Life Update
Classes:
Mostly eh. Getting decent grades but not really trying at all. Doing as little as possible to get A's and B's, and "Lost" always takes priority to anything academic related. The one class that I actually genuinely enjoy, I'm in the class with people who hate it and complain about it constantly, so I can't even enjoy that class. SO MANY papers due within the next month. Christ.
Friends:
Can no longer really count Hazim and Devin in this category, maybe? Hazim is a total spaz who blows off me and Devin with infuriating regularity. I have hung out with them once in the past month and a half. Instead, I find myself hanging out with Jeremy and his roommate and Caitlin's sorority sisters more often than not. Which of course, presents its own problems. And Kumar has surprisingly reentered the friend arena of late...
Boys:
... only to leave it when we accidentally have sex. Ha, what? How does one "accidentally" have sex? Well, let me tell ya, I have no idea. One minute we're sitting there with Caitin and Pam, perfectly innocent, and the next, Caitlin has picked a fight with me (she later admitted she was pissed about something else and just wanted a fight) and she's stormed off to bed, Pam leaves, and I'm all miserable and petty-feeling because of Caitlin, so I'm suddenly having sex with Kumar. Sober. Which makes things that much more complicated.
Because there are others. Some kid that I met in the Bahamas, Nick. Haha... he's a story and a half. After a day, he's all "OMG I'm obsessed with you. You are like no other girl I've ever met! You write? Omg I write. You like MIA? I like MIA. You breathe??? Holy shit, we're soul mates!!!" So I'm all hmmm he is everything I dislike in a guy: clingy, text-happy, totally into PDA. And yet. Yet. He is beeeeeaaauutiful. Like inhumanly, model beautiful. And he thinks that I am attractive. I mean, I may make an effort to project confidence. I really do. I have realized lately that success in the world of friendship and love (or at least, sex) depends entirely on the image that one projects of oneself. Its the reason why attractive girls sometimes have trouble making friends or meeting guys, and why sometimes unattractive girls find it so easy. If you think you're hot, they think you're hot. If you think you're awesome, they think you're awesome. Newly discovered fact, for realz. But I'm not so good at this yet that when Nick says, "You're absolutely beautiful", I don't melt like butter. When he tells me he can't stop thinking about me, hell, I may not return the favor, but it certainly makes me feel good. So I humor the kid. I text him often enough that he thinks he's always on my mind, occasionally drop a line about thinking he is absolutely gorgeous, and he is wrapped around my finger. And Christ , I never thought I was one to get high off of this kind of power, but just knowing that I can say anything, do anything around this kid and he will still think I shit rainbows... its like a permanent buzz, a total confidence boost.
And then there's Jeremy. Maybe (if I'm being honest) the one reason why I let psycho Nick within ten feet of me. Jeremy, despite my best efforts will not want me. Agh! Of all the guys in the world right now, if I could get one admit he wants me, it would be fucking Jeremy, and he's the one guy that I can't seem to get to look my way. (Perhaps there's more of a relationship between those two facts than I like to admit, but I'm not in the mood to delve into my twisted psyche at the moment.) I mean COME ON. He admitted he liked me! Despite the girlfriend! He invited himself over this weekened, thinking I was alone (he had no idea that my sister was in the apt when he came over. Nice little shock for him, bahaha) but gets all uncomfortable if the subject of what we used to be ever comes up. Does he just really want to be friends? What is this whole drinking with me alone thing? And he admitted, told me to my face that he gets jealous when I talk to Kumar or to Ryan, but for Christ's sake! Jeremy has a goddamn girlfriend, and HE'S freaking jealous? Gimme a break! I have promised myself I will not try to steal him away from her, but that only makes more complications. Because I know that if I talk to him--as happens with any guy I talk to, sober or drunk--I will inadvertantly flirt with him. Solution? Don't talk to him. But I don't want him to think I'm boring or sullen. Solution? Talk to anyone but him. Which usually means Ryan. All right then, fine. Suddenly me and Jeremy's roommate are bffls or whatever. What's the problem? I'll tell you what's the problem. Caitlin has a hard-core crush on Ryan. Remember what I said about inadvertant flirting? 'Nuff said. So the dilemna remains: talk to Jeremy, and risk accidentally trying to seduce him away from his girlfriend? Or talk to Ryan, while Caitlin stews in quiet, bitter jealousy because she cannot bring herself to talk to him out of shyness?
Other:
Still drink too much. Have recently tried weed, have also decided I don't like it because it makes me more socially stupid than I already was. Sleep too much, eat too much, study too little. Increasingly annoyed with Boston people. But I am also... if not happy, then somewhat content. People at work like me. Caitlin's sorority sisters like me, and its gotten to the point where I stop thinking of some of them as her friends, and now they're both of ours. I may not study often, but I get pretty good grades, and I get my work done. I'm smart, I'm occasionally funny, I can at least project beauty even if I don't possess it, and if I occassionally feel like I am bereft of social skills, its usually just around Jeremy. All in all, not a terrible life.
Which doesn't mean I don't want a break from it. If I'm being honest.