(no subject)
this week was weird but fun non the less:
wednesday- i hung out with patch we went "swimming" in blake's pool, along with connor boyce and kyle, more like they dumped buckets of water on me until i finally was wet...but i still didnt go in. lol yah then we raided his kitchen (cause thats what me and patch do! lol) and then we went to her house and made pudding. Afterwards garrett came over and we hung out and stuff. it was fun just to chill with him and patch. then garrett left and i went to maranatha with blake, eric m, eric s, casey and big kyle (man i miss him :( but yah...) and tim it was fun we played basketball and goofed off...then we went to erics hang out..then i went home
thursday/friday - by this time all my friends are gone... kelsey- hawaii (lucky) patch- san fransisco Katie- La and becca- arizona...so all i really have is garrett because casey and eric are as reliable as a paper bag... ha thats a good one, sigh... so yah me and garrett kept making plans but nothing ever seemed to happen. and so by now im in kinda a bad mood so i sit in my room for 2 days straight hahah im a loser but whatttttever.. and to make it worse ryan yells and me because he is in canada and haveing an even worse summer then me...so whatever he can whine ill just not talk to him. then i cleaned out my closet for all the clothes i dont wear and brought them to platos closet in escondido. it was good because i got money for a bunch of stuff i dont even wear, and i got a great book.
saturday- KATIES HOME YAY! lol so we go running it was such a nice run, it was packed at canyonside but it was still great. i love running, i like the feeling you get when people stare at you, because you know they wish they were running. well iono if they think that but i know i always think that when i see someone running, i always want that to be me. Not just for the freedom but just to do somthing besides waste away. so we run saw alot of soccerness going on and i also saw garrett but iono he was too cool to say hi or even to invite me to the park but whatever i didnt feel like going with him and some girl and other two guys :/ whatever..it seems like alot of feelings have changed this summer ANYWAYS after my mom took me and my sister to sportsmart to get mouth gaurds for field hockey camp we had today. so after we pick up katie and garrett and then go see napolean dynamite which has to be one of the funniest movies EVER! lol...and i have one of the best times at the movies. for some reasons i really let my feelings get to me that night. it felt weird/not like me, but it felt soooo good. ah, im so mean :(
today(sunday)- i went to field hockey camp with my sister, it was FUN but kinda nerve racking at the same time...like i had no clue what i was doing but for some reason i just wanted to get out there and play. i hope i make a team at westview, it would probably be one of the best things that happens to me, and i dont know why..field hockey makes me feel good about myself :) then after i went to a softball party for my sisters team, im sorry the season is over..i loved those girls so much, i cant explain it, its just like a giant sisterhood we had, and im the oldest sister lol. (like in the divine secrets of the ya-ay sisterhood) ok well after the party i came home and read. i got this incredible book and for some reason i cant put it down. for some reason i can relate to the guy i guess, i love it. so now im just relaxing and waiting for garrett to come back...
im falling for the wrong guy...and its sad because after the fight with ryan, i would normally feel bad, but for some reason i dont care. he can stay in canada for all i care..that's mean huh? sorry. even my horoscope agrees with me (i think, or at least it means somthing) it says- "you should enjoy a good mood today, so feel free to strike out toward somthing you believe in. There will most certainly be a magical element to this day, that you should not only believe in but encourage. miracles are only possible if you believe they are. Let your fanciful mind realize somthing compeletly out of thin air. Lean toward that which is new and unconventional. The times are rapidly changing." once i read that i was like woah. somtimes i think that the internet people who make up this stuff have a camera stashed in my room or hack onto my computer, because some of the stuff they say really relates to me...does that happen to anyone else or am i just really weird or both? ha. but anyways i am in a good mood thinking of someone totally different than the person i really should be thinking about and life seems so good for these last days of summer, but i know thats going to change august 23, for 2 reasons. 