Engagements, Sex & Heartbreaks Full Circle
tidbit about sex and relationships and the whole ordeal of the situaton....
.......This night though, he totally took my virginity, which I was kind of proud of keeping since I never wanted to risk loosing my spot at SAB or getting into Juilliard. It hurt alittle that night, but I totally understand the whole concept of an orgasm now though. Oh my gosh do I understand it. It was freaking amazing, and that was even before we had sex. I didn't give him head though, and I had actually been ready to and he said it should be about me that night because it was my first time, and we could do that anytime. My friends were all wrong about every guy wanting it to be about them, he made it all about me. He was so caring when "IT" finally happened though, like he said he knew it would hurt and so he went super gentle, and it did hurt. After a while though it did get better..............
This is the whole entry... superlon,.... but super detailed.
I sat at my window today, curled up in a ball and just cried myself into oblivion for the first time in a while. It came to me today that I can't control the world. I went running after my last destructive phone call that ended up with my phone shattered on my floor, now everyone understands why i have to keep my phone book updated in m room. Its destructive yes, but the truth about life is that it isnt fair and I have to go through it. So I ran and ran through the hills until I reached the water resevoir in the hills of the town and noticed that I was miles from home. I hadnt even thought about it until I hit the water's edge. Deciding that I needed to turn back, I started to walk again before I saw a whole bunch of cars driving through the hills with what looked like kids my age or younger. I knew what that meant, I used to do it when I had a boyfriend at school in new york. We used to go to some sucluded place and makeout while we watch a beautiful scene. This was the towns secluded beautiful scene, the water resevoir. I had only ever been up there once with a guy and on that night he proposed to me, what an idiot I was for saying yes. That comment screwed up my life for sure. I was almost jelous though as I watched the cars wizz by. Thats when I started running again, I ran all the way back home, all the while allowing my mind to real with the feeling of loss and pain for my love life has become and what I gave up or got myself into.
I was angry that I said yes to marriage, I was mad that the guy I fell in love with was such an ass in the end. I was angry that things in the world were such shit and I had nobody to tell this to. My brothers rolled over laughing when i brought up the engagement and they couldnt believe it. I was so happy when it happened but what was worse that things became rocky between me and matt and that just made things worst. He was the simple perfect rich and success riden boy. He had everything going for him and together we would have been the perfect couple. But I quit school and then he quit on me. All the while he was almost pretty much cheating on me. He didnt love me, he loved the idea of me. The perfect grl to bring home who came from the same kind of family with talent and beauty and from the same area. I thought for sure he was the perfect guy for me to. What were the chances that I would meet someone from my hometown in a city across the united states who had parents who knew mine but we never met each other. It was like the dream come true and when he proposed to me I thought it was the perfect thing. We were almost meant to be and that is my dream for sure. I gave myself to him in the most intimate way to.
The night he proposed to me was the day before Chistmas Eve. We were also only short of our anniversary for 7 months by 4 days. It was kind of crazy the whole things because I had only been 18 for like 9 days. I guess he really wanted to marry me. That or do me, because he said he loved me and that his parents and our parents agreed that it would be a great idea if we go married even though he had a year and a half until he graduated from NYU but with his trust fund and the money from his internship it would be enough to start a great life. I said yes of course. What drop out from Juilliard who has no idea what her future holds would say no to the perfect boyfriend? The perfect future?
