other (or trying not to mimic the other), one is out to overpower the other, outdo the other artistically, or they just end up working on their own side of the painting.
Not with these two artists.
The strength of this piece lies in the symmetry and balance and affection given to each color, each stroke, and each whorl. All aspects of this work of art are given equal significance by each artist. One doesn't know where Ackles begins and Padalecki ends. It is a tour-de-force rarely seen, and never seen, in my opinion, in a collaborative work.
Together, these artists have created a work that is undefined.
The canvas is large, which is no surprise, as Padalecki is comfortable working on large surfaces. The work of these two artists blends, flows, and soars in synchrony where two talents join and become one, singular, harmonious unit.
There is a tell-tale portion of this piece where Jensen's technique is apparent and deliberate. Here, he tells us why he painted Colores Nostri.
I know this because I am his friend and he told me. I also know he won't mind me sharing this secret with you.
In the lower left quadrant of this large work, there is a six square-inch area where the colors are indistinct and get progressively darker until it ends in black. This, my dear friends, is his metaphor for his lost eyesight. I would not be surprised to learn that both artists shared this space, but that is mere speculation.
Colores Nostri is Ackles's last work as a colorist because, at this writing, he has fully and irrevocably lost all of his vision. The blind artist is now totally blind.
Yet, instead of mourning the loss of Jensen Ackles's colors to the world, I am here to celebrate this newest master work, created by the Master Abstract Impressionist, who has paid his dues and proven his worth, in collaboration with a true once-in-a-lifetime talent that is Jared T. Padalecki.
~~*~~*~~
Epilogue
~~*~~*~~
"You know, you look super sexy wearing these sunglasses." Jared removed the glasses from Jensen's face to look into his eyes. "Every kid in that lecture hall wanted to be me, and I was ready to jump you. No more Ray Bans for you."
Jensen laughed as Jared started up the car and let her idle for a few minutes.
Jensen's eyes couldn't see, as the darkness was now complete. No light, no grays, just middle-of-the-night blackness. For now. Forever. But, the green of them was as bright as ever.
He chuckled again and ran his hand up and down Jared's arm "Cut it out. Now I have this image of a herd of art students jumping me."
Jared folded the sunglasses and placed them in Jensen's breast pocket. "You're super sexy when you blush like that, too."
"Shut up."
Jared snickered, then said, "I think it went well in there. We had to work out a different system but I felt we got the job done."
"I do, too. I was used to the layout of the lecture hall, and you and Jim were careful to set the stage the same way, so I didn't have much trouble maneuvering. Before, since I didn't use my sight functionally, I haven't had as much trouble adjusting as I thought I would. The students weren't easy on me, either. Some of their questions were tough. It felt good."
"You're good with them. You always are. Think you're ready to teach for real? Boston College has been after you to sign on the dotted line."
"I'm seriously considering it, at least on a part-time basis. I'll get with Jim after we get back from your mid-west tour. I know a lot of the gallery owners where your paintings will be shown. It'll be good to get with them again. Hey," Jensen said, smugly, "I could be your agent."
"You could." Jared lifted Jensen's hand and kissed it. "You should probably wait until next spring to begin teaching, though. That's when your next lecture circuit is over." Jared put the car in gear. "You're in high demand."
"Yeah, they think I have all this free time on my hands now." Jensen rolled his sightless eyes. "I will only lecture when it works around your schedule, because I'm not going to speak in three countries without you." He placed his left hand on Jared's thigh.
"Damn right," Jared said. "You'd better believe I'm going with you to Costa Rica, Panama, and Brazil next winter."
"You only love me for my warm weather tours."
"True," Jared said. "I would go anywhere warm rather than spend winter in Massachusetts."
"I don't know. Hot chocolate, hot fire, hot former-apprentice." Jensen's hand moved up and down Jared's thigh. "Winter's not so bad."
"Not when you put it that way," Jared purred.
"And I do." Jensen moved closer.
"You're adorable."
"So you keep telling me."
"Oh, don't forget," Jared made the rotary turn and exited without a hitch, "Misha wants to set up an interview for the article he's writing on your first year without your colors."
"I know. I'm not sure how that's going to go. There's not much to say to an art reviewer."
"Well, you could start by telling him how you're writing music with Chris. And I double-dog dare you to tell him about the open mic nights where you and Chris sing them."
"Oh my God. I would never hear the end of it."
"I know, I call that blackmail material."
Jensen laughed loud and bright. "I will tell him how hectic it's been. Since your work has taken the world by storm, we've barely been able to stop and take a breath."
"Is it too much? Are you okay with all this?"
"Okay with this? I'm energized by it." Jensen fished the sunglasses out of his pocket and put them on. He patted Jared's arm and said, "I don't have my colors anymore and, even though I knew it was inevitable, I'll never get over that loss." He sighed loud enough for Jared to hear.
Jared leaned over and nuzzled Jensen's head. "I can't imagine what it must be like for you," he whispered.
"My whole life had been filled with colors and light. My colors defined me. The light brought me depth and dimension, and now," Jensen took a deep breath, "Now, I need to find a new definition for myself."
"Fortunately, there's a lot left for you to discover. And I'll help you fill in the blanks."
Jensen nodded, unconsciously rubbed his eyes under his sunglasses. Jared resisted the urge to take Jensen's hands and pull them away.
"Jared, I'd be lying if I didn't say how much easier you're making this transition for me. You know how to guide me, how to talk to me, when to let me go and when to hold me close. You were right when you said you'd talk to me in colors that I understand. You give me the colors of my life."
And he did. Every day, Jared described the sunrises, the thunder clouds, the blossoming trees and the late summer sunsets. For now. Forever.
"And the longer I do it, the better I'll get at it," Jared said. "You're still the best teacher."
Jensen put his hand on Jared's arm. "Love isn't the right word for how I feel about you. It's not enough but it's the only one I have."
Jared took one hand from the wheel and quickly squeezed Jensen's hand. He knew Jensen didn't like it when he drove one-handed.
"That's funny, because love isn't the only word I have for you. As important as love is, the next one in line is trust. I love you with all my heart, and I trust you for all my life."
Jensen blushed, squeezed Jared's hand back and said, "God, how did I get so lucky?"
~~*~~*fin*~~*~~