(no subject)
i guess this journal is about me deciding to change everything...im starting over. brand new. i cant take this life that ive been living...ive always wondered why god picked me to have all of these problems...depression being the main one, but then i realized...im being so selfish. i work in two hospitals both of which are full of people with terminally ill sicknesses...but still somehow, they have so much hope. and me, i live in the suburbs in middle class america, with all of my heath, and the love from my mother, shawnacee and jared and everyone else....i take it all for granted. all of it. i feel so unworthy of everything i have, bc i truthfully am lucky. i put the people close to me through so much trauma with all of my shit. and im sorry, im sorry for every second of it. im sorry for being such a drunk, im sorry for crying in front of you everyday, not even concerned about your problems, or how your day was. its been all about me and my problems, my family, my depression, my everything. and somehow i will make it up to you. i cant promise that i'll stop drinking, but i do promise that i will cut down, and i'll try my hardest to take better care of myself...im quitting everything else. i sware. i feel like such a bitch, everyones always having to take care of me...ive been very immature. i used to have so much hope and ambition i just dont know where its all gone, ive got caught up in myself. i guess this is all so overwhelming, i mean, ive been oblivious to everything ive been doing over the past month and a half. and i mean my god, we'll start from the top. i let all of my happiness depend on kevin, that rediculous. kevin is nothing, hes replacable. in a heartbeat. and im sry that i let my getting over him change my demeanor. then after that my constant stages of abusing myself, in more ways than one, i mean its just stupid. but it doesnt matter, all of my idiotic ways are over, im gonna get back to the girl i was before. im gonna start using my new journal too, bc i dont want anybody reading the old entries of the way i used to be. im not sure what the address is gonna be, ill update my last entry soon and let you know. i truley am embarassed for my actions, and im going to stop all of it i promise. if it means i have to go back to the doctor, and get diff. meds, than i will. trust me on this. i'll do whatever it takes. i love you shawnacee, jared, kristen, haley, melissa, mom, chris, reyna...all the people who have actually showed they cared, even though they didnt have to. weather you were doing it just bc u wanted to get some, or just bc u felt like making me feel better that day...thanks. <3 taylor