I met Matt last May at PEA's Exeter vs. Andover games since he is surprisingly an alumni of PEA and his younger brother Andrew also attended as a sophomore at the time. At the time Matt was a sophomore at NYU and was just going up to see his brother play in the games. My brother's Benji and Bradley were seniors then and they really wanted me to come up so my dad let me take a cab from NYC to Exeter to see my brother's play. I met Matt in the stands and he said that when he noticed me first when I started cheering for Benji and Bradley. Most of you guys know the rest of the story but for those of you who don't. He offered to take me back to NYC since he had to go back to NYU and since I was at SAB it would be in the same general area. We sat and talked the whole ride back while his chauffer made the long drive. It was like a instant click. From that night on, when he wasn't working or studying we spent out time together away from my studies also. He would come to watch me in class sometimes and took me to lunch afterwards on Saturday's. He went to every single one of my shows afterwards and offered me the guest room in his apartment since I wanted to stay for August instead of moving home and then back to Juilliard in September. It worked out really well because his brother Andrew was also there and that kind of kept us from doing anything crazy because I was only 17 then. Matt is a very respectible guy, always opens doors, he can ballroom dance and even tried to learn ballet from me one day when I stayed late at the school. It ended in us making out against the barr and laughing on the floor more than him learning how to plie'.
He asked my dad for my hand apperently on my birthday when they shared a cab after dropping me off at my dorm. My dad wa thrilled guess. But we went up to the resevoir the night before christmas eve and he proposed to me and it was really beautiful.
We went back to his house afterwards and he lives in the east wing of his house which is like a whole seperate apartment. It has a seperate entrace and he has like a kitchenette and 2 rooms and the whole livingroom. He never really uses the wing for more than a bedroom since he spends a bunch of time with his family. It was nice of his parents to give him his own space though.
That night was the first night we had sex. Like it was the first night we really did anything actually. We had kissed and made out tons in NYC and like I would sleep in his bed with him and stuff but really, nothing had amounted to anthing more than above the waist touching, although, he did get hard ons when things got heated. This night though, he totally took my virginity, which I was kind of proud of keeping since I never wanted to risk loosing my spot at SAB or getting into Juilliard. It hurt alittle that night, but I totally understand the whole concept of an orgasm now though. Oh my gosh do I understand it. It was freaking amazing, and that was even before we had sex. I didn't give him head though, and I had actually been ready to and he said it should be about me that night because it was my first time, and we could do that anytime. My friends were all wrong about every guy wanting it to be about them, he made it all about me. He was so caring when "IT" finally happened though, like he said he knew it would hurt and so he went super gentle, and it did hurt. After a while though it did get better. It was actually amazing he whole experience. It felt so weird feeling him come though, I can also have multiple orgasms apperently. I guess it being my first time I was easy to please is what he said afterwards. He could totally feel it though when he stripped me of my innocence apperently. Like he felt it and I was the first virgin he had ever slept with.
It was amazing waking up in his arms the next morning though, my ring sparkling in the morning light on his chest. The skin to skin contact of us wrapped together, it was just wow. I think I liked waking up more than the sex portion.....okay, maybe not, but it came close second.
Our parents were all thrilled when we told everyone over Christmas Eve dinner at my house since his family does Christmas dinner and mine does Christmas Eve. It's about the only day a year where my parent's don't fight, they are just civil enough. I think is funny that my parent's fight because my step mom gets along really well with my mom, they are really good friends, which is kind of funny because my dad seems to hate my mom's guts and likewise.
I got him gift for Christmas and left it at his house but that night we did it again in the guest house at my house, we went for a walk after everyone was winding down and my mom left after we opened presents with her. She was leaving for a cruise with her new boyfriend the next day. Which is normal for me. I hadn't broken the news about quitting Julliard though. My dad knew, since he got all of my stuff shipped back to California but my mom didn't know and she wasn't going to find out until after New Years. We went for walk around my dad's massive property in the hills, and spent some time in the stables with my horses. I took out Candy and let him ride dad's horse Bordeaux. We rode in the night for like 20 minutes and then made the long walk back from the stables and ended up going into the guest house after searching around the front for the key, took freakin forever. But we did it again and I gave him head for the first time that night. It was really weird but I never got to taste him because he wore a condom when I did it. I was kind of glad a little. He takes the protection seriously which is freakin amazing, since I never had to worry and since I wasn't on the pill yet it was a good thing.
