2015 Year in Review: Busyness, Burnout, and Balance
People are asking me, "So, will you be at such-and-such-con this year? You should really come to so-and-so-con!"
At first, I would say, "maybe". Then it was more "I don't know. And now? Honestly, it's more "I don't want to do this con thing anymore..." I could chalk it up to finances, but really, Jaym put in perfect words what I've been feeling for the past two years. Which is sad, because I've only been to cons since 2009. But with what happened with WisCon, last year's Hugo's fiasco, and general SFF drama, has made me leery to go to any more.
I was also in this place where I didn't have the energy to post anything I wrote. See, the drama I was dealing with the past couple of years went beyond the SFF world. Much of it mirrored what's happening in the genre world: dealing with diversity, anger and outrage over many things. Some of it was also personal stuff. I had totally forgotten that it was around this time last year that I stepped down from Podcastle because of dealing with issues in my life. And then there's the dayjob. Last year, we became short staffed, so my workload intensified. It's a little better now, but things will still be heavy for me work wise, not just in my department, but organizational wise (things have been pretty interesting as of late).
And, okay, I'm just going to admit it, I got a little salty last year. On top of that, last November, I started working on a new short story, which meant putting off working on the novel. Why can't I do both at once? Oh yeah, dayjob is sucking up most of my headspace. So here's me, dealing with stress and drama, struggling to find time to write with my dayjob, and working on one writing project at a time. Then I get to watch other people coming out with great stories, new books, winning awards, having fun at cons, and I'm feeling that that the genre world is passing me by, and I'm making no progress, which must means I'm sucking as a writer and it makes me want to just and hide in my room and play Skyrim forever...
It got to the point where I started to wonder what, exactly, is my goal of being a writer? Is it really writing fantasy fiction? Do I continue to move towards becoming a professional science fiction writer, when it feels like I'm not making any progress at all? Do I give up my dream of being a full-time writer when it's obvious that's not going to happen this year, or next year, or even at all?
It's not like I don't want to stop writing. Ever. I love writing fantasy stories. And as a whole, although I didn't produce scads of stories, I did indeed do a lot of writing, mainly because I learned how to do so while under dayjob stress. And I did publish a couple of things in 2015. My short essay "The Danger of the False Narrative" published in Jim Hines's anthology Invisibility 2, and my flash story "The Summation of EvilCorp Subsidies HR Meeting Agenda Minutes, Compiled by Olivia Washington" I wrote for PodCastle 384: Flash Fiction Extravaganza! Vintage PodCastle: (and which I haven't even updated on my blog yet, I see. Whoops.)
Last week I got around to reading Jaym Gates's latest blog post about cutting back on cons and freelancing and stepping back from the SFF world for a while. And as I read it, I was like, "Burnout? Wait...that's it. That's me. THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING." Shortly after that, I stumbled across John Klima's post, which basically said the same thing about burnout. And I realized that maybe it wasn't just me. Our genre, as a whole, had a really, really sucky couple of years and there are people out there who feel it. And that includes me.
The thing is, it's not so much I'm burnt out because of the whole SFF drama. It's more due to sheer busyness.
So...how do I balance that?
First I think I need to fall back to the lesson I learned at Viable Paradise. I can only control what I write, when I write, and when I send it out. I can't control where I get published or what awards (if any) I get. I need to remember that everyone are in different points of their writing career paths. I just so happen to be in a busy time of life where the full-time writing dream will have to take a backseat. It sucks, I know, but I just need to keep writing. My output won't be the same as a full-time writer, and I'll just have to accept that for now. The good thing is that there are others like me in the same boat. So consider this post as an encouragement shout-out. Although really, I think I'm writing this post for me...
That said, I do need to look at how and when I submit things. There's a couple of stories that I was submitting a year ago before dayjob intruded, and I haven't really found a place for them. I think they're really good stories still. The question is, how do I proceed? Submitting them to new genres I think they'll fit? Self-publish? I also have a couple of reprints too that I need to get out there.
As for cons, I do plan to be at Oddcon on Saturday April 9, and I'll definitely be at WisCon the entire time. I'm even thinking about going to Convergence, mainly because I now know people up there. But this year I'm scaling back on volunteering. I feel like after what happened last year, I need to remember why I like going to cons in the first place.
So, there you go. I'm still around, still writing. You probably won't hear much from me, but I'll try to keep things posted. Best place to keep track of me would be on FB and Twitter. I still post there. I like to think of it as creating a small oasis of fun amidst all the drama and hate. And I'll just keep on writing. Because I'm a writer. Just keep on keepin on...
(And maybe because the whole Hugos slate thing appears to be starting up again, maybe it is best to keep my head low for now...)