SICK
i have been so sick lately. Last week was diagnosed with Influenza, or the dreaded Flu. i was in bed for five days. i am finally back at work, but i am so drained. i have no energy. i just want to sleep. i just want drugs but have none. My head feels like its swollen, and I still can't hear a damn thing because of the congestion in my ears. i really need to learn how to cope without needing a chemical change in my system. i need to get running again, the natural release of endorphines is so much better for me. why do i do these things to myself. i know i will feel terrible afterwards. withdrawl sucks. i really do not deserve to do this to me. i should be so happy with my life, yet i find myself altering my mood. i feel so sick, want to throw up. is it the flu or the withdrawl from the meds? no more meds for me damnit! so anyway, things could be much worse. i have a good job, that is for the most part easy, and i spent eight years of education to get it, and i really enjoy most of the time. i have a good relationship that is satisfying. i just cant grow up, i continue to want to be bad, break the rules, live the fast life, and stay young, have sex, do drugs, party (to a point). it's like i have two lives, the one that i am supposed to be living, and the one that i want to hang on to. when will i make the shift to complete grown-up? when my wife gets her degree and starts working again, we will have much money, and then maybe i can afford to do some of the things that i want to do, start some hobbies that will fullfill me, i spend most of my time waiting for this to happen, waiting in the house, not having the money to do anything, passing the time by getting high, or masturbating, and this just sucks. the fallout when the week begins again is too much to handle, not to mention what this is doing to my body. it's stupid, i need to get out, lead the happy healthy lifestyle. what the hell is wrong with me. i go up, feeling good about things, i crash feeling like hell and crap, i already take meds for this, and yet it continues to happen. do i have anything to look forward to? i should, most people would kill to be in my shoes, to have what i already have, and yet i feel like shit most of the time. tommarow will be better, i hope, and this weekend, maybe i can have some fun, and feel good about being myself, with the person that i love. shouldn't that be enough? Damn i am tired of this cycle. i know what i need to do to make it stop. wish me luck, this time i have to make it happen...