We went to all kinds of parties the following weeks after that and did it all the time, whenever we could get it in that is, but nothing ever kinky though. Thank god. But when I finally told my mom I wasn't going back toJuilliard she had a major freak out and totally blamed Matt, which wasn't his fault because I didn't even tell matt until right before I left and he asked whats with all he suitcases I packed. He was okay with it though. Things between us got rocky right after we hit valentine's day though, and then we ended up breaking up, which was because he wasn't giving me the time of day anymore and he said I shouldnt be worrying about him, I should be planning the wedding. 6 huge fights later we finally ended it and I threw the ring back in his face and grabbed my stuff and left his place. Find out later that I was being cheated on by stupid Matt. I went home and totally cried to Anne. My mom still hadn't forgiven me for quitting Ballet and my dad was working in Japan. So it sucked like no other and my stepmom Anne comforted me through the whole thing, she got ice cream and took me out like every day. It was nice of her to not say anything when she picked me up from the airport. I think she kind of knew since I came back early from the trip.
Love freaking sucks I tell you. and it kind of made me mad to see all those couples go to the place I once thought was sacred because that's where I was proposed to.
What is worst though was hearing stories from Anne's friends about the people they fell in love with back in the old daysthat they lost. One lady, Mrs. Lind, she found her old sweetheart but they can't be together because they both are married now and even though she loves her husband, she doesnt love him the same way as she loved her first love, and he is now married to someone else and happy I guess, and they would never jepordize their families to be with each other. Love is kinda like that, its this challenge and is full of obstacles and it just kind of sucks, since nothing really works out in the end. I kinda quit the whole debacle. I am pretty much over Matt though, kind of, like I still miss him, but I don't miss what he did to me, or want to be with him or anything, I just miss what we used to have, before the sex. Love is heartbreak, but the sex is good i guess.
I cried and cried because love is unfair and I finally just needed to come to terms with it. But now that I write this out things feel better and i better I guess. I guess I kind of just need to let things out finally since I pretty much bottled it up for the last 6 weeks but yea. We will back track again later. night all, have a great thursday!
.......This night though, he totally took my virginity, which I was kind of proud of keeping since I never wanted to risk loosing my spot at SAB or getting into Juilliard. It hurt alittle that night, but I totally understand the whole concept of an orgasm now though. Oh my gosh do I understand it. It was freaking amazing, and that was even before we had sex. I didn't give him head though, and I had actually been ready to and he said it should be about me that night because it was my first time, and we could do that anytime. My friends were all wrong about every guy wanting it to be about them, he made it all about me. He was so caring when "IT" finally happened though, like he said he knew it would hurt and so he went super gentle, and it did hurt. After a while though it did get better..............
This is the whole entry... superlon,.... but super detailed.
I sat at my window today, curled up in a ball and just cried myself into oblivion for the first time in a while. It came to me today that I can't control the world. I went running after my last destructive phone call that ended up with my phone shattered on my floor, now everyone understands why i have to keep my phone book updated in m room. Its destructive yes, but the truth about life is that it isnt fair and I have to go through it. So I ran and ran through the hills until I reached the water resevoir in the hills of the town and noticed that I was miles from home. I hadnt even thought about it until I hit the water's edge. Deciding that I needed to turn back, I started to walk again before I saw a whole bunch of cars driving through the hills with what looked like kids my age or younger. I knew what that meant, I used to do it when I had a boyfriend at school in new york. We used to go to some sucluded place and makeout while we watch a beautiful scene. This was the towns secluded beautiful scene, the water resevoir. I had only ever been up there once with a guy and on that night he proposed to me, what an idiot I was for saying yes. That comment screwed up my life for sure. I was almost jelous though as I watched the cars wizz by. Thats when I started running again, I ran all the way back home, all the while allowing my mind to real with the feeling of loss and pain for my love life has become and what I gave up or got myself into.