1)i have field hockey try-outs which can make or break me. and 2) ryan comes home from canada and i know i cant avoid him forever. Even though sometimes i wish i could crawl in a hole and hide from certain people who make me think they were set out to ruin my life but i know thats not true. i know that cant happen so ill just have to talk to him. I know it wont be easy but i have to do it. I mean, i love ryan he was like one of my best friends i could have talked to him about anything, i really dont know what happend to that(i kinda miss it)...but nowadays ever since that one night it hasnt been the same, and going to canada for 2 months really didnt help the situation. the first couple of weeks he was gone i couldnt think of anything else to do because he was on my mind 24/7, i prayed that he would come home all of the sudden the next day. I stayed online for hours and hours just to see if he would come online to talk to me..but usually he never did. I turned down sleepovers just so i could sit at my computer and see if i could get that one hour to talk to him, just to tell him how much i missed him and every detail of my day. But everytime we talked it would seem like the time between our conversations grew longer and longer to a point where instead of everyday it would be every other-day or every other-2 days. We didnt talk alot but every now and then he would call me but he would always have to leave to go out with his friends, which i hate the most because i know what he does with them..and i really do hate it. I have told him time and time again how i feel about what he does and he says the same thing..."you should like me for me and not what i do." But i think, doesnt what you do make the person you are? and so the days just grew longer and the time we talked was short. It got to the point where we didnt talk for weeks, and soon then i just gave up. my feelings really ran out. i felt bad so i kept up the serade of liking him saying to myself that when he got home it would all be better. well...there was also another thing distracting me from ryan, well it wasnt really a thing it was more like a boy. i talked to my friends about it and they said if i had to hold on to my feelings that hard it probably wasnt even worth the effort...i knew they were right. So the next time we talked, i told him, not about the boy...about my feelings. i said it wasnt gonna work out and i really missed our friendship. well...that didnt go so great, he flipped out. he yelled at me, gave me the guilt trip and did everything that girls fear when breaking up with a guy. the sad thing is we werent even going out! so yah we didnt really talk after that. he was sad and so was i but i cant really help my feelings. a couple days passed and i started to feel free, and it felt good, ha too bad it didnt even last a day. that night i went to the movies with a bunch of people...well stuff happend and i dont know, but being in that movie being with that boy it really didnt feel right at all, i mean ryan wanted to see that movie with me and i could see why, it was sweet. and even though it was a sad sad movie and i did cry but some of the tears were me thinking of what a bad person i was to do that to ryan. the rest of the night i felt icky, like i was a bitch and that i could never get rid of that feeling. i called ryan i told him everything, and then he told me he was talking with his ex-gf again..and even though what i did was bad and it kinda made me feel better and it kinda made me mad...because how could he do that to me? stupid huh? well so yah..i told him i wanted to be friends mainly until he got back. he said ok but i knew he thought differently about the situation. he still really liked me and i felt bad because i didnt have a sitch of feeling left for him like that, more like a brother..and i felt like i was leading him on to a point where i cant turn back unless i break his heart. so days go on, i think its ok and ill just wait for him to come home. well remember that boy from before? well i start talking to him, he turns out to be the nicest guy in the world. after that whole movie thing i told him i needed to wait for ryan, but i lied. i thought i didnt like him at all and i know its gonna hurt him to read that, but we still talked...for hours upon hours...i felt that i had someone there for me, some one who cared about me, someone who thinks im beautiful, someone who offers to solve my problems, even though i am the coldest person to him most of the time...HE made me feel good. so i guess im falling for him now, because he is one of the greatest guys i know. so after feeling this way for a couple days, i talk to ryan again...he is in a bad mood and soo am i (we are so much alike that this is a big mistake) he tells me what a crappy summer he has had and then i yell at him telling him ive been sitting here with all this shit in my head and he could care less. so yah that blows up in both our faces and you really dont want to mess with me when im in a bad mood...lol so i just say i cant talk to him and he leaves. he calls me that night and i hang up on him...i really couldnt handle talking to him right then...i mean, i was emotionally unstable. so now im not talking to him, but i cant blow him off for this new spectacular guy that happens to be on my mind as much as this STUPID un-relationship with some guy who left me for 2 months after telling me he has liked me for like the whole 2nd term...yah BAH! what am i to do? but i think ill wait for ryan to come home and for school to start because if i want to get away i can just say im busy with school work or field hockey (cause i probably will be anyways) and give me a chance to get away from this messy game called teenage drama. ha i cant wait for college.
