going insane
It's true. I am going insane. I can't take it anymore! I need help, I don't have anyone to turn to, so as a result I have to keep all my shit inside. I hate myself. I'm lonely. I want a friend . . . or six. I hate my life.
When I was kind of on my own at a college where I was living in a dorm, no one ever came to see me. I had to go see them. After awhile, things started adding up, and I realized that no one really wanted to hang out.
It's that all over again. I quit believing in that man upstairs called GOD and I'm sick and tired of being inadequate. I can't take anymore of this shit that people are giving me. I feel like I'm being lied to by every one. Things really suck.
My mom even had a near death experience. She's in the hospital as we speak because of a hernia. (If you don't know what that is, GOOGLE it/LOOK IT UP). The doctor says she can come home tomorrow. But still, she's going to have to stay off of her feet for at least a week.
But anyways, the whole day that she was in the hospital, I was home being treated like shit. My brother told me that he was going to Wendy's and that he was getting dinner for himself. I asked if he could get me some. I also told him that I was going to give him money for it. He said "no" both times. Right then, it started raining, and then he refused to drive in the rain, and then he made himself a huge thing of Chicken Parmesan, and didn't offer me any. He behaved this way the rest of the night. Then my dad came home from being with my mom at the hospital, and I told him about all the phone calls I had received, and how it was necessary that I needed to be someplace the next day. He totally blew me off, and shoved his mouth with a bunch of salad. I was hurt, but then I realized, "hey, he hasn't had much to eat all day, so I'll let that 'piggishness' fly." But still, being blown off really kind of hurt.
You may be asking yourself why wasn't I at the hospital at my mom's side. Well, I was unaware of the fact that my mom decided to go to the Emergency Room in the first place, and I woke up and both my mom and dad were gone. My dad had stayed at the hospital all day with her (like a good husband would) and came home late with all of her stuff, and so on. So I never even had a chance to go to the hospital. And I knew that my brother didn't feel up to going at all, and that stuff. It sucked.
I feel selfish and everything because of all this, and I can't help it. But I also can't help feeling this depressed and wanting to end my life now more than ever. I don't know who to go to. I don't know where to go. All I know is how much I LOATHE myself.
The day flew by today, and I made some late phone calls to people I didn't mean to make late phone calls to. I had this feeling that it was still early. We've all done that, right? So then I felt stupid and selfish, and even a little ignorant.
Like I said before, I feel like everyone in this whole world hates me. Everyone is so judgmental, impatient, and everything else. I don't want to be here on earth anymore. I just want to die and everything will be so much better.
Today was a little better. I went to see my mom's cousins, my second cousins, and other relatives. It was nice to get out of Savannah. I hate this town/city. They fed me hoagies and lots of other food. It was nice since we didn't have much food at the house.
But still, I got back, and I hated my life. I don't know how much I can take anymore.
I tried asking for help, and no one wants to help. Everything sucks. I don't know what to do anymore. I'm slowly giving up. I'm severely depressed, and I've attempted suicide so many times, I'm tired of trying anymore.
Life on earth sucks! I'm going to bed. I just want to go to sleep and never wake up. I'm gonna be pissed if I wake up tomorrow.
When I was kind of on my own at a college where I was living in a dorm, no one ever came to see me. I had to go see them. After awhile, things started adding up, and I realized that no one really wanted to hang out.
It's that all over again. I quit believing in that man upstairs called GOD and I'm sick and tired of being inadequate. I can't take anymore of this shit that people are giving me. I feel like I'm being lied to by every one. Things really suck.
My mom even had a near death experience. She's in the hospital as we speak because of a hernia. (If you don't know what that is, GOOGLE it/LOOK IT UP). The doctor says she can come home tomorrow. But still, she's going to have to stay off of her feet for at least a week.
But anyways, the whole day that she was in the hospital, I was home being treated like shit. My brother told me that he was going to Wendy's and that he was getting dinner for himself. I asked if he could get me some. I also told him that I was going to give him money for it. He said "no" both times. Right then, it started raining, and then he refused to drive in the rain, and then he made himself a huge thing of Chicken Parmesan, and didn't offer me any. He behaved this way the rest of the night. Then my dad came home from being with my mom at the hospital, and I told him about all the phone calls I had received, and how it was necessary that I needed to be someplace the next day. He totally blew me off, and shoved his mouth with a bunch of salad. I was hurt, but then I realized, "hey, he hasn't had much to eat all day, so I'll let that 'piggishness' fly." But still, being blown off really kind of hurt.
You may be asking yourself why wasn't I at the hospital at my mom's side. Well, I was unaware of the fact that my mom decided to go to the Emergency Room in the first place, and I woke up and both my mom and dad were gone. My dad had stayed at the hospital all day with her (like a good husband would) and came home late with all of her stuff, and so on. So I never even had a chance to go to the hospital. And I knew that my brother didn't feel up to going at all, and that stuff. It sucked.
I feel selfish and everything because of all this, and I can't help it. But I also can't help feeling this depressed and wanting to end my life now more than ever. I don't know who to go to. I don't know where to go. All I know is how much I LOATHE myself.
The day flew by today, and I made some late phone calls to people I didn't mean to make late phone calls to. I had this feeling that it was still early. We've all done that, right? So then I felt stupid and selfish, and even a little ignorant.
Like I said before, I feel like everyone in this whole world hates me. Everyone is so judgmental, impatient, and everything else. I don't want to be here on earth anymore. I just want to die and everything will be so much better.
Today was a little better. I went to see my mom's cousins, my second cousins, and other relatives. It was nice to get out of Savannah. I hate this town/city. They fed me hoagies and lots of other food. It was nice since we didn't have much food at the house.
But still, I got back, and I hated my life. I don't know how much I can take anymore.
I tried asking for help, and no one wants to help. Everything sucks. I don't know what to do anymore. I'm slowly giving up. I'm severely depressed, and I've attempted suicide so many times, I'm tired of trying anymore.
Life on earth sucks! I'm going to bed. I just want to go to sleep and never wake up. I'm gonna be pissed if I wake up tomorrow.