049.
I'm going to do whatever it takes, I’m going to be what I crave and dream of so so much. More than anything I’m going to be what I want to be and what I think is beautiful, and what the rest of the world sees as beautiful as well. I’m going to be the girl who is very confident but at times extreamly lonely, and at the same time horribly insecure but friendly. I’m doing this for myself and only myself. Because I’m tired of the extra baggage holding me back from what I crave so much. From what I want, from what I need. I want the feeling of being empty noting inside holding me down. But still smiling and happy, so cold but carrying warm and happyness inside. I WANT to hide between the calories, the fat, the carbs, and the scale. I WANT to be pale and purple, to be bruised and fragile. I don’t want an ass or hips or thick legs. I've had those for too too long. I want my cheeks to go away, and every inch of anything that is soft or squishy on me, showing what everyone has underneath the skin, the flesh and the fat. Pure bone. Cheekbones, collarbones, hip bones, knee bones. Bones bones bones. Bones and skin, skin and bones. I’m tired of being so padded and soft, and hefty. I only want ONE chin and I want sticks for legs and arms. I’m sick of looking in the mirror KNOWING that I will just be disappointed in myself. I want to look in the mirror and feel my skin, shrinking. I want the fat to melt away. I want my stomach to growl nonstop. I want a meal to be a couple of ice cubes and raw lettuce, and i know i can't do that because i don't have the strength. But i need to gain that strength and gain it fast. Wanting isn’t enough. That is why I’m going to act on this want. I am going to be beautiful. I will, soon enough people will look at me with respect, not disgust. I will have friends, and maybe boyfriends, even though that seems rediculously far out of the picture. I’m sick of restricting my caloric intake. An apple should be a meal fit for a king. It should be the first and last thing you eat before you walk your fat-ass to the toilet to go puke your guts out. And i need to learn that. I don’t need pasta or bread or cereal. I need energy drinks, water, and fruit. Right now is my time and I'm going to live it how i want to live it. I can make it a good day, or not. The choice is mine.
So leave me the hell alone and dont tell me what to do with my life, my body, or my mind.