Update on Friends
Or rather, my lack thereof.
I realized this weekend when I fell apart how few people I feel actually care enough about me to turn to when I'm upset.
Pam: self-explanatory. Actually get the urge to retch when I think of her because I picture her mashed up against Jeremy on the side of a building. Disgusting.
Jeremy and Ryan: Jeremy, for obvious reasons, I cannot go to. Ryan comes with Jeremy. Actually, I suspect I could be good friends with Ryan without Jeremy, but Jeremy was my excuse to Caitlin for why I talk to Ryan, and she'd get mad at me if I was friends with him outside of my weird thing with Jeremy.
Kumar: wants to sex me. Does not want to hear about my guy issues, and moreover, I don't want to tell him because it would be uncomfortable.
Lauren: don't actually like her, and if I tried to talk to her, she'd turn everything back on herself, when really? Occasionally I want to freaking talk about me! Also, tried to pee in my bedroom on Thursday after drinking all my alcohol after I'd told her not to because she was being obnoxious.
Devin and Hazim: an interesting problem. I hung out with them on Saturday, after the thing with Jeremy, and Devin was amazing... spent the entire night focusing on cheering me up even though I refused to admit how miserable I actually was until I was well and truly wasted. Hazim came, stayed for two hours, and then left without drinking, leaving me feeling strangely and unexpectedly unsatisfied with our friendship. Not unsatisfied. Confused? Regardless, after he left, I was talking to Devin and a rather disturbing conversation ensued:
D: Linz, I know this is absolutely not what you want to hear right now, but I'm going to say it anyway. You are an amazing person, and there is at least one person who is absolutely insane about you and would never, ever hurt you. You know what I'm talking about.
It occurs to me that he is talking about Hazim, and in the same way that people say they see their lives flash before their eyes when they're dying, suddenly I'm seeing a rapid montage in my own mind. Every time I've hugged Hazim, told him he was my favorite person in the world, used him for comfort, used him for alcohol, talked about other guys in front of him, called him my best friend, cried about Jeremy in front of him, cried about anything in front of him, slept in the same room as him, slept in the same bed as him, on and on and on... and suddenly I'm breaking down and I'm sobbing and trying not to show it to Devin because I realized that I am an asshole. I live in my own little self-consumed world where my problems are the only problems and my hurt is the only hurt and in the meantime there's a guy who has actually felt the need to break off our friendship because he loves me too much to be my friend. I tell Devin I never purposely set out to hurt anybody but that seems to be all I ever do and he tells me that Hazim is okay now, but that he wasn't always, and I should be aware when I upset because I don't get the guy that I want that there are people who feel exactly the same way about me.
So. I think Devin still wants to be my friend. According to Devin, Hazim feels that he cannot be my friend because it hurts to know that I will never love him in the way that he wants me to, but that he wants to be my friend anyway, which leads to his little two month absence that's going on here.
Also, apparently Devin's gf, Nikki, considers us actual friends now because we were hanging out at her place on Saturday and we talked a wee bit.
Anyone in the sorority was never really my friend to begin with... always Caitlin's friends that liked me. Can't turn to them. Jess and Jenna and Chrissy are too far away, my sister is useless, my parents either get really sappy and emotional when I tell them my problems (Kevin), or they condescend to me unintentionally because my problems are "so college" (my Mom). And that's it. That's my list.
Nikki insisted after she got drunk that she do a tarot card reading for me. I don't believe in that bullshit, but maybe Devin tells her enough about me that she could fudge something, because her reading was close enough to the truth to make me really think. The cards were as follows:
Card that represents what I have been till now: 10 of wands, the psychologist. Actually had a picture of someone closing their ears in pain. The idea is that I rationalize and analyze everyone, take on their problems, concern myself so hard with how distressed or upset or fucked up they are that I forget that either 1. I don't actually like them but I'm afraid to disappoint them by telling them that (before you say anything chrissy, no that does NOT refer to you) or 2. they treat me like absolute shit.
