"James Tiberius Kirk Hates Alfred Lord Tennyson" (2/3)
Part One
He can't do this.
It's been less than a month since everything changed and Jim feels like he's coming out of his skin.
Angry, time-traveling Romulans bent on revenge. Half the 'Fleet's starships destroyed. Two thirds of his Academy classmates dead. An entire planet and over six billion peaceful people vanished into a black hole that may eventually consume the surrounding galaxy. The Federation rocked to its core and so desperate for leadership that they've agreed to hand the flagship over to a 25-year-old who was on the verge of being kicked out of the Academy.
And Bones won't stop looking at him.
Whenever they're together, there is something in Bones's expression that threatens to drive Jim out of his mind. At first, he tells himself he's just seeing things, that it's just a result of the unprecedented crisis they've just survived. But while Jim's always been an excellent liar when it comes to other people (even Bones), he could never lie to himself.
He knows what that look means: Bones is in love with him.
In the two years since he made the decision to let Bones in, to walk beside him as his best friend, Jim has seen that look on the other man's face a few times and it's become more frequent in the months before the attack on Vulcan. Before everything went to hell, Jim honestly believed they were about to change the nature of their relationship. Without ever discussing it, both men had been dating less frequently, preferring to spend their time together just talking or studying. Jim started to think that maybe he really could have it all, have Bones in every sense of the word.
Apparently, no matter the universe and no matter his age, Spock's raison d'etre is to fuck with Jim Kirk.
One bizarre and migraine-inducing mind meld later, Jim learned everything about an old Vulcan's well-meaning attempt to save a civilization and how it all went wrong. He learned how three very different people could become intrinsic to one another's lives and become the head, heart and soul that would guide a starship and its crew through countless dangers and come out safe on the other side.
And he learned he would die early and alone.
Hazy, second-hand images of the other McCoy fill his mind, face becoming more wrinkled, hair morphing from white-flecked brown to salt-and-pepper to pure white, each version accompanied by that beloved voice, roughening and weakening with age.
Jim should be here. We should've been with him.
Decades of friendship compressed into nanoseconds via the meld, making it clear to Jim that Spock and McCoy had been relatively young when that other Kirk died. And since Jim was and is younger than both of them...
He only hopes he dies well, helping people, and not in some damned fool stunt, as Bones would say.
Bones...
Well, that decides it. Whether he's destined to die in a matter of a few years or a few decades, he refuses to be another person Leonard McCoy has loved and lost.
So, he lies like he never has before. Pretends he doesn't see the way Bones stares at him when he thinks Jim isn't looking. Pretends to be blissfully ignorant of the way the other man stands just a little too close for a little too long. He returns to his promiscuous ways under the guise of trying to enjoy himself as much as possible before they leave Earth and Jim begins the longest period of celibacy of his adult life. One thing he doesn't do was share all the lurid details with Bones the way he used to because that would just be cruel.
Bones's expression changes subtly as Jim appears to be trying to set a record for the number of people one human male can have sex with. The love is still there, and the sadness that threatens to choke Jim every time he sees it. But underneath it all is a growing anger that reassures Jim that he's doing the right thing. Anger Jim can deal with and it will make it easier for Bones to move on.
---
Once the Enterprise leaves Earth, their schedules are always packed, yet they manage to see each other every day, both professionally and socially. It has already become second nature for Jim to ignore the way Bones still looks at him, though the longing and affection in his gaze have dimmed. The realization guts Jim, but also strengthens his resolve, because if it hurts Bones this much already, imagine how much worse it will be if they're lovers when Jim dies?
With the 'Fleet so depleted, there's hardly time to breathe between missions, but even when things get dangerous â which was more often than Jim cares for â a year into his command, he hasn't lost a single crewmember. He knows it's bound to happen someday, but he'll do anything in his power to make sure that day comes later rather than sooner.
At first, Jim flatly refuses to allow Bones to accompany him to the surface of Nibiru. "I'm going down there to get a group of primitive beings away from an active volcano, probably by pissing them off enough to chase me."
"Which is exactly why you need someone with you," Bones replies, expression stony.
Jim would love the company, but still hates putting Bones in danger. "Just because they've barely discovered fire doesn't mean they're harmless. They've got spears."
"Which is exactly why you need me with you," is all the other man says before turning and leaving Jim's ready room.
Jim is grateful Bones decides to leave before hearing Jim's reply because he feels certain the expression on his face would instantly undo the illusion of indifference he's been struggling to maintain for so long.
Part Three