A tough choice...
I met someone recently that I really like, and I'm really inspired by the kind of person that he is.. It's made me start to really think about myself and my life.. alot. I've talked about him quite a bit in other online postings that I have.. here are a few:
Last night was by far one of the best nights of my life... I am scared that if I talk to much more about it that I will somehow jinx what I think is going to be a great new chapter in my life... Someone now has my full attention and my thoughts will be of them quite often.. I hope they realize how much of an impact they had on me.. I won't soon forget this past evening..
( Nothing crazy, nasty or dirty happened for those of you I know are gonna ask... LOL But something even better.. I think I connected with someone which I've not done in quite a while.. Not like this )
Nuff Said! I shall leave the rest between myself and the wonderful person I was hanging with last night.. You know who you are :o) I'm a little typsy, sorry if my grammar and spelling are all whacked :oP
Ever Had...
One of those days where things just start to hit you all at once? I mean today of all days, I'm not sure why.. I've just been an emotional roller coaster! Everything was per usual and fine and dandy.. them BAM! I was a total scatter brain, and couldn't get what I was doing from one minute to the next to stick on my mind long enough for me to remember.. Then.. I'm totally bitchy and not wanting to be around anyone pretty much.. and as soon as that moood faded out,... the tears started flowing =( Clarity, although best in life, isn't always the easiest. It tends to make us have to confront everything wrong with ourselves and our lives.. even the things we don't want to admit are wrong to begin with. That list is quite long in my case, I won't lie... I'm rambling I guess.. it's just weird though. Most of the time I am totally composed and leveled out emotionally.. and then out of nowhere.. I'm all out of whack!! I guess we all have to let shit out now and then in order to keep from bursting... I just didn't want today to be the day.. that these things all came to surface and struck my conscious.
Looking back...
Well the emotional roller coaster of a day ended on the most calm and peaceful note that it could have. I met with the person I've spoken of previously in these blogs last night for our 2nd, "kinda-date, hang out sorta thing"... He made dinner, we watched a movie.. ok he watched a movie.. i passed out on the couch holding onto his arm and laying my head on his shoulder.. ( I never fall asleep around people I'm not used to so easily )... Then we played video games for a bit, and then just talked in bed until I passed out again, and then started snoring so loud the poor guy had to go sleep on the couch. :oP I have bad allergies, and there's alot of cedar where he lives. I hate to say what I'm about to say, because I tend to make fun of people for being this dreamy-eyed, and full of hope about things... But I seriously think this person was put in my life at this exact moment for a reason. Granted I have no clue what that reason is, but I know that since having met him.. Well let me just say this first... He's one of the few people that you meet in life that right away you just know he's truly a good-hearted person that doesn't really do wrong.. The kind that may not always make the choices they feel are best, but really are making choices better than most of us in life. Just listening to him talk, and being in the room with him, and being around him.. there are so many things about how he carries himself, and how he treats me, his views on things.. that I really admire in someone as young as him. Seeing him with his daughter this morning when I woke up, completely made me miss my daughter Tori... It just urged me to call her a few minutes ago and arrange for a visit. Maybe I'm having a nervous breakdown.. Maybe I'm just crazy.. I never imagined that meeting one person at the right moment, and seeing in them the things that you have been contemplating a change for in your own life.. brought in front of you in the form of someone you already find beautiful outside as well as in... could do what it did.. I cried most of the way home.. mostly while praying and.. asking for the strength to follow through the changes I have recently made, and to take one step further with other changes I had yet to make. I don't honestly think I've ever met someone that I felt was better than me.. until now. I mean that as the utmost compliment to this person.. Everything about what lies behind his eyes is totally pure. Just being around him, makes me want to change myself.. not in a bad way. Something about him inspires me to get off my fucking ass and take hold of things that I should have long ago.. and stop going through the motions of getting my life together and actually do it. I don't know that I deserve having him come into my life.. He could do much better than someone like myself.. But if anything.. I'm glad I met him, if not for anything else.. than for him to inspire me to start thinking about the things that I have. I think today is the day, that I leave behind many things that have hovered in my life for years now. And I just never had the courage to flat out, abolish these things from my life... Alot is about to change, and in some drastic ways..
I just got back from attending evening services with my niece at her church.. No I'm not going all religious or anything.. I do think I need a bit more center to my life. And a little spirituality couldn't hurt. I am going through my messenger lists, and phone #'s right now.... All the friends I have that are perpetually wrapped up in the drug scene, no matter how much I may care for them as people.. I'm deleting them. If and when they get themselves out of that scene, and show that they are actually going to do something with themselves.. then I shall make an effort to re-build a friendship. Today marks the day of my going... by choice...
Stone Cold Sober... I'm 29 years old.. and I could be a hell of alot further than where I want to be in life, if I wasn't always letting these losers distract me with constant partying, and always being wrapped up in trivial club life and drama. This isn't really an easy choice to make being that I perform in this scene, and rely a great deal on my social standing as a means of getting more crowds to come to my shows, and the more people, generally.. the more money I make. So as a part of this choice.. I won't be performing again until I have enough will power to be in that scene and not allow myself to become influenced by such distractions...
Something happened.. nothing I can honestly explain.. I'm just seeing things in a totally different light today. I think alot has to do with Jason.. there's just something about him.. I can't quite pin point what it is.. But it's made me realize from being with him.. that I'm not all that happy with me and where I've let my life go. I know this is probably one of the harder things I will have to do in my life.. Especially since I hate being alone.. And I'm about to blacklist more than half my friends... But I know that if they care about me.. They will realize that this is something that I must do.. and it has nothing to do with them. If they take offense by what I'm doing.. well then.. I didn't need them in my life to begin with. That moment in life that we all think about, where everything changes and you just wake up and take charge.. has happened. Wish me luck, this isn't going to be an easy journey.