Cards that represent where I am right now: on the bottom, what I am, on the top, what I seem to be. On the top, the 6 of wands, Victory. Represents the appearance of success, popularity, happiness, wealth. Underneath, the hermit. Represents a total withdrawal from people, or an inability to feel accepted in society, or a secret self that I'm hiding underneath a general facade. So although I appear to be succesful and popular, I'm actually a hermit? Close enough to the truth that it made me wonder how much Devin can read into me from what I say, and what he's telling his gf.
Card that represents what I have to do to change: 5 of wands, the barred gate. Essentially, a breaking off of ties, a seclusion from something. Nikki's interpretation: even though it hurts and even though it'll probably make it worse before it makes it better, I should withdraw from the people that make me unhappy and focus on making myself happy in spite of my loneliness.
Relationship card: the Hanging Man. I can't believe I remember the names of all of these. But this one is that at the moment I am completely stagnant, because I go for what I know I can't have and ignore situations that could actually progress into something else. But the idea is also that I'm not stuck, I'm poised, as if I'm ready to change something, but I don't know how yet or I don't see an opportunity that I feel works.
Culmination Card: I guess the sum of all the other cards. The 7 of swords, which is that I have a hidden strength that I haven't found yet because I'm either too afraid to progress, to let go of those people and things that are upsetting me, oppressing me, or holding me back, or because I don't see exactly what I have to do to change.
So, something to think about. I feel like I turned over a new leaf this weekend. The fact that I still haven't spoken to Pam or Jeremy and don't intend to is kind of new for me. I still have that little doormat inside me asking if I'm just being petty by ignoring them and if I shouldn't just forgive them already, but there are a lot of other voices (most of which sound eerily like Caitlin) that are telling me to man up, have a little self-respect, and let them go. It may hurt, but it'll teach me to only deal with those who'll actually care about me, and maybe teach them to stop abusing people in the future. Although, maybe I shouldn't get my hopes up about that second one.
I realized this weekend when I fell apart how few people I feel actually care enough about me to turn to when I'm upset.
Pam: self-explanatory. Actually get the urge to retch when I think of her because I picture her mashed up against Jeremy on the side of a building. Disgusting.
Jeremy and Ryan: Jeremy, for obvious reasons, I cannot go to. Ryan comes with Jeremy. Actually, I suspect I could be good friends with Ryan without Jeremy, but Jeremy was my excuse to Caitlin for why I talk to Ryan, and she'd get mad at me if I was friends with him outside of my weird thing with Jeremy.
Kumar: wants to sex me. Does not want to hear about my guy issues, and moreover, I don't want to tell him because it would be uncomfortable.
Lauren: don't actually like her, and if I tried to talk to her, she'd turn everything back on herself, when really? Occasionally I want to freaking talk about me! Also, tried to pee in my bedroom on Thursday after drinking all my alcohol after I'd told her not to because she was being obnoxious.
Devin and Hazim: an interesting problem. I hung out with them on Saturday, after the thing with Jeremy, and Devin was amazing... spent the entire night focusing on cheering me up even though I refused to admit how miserable I actually was until I was well and truly wasted. Hazim came, stayed for two hours, and then left without drinking, leaving me feeling strangely and unexpectedly unsatisfied with our friendship. Not unsatisfied. Confused? Regardless, after he left, I was talking to Devin and a rather disturbing conversation ensued:
D: Linz, I know this is absolutely not what you want to hear right now, but I'm going to say it anyway. You are an amazing person, and there is at least one person who is absolutely insane about you and would never, ever hurt you. You know what I'm talking about.
