Man in the Desert
Title: Man in the Desert
Fandom : Battlestar Galactica
Author: taxidryer
Rating: PG (language)
Genre: Crack
Words count: 730
Spoilers: S3
Characters/Pairings: Kara, Lee, Jesus of Nazareth (no kidding)
Summary: Maybe they’ll be remembered for more than just their fraking stories.
Disclaimer: I own nothing but my dorkiness.
Archived: battlestarcrack, beyond_insane, bsg2003fics, and bsg_creative.
Thanks: to mrs_spleen for the beta. And because she obviously has something for men in skirt…
Warning: CRACK !
‘So, this is how the race to Earth ends?’
‘Well, Earth is… dry,’ Lee says, after staring at the nothingness of sand surrounding them through the windshield of his viper for at least five minutes.
‘One of us will have to get out,’ Kara answers.
‘You go first. You owe me that.’
‘How come?’
‘For being the bane of my life. I mean, for sleeping with Baltar on Colonial Day and being an ass on New Caprica. You’ve also been a remarkable pain in the ass for dying on me like you did. But seriously, you’ve out-pain-in-the-assed yourself by coming back.’
‘This is stupid, Lee. Come on, don’t you want to be the first man to walk on Earth?’
‘You’re not a man. I’ll be the first man anyway.’
‘Hum, there is no sexual imbalance on our show, remember? It’s not like we’re on Fox…’
‘All right, I’ll do it. But under one condition : promise you will never die again, Kara. Deal?’
‘I promise. I will never die.’
This is how Lee Adama becomes the first colonial man to walk the Earth. At this precise moment, he tells himself that maybe they’ll be remembered for more than just their fraking stories.
*
It’s only after 40 minutes of walking that they spot a man dressed in a white gown.
‘What’s he doing?’ Lee whispers.
‘Looks like he’s praying.’
Getting closer, Kara coughs to get the man’s attention. Obviously absorbed in his prayers, the man still seems oblivious to their presence. It’s only when Lee speaks out that the man jumps and faces them.
‘Excuse me? Do you happen to know a less arid place on this planet where we could shove 45 thousands persons?’
It takes a few seconds for Lee and Kara to distinguish the man’s features. He has an abundant beard covering his face and the sand is blurring their vision.
‘Dr. Baltar?’ they exclaim in unison.
‘I’m sorry, you’ve got the wrong man. My name is Jesus of Nazareth and I’m afraid I cannot be very helpful to you. I’m from Galilea, so my knowledge of this land is quite limited. And you are from?’
‘We’re from the Twelve Colonies. They’ve been attacked. But I’m sure you know that… somehow.’
‘Oh, colonies? So you’re Roman, I see! It’s a fascinating armor you have by the way… Do you play games in the Colosseum?’
Kara shoots an inquiring glance at Lee. He answers with a shrug.
‘So you’re a Cylon?’ Kara says with her usual diplomacy.
‘A what? I’m not sure I understand what you Romans are talking about, but anyway. God bless you. You’ll have to excuse me. God is talking to me now.’
Lee sighs in exasperation. ‘Definitely a Cylon.’
‘Hey, which God is talking to you? Is it Zeus?’ Kara asks.
‘Zeus? Oh I’m sorry, you’re Greek! Well, you have to know that there is only one true God and He tells me that I have a destiny.’
‘Sounds familiar,’ Kara says.
‘God also tells me that I am his son, that I will have secret children with a prostitute and that my very long lineage will only be discovered in 2000 years by Tom Hanks through some Da Vinci guy’s paintings. I will also have to suffer and let my people kill me to achieve my destiny.’
‘But Dr., you’re a Cylon. You can’t die,’ Lee adds. ‘Even if they kill you, you will resurrect.’
‘Oh, really? How convenient. I guess that settles all my problems. All right. Farewell.’
On this, Jesus/Baltar stands and opens his arms.‘Father! I accept the destiny you forged me,’ he shouts to the sky while going away.
Kara and Lee remain frozen as they watch him become smaller.
‘Well, frak. The Cylons found Earth first,’ Kara says.
‘At least the President will be glad to know Baltar is a Cylon.’
‘I’m so depressed. Now I know I haven’t slept with one Cylon, but two.’
‘So what? It’s not like you ever had any sexual morality.’
‘Says the man who sleeps with prostitutes.’
‘No. Says the first man to walk the Earth.’
‘No. Says the man who sleeps with prostitutes.’
Lee sighs. ‘You’re right. We will definitely be remembered for nothing but our fraking stories’.
