Good Ol Times
I don't remember bad things even though in the past year or so there haven't been many things going on to remember. I remember talking on aim for hours. I remember lots of laughs and random conversations, cute faces and the unique personality. I remember everyone being in the living room but having my friend stay and the group having to stay later so we could watch Greys Anatomy in my bed to end our long eventful weekend. I remember this connection and friendship that was way different than any others I had had. I know there have been many drastic changes but I have always cared the same even though there haven't been the opportunities for the same conversations. I know I had said things I shouldn't have said and I regret them but things that were going on for me weren't known at the time either because I couldn't talk about those things with him. I was stressed. I was scared and things that related to this situation and people kept following me for a year until I felt somewhat safe. I wanted to talk to people because I was so nervous. I know I shouldn't have said things that I did and I am really sorry about that but there is nothing I can do now. That is the only reason I can understand leading up to the way things are now. I know I was wrong. But what can I do? I know we have really cool friends but at the same time we also hang out with a lot of acquaintances with know nothing about. We also hang out with bad people that do do some horrible things but for some reason I stand out more than everyone else? I am a horrible person? I feel like I am back in high school.
I cared that he was upset and even though he said I deluted myself and brought me pretty low I still smiled. I still hugged. I still tried to have conversation because I was told that this was something that could be mended over time. I didn't ignore. I have been nice and tried really hard to be happy and act like nothing is wrong just so that I could have my friend back. I really cared about him and I still do and it hurts so bad to feel this way and have someone not care and say I am a bad person yet my other friends don't think so. This wasn't supposed to be talked about yet people know and yet there is another person involved saying things I can not do. If it wasn't going to be a big deal it wouldn't have gone this far.
I was told I was invited first tonight and that I would be hanging out with my friends if a choice had to be made but I didn't want to do that. I don't want to be the same way. I wanted not to go because I feel so horrible right now but I want to see my friends and I am. I really want to be friends. I really want to try but it has to go both ways. I can't look dumb every weekend being nice and trying to act the same when everyone is going to be talking about how someone doesn't like me anymore. If that is going to be the case, I can't deal with that. It sucks. I have cried probably 10 times in the last month and that beats my normal year by about 8 times. But yeah...sucks to feel this way amongst other things.
I had an amazing time friday but it seems like good times and feelings just seem to keep going away because something keeps getting brought up.
I cared that he was upset and even though he said I deluted myself and brought me pretty low I still smiled. I still hugged. I still tried to have conversation because I was told that this was something that could be mended over time. I didn't ignore. I have been nice and tried really hard to be happy and act like nothing is wrong just so that I could have my friend back. I really cared about him and I still do and it hurts so bad to feel this way and have someone not care and say I am a bad person yet my other friends don't think so. This wasn't supposed to be talked about yet people know and yet there is another person involved saying things I can not do. If it wasn't going to be a big deal it wouldn't have gone this far.
I was told I was invited first tonight and that I would be hanging out with my friends if a choice had to be made but I didn't want to do that. I don't want to be the same way. I wanted not to go because I feel so horrible right now but I want to see my friends and I am. I really want to be friends. I really want to try but it has to go both ways. I can't look dumb every weekend being nice and trying to act the same when everyone is going to be talking about how someone doesn't like me anymore. If that is going to be the case, I can't deal with that. It sucks. I have cried probably 10 times in the last month and that beats my normal year by about 8 times. But yeah...sucks to feel this way amongst other things.
I had an amazing time friday but it seems like good times and feelings just seem to keep going away because something keeps getting brought up.