Body language
Anyone else always picture Ursula from The Little Mermaid when you hear the term 'body language'?
No? Just me?
Anyway.
So, along with the curly hair, and working from home, the other new thing I'm doing during COVID lockdown is trying to lose some weight. I signed up for Noom, and I've been weighing myself daily, and I'm 1lb away from losing a stone since starting. However, this has been slow progress (lockdown forcing me to spend far too much time at home - thanks, coronavirus), and also hampered by a growing realisation that... I don't hate my body?
I know, I was shocked too.
At 36, having had decades of experience hating my body, this has come as something as a surprise.
I loathed my body growing up. I always felt I was the 'fat' friend, especially when my best friend was blonde, slim, and beautiful. I hated getting ready to go out with her. She'd slip into a slinky little black dress (crushed velvet, this was the tail end of the 90s afterall), and I would awkwardly try and do something with my puffy ginger hair, and hide my body behind a blouse and trousers, or long skirt. And I was miserable.
I've been looking at old photos recently, and I nearly cried remembering how much I hated my body. And the tragic thing is, looking at those photos, I was not remotely fat (I did have poofy hair though). I had a flat stomach. I could have worn crop tops and bikinis and looked FINE, but I would never have believed it back then, and that breaks my heart for young!me.
Flat. Belly. I could have been in a bikini, but nooooo.
Now, however, I am overweight. I'd like to blame my boobs, but my belly is at fault too. I work a sedentary job, sitting in front of a computer all day, and only used to make it to the gym once a week pre-lockdown. The motivation for losing weight came from being told by doctors that I am obese. Bear in mind, I was seeing these doctors for hypermobility-related joint pain (dating from my 20s, when I was healthy weight) and migraines (dating from my teens, when I was healthy weight), and my weight shouldn't have come into these discussions - but as a woman, and one who is on the chubby side, it will ALWAYS turn to weight. I'm a size 14 and have been all my adult life. I can cycle for an hour, or run on the elliptical for 30mins without getting too out of breath. But I want to be taken seriously, and also with COVID getting out of the 'obese' bracket felt like the right thing to do.
The thing is... I actually quite like how I look in the mirror. I like my hips, and my thighs, and even my little paunch. Yes, if I could magically flatten my stomach or lose some chub from my arms, I'd wave a wand and do so, but I'm not unhappy with my physical size and shape.
I'd love to say this is because of dedicated self-love and body positivity, but honestly, I think lockdown has helped massively. I've got used to seeing my body more without worrying how others saw it. Because our house became an oven over the summer while I was working in the lounge, I lived in shorts and vest tops, so my pasty skin has been on show all summer. I actually have a tan line from my watch. This has never happened before. I have strolled out of our garden and into the allotments or over to my neighbours' in my denim shorts without a care. I got used to seeing my face on Zoom ALL THE TIME, and it wasn't awful. I'm kinda cute, honestly. Even without make-up. Plus, my husband has always told me I'm fine the way I am - he's not big on the compliments, so when he does give them, he means it - and whenever I put myself down he immediately tells me I'm wrong, which is the one time I don't mind being told I'm wrong.
And all this makes losing weight hard.
Noom tells you not to focus on the number on the scale, but I'm only doing this to drop that number to one that the NHS says is more acceptable. I'm not trying to drop a clothing size, or run a marathon, or regain self-confidence. I need that number on the scale to go down, so when I go to the doctor, and they weigh me, they'll listen to my concerns without automatically blaming my weight.
This has been an odd realisation, and a slightly frustrating one. The losing weight thing is going slooooooowly. But I'm really pleased to discover a respect and affection for my body that I should have had all along.
Let's face it, the talk about how we're conditioned to hate our bodies and never be happy with how we look, could be several whole other posts, and has been done. But I wanted to share how I feel, in case I start hating my body again. I want to remember that actually, I'm beautiful. Belly and all.