The End.
Fandom : Battlestar Galactica
Author: taxidryer
Rating: PG (language)
Genre: Crack
Words count: 730
Spoilers: S3
Characters/Pairings: Kara, Lee, Jesus of Nazareth (no kidding)
Summary: Maybe they’ll be remembered for more than just their fraking stories.
Disclaimer: I own nothing but my dorkiness.
Archived: battlestarcrack, beyond_insane, bsg2003fics, and bsg_creative.
Thanks: to mrs_spleen for the beta. And because she obviously has something for men in skirt…
Warning: CRACK !
‘So, this is how the race to Earth ends?’
‘Well, Earth is… dry,’ Lee says, after staring at the nothingness of sand surrounding them through the windshield of his viper for at least five minutes.
‘One of us will have to get out,’ Kara answers.
‘You go first. You owe me that.’
‘How come?’
‘For being the bane of my life. I mean, for sleeping with Baltar on Colonial Day and being an ass on New Caprica. You’ve also been a remarkable pain in the ass for dying on me like you did. But seriously, you’ve out-pain-in-the-assed yourself by coming back.’
‘This is stupid, Lee. Come on, don’t you want to be the first man to walk on Earth?’
‘You’re not a man. I’ll be the first man anyway.’
‘Hum, there is no sexual imbalance on our show, remember? It’s not like we’re on Fox…’
‘All right, I’ll do it. But under one condition : promise you will never die again, Kara. Deal?’
‘I promise. I will never die.’
This is how Lee Adama becomes the first colonial man to walk the Earth. At this precise moment, he tells himself that maybe they’ll be remembered for more than just their fraking stories.
*
It’s only after 40 minutes of walking that they spot a man dressed in a white gown.
‘What’s he doing?’ Lee whispers.
‘Looks like he’s praying.’
Getting closer, Kara coughs to get the man’s attention. Obviously absorbed in his prayers, the man still seems oblivious to their presence. It’s only when Lee speaks out that the man jumps and faces them.
‘Excuse me? Do you happen to know a less arid place on this planet where we could shove 45 thousands persons?’
It takes a few seconds for Lee and Kara to distinguish the man’s features. He has an abundant beard covering his face and the sand is blurring their vision.
‘Dr. Baltar?’ they exclaim in unison.
‘I’m sorry, you’ve got the wrong man. My name is Jesus of Nazareth and I’m afraid I cannot be very helpful to you. I’m from Galilea, so my knowledge of this land is quite limited. And you are from?’
‘We’re from the Twelve Colonies. They’ve been attacked. But I’m sure you know that… somehow.’
‘Oh, colonies? So you’re Roman, I see! It’s a fascinating armor you have by the way… Do you play games in the Colosseum?’
Kara shoots an inquiring glance at Lee. He answers with a shrug.
‘So you’re a Cylon?’ Kara says with her usual diplomacy.
‘A what? I’m not sure I understand what you Romans are talking about, but anyway. God bless you. You’ll have to excuse me. God is talking to me now.’
Lee sighs in exasperation. ‘Definitely a Cylon.’
‘Hey, which God is talking to you? Is it Zeus?’ Kara asks.
‘Zeus? Oh I’m sorry, you’re Greek! Well, you have to know that there is only one true God and He tells me that I have a destiny.’
‘Sounds familiar,’ Kara says.
‘God also tells me that I am his son, that I will have secret children with a prostitute and that my very long lineage will only be discovered in 2000 years by Tom Hanks through some Da Vinci guy’s paintings. I will also have to suffer and let my people kill me to achieve my destiny.’
‘But Dr., you’re a Cylon. You can’t die,’ Lee adds. ‘Even if they kill you, you will resurrect.’
‘Oh, really? How convenient. I guess that settles all my problems. All right. Farewell.’
On this, Jesus/Baltar stands and opens his arms.‘Father! I accept the destiny you forged me,’ he shouts to the sky while going away.
Kara and Lee remain frozen as they watch him become smaller.
‘Well, frak. The Cylons found Earth first,’ Kara says.
‘At least the President will be glad to know Baltar is a Cylon.’
‘I’m so depressed. Now I know I haven’t slept with one Cylon, but two.’
‘So what? It’s not like you ever had any sexual morality.’
‘Says the man who sleeps with prostitutes.’
‘No. Says the first man to walk the Earth.’
‘No. Says the man who sleeps with prostitutes.’
Lee sighs. ‘You’re right. We will definitely be remembered for nothing but our fraking stories’.
The End.