I was angry that I said yes to marriage, I was mad that the guy I fell in love with was such an ass in the end. I was angry that things in the world were such shit and I had nobody to tell this to. My brothers rolled over laughing when i brought up the engagement and they couldnt believe it. I was so happy when it happened but what was worse that things became rocky between me and matt and that just made things worst. He was the simple perfect rich and success riden boy. He had everything going for him and together we would have been the perfect couple. But I quit school and then he quit on me. All the while he was almost pretty much cheating on me. He didnt love me, he loved the idea of me. The perfect grl to bring home who came from the same kind of family with talent and beauty and from the same area. I thought for sure he was the perfect guy for me to. What were the chances that I would meet someone from my hometown in a city across the united states who had parents who knew mine but we never met each other. It was like the dream come true and when he proposed to me I thought it was the perfect thing. We were almost meant to be and that is my dream for sure. I gave myself to him in the most intimate way to.
The night he proposed to me was the day before Chistmas Eve. We were also only short of our anniversary for 7 months by 4 days. It was kind of crazy the whole things because I had only been 18 for like 9 days. I guess he really wanted to marry me. That or do me, because he said he loved me and that his parents and our parents agreed that it would be a great idea if we go married even though he had a year and a half until he graduated from NYU but with his trust fund and the money from his internship it would be enough to start a great life. I said yes of course. What drop out from Juilliard who has no idea what her future holds would say no to the perfect boyfriend? The perfect future?
I met Matt last May at PEA's Exeter vs. Andover games since he is surprisingly an alumni of PEA and his younger brother Andrew also attended as a sophomore at the time. At the time Matt was a sophomore at NYU and was just going up to see his brother play in the games. My brother's Benji and Bradley were seniors then and they really wanted me to come up so my dad let me take a cab from NYC to Exeter to see my brother's play. I met Matt in the stands and he said that when he noticed me first when I started cheering for Benji and Bradley. Most of you guys know the rest of the story but for those of you who don't. He offered to take me back to NYC since he had to go back to NYU and since I was at SAB it would be in the same general area. We sat and talked the whole ride back while his chauffer made the long drive. It was like a instant click. From that night on, when he wasn't working or studying we spent out time together away from my studies also. He would come to watch me in class sometimes and took me to lunch afterwards on Saturday's. He went to every single one of my shows afterwards and offered me the guest room in his apartment since I wanted to stay for August instead of moving home and then back to Juilliard in September. It worked out really well because his brother Andrew was also there and that kind of kept us from doing anything crazy because I was only 17 then. Matt is a very respectible guy, always opens doors, he can ballroom dance and even tried to learn ballet from me one day when I stayed late at the school. It ended in us making out against the barr and laughing on the floor more than him learning how to plie'.
He asked my dad for my hand apperently on my birthday when they shared a cab after dropping me off at my dorm. My dad wa thrilled guess. But we went up to the resevoir the night before christmas eve and he proposed to me and it was really beautiful.
We went back to his house afterwards and he lives in the east wing of his house which is like a whole seperate apartment. It has a seperate entrace and he has like a kitchenette and 2 rooms and the whole livingroom. He never really uses the wing for more than a bedroom since he spends a bunch of time with his family. It was nice of his parents to give him his own space though.
That night was the first night we had sex. Like it was the first night we really did anything actually. We had kissed and made out tons in NYC and like I would sleep in his bed with him and stuff but really, nothing had amounted to anthing more than above the waist touching, although, he did get hard ons when things got heated. This night though, he totally took my virginity, which I was kind of proud of keeping since I never wanted to risk loosing my spot at SAB or getting into Juilliard. It hurt alittle that night, but I totally understand the whole concept of an orgasm now though. Oh my gosh do I understand it. It was freaking amazing, and that was even before we had sex. I didn't give him head though, and I had actually been ready to and he said it should be about me that night because it was my first time, and we could do that anytime. My friends were all wrong about every guy wanting it to be about them, he made it all about me. He was so caring when "IT" finally happened though, like he said he knew it would hurt and so he went super gentle, and it did hurt. After a while though it did get better. It was actually amazing he whole experience. It felt so weird feeling him come though, I can also have multiple orgasms apperently. I guess it being my first time I was easy to please is what he said afterwards. He could totally feel it though when he stripped me of my innocence apperently. Like he felt it and I was the first virgin he had ever slept with.