In the mean time ill just enjoy the few last days of summer (sad) and soak up the sun as sheryl crow puts it. ah, i cant wait for patch to come home so i can talk to her, because i really do love that girl and i know i can talk to her about anything. and i cant wait for kelsey and becca to come home because i miss them and thank god for katie otherwise i would go crazy and have no running partner!! and i have the best times with all my girls!! ah, friends are the best huh?
haha well i just wrote a whole bunch and im sorry for wasting your time but i feel if i write things down it helps me straighted out thoughts in my head...and it also might intrest you to take a little peak inside my brain. comment if you want.
ha im a loser :) but even though alot of stuff is happening i really think life isnt that bad and i really do love it!!
wednesday- i hung out with patch we went "swimming" in blake's pool, along with connor boyce and kyle, more like they dumped buckets of water on me until i finally was wet...but i still didnt go in. lol yah then we raided his kitchen (cause thats what me and patch do! lol) and then we went to her house and made pudding. Afterwards garrett came over and we hung out and stuff. it was fun just to chill with him and patch. then garrett left and i went to maranatha with blake, eric m, eric s, casey and big kyle (man i miss him :( but yah...) and tim it was fun we played basketball and goofed off...then we went to erics hang out..then i went home
thursday/friday - by this time all my friends are gone... kelsey- hawaii (lucky) patch- san fransisco Katie- La and becca- arizona...so all i really have is garrett because casey and eric are as reliable as a paper bag... ha thats a good one, sigh... so yah me and garrett kept making plans but nothing ever seemed to happen. and so by now im in kinda a bad mood so i sit in my room for 2 days straight hahah im a loser but whatttttever.. and to make it worse ryan yells and me because he is in canada and haveing an even worse summer then me...so whatever he can whine ill just not talk to him. then i cleaned out my closet for all the clothes i dont wear and brought them to platos closet in escondido. it was good because i got money for a bunch of stuff i dont even wear, and i got a great book.
saturday- KATIES HOME YAY! lol so we go running it was such a nice run, it was packed at canyonside but it was still great. i love running, i like the feeling you get when people stare at you, because you know they wish they were running. well iono if they think that but i know i always think that when i see someone running, i always want that to be me. Not just for the freedom but just to do somthing besides waste away. so we run saw alot of soccerness going on and i also saw garrett but iono he was too cool to say hi or even to invite me to the park but whatever i didnt feel like going with him and some girl and other two guys :/ whatever..it seems like alot of feelings have changed this summer ANYWAYS after my mom took me and my sister to sportsmart to get mouth gaurds for field hockey camp we had today. so after we pick up katie and garrett and then go see napolean dynamite which has to be one of the funniest movies EVER! lol...and i have one of the best times at the movies. for some reasons i really let my feelings get to me that night. it felt weird/not like me, but it felt soooo good. ah, im so mean :(
today(sunday)- i went to field hockey camp with my sister, it was FUN but kinda nerve racking at the same time...like i had no clue what i was doing but for some reason i just wanted to get out there and play. i hope i make a team at westview, it would probably be one of the best things that happens to me, and i dont know why..field hockey makes me feel good about myself :) then after i went to a softball party for my sisters team, im sorry the season is over..i loved those girls so much, i cant explain it, its just like a giant sisterhood we had, and im the oldest sister lol. (like in the divine secrets of the ya-ay sisterhood) ok well after the party i came home and read. i got this incredible book and for some reason i cant put it down. for some reason i can relate to the guy i guess, i love it. so now im just relaxing and waiting for garrett to come back...
im falling for the wrong guy...and its sad because after the fight with ryan, i would normally feel bad, but for some reason i dont care. he can stay in canada for all i care..that's mean huh? sorry. even my horoscope agrees with me (i think, or at least it means somthing) it says- "you should enjoy a good mood today, so feel free to strike out toward somthing you believe in. There will most certainly be a magical element to this day, that you should not only believe in but encourage. miracles are only possible if you believe they are. Let your fanciful mind realize somthing compeletly out of thin air. Lean toward that which is new and unconventional. The times are rapidly changing." once i read that i was like woah. somtimes i think that the internet people who make up this stuff have a camera stashed in my room or hack onto my computer, because some of the stuff they say really relates to me...does that happen to anyone else or am i just really weird or both? ha. but anyways i am in a good mood thinking of someone totally different than the person i really should be thinking about and life seems so good for these last days of summer, but i know thats going to change august 23, for 2 reasons. 