another day passed
so my friend taylor is back in town and we hang out at pbodies tonight. it was cool seeing him again.. but im reminded why i stopped hanging out with the usual crowd there. i hate the atmosphere and i hate th edrama. im done with drama. so i escaped and found a new group of friends and its been great ever since. you guys all roxor. but it seems, wherever i go, drama follows. is it me? do i bring it? i hope not. all im trying to do is be a freind. nothing more. i care b/c i care. i threw a motor in this customers car tonight by myself... aone with my thoughts. the best i could come up with was:
lskhdbsdkvbslkevbse;kvbe;vbe;vb
so i thought somemore. im not angry, but im not happy either. so i thought of some things that i need out of friendships
dont ignore me
dont ditch me
dont string me along for personal gain
dont read into me
dont misconstrue me
dont belittle me
dont jeer
dont be a hypocrit
dont put on a show
its a very self explanatory list that goes on for miles. but i guess life goes on. we all do. we all make decisions everyday that we know we shouldnt make. why do we? is it for comfort? is it b/c were scared of what else may be out there? rejection? is it a fear to behappy? is it apathy? is it pity? or is it just to see if you can do something? is it for the challenge? or is it b/c its just easy? i ponder these things everytime i make a decision. but i guess there are some things just left ot time and for us all to figure out on our own. how many times do i need ot burn myself on a stove before i know to stop touching it? how many drinks do i have before i say stop?
i guess im just rambling now... i dont even know what to say anymore. ive only been on LJ for a little while and i already hate it. i want to vent, but yet i feel so censored. i hate the internet. i hate TV and i hate media. i want self expression and true self honesty. im done with life. im done with people. im done with hope and dreams and anything unobtainable. im done with congeniality and im done with compassion. im done with work. im done with family. im done.
at the end of my senior yr i went through a huge change and told myself i would be th ebest person i could ever be... and you know what.. i was. that was 6yrs ago. i dont know what ive become since. i do know i learned bitterness and humility. ive lost dignity and felt unkindness. i changed again last june when i lost who i thouhgt was the love of my life. but i moved on. and i got over it. then in july i changed again. i became stronger, more confident. since i have evolved into who i am today; an amogolation of my friends and experiences. i have made mistakes and mended cracks in relationships. i have established new families and have burned bridges. i have walked with the devil and learned that he is not real. i have prayed to god and have read his fables. i have learned secrets, and made some of my own.
now i am stuck. stuck in a swirl of emotions that i cant control. i laugh and hurt at the same time. i hate and love all at the same time. but its with this tornado that i wake everyday and hope for a better pace. i dropped my guards of protection and suffered the attacks of the heart. i may laugh out loud, but its silent inside. my home is empty as am i and i hope only for the day to wake up to a new dream. a dream of reality fortified by love and replenish my starvign soul. the tears stopped long ago when i realized they do no good.
but with each day, it passes. like a mini reset button i try forth again and pave the way to my seemingly bleak future.
at least my dog can lick her own ass.... i wish i could.. well... she MIGHT let me.
lskhdbsdkvbslkevbse;kvbe;vbe;vb
so i thought somemore. im not angry, but im not happy either. so i thought of some things that i need out of friendships
dont ignore me
dont ditch me
dont string me along for personal gain
dont read into me
dont misconstrue me
dont belittle me
dont jeer
dont be a hypocrit
dont put on a show
its a very self explanatory list that goes on for miles. but i guess life goes on. we all do. we all make decisions everyday that we know we shouldnt make. why do we? is it for comfort? is it b/c were scared of what else may be out there? rejection? is it a fear to behappy? is it apathy? is it pity? or is it just to see if you can do something? is it for the challenge? or is it b/c its just easy? i ponder these things everytime i make a decision. but i guess there are some things just left ot time and for us all to figure out on our own. how many times do i need ot burn myself on a stove before i know to stop touching it? how many drinks do i have before i say stop?
i guess im just rambling now... i dont even know what to say anymore. ive only been on LJ for a little while and i already hate it. i want to vent, but yet i feel so censored. i hate the internet. i hate TV and i hate media. i want self expression and true self honesty. im done with life. im done with people. im done with hope and dreams and anything unobtainable. im done with congeniality and im done with compassion. im done with work. im done with family. im done.
at the end of my senior yr i went through a huge change and told myself i would be th ebest person i could ever be... and you know what.. i was. that was 6yrs ago. i dont know what ive become since. i do know i learned bitterness and humility. ive lost dignity and felt unkindness. i changed again last june when i lost who i thouhgt was the love of my life. but i moved on. and i got over it. then in july i changed again. i became stronger, more confident. since i have evolved into who i am today; an amogolation of my friends and experiences. i have made mistakes and mended cracks in relationships. i have established new families and have burned bridges. i have walked with the devil and learned that he is not real. i have prayed to god and have read his fables. i have learned secrets, and made some of my own.
now i am stuck. stuck in a swirl of emotions that i cant control. i laugh and hurt at the same time. i hate and love all at the same time. but its with this tornado that i wake everyday and hope for a better pace. i dropped my guards of protection and suffered the attacks of the heart. i may laugh out loud, but its silent inside. my home is empty as am i and i hope only for the day to wake up to a new dream. a dream of reality fortified by love and replenish my starvign soul. the tears stopped long ago when i realized they do no good.
but with each day, it passes. like a mini reset button i try forth again and pave the way to my seemingly bleak future.
at least my dog can lick her own ass.... i wish i could.. well... she MIGHT let me.