It was amazing waking up in his arms the next morning though, my ring sparkling in the morning light on his chest. The skin to skin contact of us wrapped together, it was just wow. I think I liked waking up more than the sex portion.....okay, maybe not, but it came close second.
Our parents were all thrilled when we told everyone over Christmas Eve dinner at my house since his family does Christmas dinner and mine does Christmas Eve. It's about the only day a year where my parent's don't fight, they are just civil enough. I think is funny that my parent's fight because my step mom gets along really well with my mom, they are really good friends, which is kind of funny because my dad seems to hate my mom's guts and likewise.
I got him gift for Christmas and left it at his house but that night we did it again in the guest house at my house, we went for a walk after everyone was winding down and my mom left after we opened presents with her. She was leaving for a cruise with her new boyfriend the next day. Which is normal for me. I hadn't broken the news about quitting Julliard though. My dad knew, since he got all of my stuff shipped back to California but my mom didn't know and she wasn't going to find out until after New Years. We went for walk around my dad's massive property in the hills, and spent some time in the stables with my horses. I took out Candy and let him ride dad's horse Bordeaux. We rode in the night for like 20 minutes and then made the long walk back from the stables and ended up going into the guest house after searching around the front for the key, took freakin forever. But we did it again and I gave him head for the first time that night. It was really weird but I never got to taste him because he wore a condom when I did it. I was kind of glad a little. He takes the protection seriously which is freakin amazing, since I never had to worry and since I wasn't on the pill yet it was a good thing.
We went to all kinds of parties the following weeks after that and did it all the time, whenever we could get it in that is, but nothing ever kinky though. Thank god. But when I finally told my mom I wasn't going back toJuilliard she had a major freak out and totally blamed Matt, which wasn't his fault because I didn't even tell matt until right before I left and he asked whats with all he suitcases I packed. He was okay with it though. Things between us got rocky right after we hit valentine's day though, and then we ended up breaking up, which was because he wasn't giving me the time of day anymore and he said I shouldnt be worrying about him, I should be planning the wedding. 6 huge fights later we finally ended it and I threw the ring back in his face and grabbed my stuff and left his place. Find out later that I was being cheated on by stupid Matt. I went home and totally cried to Anne. My mom still hadn't forgiven me for quitting Ballet and my dad was working in Japan. So it sucked like no other and my stepmom Anne comforted me through the whole thing, she got ice cream and took me out like every day. It was nice of her to not say anything when she picked me up from the airport. I think she kind of knew since I came back early from the trip.
Love freaking sucks I tell you. and it kind of made me mad to see all those couples go to the place I once thought was sacred because that's where I was proposed to.
What is worst though was hearing stories from Anne's friends about the people they fell in love with back in the old daysthat they lost. One lady, Mrs. Lind, she found her old sweetheart but they can't be together because they both are married now and even though she loves her husband, she doesnt love him the same way as she loved her first love, and he is now married to someone else and happy I guess, and they would never jepordize their families to be with each other. Love is kinda like that, its this challenge and is full of obstacles and it just kind of sucks, since nothing really works out in the end. I kinda quit the whole debacle. I am pretty much over Matt though, kind of, like I still miss him, but I don't miss what he did to me, or want to be with him or anything, I just miss what we used to have, before the sex. Love is heartbreak, but the sex is good i guess.
I cried and cried because love is unfair and I finally just needed to come to terms with it. But now that I write this out things feel better and i better I guess. I guess I kind of just need to let things out finally since I pretty much bottled it up for the last 6 weeks but yea. We will back track again later. night all, have a great thursday!