1)i have field hockey try-outs which can make or break me. and 2) ryan comes home from canada and i know i cant avoid him forever. Even though sometimes i wish i could crawl in a hole and hide from certain people who make me think they were set out to ruin my life but i know thats not true. i know that cant happen so ill just have to talk to him. I know it wont be easy but i have to do it. I mean, i love ryan he was like one of my best friends i could have talked to him about anything, i really dont know what happend to that(i kinda miss it)...but nowadays ever since that one night it hasnt been the same, and going to canada for 2 months really didnt help the situation. the first couple of weeks he was gone i couldnt think of anything else to do because he was on my mind 24/7, i prayed that he would come home all of the sudden the next day. I stayed online for hours and hours just to see if he would come online to talk to me..but usually he never did. I turned down sleepovers just so i could sit at my computer and see if i could get that one hour to talk to him, just to tell him how much i missed him and every detail of my day. But everytime we talked it would seem like the time between our conversations grew longer and longer to a point where instead of everyday it would be every other-day or every other-2 days. We didnt talk alot but every now and then he would call me but he would always have to leave to go out with his friends, which i hate the most because i know what he does with them..and i really do hate it. I have told him time and time again how i feel about what he does and he says the same thing..."you should like me for me and not what i do." But i think, doesnt what you do make the person you are? and so the days just grew longer and the time we talked was short. It got to the point where we didnt talk for weeks, and soon then i just gave up. my feelings really ran out. i felt bad so i kept up the serade of liking him saying to myself that when he got home it would all be better. well...there was also another thing distracting me from ryan, well it wasnt really a thing it was more like a boy. i talked to my friends about it and they said if i had to hold on to my feelings that hard it probably wasnt even worth the effort...i knew they were right. So the next time we talked, i told him, not about the boy...about my feelings. i said it wasnt gonna work out and i really missed our friendship. well...that didnt go so great, he flipped out. he yelled at me, gave me the guilt trip and did everything that girls fear when breaking up with a guy. the sad thing is we werent even going out! so yah we didnt really talk after that. he was sad and so was i but i cant really help my feelings. a couple days passed and i started to feel free, and it felt good, ha too bad it didnt even last a day. that night i went to the movies with a bunch of people...well stuff happend and i dont know, but being in that movie being with that boy it really didnt feel right at all, i mean ryan wanted to see that movie with me and i could see why, it was sweet. and even though it was a sad sad movie and i did cry but some of the tears were me thinking of what a bad person i was to do that to ryan. the rest of the night i felt icky, like i was a bitch and that i could never get rid of that feeling. i called ryan i told him everything, and then he told me he was talking with his ex-gf again..and even though what i did was bad and it kinda made me feel better and it kinda made me mad...because how could he do that to me? stupid huh? well so yah..i told him i wanted to be friends mainly until he got back. he said ok but i knew he thought differently about the situation. he still really liked me and i felt bad because i didnt have a sitch of feeling left for him like that, more like a brother..and i felt like i was leading him on to a point where i cant turn back unless i break his heart. so days go on, i think its ok and ill just wait for him to come home. well remember that boy from before? well i start talking to him, he turns out to be the nicest guy in the world. after that whole movie thing i told him i needed to wait for ryan, but i lied. i thought i didnt like him at all and i know its gonna hurt him to read that, but we still talked...for hours upon hours...i felt that i had someone there for me, some one who cared about me, someone who thinks im beautiful, someone who offers to solve my problems, even though i am the coldest person to him most of the time...HE made me feel good. so i guess im falling for him now, because he is one of the greatest guys i know. so after feeling this way for a couple days, i talk to ryan again...he is in a bad mood and soo am i (we are so much alike that this is a big mistake) he tells me what a crappy summer he has had and then i yell at him telling him ive been sitting here with all this shit in my head and he could care less. so yah that blows up in both our faces and you really dont want to mess with me when im in a bad mood...lol so i just say i cant talk to him and he leaves. he calls me that night and i hang up on him...i really couldnt handle talking to him right then...i mean, i was emotionally unstable. so now im not talking to him, but i cant blow him off for this new spectacular guy that happens to be on my mind as much as this STUPID un-relationship with some guy who left me for 2 months after telling me he has liked me for like the whole 2nd term...yah BAH! what am i to do? but i think ill wait for ryan to come home and for school to start because if i want to get away i can just say im busy with school work or field hockey (cause i probably will be anyways) and give me a chance to get away from this messy game called teenage drama. ha i cant wait for college.
In the mean time ill just enjoy the few last days of summer (sad) and soak up the sun as sheryl crow puts it. ah, i cant wait for patch to come home so i can talk to her, because i really do love that girl and i know i can talk to her about anything. and i cant wait for kelsey and becca to come home because i miss them and thank god for katie otherwise i would go crazy and have no running partner!! and i have the best times with all my girls!! ah, friends are the best huh?
haha well i just wrote a whole bunch and im sorry for wasting your time but i feel if i write things down it helps me straighted out thoughts in my head...and it also might intrest you to take a little peak inside my brain. comment if you want.
ha im a loser :) but even though alot of stuff is happening i really think life isnt that bad and i really do love it!!