Ugh...
It's been one of those days,,,they seem to happen more and more frequently the older I get. Those days when I just feel SO behind the curve, and it almost feels like I'm an outcast from the human race or something. This is NOT where I thought my life would be at this point, and it's supremely frustrating. It also stresses me out, because a short while before Marcus and I got engaged (yes, that's like over 3 years ago, haha), I did a sort of "work backwards" exercise to figure out at what age I would need to have started each "life step" in order to stay on track for when I want to be done setting things up (by which I mean, be finished having kids). I was doing okay staying on track, but now I'm quickly approaching the limit for when I can start having kids to be done by 35...yes, technically I'm still 2 years away from that limit, but it feels hopeless that I'll get there by then. I know on some level it's ridiculous to hold myself to such a rigid schedule for this, but that's how my brain works, haha, I need a schedule and a plan and goals. I know they're somewhat arbitrary (although, 35 is NOT an arbitrary choice, it's the age at which the risk of many different issues with pregnancy and children skyrocket), but if I don't take my arbitrary goal dates seriously, I'll never get anything done.
Sorry this isn't coming out very eloquently, it's kind of stream-of-consciousness. Anyway...
I want to be a mom SO badly, but I worry that I'll never be able to. And it's constantly in my face, as so many of my friends have kids already, and basically my entire family AND Marcus's family are impatiently waiting for us to reproduce ("perks" of being the oldest of our generation...YAY :-P). There are the people who are "nice" about it, who say things like "no pressure, you know, whenever you're ready" (which of course puts pressure on me too, haha), and the people who aren't nearly as subtle. But regardless of their style, I hear them loud and clear, constantly, in the back of my mind (and sometimes in the forefront!), and it makes me so upset and frustrated. First of all, I have issues with people saying stuff like that in general, because you never know someone's circumstances. I've seen enough of my friends struggle with infertility to know that questions and pressure from people who mean well can be some of the most hurtful things they could hear. Honestly, I haven't even gotten far enough to know whether infertility will be another issue that compounds my path to motherhood, but it's certainly a possibility, and I do worry about that. But before that even matters, there are other, more basic issues at hand. And the majority of the people in my life (including my ENTIRE family with the exception of my sister) don't know about these issues at all. I'm sure some of them suspect (especially my mom, who always knows everything, haha), but I haven't told them, so they don't KNOW. And I don't know how, or even if I want to tell them. I know that's something only I can figure out for myself, but I really just wish someone could tell me exactly what to do.
Anyway...sorry for being vague, but I don't know who will read this, and I'm not ready to go exposing so much of myself on the internet at this point, haha. But yeah...I guess I'm just frustrated, and the past few weeks have enhanced that frustration, and I just needed to vent a little. So thanks for giving me the outlet to do so!
I picked my current music because it's a song that I find oddly comforting for some reason, even though it's a pretty sad song. It calms me down a little, which is always nice, and hard to find.
Sorry this isn't coming out very eloquently, it's kind of stream-of-consciousness. Anyway...
I want to be a mom SO badly, but I worry that I'll never be able to. And it's constantly in my face, as so many of my friends have kids already, and basically my entire family AND Marcus's family are impatiently waiting for us to reproduce ("perks" of being the oldest of our generation...YAY :-P). There are the people who are "nice" about it, who say things like "no pressure, you know, whenever you're ready" (which of course puts pressure on me too, haha), and the people who aren't nearly as subtle. But regardless of their style, I hear them loud and clear, constantly, in the back of my mind (and sometimes in the forefront!), and it makes me so upset and frustrated. First of all, I have issues with people saying stuff like that in general, because you never know someone's circumstances. I've seen enough of my friends struggle with infertility to know that questions and pressure from people who mean well can be some of the most hurtful things they could hear. Honestly, I haven't even gotten far enough to know whether infertility will be another issue that compounds my path to motherhood, but it's certainly a possibility, and I do worry about that. But before that even matters, there are other, more basic issues at hand. And the majority of the people in my life (including my ENTIRE family with the exception of my sister) don't know about these issues at all. I'm sure some of them suspect (especially my mom, who always knows everything, haha), but I haven't told them, so they don't KNOW. And I don't know how, or even if I want to tell them. I know that's something only I can figure out for myself, but I really just wish someone could tell me exactly what to do.
Anyway...sorry for being vague, but I don't know who will read this, and I'm not ready to go exposing so much of myself on the internet at this point, haha. But yeah...I guess I'm just frustrated, and the past few weeks have enhanced that frustration, and I just needed to vent a little. So thanks for giving me the outlet to do so!
I picked my current music because it's a song that I find oddly comforting for some reason, even though it's a pretty sad song. It calms me down a little, which is always nice, and hard to find.