Crap
I am a Dick. To you, To me, To her, To him. But is it my b? Should i be faulted for being a dick? I could be worse you know. I could let out what is inside. I can forget all this Zen crap and throw away my forgiveness. And in the end, it might actually help me. Because i think that even now in my "honest" state, i am hiding feelings and thoughts to protect all of you from the real me. This is all an act.
Lenaea was mucho choice awesome. Pwnfest.
Missed Jacob like a mo-fo.
But i need to admit that i finally realized that I am the problem. I am a SEEERIOUS PROOOOOOOBLEM. And I think i need some help to get over this PROOOOBLEM. Bradley was a huge help down there.
He and I have never really had a heart-to-heart like we did down there. It was good. I basically recounted everything that has gone wrong in the past 4 or 5 years. All the details. Even this summer. Which is still so hard for me to talk about. I had to seriously hold back some emotions in that nasty little vagabond executive inn room to keep my man status. (not crying). And I didn't. I eventually became mad. Furious even. I now understand what can make a person hate everything and nothing at the same time. I realized i was doing this to myself. Why do i do this? Somebody faults me? no big, i'll be the better person. People don't accept me? big whoop. But Bradley was appalled. He could not believe what he was hearing, and neither could Jeff once he woke up. "How did this happen?" they would ask. "And you still talk to them" was also popular. And if you can believe this, i defended you.
Turns out, all this forgiveness crap and putting on an act has finally started to have some adverse effects on people other than me. My relationship with everyone important to me has become a sham in my mind. Friendships are devalued, girlfriends are not getting the love and attention they deserve. And you. You still have it. All of you. You still have me and the thing of it is, I want me BACK. I want to feel good for my sake now. Not because i made somebody else feel better. I want to be able to totally devote myself to the people who have trusted me blindly through all of this. The people who could not even guess what has been going on.
It's like a blank canvas now. Bradley and Jeff marveled at how i could cope with things. They were stunned to discover my past. They had no idea how i could find the strength to even SMILE each day. And that got me thinking. The wheels were set in motion right when they started telling me what was wrong with me. I love too much. I trust too much. I give too much of me away.
And the sad thing is, no matter how many layers of this stinky onion called life come off of me, i will never be able to tell all of you how i truly feel about you. All of you. The ones I have loved, still love, and wish i could love. But it just isn't meant to be. I am tired of taking the blame. You guys screwed up. And not just in general either. You guys screwed ME up. and now it's time for ME to take control.
Taylor=pissed. and not the "haha funny guy who can control his emotions" pissed. This is the "Incredible Hulk green skin kill innocent animals at the humane society" pissed.
Is it time to cut out the cancer?
Lenaea was mucho choice awesome. Pwnfest.
Missed Jacob like a mo-fo.
But i need to admit that i finally realized that I am the problem. I am a SEEERIOUS PROOOOOOOBLEM. And I think i need some help to get over this PROOOOBLEM. Bradley was a huge help down there.
He and I have never really had a heart-to-heart like we did down there. It was good. I basically recounted everything that has gone wrong in the past 4 or 5 years. All the details. Even this summer. Which is still so hard for me to talk about. I had to seriously hold back some emotions in that nasty little vagabond executive inn room to keep my man status. (not crying). And I didn't. I eventually became mad. Furious even. I now understand what can make a person hate everything and nothing at the same time. I realized i was doing this to myself. Why do i do this? Somebody faults me? no big, i'll be the better person. People don't accept me? big whoop. But Bradley was appalled. He could not believe what he was hearing, and neither could Jeff once he woke up. "How did this happen?" they would ask. "And you still talk to them" was also popular. And if you can believe this, i defended you.
Turns out, all this forgiveness crap and putting on an act has finally started to have some adverse effects on people other than me. My relationship with everyone important to me has become a sham in my mind. Friendships are devalued, girlfriends are not getting the love and attention they deserve. And you. You still have it. All of you. You still have me and the thing of it is, I want me BACK. I want to feel good for my sake now. Not because i made somebody else feel better. I want to be able to totally devote myself to the people who have trusted me blindly through all of this. The people who could not even guess what has been going on.
It's like a blank canvas now. Bradley and Jeff marveled at how i could cope with things. They were stunned to discover my past. They had no idea how i could find the strength to even SMILE each day. And that got me thinking. The wheels were set in motion right when they started telling me what was wrong with me. I love too much. I trust too much. I give too much of me away.
And the sad thing is, no matter how many layers of this stinky onion called life come off of me, i will never be able to tell all of you how i truly feel about you. All of you. The ones I have loved, still love, and wish i could love. But it just isn't meant to be. I am tired of taking the blame. You guys screwed up. And not just in general either. You guys screwed ME up. and now it's time for ME to take control.
Taylor=pissed. and not the "haha funny guy who can control his emotions" pissed. This is the "Incredible Hulk green skin kill innocent animals at the humane society" pissed.
Is it time to cut out the cancer?