(no subject)
well it's been almost a month.
nothing new has really gone on.
i've just been sad.
i fake being happy 90% of the time.
i've gained a lot of weight because of the stress.
i think i've finally realized that i miss her more than i thought i would.
we never got along.
not even when i was little.
but i miss her.
i miss knowing she's just downstairs.
i miss her voice.
i just miss her.
i didn't think it would effect me as much as it has.
she was my one and only grandparent that i had ever known.
and now she's just gone.
it's really effecting me now.
i feel like all i want to do is just sit in my room and cry.
i think i need to go visit her and grandpa.
just to talk to them.
maybe i'll stop hurting so bad if i talk to them?
maybe they can help?
i want to not hurt.
i want her back.
i want things to go back to normal.
i want to fight with her again.
i want to walk outside and see her waiting for me to take her to the doctor.
i want to hug her.
i want to go in to her house and see her sitting in her chair.
i want to go in and hear wheel of fortune and see her watching it.
i didn't want her to miss out on my important days.
i wanted her around forever.
i didn't want her heart and kidneys to give out.
i would have made everything more special if i had known she wouldn't be here.
i miss her chicken scratch handwriting.
i miss the way she used to spell out VanCauwenbergh under her breath when she was signing something.
i miss watching her put on her lipstick when she'd drag me to church.
i miss her picking me up from school and us going to dairy queen for lunch.
i miss the annoying sound of her dentures clicking when she chewed gum.
i miss thinking she'd always be there.
i miss her cooking.
i miss seeing her everyday.
i miss her voice.
i miss getting upset and frusturated with her.
i miss watching the price is right with her when i was sick.
i miss how only her 7up and crackers made everything better.
i miss how she'd grab my ears to see if i had a fever.
i miss taking naps at her house.
i miss having to yell at her because she couldn't hear.
i miss having to fill out paper work at her doctors' offices.
i miss every little thing there is to possibly miss.
i wish crying and missing her would make her come back.
i wish it didn't hurt so bad.
i wish i would wake up from this unbelieveably bad dream.
i just wish for one more day with her.
just so i could tell her how much i love her and how much she meant to me and how even though i got mad at her that i didn't mean any of it and that i was sorry for everything and to just hear her voice just one more time.
i'd give anything to just see her one more time.
nothing new has really gone on.
i've just been sad.
i fake being happy 90% of the time.
i've gained a lot of weight because of the stress.
i think i've finally realized that i miss her more than i thought i would.
we never got along.
not even when i was little.
but i miss her.
i miss knowing she's just downstairs.
i miss her voice.
i just miss her.
i didn't think it would effect me as much as it has.
she was my one and only grandparent that i had ever known.
and now she's just gone.
it's really effecting me now.
i feel like all i want to do is just sit in my room and cry.
i think i need to go visit her and grandpa.
just to talk to them.
maybe i'll stop hurting so bad if i talk to them?
maybe they can help?
i want to not hurt.
i want her back.
i want things to go back to normal.
i want to fight with her again.
i want to walk outside and see her waiting for me to take her to the doctor.
i want to hug her.
i want to go in to her house and see her sitting in her chair.
i want to go in and hear wheel of fortune and see her watching it.
i didn't want her to miss out on my important days.
i wanted her around forever.
i didn't want her heart and kidneys to give out.
i would have made everything more special if i had known she wouldn't be here.
i miss her chicken scratch handwriting.
i miss the way she used to spell out VanCauwenbergh under her breath when she was signing something.
i miss watching her put on her lipstick when she'd drag me to church.
i miss her picking me up from school and us going to dairy queen for lunch.
i miss the annoying sound of her dentures clicking when she chewed gum.
i miss thinking she'd always be there.
i miss her cooking.
i miss seeing her everyday.
i miss her voice.
i miss getting upset and frusturated with her.
i miss watching the price is right with her when i was sick.
i miss how only her 7up and crackers made everything better.
i miss how she'd grab my ears to see if i had a fever.
i miss taking naps at her house.
i miss having to yell at her because she couldn't hear.
i miss having to fill out paper work at her doctors' offices.
i miss every little thing there is to possibly miss.
i wish crying and missing her would make her come back.
i wish it didn't hurt so bad.
i wish i would wake up from this unbelieveably bad dream.
i just wish for one more day with her.
just so i could tell her how much i love her and how much she meant to me and how even though i got mad at her that i didn't mean any of it and that i was sorry for everything and to just hear her voice just one more time.
i'd give anything to just see her one more time.