Last night was by far one of the best nights of my life... I am scared that if I talk to much more about it that I will somehow jinx what I think is going to be a great new chapter in my life... Someone now has my full attention and my thoughts will be of them quite often.. I hope they realize how much of an impact they had on me.. I won't soon forget this past evening..
( Nothing crazy, nasty or dirty happened for those of you I know are gonna ask... LOL But something even better.. I think I connected with someone which I've not done in quite a while.. Not like this )
Nuff Said! I shall leave the rest between myself and the wonderful person I was hanging with last night.. You know who you are :o) I'm a little typsy, sorry if my grammar and spelling are all whacked :oP
Ever Had...
One of those days where things just start to hit you all at once? I mean today of all days, I'm not sure why.. I've just been an emotional roller coaster! Everything was per usual and fine and dandy.. them BAM! I was a total scatter brain, and couldn't get what I was doing from one minute to the next to stick on my mind long enough for me to remember.. Then.. I'm totally bitchy and not wanting to be around anyone pretty much.. and as soon as that moood faded out,... the tears started flowing =( Clarity, although best in life, isn't always the easiest. It tends to make us have to confront everything wrong with ourselves and our lives.. even the things we don't want to admit are wrong to begin with. That list is quite long in my case, I won't lie... I'm rambling I guess.. it's just weird though. Most of the time I am totally composed and leveled out emotionally.. and then out of nowhere.. I'm all out of whack!! I guess we all have to let shit out now and then in order to keep from bursting... I just didn't want today to be the day.. that these things all came to surface and struck my conscious.
Looking back...
Well the emotional roller coaster of a day ended on the most calm and peaceful note that it could have. I met with the person I've spoken of previously in these blogs last night for our 2nd, "kinda-date, hang out sorta thing"... He made dinner, we watched a movie.. ok he watched a movie.. i passed out on the couch holding onto his arm and laying my head on his shoulder.. ( I never fall asleep around people I'm not used to so easily )... Then we played video games for a bit, and then just talked in bed until I passed out again, and then started snoring so loud the poor guy had to go sleep on the couch. :oP I have bad allergies, and there's alot of cedar where he lives. I hate to say what I'm about to say, because I tend to make fun of people for being this dreamy-eyed, and full of hope about things... But I seriously think this person was put in my life at this exact moment for a reason. Granted I have no clue what that reason is, but I know that since having met him.. Well let me just say this first... He's one of the few people that you meet in life that right away you just know he's truly a good-hearted person that doesn't really do wrong.. The kind that may not always make the choices they feel are best, but really are making choices better than most of us in life. Just listening to him talk, and being in the room with him, and being around him.. there are so many things about how he carries himself, and how he treats me, his views on things.. that I really admire in someone as young as him. Seeing him with his daughter this morning when I woke up, completely made me miss my daughter Tori... It just urged me to call her a few minutes ago and arrange for a visit. Maybe I'm having a nervous breakdown.. Maybe I'm just crazy.. I never imagined that meeting one person at the right moment, and seeing in them the things that you have been contemplating a change for in your own life.. brought in front of you in the form of someone you already find beautiful outside as well as in... could do what it did.. I cried most of the way home.. mostly while praying and.. asking for the strength to follow through the changes I have recently made, and to take one step further with other changes I had yet to make. I don't honestly think I've ever met someone that I felt was better than me.. until now. I mean that as the utmost compliment to this person.. Everything about what lies behind his eyes is totally pure. Just being around him, makes me want to change myself.. not in a bad way. Something about him inspires me to get off my fucking ass and take hold of things that I should have long ago.. and stop going through the motions of getting my life together and actually do it. I don't know that I deserve having him come into my life.. He could do much better than someone like myself.. But if anything.. I'm glad I met him, if not for anything else.. than for him to inspire me to start thinking about the things that I have. I think today is the day, that I leave behind many things that have hovered in my life for years now. And I just never had the courage to flat out, abolish these things from my life... Alot is about to change, and in some drastic ways..
I just got back from attending evening services with my niece at her church.. No I'm not going all religious or anything.. I do think I need a bit more center to my life. And a little spirituality couldn't hurt. I am going through my messenger lists, and phone #'s right now.... All the friends I have that are perpetually wrapped up in the drug scene, no matter how much I may care for them as people.. I'm deleting them. If and when they get themselves out of that scene, and show that they are actually going to do something with themselves.. then I shall make an effort to re-build a friendship. Today marks the day of my going... by choice...
Stone Cold Sober... I'm 29 years old.. and I could be a hell of alot further than where I want to be in life, if I wasn't always letting these losers distract me with constant partying, and always being wrapped up in trivial club life and drama. This isn't really an easy choice to make being that I perform in this scene, and rely a great deal on my social standing as a means of getting more crowds to come to my shows, and the more people, generally.. the more money I make. So as a part of this choice.. I won't be performing again until I have enough will power to be in that scene and not allow myself to become influenced by such distractions...
Something happened.. nothing I can honestly explain.. I'm just seeing things in a totally different light today. I think alot has to do with Jason.. there's just something about him.. I can't quite pin point what it is.. But it's made me realize from being with him.. that I'm not all that happy with me and where I've let my life go. I know this is probably one of the harder things I will have to do in my life.. Especially since I hate being alone.. And I'm about to blacklist more than half my friends... But I know that if they care about me.. They will realize that this is something that I must do.. and it has nothing to do with them. If they take offense by what I'm doing.. well then.. I didn't need them in my life to begin with. That moment in life that we all think about, where everything changes and you just wake up and take charge.. has happened. Wish me luck, this isn't going to be an easy journey.