I am such a mess!
You all know how I've been SO excited to get back to school for a long time. And how I've been really lonely for most of the summer, since none of my friends have been around. Well, Michelle came home from Cedar Point last night/this morning, and she came over tonight for a little while, which was really exciting cuz I hadn't seen her since winter break and it was SO nice to have someone my age around for a couple of hours! But now...and this is SO weird, I don't really understand it...I'm almost kinda dreading going back to school. Like...I don't know if I'm just stressed out because I've been thinking so much about all the stuff I have to do when I get there (unpack, rearrange furniture, etc.), or if now that Michelle's home, I feel like I'd rather be here with her than be at school, or what.
Oh wait...I think I just figured it out. I think this is my problem: in high school, Michelle was basically the only friend I had who I really hung out with on a regular basis. So, all summer, it felt really lonely here because she wasn't here and I'm not used to being home without her being around. And now that she's home, it feels like home normally feels again, and I like it. I think my hesitations about school are because it's gonna be SO different this year, I mean, the people I hung out with the most at school graduated, and so they're not gonna be there...and I think I'm worried that school is gonna be like home was without Michelle. The thing is, I do still have very good friends at school who WILL be there, so it's not the same situation. So I don't understand why I'm starting to not want to go back to school. *sigh*....will my life ever be in the vicinity of normal?!?
I think part of my problem with school is also the fact that, the past few nights I've been having my "nervous about starting school" dreams that I have every year at the end of the summer...basically they consist of me having things go wrong on the first day of classes...and I think maybe even though I know I have those dreams every year and nothing bad like them has ever happened on my actual first day of classes, they're still making me a little bit nervous.
So, hopefully by the time I actually get back to school in a few days, I'll be excited to be there! And, there are definitely things I'm looking forward to about getting back! But still....Cara wrote a livejournal entry the other day entitled "Home is where the heart is"...and I thought about that, and I realized that, that place for me is a place I can never go back to...it was school last year, when everyone was still there, and I just had an amazing year (I mean, it had its ups and downs, but in general, it was easily the best year of my whole life). I just hope that even though it won't be the same, school this year will still be pretty good, and will still be a place where I can be happy like last year. I also hope that someday I can find another place where I can be as happy as I was last year.
In thinking about all of this, I've also started thinking about grad school, and how it's coming up so fast, I mean, only 2 more years of college! And I was thinking how much it sucks that I finally found a place where I've been happier than I've ever been in my life, and I have to leave it so soon. And I really really hope that I can find a grad school to go to where I will be happy. I know it's really a little too soon to be thinking SO much about that, but it's really a big deal to me...I mean, when it takes you 19 years to find a place where you're happy, you do NOT want to have to start over and find another one! which is exactly what I will have to do when I graduate college.
I THINK TOO MUCH!!!!!!!! Somebody shut my mind up NOW before it kills me! I swear one day I will drive myself totally insane (and I'm a little surprised it hasn't happened yet)! why can't I just let things be whatever they are and just be happy?!?
Oh wait...I think I just figured it out. I think this is my problem: in high school, Michelle was basically the only friend I had who I really hung out with on a regular basis. So, all summer, it felt really lonely here because she wasn't here and I'm not used to being home without her being around. And now that she's home, it feels like home normally feels again, and I like it. I think my hesitations about school are because it's gonna be SO different this year, I mean, the people I hung out with the most at school graduated, and so they're not gonna be there...and I think I'm worried that school is gonna be like home was without Michelle. The thing is, I do still have very good friends at school who WILL be there, so it's not the same situation. So I don't understand why I'm starting to not want to go back to school. *sigh*....will my life ever be in the vicinity of normal?!?
I think part of my problem with school is also the fact that, the past few nights I've been having my "nervous about starting school" dreams that I have every year at the end of the summer...basically they consist of me having things go wrong on the first day of classes...and I think maybe even though I know I have those dreams every year and nothing bad like them has ever happened on my actual first day of classes, they're still making me a little bit nervous.
So, hopefully by the time I actually get back to school in a few days, I'll be excited to be there! And, there are definitely things I'm looking forward to about getting back! But still....Cara wrote a livejournal entry the other day entitled "Home is where the heart is"...and I thought about that, and I realized that, that place for me is a place I can never go back to...it was school last year, when everyone was still there, and I just had an amazing year (I mean, it had its ups and downs, but in general, it was easily the best year of my whole life). I just hope that even though it won't be the same, school this year will still be pretty good, and will still be a place where I can be happy like last year. I also hope that someday I can find another place where I can be as happy as I was last year.
In thinking about all of this, I've also started thinking about grad school, and how it's coming up so fast, I mean, only 2 more years of college! And I was thinking how much it sucks that I finally found a place where I've been happier than I've ever been in my life, and I have to leave it so soon. And I really really hope that I can find a grad school to go to where I will be happy. I know it's really a little too soon to be thinking SO much about that, but it's really a big deal to me...I mean, when it takes you 19 years to find a place where you're happy, you do NOT want to have to start over and find another one! which is exactly what I will have to do when I graduate college.
I THINK TOO MUCH!!!!!!!! Somebody shut my mind up NOW before it kills me! I swear one day I will drive myself totally insane (and I'm a little surprised it hasn't happened yet)! why can't I just let things be whatever they are and just be happy?!?