It occurs to me that he is talking about Hazim, and in the same way that people say they see their lives flash before their eyes when they're dying, suddenly I'm seeing a rapid montage in my own mind. Every time I've hugged Hazim, told him he was my favorite person in the world, used him for comfort, used him for alcohol, talked about other guys in front of him, called him my best friend, cried about Jeremy in front of him, cried about anything in front of him, slept in the same room as him, slept in the same bed as him, on and on and on... and suddenly I'm breaking down and I'm sobbing and trying not to show it to Devin because I realized that I am an asshole. I live in my own little self-consumed world where my problems are the only problems and my hurt is the only hurt and in the meantime there's a guy who has actually felt the need to break off our friendship because he loves me too much to be my friend. I tell Devin I never purposely set out to hurt anybody but that seems to be all I ever do and he tells me that Hazim is okay now, but that he wasn't always, and I should be aware when I upset because I don't get the guy that I want that there are people who feel exactly the same way about me.
So. I think Devin still wants to be my friend. According to Devin, Hazim feels that he cannot be my friend because it hurts to know that I will never love him in the way that he wants me to, but that he wants to be my friend anyway, which leads to his little two month absence that's going on here.
Also, apparently Devin's gf, Nikki, considers us actual friends now because we were hanging out at her place on Saturday and we talked a wee bit.
Anyone in the sorority was never really my friend to begin with... always Caitlin's friends that liked me. Can't turn to them. Jess and Jenna and Chrissy are too far away, my sister is useless, my parents either get really sappy and emotional when I tell them my problems (Kevin), or they condescend to me unintentionally because my problems are "so college" (my Mom). And that's it. That's my list.
Nikki insisted after she got drunk that she do a tarot card reading for me. I don't believe in that bullshit, but maybe Devin tells her enough about me that she could fudge something, because her reading was close enough to the truth to make me really think. The cards were as follows:
Card that represents what I have been till now: 10 of wands, the psychologist. Actually had a picture of someone closing their ears in pain. The idea is that I rationalize and analyze everyone, take on their problems, concern myself so hard with how distressed or upset or fucked up they are that I forget that either 1. I don't actually like them but I'm afraid to disappoint them by telling them that (before you say anything chrissy, no that does NOT refer to you) or 2. they treat me like absolute shit.
Cards that represent where I am right now: on the bottom, what I am, on the top, what I seem to be. On the top, the 6 of wands, Victory. Represents the appearance of success, popularity, happiness, wealth. Underneath, the hermit. Represents a total withdrawal from people, or an inability to feel accepted in society, or a secret self that I'm hiding underneath a general facade. So although I appear to be succesful and popular, I'm actually a hermit? Close enough to the truth that it made me wonder how much Devin can read into me from what I say, and what he's telling his gf.
Card that represents what I have to do to change: 5 of wands, the barred gate. Essentially, a breaking off of ties, a seclusion from something. Nikki's interpretation: even though it hurts and even though it'll probably make it worse before it makes it better, I should withdraw from the people that make me unhappy and focus on making myself happy in spite of my loneliness.
Relationship card: the Hanging Man. I can't believe I remember the names of all of these. But this one is that at the moment I am completely stagnant, because I go for what I know I can't have and ignore situations that could actually progress into something else. But the idea is also that I'm not stuck, I'm poised, as if I'm ready to change something, but I don't know how yet or I don't see an opportunity that I feel works.
Culmination Card: I guess the sum of all the other cards. The 7 of swords, which is that I have a hidden strength that I haven't found yet because I'm either too afraid to progress, to let go of those people and things that are upsetting me, oppressing me, or holding me back, or because I don't see exactly what I have to do to change.
So, something to think about. I feel like I turned over a new leaf this weekend. The fact that I still haven't spoken to Pam or Jeremy and don't intend to is kind of new for me. I still have that little doormat inside me asking if I'm just being petty by ignoring them and if I shouldn't just forgive them already, but there are a lot of other voices (most of which sound eerily like Caitlin) that are telling me to man up, have a little self-respect, and let them go. It may hurt, but it'll teach me to only deal with those who'll actually care about me, and maybe teach them to stop abusing people in the future. Although, maybe I shouldn't get my hopes up about that second one.