(no subject)
Why do I keep doing this? I feel like the last few times I've been with Devin and Hazim I've been all la la la talk about me and how pathetic my freaking life is. And it sucks. Because every time I do that, I freaking start to cry. Which I don't normally do. I think it might be the time of year, considering that my dad killed himself on freaking Mother's Day (which AHEM proves it was premeditated, but let's not talk about it because my mom is in freaking denial). But seriously, there were a good ten minutes tonight when I was crying into Devin's arms and he was kissing my head and telling me not to worry because no matter what, he and Haz were there for me. And... I've never really had that before. I've had that with Jess, where she'll hug me and whatever, but there's never been like a solid body that I could hug and hold and would tell me that its all right and its not my fault that my dad would rather be freaking dead than a part of my family. And there's never been someone who told me in so many words that everyone is so damn fucked up and I'm just one more person who needs comfort for my upsettness. Then again, I've never needed it before. Even Haz said that I come across so strong, and I'm a little agressive to anyone who tries to comfort me and whenever anyone asks about my dad I'm always like oh its alright it was forever ago I'm totally over it LOOK A BIRD LET'S CHANGE THE SUBJECT. But Devin never believed me, and would kind of push it in a subtle kind of way, which was EXACTLY what I needed because as much as I say I'm okay, its because of my family that I say that and it's kind of a lie. Crying tonight was wonderful. And yet. Yet. Its sucks. Because these are new friends, and I feel really stupid crying in front of them.
God, I love them so much. I love all my Wallingford friends so so so much, and I think its because Haz and Devin remind me of them that I am so attached to them so quickly. As much as I love Caitlin, she will never remind me of my Wallingford friends, because she represents this whole new college world that I've entered into. And Marla. Jesus Christ, Marla. I don't even think I like her as a person anymore, but I'm so used to her that I appreciate her as a friend. Or rather, as a figure in my life, because she doesn't act much like a friend. Too bossy, too inconsiderate, too judgemental to be considered a friend. Whereas Haz and Dev, they NEVER freaking judge me. I can say anything, and HAVE said anything to them, and it doesn't matter, because they'll take it, and they'll accept it, exactly as it is. I cried in front of them. Several times. And this time it wasn't because of a stupid song, it was because of something real. And they held me, and they said exactly what they needed to say and did exactly what I needed someone to do to make me feel better. I can never say how amazing that is, to have someone like that so far from home.
I may or may not be slightly insane because of the absurd hour that I am awake at (ahemahemsixthirtyamahem) but I was with them and this is what I'm thinking so this is what I write. They've changed me, and changed my outlook on college and I love them for it. Because I was unhappy. And even though I cry more often and go into weird fits of melancholy, I am happier than I've been at college yet. And that means so so much to me.
Also, happy aniversary to my dad killing himself. Technically its on the tenth, but I cried for it tonight so let's call it tonight. Also happy first time ever crying about my dad. It needed to be done.
Goodnight.
God, I love them so much. I love all my Wallingford friends so so so much, and I think its because Haz and Devin remind me of them that I am so attached to them so quickly. As much as I love Caitlin, she will never remind me of my Wallingford friends, because she represents this whole new college world that I've entered into. And Marla. Jesus Christ, Marla. I don't even think I like her as a person anymore, but I'm so used to her that I appreciate her as a friend. Or rather, as a figure in my life, because she doesn't act much like a friend. Too bossy, too inconsiderate, too judgemental to be considered a friend. Whereas Haz and Dev, they NEVER freaking judge me. I can say anything, and HAVE said anything to them, and it doesn't matter, because they'll take it, and they'll accept it, exactly as it is. I cried in front of them. Several times. And this time it wasn't because of a stupid song, it was because of something real. And they held me, and they said exactly what they needed to say and did exactly what I needed someone to do to make me feel better. I can never say how amazing that is, to have someone like that so far from home.
I may or may not be slightly insane because of the absurd hour that I am awake at (ahemahemsixthirtyamahem) but I was with them and this is what I'm thinking so this is what I write. They've changed me, and changed my outlook on college and I love them for it. Because I was unhappy. And even though I cry more often and go into weird fits of melancholy, I am happier than I've been at college yet. And that means so so much to me.
Also, happy aniversary to my dad killing himself. Technically its on the tenth, but I cried for it tonight so let's call it tonight. Also happy first time ever crying about my dad. It needed to be done.
Goodnight.