(no subject)
the sequence of life is strange. it's strange how things sometimes happen just when they need to happen. it's difficult to think of the untimely death of uncle bob as good in any way, but if it had to happen at any moment in my life (and i mean moment as in what was going on, not the actual time), it happened at the correct one. just as i was so down on myself, so down on everything, faithless, lonely, and lost. forgetting myself and what is important to me and what my responsibility to the world is. as i was cursing my propensity to uncontrollably love and care, and the tendency i have to extend myself too far.... bam, devastating news. and while it has been so difficult, such a struggle... it's brought me back to a good place in my mind. remind me of the things that matter... love and care and loyalty and honesty and family (which is not exclusive to blood relatives) and truth and morals. i remember now that love and time are the most valuable things i have, and i must spend and share them not selfishly, but wholeheartedly. and deeply. these things matter most. everything else will fall into place.
it's not only being surrounded by my beautiful and wonderful family that reminded me of this, in and of itself. the funeral was possibly one of the most intense experiences i have ever had, and it was so necessary. i often try to ignore difficult things that come into my life rather than dealing with them head-on... i convince myself that if i don't acknowledge them, they will go away. (they don't usually go away, and i usually only ignore them superficially). and that i did with uncle bob's death... i tried to keep myself from reality. and the funeral was the first time, aside from when i saw my dad the morning of the 17th, that i had been honest with myself. this really hurts. this is really hard. this will continue to be really hard. but seeing the church packed, so full of people who loved bob. who he truly reached in his life. that is what is important. my family is important, my friends are important, and every living creature on this earth is important and part of my life if they accept it. and now i realize again that it is my duty to make sure i accomplish what i know i am perfectly made to do. i have already and will continue to change the course of life in this city, on this planet, in this entire universe.
and the universe could be such a sad and lonely place with so much literal darkness. i found myself struggling the night of the 17. i laid in bed and i knew something was wrong... my parents' light was on at 4am, and i assumed something was wrong with grandpa. but i stayed in bed, hugging indi, whispering to her, hoping that everything was alright. and all i could do was hope. i wanted soooo badly to be able to pray, to feel like it would do any good, to feel like there was some way i could have power in what was happening. it's so difficult to want to believe in something soo badly, but not to be able to. i want to be able to have faith so badly... i can hardly think of something i long for more. and i don't feel empty without it, but i do feel a bit stranded. but the joys of living are now amplified, and there are so many of them, and i have so many good people in my life and many more will come and that is something that makes me very happy.
"our death is not an end if we can live on in our children and the younger generation. for they are us; we are only wilted leaves on the tree of life" - a. einstein